I’m sure I wrote about this many times already, but I’ve always been fascinated by my nightly dreams. Some nights I’ll remember them and other nights they’ll be distant memories gone at the moment my eyes flickers to life.

I’ve been fascinated with them ever since my senior year in high school when I had a very telling dream. There were just so many things going on in that dream, though I remember it very clearly. The gist is that I’m off on my own, taking the direction less traveled. Where everyone is making a left turn, I’m making a right. But, the thing that gets me is that I’m always being chased by someone. I’m not sure who, but it is by someone.

It’s been a while since I’ve had an anxiety dream like the one listed above; dreams where I’m being chased or attacked.

Usually my typical dreams, well dreams that I do remember are once again, I’m off on my own, doing my own thing. BUT instead of being lost, or having the feeling that I’m lost and that I’m trying to find something or find my way out, I have direction. I know what I’m doing. I know where I’m going. It’s just that it takes a long time, so in the end; there really is no resolution to my dreams. But I have direction, no longer lost. There’s a far off purpose that is just out of reach.

These dreams are much more different than the dreams I had when I was younger; always lost and trying to find my way. I was very lost in life during that time. Very little direction and purpose in life. But luckily, things are better now.

Which brings me back to a dream I had last night, or maybe it was this morning? It just seems I’m having similar dreams for the past few weeks; dreams along the same vein as the one I had this morning.

I’m not sure how the dream started, or where I was particularly or what I was doing or how I ended up where I was. I’m not even sure where I was. All I know was that it was a school.

Again, not sure what I’m doing there. It starts out typically how many of my dreams start out, me alone going someplace. In this case, I was trying to get to a class or a lecture. I walk into the school. It’s large, impersonal, a labyrinth of walls, halls, and rooms. It’s vast, and there were parts that look like a grand opera house lobby.

I go about my business, trying to find this class I’m supposed to be in, but I can’t find it. I need to be there, because I’m late and the lecture is starting. Apparently, there were a few girls (students) who are late also. I ask a security guard or someone else where the class is. He pointed in a direction. I go.

I go through hallways, corridors, doors and doors. I get a little anxious as I step outside into a grassy wooded area that is like a mysterious jungle in the tropics. I’m getting a little anxious. I’m not sure where the girls were, but I had a feeling they were following me. I know to get to my class I have to go through this jungle. It’s dark, but light from the full moon shines brightly down. It doesn’t make the jungle any less intimidating.

I plow ahead through the jungle and the tall grass. I needed to go. It’s my purpose, to get to class. My destination is just past this jungle. I march on. Then a vine reached out and grabbed me. I freak out and started to run and more and more vines reach out to grab me. Eventually the vines got me and I couldn’t go anywhere, and that is where I woke up.

Now, usually I try to analyze the dream or ask Susan to help me interpret the dream, but there is no need for that. I already know what the dream means. I’m just anxious about certain stuff in my life right now. I know what I need to do, but I can’t focus, or I’m scared, or there is always something in the way distracting me, holding me back and in this case it is the vines from the jungle. It is holding me back.

What is it that is holding me back in reality? Most likely my ideology, my fear of failing, or my typical distractions of over analyzing things and obsession.

Just funny how things are that way. It’s been a while since I had these anxiety dreams, but they are here.

Ultimately, there are just a lot of things happening in my life right now that I just need to deal with on my own. They aren’t things that are drastic or life changing. They are just things that I typically fret over or obsess over and I’m just trying my damnedest to just let it go.

I have faith that I will overcome them, as I focus on other things.

* * *
It might be a little too early for this and don’t typically do this, but I think I’m going to make some resolutions. It’s not going to be these New Year’s resolutions or anything of that matter, but they are more about things that I think I want to do, should do, to just grow and be more outgoing. When will this happen? Maybe the year coming up or maybe now, next week, or some other time. I’m not really sure.

I just know that this year was the year of tough decisions, the year before that was the year of change, and every year is the year of living life and growing up and change, and the coming year will be no different. Maybe that’s the thing that I need to work on? Maybe that is the thing that I need to master to become a better person than the person I am now and that is to just go out and experience and live. I think I may be ready for it.

Most likely, it’ll just be me doing these things, doing these things I am interested in. They won’t be these big posse extravaganzas because I don’t have a posse. Most likely it’ll just be me doing these things. My source: The LA Weekly.

I’ll look through it and maybe find an art gallery opening, or just go to the museum, or just go mountain biking or just biking somewhere which I thought I was going to do when I got my bike, or just go to some play or go and just do something. Me alone against the world, finding my groove and just finding my thing. No one with me. Just me out doing my shit on my own.

Might as well get use to it because I think that is how things are going to be. I know it isn’t going to be forever, me being alone, but I know for the time being, it will have to be.

I know for the most part, I already do some of these things already, just going out alone. But mostly it is for films. Films I want to see but no one else and I’m cool with it. But let’s just expand that. Let’s just do it and not be held back by my laziness or my misanthropy.

I still have a lot of time left between now and the end of the year to think about my yearly year-end diatribe reflection piece. My yearly bah humbug to all things.

Again, I will be up in my second home when I write that and hopefully I can come to terms with the things that happened in my life and learn to expect with a tinge of optimism that things will be equally tougher and equally better for the year to come.

* * *
Maturity.

I would like to think that I’m mature, mature for my age. It seems that I have always been, but that maybe because I’m just stale, but I would like to believe that. I do believe that the decision I made a month ago was a very mature thing that I did. I laid out the situation and my reasoning and it was what it was.

Sure there are days when I do obsess over the decision that I made and overanalyze everything, thinking if I made the correct decision, such and such. But deep inside, I know I did the mature thing and did make the right decision. Again, it all goes back to me having to do the proper thing and be noble and all that chivalrous bullshit that I came to learn about myself. I have this Knight in shining armor complex. Fuck it.

But maturity. Again, I have it on many many levels, but there are times when I feel that I am immature. There are times that I feel that I have so much growing up and learning left in me to do. I know it is true, that we all learn and grow till the day we die, but I just came to the realization that I still have quite a bit more learning and growing left in me.

I know I joke that I am an old man and I think like an old man, but there are certain times where I feel like kid. Deep inside, I’m a big kid at heart. Other times, I’m the grumpy old man.

All in all, I just feel so immature when it comes to certain aspects of relationships. Flirting. I flirt like a grade-schooler. Not cool man. Not cool man.

I think I just need to grow up on this and just be cool and distant. If I like someone, don’t hit her. But it just seems that I only hit people that I kind of like, but more as friends. I tend to be a little more hands off on girls that I actually like. I don’t know why. Like, I’m an ass all the time, but with friends, I’m more of an ass. With girls I like, I’m still the ass, but not as much. Just one notch down.

I think I need to change all of that and just grow the fuck up. Just grow the fuck up.

I’m approaching my thirties and I’m not “young” anymore. I just need to be more debonair, more suave in my approach on this front. This is assuming that it is going to happen again anytime soon.

I think I have gotten into that phase where I’m just taking time off from all things girls. I think I’m just going to start now. It happened after Sheilah and for a short time after Cat, but I think I need to start it up again.

I told Susan I’m going to take a vow of celibacy and become a monk. I’ll be that celibate monk that knows nothing of the flesh anymore. Eventually I’ll be the born again virgin. Masturbation is still a must of course.

I don’t think I can have an excess of built up sexual frustration without going ballistic and crazy. Release is good. It keeps me sane and functional.

So, here now, I think I’ll try to live up to that. To just be a little bit different and go against what I naturally do when I am playful and flirtatious and just be cool, chill, distant, not interested. Just not be so touchy feely and hitty and abusive (not that I am)…I just need to grow the fuck up.

Let’s see how well it works.