It’s the right start only because I can’t come up with a title and there is a sign right next to me that says it. I’m running out of ideas, I’m running out of gas, juice, things.

It’s been a long while since I’ve come back here to this writing place. I took a break last week due to Thanksgiving and I took one yesterday simply because I was hung over and I had a lot of errands to run. So, coming out here wasn’t in the cards for me.

But here I am, the last post for a while….or maybe until my year-end diatribe, who knows. But we’ll see.

* * *
For Thanksgiving, I drove up to my cousin’s and stayed with them over the holiday. It was a nice time. I had fun, just chilling and relaxing. Didn’t feel pressured to go out and party and socialize because they, like me, are home bods. For the most part we didn’t do shit and that is all hunkydory in my book. I’m not going to complain.

But in a way, going up there, opened my eyes on many things that I already realize. It just fortified my previous thoughts about myself and my little quirks and situations.

Listening to my cousin and her husband talk about their marriage and the big issues that are coming up with kids and family, it just makes me feel…like a kid again. Not that I’m a kid, small, not being able to do anything. No, it goes back to the sense that I don’t feel like an adult.

They’ve been married for three years and they are taking their next step in their lives, children, together. They’re having the grown up discussions and their spats, their bickers, and all that seems so adult. All that seems so much like a marriage.

All I can do is listen and chime in. I see many of their road blocks. I see their side of the story. I see everything. I don’t have a simple solution to their problems. My philosophy is just do it. Stop worrying. Stop planning. Just do it and shit will sort themselves out.

Worrying and planning will only hinder and disappoint things. I can see that they are so loving and giving and that they will make good parents and I do want that for them, but it’s just a matter of compromise.

But again, I’m not in their shoes. I’m not the ones making the decisions, so it is way too easy for me to just say, do it. Go do it and sort it out when the problem arises.

DO IT.

It just makes me wonder am I ready. Do I think I’m ready to have those talks, to make those decisions with my significant other; if I’m ever so fortunate to find her. Would I be able to compromise and go along with it or will I be the strong stubborn mule that I am now, not willing to bend? I don’t know and that is what scares me.

There might be times where I’ll sometimes sacrifice many of the things I want to appease someone, but I don’t know if those times are still here. I’m stubborn. I’m opinionated. I’m argumentative. I don’t know if it’ll work. But it is something that I need to learn.

Looking at things, as much as I would love to be a parent, as much as I want kids (7 as I tell people), I don’t know if I’ll be a good parent. I just don’t know.

It scares me. Parenthood is scary. I’m not going to lie, it is. Every parent can tell you that.

As I see many girls at work, and my dear friend Susan who is about to give birth, and they’re around my age, I look at me…where am I? Not even close.

I know I’m young, but maybe I’m too young. Too selfish and immature to be ready to marry and have a family.

Like my cousin, I want my kids to know Chinese. I want them to be able to speak it. Ngai (my language…a sub dialect of Hakka), Cantonese, and Mandarin. I want them to speak it all, be educated, and just know the language. It’ll be easier for them to communicate with the elders in my family, especially my mom. I want them to have that advantage. I want them to know and understand the culture, because I grew up with it and it is a big part of my life. It is a part of who I am and had a part in shaping me into who I am today.

It is what it is. The only way I can think of doing that is to either put them through Chinese school and speak to the kids in Chinese. All Chinese all the time. It’s just how it is going to be.

I’m not worried about the kids learning English, because they will be constantly surrounded by it, with school and what not. But the kids must learn Chinese.

I don’t know, looking ahead, it just seems so far out of my reach. I have a feeling that things are going to change with the coming of the New Year, but maybe that is just my optimism talking. I really don’t know what is going to happen, but something might happen soon. Maybe I’ll find that special someone or maybe not. Let’s just say that I’m not holding my breath.

All of these hard decisions that comes up, that I think I’m ready to tackle them when the time comes, but since they are not here, I don’t think I can tackle them. Just way too stressful.

I guess in a way, I like my life easy. Not think so much. Just do my shit and move on to the next shit and just not think.

Sigh…..

* * *
Another good thing that happened at my cousin’s is that I got to play with their brand new puppy. He’s so cute and adorable. I want one. I want him.

I don’t know, I feel sad for Pickles being home alone and everything. It seems he’s having his fits again, peeing on the floor. Maybe it is time for me to get another dog, so he’ll have company, but I don’t know. Can I handle another dog. More responsibility in this slacker life? I just don’t know.

Maybe I’ll just play by ear, but most likely Pickles will get a Relish this new year. We will see.

* * *
I knew this about myself a long time ago as everyone in my family says that I’m like my father. Mostly it is due to the physical aspect of it, but while I’m up there with my aunt and uncle and their family, it just seems that I really am. Maybe it is just a Ho thing, or maybe it is a Chinese thing, or maybe it is just me being me, but I tried to pay for lunch and dinner when I was up there.

Growing up, I see my dad and uncles always fight for the bill as we all went out to go eat Dim Sum or we had a big family dinner out at the restaurant and what not. I always see them for 10-15 minutes fight for the bill, stuffing money back and forth into each other’s pockets. I never understood it. Every time I see it, I just laugh, because it is just a sight to see. Grownups fighting like that.

But I understand fully. It is just out of respect and you want to do something nice for them. I do that with my friends, take them out to dinner for the most part and what not, family too. I understand now.

So, while I was up there, the day after Thanksgiving, my auntie and uncle took the family out to eat pho for lunch. An aside, the pho was really good. The noodles were very very crisp and that made the difference. But, anywho, I finished mine so I thought I’d just go pay. I stood up and my uncle looks at me smiling. “What are you doing?” he said. My reply….nothing. So I went to the register and gave the person my card. The next thing I knew my auntie was right behind me screaming in Viet at the lady not to take the card. I was like don’t listen to her. Take the card and finish the transaction. Fucking stupid Viet. I should learn it though I hate the language. Makes me hate the language even more. So, I got shot down at my attempt to pay. Fine. I sucked it up.

Later that night, my auntie wanted to take me out to dinner because she has to work on Saturday and won’t be able to see me. So we all went out again along with my cousin’s husband. Claim Jumpers. So, we ordered and everything. Thoughts of being burned at lunch still in my mind, I still want to pay dammit. I needed to pay dammit. But, I wasn’t sure about the approach. I went to the bathroom, my opportunity to track down the waiter and slip him my card. But I didn’t. I should have, but I didn’t.

When time came to get the bill, I slipped the waiter my card and told him to put it on that. Everyone at the table stood up and argued against it. Six people screaming at the waiter to do this or don’t do that. He freaked and told us to figure it out as he threw the check and my card on the table. My cousin’s husband stepped in and handed him his card…that fucker took it.

I just want to do a nice thing and it didn’t work. So sad, so disappointed.

But sigh.