What is it? What is there to say? What is it that went wrong?

How could things just go from that to this to that again? I don’t understand how thing just ended up here?

Maybe it is because of the diatribes that I write that just ruffle the wrong feathers, but what about it? What is it that went wrong in this scenario of friendly conversation of just superficial talking for the sake of talking? What is it?

Questions with very little answers as I sway this and that way trying to figure out the solution in my head.

There are no solutions to come, because it is just one of those questions that are beyond my comprehension. It is a calculus story problem when I’m only in algebra II.

It’s difficult and I’m not going to pretend that I understand.

I guess in a way I see what happened, but I don’t understand why it resulted in the angered angriness that happened? I don’t understand.

I don’t understand and I guess it is something that I just won’t understand at all till my dying day.

I have come to a conclusion that I just need to calm the fuck down and just calm the fuck down for the sake of calming the fuck down. There is no need to do the things that I need to do, but this is my place to write to get my angered frustrations and to empty my brain. This is my place for me to see and those who are in the know.

My space.

My place.

But I guess it is not my place at all. Apparently. I don’t know what it is but I like to write uncensored with only my knowledge to guide me. Strangers read and see but they don’t really see and understand the haps and the mishaps that are happening.

In this day and age of the lonely traveler, a good outlet is all he needs and requires to just get things out in the air to clear things up and to just blah with the blahing best of them. To just get things off his chest and to just unwind and just be who he is.

If that’s a fucking ass or a dick or a bitch, then so be it.

It is my place to scream to the world, the empty void, the BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH of everything that is just happening.

Sure I got a hand in making things happen. Sure I got my hand stuck in the cookie jar, found and prosecuted at the things that I have done. But they were my choices to make and I base them on what I think is right.

Is it wrong of me to read words that were meant to be read? Is it wrong of me to be literate and curious? Is it wrong of me to feel a sense of elation at words that were in an off-the-cuff way directed toward me and people in the know? I am a part of the party and I am going to that party, not just to party, but to party.

What is it that people expect to read in these little rumblings of mine? What is it? A change? A pang of guilt? A difference of opinion? A sadness?

I spill things, my emotions, feelings, thoughts, dreams, opinions, all things me in this dear ol’ friend of mine; this therapy that makes me feel a little better each day, to help me deal with what shit I have to deal with in my life. This is my place, my blog, my life, my thoughts, my shrink, my salvation.

Mine.

I know that I don’t write pretty words. I know that things I write in here will rub people the wrong way. I know I will hurt people with the things I write in here, whether I meant it to hurt or not, it happens. Shit happens. Life happens.

I’m a fucking ass. Sure. Okay. Fine.

I succumb to that fact. I am a ass.

A pissed off asshole that just wanted to share his thoughts on forward movement and happiness. I guess it wasn’t my place to do it. I just like to know that things are getting better, things are looking brighter, things are just much better off. I like that, I would like to know that…and it does ease my mind to know that.

But I guess it was wrong of me to think about it. I guess it was wrong of me to put my feelings down for my small audience to read. I guess it was just a fucking asshole thing of me to do these things.

I’m a fucking ass. Fine.

Sigh.

Sighs upon sighs upon sighs. This has been my life lately. Just endless sighs and blahs to pass the time.

I guess this one will make me a even bigger evil ass, and this time, I’m doing it on purpose. I’m doing it because, I might as well.

Sigh.

Anger. Anger management.

I know I have anger issues. I know I get festered and frustrated on things I don’t understand.

I’m just not the most patient guy. I’m not the smartest guy. I’m not the most understanding guy.

I’m not anything.

If it needs be that I need to keep my finger shut on all things regarding my thoughts and my actions and all things about me, if that is the case, I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can censor myself on that front. I know it is healthy to help people along and that it is selfish of me to just go about my daily business of clearing my mind, my thoughts, spilling my brain out for all to see, but I can’t take all the blame and responsibility of everything.

I can’t. To be fair and honest…I just can’t.

I have to rethink things now. I have to rethink my actions, my approach on certain things. I just have to be hesitant and think things over and reevaluate everything. I just have to.

No one is ready. No one is ready for any of this. No one is ready for the future and everyone is just stuck, stepped in the dried molasses which sticks on you like superglue.

A forced stuckness of stale movement. There is nowhere to go, nowhere to be. Just nowhere.

There’s nothing in the future anymore.

I can’t see anything anymore. All is gone, for I am blind. It’s not even blank but a silvery misty haze of unexpectedness and foreign actions that aren’t mine.

It just seems that my life is out of my hands again. My choices, though I believe to be true, just makes things worse and worse. Just constant doubts when there shouldn’t be any doubts.

Just a ickiness of not wanting things to just whatever. Just nothing but that haze which I can’t see through…beyond my grasp and my comprehension.

I don’t’ know what to do. My heart that once beat with guilt just seems to given up on that and just beat for the sake of beating. Tired, frustrated, given up on all things; it has nothing else to do but to beat without rhyme or reason. It is beating only because it can and doesn’t care about anything anymore.

It has succumbed to being the bitch of life’s complications. It has become a bitch, a bitch that it knows that it doesn’t want to be, but it has to be because it can’t not be.

I’m a bitch. My heart’s a bitch. A bitch for pain.

Angry and tired. Frustrated and tired. Tired and tired.

What is it? What is there left to do? What do I need to do to make things better?

Sigh.

Tired. I’m just tired of everything. I’m just tired of everything and everything. Tired.

Why can’t things be easier? I know, I know, matters of the heart just complicate everything to the nth degree.

Sigh.

I never meant my words to hurt. I never meant to cause any tears, anger, frustration. I never meant to do anything malicious. Never did and never will. But I do understand people take things the way they take things, because it happens. But, genuinely, I never meant to cause any pain. It was just a declaration that I’m elated to see progress. Just a thought that I am glad things are better.

No more. No less.

Sigh.