Looking around, I see the shimmering and shining bulbs that usually accompanies the dreaded holidays of year’s end. Christmas ornaments, wreathes, and shiny dangling stuff.

I know it is early, way too early for me to say this, but, bah humbug from this forever scrooge. It’s just way too damn early to put these things up. Thanksgiving haven’t even passed yet, and here we are with these declarations of all things Christmassy.

All I can do is shake my head, sigh, and give another bah humbug.
* * *

Assumptions and ignorance. I’m usually known of doing one of those on a normal basis, making assumptions. I made one and I spilled my pot with angered frustrations and words and directed them towards an unsuspecting Selena. It has come to light that I didn’t have the right, for the things that she was referring to wasn’t about me.

The change in the air wasn’t about me but of someone else. The fucken ass isn’t me, there’s another. Not about me.

But I guess it is something that I do, because I was the last person with this DC heroine, but, I could see what she is referring to now…well maybe a small part of it. Some parts, I’m still lost in the cloudy mist.

I think for the most part, things are okay between us now. Things are fine as she called and we had a talk to clear the air of my assumptive misunderstanding of all things that are happening. Then there was a catching up, a how do you do, and all things of what is happening in our lives. Just a friendly talk as friends should talk. Not bad and I’m relieved, glad that things are better between us.

So, an all apologies go out to Ms. Kyle. I’m sorry for going off on a rampage with my jumping to conclusions. Sorry. Lo siento.
* * *

Focus. Keeping occupied. Freeing my mind from the restrictive thoughts of all things girls and lady wise. Just trying to focus on work and blind myself in all things work and creative things, finding the inspiration to do the project that I have whole heartedly committed myself to.

Focus.

Things are progressing, moving on as I am getting more and more confident about the duties that I need to do and what I have and will create in the next few months. I will focus a majority of my energy and my attention to that, rereading the script, looking over my storyboards, thinking through logistics in my head, figuring out if my choices that I will make are the right ones that serves the story.

Hopefully so as I get together with another creative mind tonight, my creative partner, the writer, to hear what he has to comment, suggest on my choices that I have made.

It’s going to be a busy few months for me with vacations, family, holidays, writing, shooting, auditioning, working and working. It’s going to be a busy next few months.

Going back to my cave, hiding in the dark as I just focus, focus on things that matters and trying to get certain things out of my head.

Stop the obsession of all things that are irrelevant and just not look, pay attention to any vices that I may have. Just be me. Alone.
* * *

Heavy sighs next to glamour flickering next to these stringy sparkles that lights my eyes. It causes a distraction, making me focus on other things that I shouldn’t be focusing on.

Heavy sighs of contemplative thinking of things to come. The blank future that I am the master painter to make the next Mona Lisa, but my inspiration is gone as I have no idea what the spirit of the canvas is.

It escapes me as everything else has escaped me. It is ever so elusive as it runs and runs, hiding from my creative control, trying to find another.

Focus is tough as there are too many glowy orbs in my brain to focus on, each outshining the other biding for attention and focus. How do I choose what to focus on when it is a pin ball effect of ping ponging Christmas lights of shimmering goodness in my mind, blinding my eyes on what is the true focus in my life?

How do I choose when one pops into focus and goes dark as another goes pop goes the weasel and my attention is focused elsewhere.

Just a mess, a jumbled mess in my mind that I find it hard to do anything else but to think and complain and to just blah the everything in my head.

Lost connections of misguided intentions. Lost connections of correct decisions but full of regret as things need to move on.

Letting go of things that I never had, but holding onto the things that I once had; the short time together that just felt so right.

But I had to be noble, just, right and proper, making the mature decision and doing the mature thing. Who would have thought that this immature person around certain people can make such grown up and mature decisions?

Now this adult is crying like the five year old that he knows he is capable of being.

Holding and hugging, posing and just cheesing for the soul capturer with the cousins that are so much younger and innocent and pure. Just pure joy in my eyes and outpouring of happiness of appreciating life at such a young age. Never lose the innocence that you have.

Brighten my day, brighten my smile as I hold the little one and it just felt so right holding one in my arms. Just felt so right.

Hearing that it is time, that my mother is aching for one. I know I know, but it takes time and I have to take it slow. Things can’t be rushed, can’t be rushed for I am new at this and I’m afraid of taking risks, even though I take many.

Heavy burdens lie in breaking hearts, those that are not mine and the one that is. Pain, misery, depression, guilt, and just a fucked up sense of why do I have to do it will just plague my mind if I break another or go about life just breaking hearts or getting my poor lil’ weak one broken.

Looking blindly in the bright night; trying to find the glimmer of hope that is for me, the perfect one that is for me, but it is tough in the darkest of dark. Just a glimmer is all I hope for.

Even when there was a glimmer, things will just get in the way that will make me be an adult about things and just have to extinguish the glimmer, killing it, nipping it, before it shines and explodes into a supernova killing everything including itself.

The complications of life is something I face every day because living means facing these difficulties and just going through the cycles and obstacles that life brings.

It seems that I’m able to blog my usual rhyme time nonsensical whimsy that use to flood these pages of mine.

Spic and span and out of my life as things slowly fade into non communication as it needs to be to help end things on a smooth note.

There’s a sense of optimism in all things. Things might just work out in the end, solidifying the necessity of me making the decisions that I had to make for the greater good of the things to come.

Maybe it will end happily ever after, maybe not. Maybe I’ll just get my shot to understand what it is that I need and maybe it will be the same for my fix.

Going through withdrawal from this new drug, is slowly becoming easier and easier as I have expected it to be given the time away. It has to be done, but there are times of relapse as my urges and doubts try to persuade me to make that contact, to get another fix, to get drawn in and get addicted again.

As a lifetime drug addict, I have to be careful for it is very easy to get off the wagon.

Fix fix fix. I need one. I’m aching for one, just one slip, one little taste, a sliver of hope that it is just there for me to shoot up whenever I want. I need. I desire my fix.

Going through my usual motions of rehab and slowly all will be gone and I will have a new addiction. I think I may need a new addiction to get past this one.

A fresh new drug to just get a taste of so I can forget the last one. I wasn’t in it enough to just latch on and call it my drug of choice. I’m open to new drugs, new tastes, new fixations.

Maybe the next one will bring something else. The perfection of bittersweet harmony that is just missing in my life.

My blood flows through the richness embracing all experiences that just go and go.

Walking through life in this old age of mine, I can’t help but not get excited over everything anymore and be more and more critical about everything. Nothing wows me anymore. Nothing blows me away for my old eyes have seen everything generations and generations before.

This old soul has resurrected in this old young body and it is now just waiting for its turn to go off in the slumber. It is just trudging through life until that time, looking for things, hoping for new things that might just blow him away.

Inspiration of change and hope as the new elect will be in charge, bringing promises to do things that I agree with. Hope. Change. Inspiration to make the world a better place, a all open commune of people caring for other people, helping everyone out.

Change.

There is a change in the air and there is no denying it. There is a change in everything everyday and I am just a pawn to these changes, going with the flow, feeling the motions, and taking it all in. I go about my business enjoying the ride and will be nothing but grateful once it is over.

Negative, critical. Judgmental. A difference of opinion.

Through experience, one develops opinions about everything they come across and I have come across many things and have developed many many opinions about them. Many will not agree, some may, and all in all, I’m happy to discuss and share.

Some see this pessimism as I just don’t like many things or nothing excites me anymore for it is nothing novel, nothing new, but drawn in and consumed in mass by the mass. Typical and mundane.

A spark of novelty, genuine ingénue that just inspires the fuck out of me. Where is my muse? I throw that out as I am in search of one.

This might be the end of me as I realize that if there is a earthquake right now, I’ll be no more as I’m not sure how this structure will hold as I am sitting near the edge of the third floor. It’s a long long drop with lots of Christmas decorations to bury me. What a way to go.

Winding unwavering in this journey through life taking all the punches it has to give and complaining about it later. That’s all that I can do and hope for the best.

Things are changing as the year of tough decisions are coming to an end and a new year begins in the next few months and it makes me ponder of what is to come.

It will bring forth a brand new decade in my life and close out another decade. A milestone…which just hit me that the year end diatribe of reflection might be a different one that might span my twenties and things to look forward in my thirties.

Thirties. A new decade in life, the new adulthood, the new twenties. Will I be reliving my twenties again or were my twenties really my teens as I just came to being and finally found myself.

I’m sure it will bring forth a new sense of assuredness as I go about facing life as a true blue adult that I always thought my parents were when they were in their twenties. With the certain responsibilities that make them adults.

So many things to think about, so many things to ponder for this over analytical introvert that it almost explodes out of his head.

Listening to these 1s and 0s that pour through my head and I don’t understand 90% of the words that flows, but it has been my life for the past two and a half years. It is a strange phase I’m going through, or is it a phase as I am becoming more and more detached and out of the loop with the English music that i usually listen to.

Looking around and people watching as I write down this big long nonsense as I try to pass the time is what I usually do.

Someone of my kind slowly picks up a fork filled with her tempura and rice and places in her mouth as she talks about something that I don’t know to the friend in front of her.

Tweens and teens go into stores in their flock that they are normally found in to just browse and shop and find the latest of the latest fashion that they think are fashionable so they can be too cool for school when they go back to school and then when they finally come of age to realize that they aren’t really that cool to begin with and will finally start growing up and seeing the world in a different way and realize that she was foolish to think that these materialistic adornments really don’t make a person too cool for school but it is one’s attitude and personality and genuine livelihood that makes them cool in the eyes of her peers or anyone’s peers.

I’m not too cool for school, not even borderline cool. More like luke warm in nature but it is my nature to be luke warm as I’m always complaining that it is hot which is uncool as I try to pump up the AC to make me cool. The artificial way of mechanics that has nothing to do with the coolness that we are all talking about.

Sitting and laughing at the nonsense that is just spilling out of me right now as I try my damnedest to avoid the work that I know that I need to do, but I have another week and I think it will happen tomorrow as I need to look it over and think about the discussed changes and apply the changes and submit it and look at the returned changes and then compare them and see how they can be fit together at a given time to be determined in the not too distant future.

Reaching my limit as I usually tend to do, but since I’ve come out an hour earlier I’ve added another hour to my schedule but it just seems that it is only my original limit that I can stand as I have another hour and I don’t think I can keep this up and I don’t know what else to do as I do know I have many other things that I need to get to today, so in a way I just may end things today or keep it short or maybe I should just go about and finish my hour and just go about my business as my quickly thrown together go with the flow scheduled was originally planned.

I will hear from the drug today as I have faith it is the drug that will try to get me to be addicted again and I have no will power not to answer the drug since it is a drug that I do enjoy. I have faith that it will happen but I don’t know what I’m going to do about it. Faith faith faith with my weak will as I don’t know how I will handle my addictions to this drug.

Again, looking, searching for a new drug to get my mind off of another drug but I did declare that I am done and through with drugs as I am trying to go to rehab and be drug free for the remainder of my days. Drugs are bad.

Say no to drugs goes the afterschool special that I kind of paid attention because as I was enticed by it during my school days, I was never given the opportunity to try for I was too afraid to try and just too damn shy to do anything about.

Shy shy shy is what I proclaim to be with my antisocial behavior.

I use to have a girlfriend but I’m difficult as I tell Serena and apparently they all know that I’m difficult.

A widely known fact about my difficultness but yet I am young and there is hope and hope is what I’m looking for I guess, but there is hope for I am young.

I’m difficult difficult hence the no surprise that things are what they are and that I am once again the lone wanderer that I know that I will be till my end of days.

Overdramatic and strongly worded; the be all end all of my drama queen ways, but that is me as I am melodramatic and everything is big and big for that is my life and everything revolves around me even though I do know and realize and understand that life really doesn’t.

I am small, insignificant in this world. My existence has no impact to this world. The only impact is only to my small group of friends and family that I have touched in my 29 and some change years of existence.

I am okay with that, not making ripples in the world but in the background, the deep still pool that ripples are made on. Just being there experiencing the ripples that may or may not come its way. I am okay with that.

Small and insignificant is how I want to be in this world, not making any impact for I don’t think I can deal with the pressure and the responsibility of being something more.