There was once a time when I thought I could do anything in the world. It was such a time when I was young, innocent, and the world around me was such a wonder. What happened to those days? Are they becoming a dying breed of days as my numbered days become smaller and smaller? Or is it that I’m just an old man who has opened his eyes to everything around him and is bored by everything? The world has become a place where there is nothing to expect anymore because everything that happens is life. Murder, death, birth, diseases, people, fucking people, etc. etc.

Maybe those were simpler times in our ignorance of things in the world and all things “grown up”. Maybe it isn’t that bad to be ignorant of things in the world. Maybe there is some truth to the saying “ignorance is bliss”. I sure as hell think that I’ll have a sunnier disposition if I was ignorant about certain shit in this world. Maybe those are a few too many maybes.

Or maybe I just always tend to look at the realist, or pessimistic side of the proverbial coin. I should look at things optimistically. Take the sunnier side in all things. Upwards to 3,000 people died from some disease in Ethiopia. Instead of seeing it as a tragedy, take the other side. It’s population control. The Ethiopians were put out of their misery; they’re in a better place, no longer starving or afraid of local gangs and their militia government. Also, with more than 3,000 Ethiopians gone, that means there should be more food for the rest of the starving population. See, the brighter side of the coin.

It might work. I’m getting the hang of it. Just think positive on all things. Rape. Think positive. Suicide. Think positive. Mass murder. Think positive. There are no bads in the world, just….a lesser level of goodness. Think positive.

All in all, things aren’t going to change. I’m not going to change. I’m just a grumpy old man who has spent his long long days alone, tired, with nothing to live for. Whatever dreams I may have died. Now all I do is just wait.

The upside is waiting is that with one day gone, it’s another day gone from the countdown to my numbered day, however long that maybe. Think positive.

* * *
Things happen for a reason. I have to believe that. We make so many decisions in a day, from small minute ones to large life changing ones to just random arbitrary decisions, they all have to amount to something in the end. They all have to come together and impact our life in some way and the outcome of our life is dependent on the culmination of all the decisions we’ve made in our life. Think positive.

Even decisions that you ponder over and sometimes regret making; decisions you kick yourself over because now, you have no idea what was going through your head at that time to make you come to that stupid decision and make the dumbass choice you’ve made at that time. Stupid you are probably thinking, but it has to all mean something. It has to, right?

* * *
It’s been a long time since my heart felt this way. Years, decades. I never thought my heart would be able to pitter patter to the beats of fluttering wings again, but it happened. Maybe it is too good to be true, maybe it is a miracle, but my poor weak heart beats the strongest it has ever beaten in its life.

* * *
Sigh.

Sigh.

Sigh.

I’ve tried and tried again today to write something. Not just my usual typical blog posts of rambling complaints but some prose, some short story or just a small little writing exercise. Something that makes use of whatever creative juices I have in me this humble morning but nothing comes. I try and try again, but nothing comes. It’s not that I’m blocked for ideas…maybe I am, but I’m just not able to put thought to paper.

Maybe my inhibitions are holding me back. Maybe my critical eye and high expectations of how these certain pieces of mine should go is holding me back. As I type more and more, it doesn’t turn out to be anything close to what I wanted them to be. It doesn’t turn out to be anything coherent, relevant, earth shattering, or just plain good. It is just a mumble mish-mash of generic-ness that I don’t want to do.

No quips. No wit. No soul.

Lifeless. Flat.

* * *
Falling head first into things and not thinking about it at the time is how I usually react and do things. Sure I do spend times and time contemplating and thinking of things and what I need to choose to do, especially on big things, but there are some things that I just jump into not because it is the right thing to do or that I don’t want to be looked as a bad person or someone who’s still uncomfortable with things, but because it just feels right. It feels right in my heart. It feels right in my gut.

Whatever the intentions are, I just assume them to be good and nothing more. It just felt right that.

Though there are times which I do doubt myself on whether this “right” feeling I felt when I went along with things was in fact actually right or was it just my hormones or something else guiding my way. But ultimately, looking back, thinking back, pondering things, it was right.

It wasn’t a bad time as we reconnected, not as what we once were, but hopefully as what we will eventually become. Good friends.

It was a long drive for some reason. No particular reason for the traffic besides the usual time to get home mentality that most everyone on the road at that time has. The time spent was just talking, catching up and the usual joking that happens between us.

There were some awkward moments of silence or the just general awkwardness of things, but ultimately they passed or it was only a short amount of time before we settle into the familiarity of smartass remarks and sarcasm.

It was something that we need to do to get pass things. I totally didn’t expect it to happen. It was just a coincidence maybe that it happened. The time was just right as she asked me when was the next time I was heading out East. She needed a ride and I was going out there anyway. Might as well.

Overall, it was a pleasant night. The good outweighed the bad. Maybe things will get easier in the future. Just maybe. Who knows?

* * *

Today is just an off day of writing. Maybe I just stayed up too late last night as I was actually working. Or maybe I’m coming down with something again, which I highly doubt, but I’m just tired. My body is weak. My bladder is weak, needing to go to the bathroom so often. It is not conducive to the writing I’m trying to do, especially in the environment that I am where I can’t readily get up and do my business. I’ll have to pack everything up, go, come back and hope my table is still here.

I don’t know. Who knows? Maybe this is just a short writing day as I need to go home and take care of shit. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, though it wouldn’t be a blogging day, maybe it will be a better writing day. I actually get to do some work.