There’s a change in the air. There’s something that is happening. There is something that just goes and goes. There is time ticking away.

Change.

It is happening. It is going. It is healthy.

There is a change and I am happy for it. I am happy to know that things aren’t stuck in the past and that there is forward movement.

Drifting away, in and out of your memories and soon I’ll be gone in the way that I should be gone. No more pining, no more hoping. I will be just me and you will be just you. There is a change and I am happy for it.

Stuck in the past. Stuck on me. Those are things that should not be the case and just focus on what is. What is here. What is now.

I am really glad to hear that you are moving on. I am really glad that you aren’t thinking about me anymore. I am just really glad, because I really did feel bad for what I’ve done and I’m not the type of person that anyone should ever put such investment in.

It was not my heart to hurt, but it was shattered by me and I am ridden with guilt. But….c’est la vie.

Moving on. Living life. Going out. Partying. Being with friends. All things that are good, all things that I wish for you to do, and it seems that you are. I hope that you are truly happy right now and things are getting better for you.

Eventually, maybe we’ll get in touch again. I know it is up to me to reach out, and hopefully one day, I’ll be able to; to reach out and not be a enemy, but a friend. Hopefully I’ll be able to do that.

* * *

On my mind, in my head, are just clouds and clouds of thoughts, regrets, happy things, and just life in general. All things that cloud my head that I dwell on because I’m just that type of person that dwells on everything and anything. From the minute to the expansive. Everything.

From life lessons learned, unlearned, to the hope and desires and the I don’t know of the future that is just moments away and yet so far away.

What is to come of me? What is there for me? What am I to do?

I tell myself constantly in this blog and in my life in general not to be stuck and just move on and live life and focus on the here and now. I have done that…for the most part, but there are times when my mind does wander to the past and evaluate things with the hindsight-twenty-twenty that we’re all so familiar with and just wonder….Did I make the right decisions?

I know it was just last week where I said that I live and die by my decisions. There are no regrets. There aren’t…well, not yet. Maybe there are regrets, but I’m just the type of person that knows that the decision is made, what’s done is done, and that I can’t go back in time to change it anymore. I can’t do anything; it’s out of my hands. I just have to live with the decisions I make and make peace with that choice.

It’s me, all me.

There are just so many distractions that are pounding away in my brain that I just find it hard to focus and just do anything that is worthwhile or anything that I need to do or have set my mind to do. I have reach this state of apathy and a general ennui of blahness that just lingers on and on until that moment of motivation that strikes me and I’ll do only a split second of work before the ickiness plagues my ambitions again.

But there are just sometimes where I power through, try to keep busy, and just sit down and punish myself and just do. Sit and do.

I punish myself in other ways.

Again, there was a recent change in the air and I told my friend about it. She asked if I was sad and I told her no. I’m not sad. Was I lying?

She said, “that’s awfully mature”

It is mature, but what other way is there to be about it but to be mature. What other way? It doesn’t make me sad to know that she’s moving on. Again, I’m glad, happy to know that she’s moving on and that she is able and strong enough, as I have known her potential to be, to pull herself back together.

Yes, it is mature. I have to be. I was the one that made the decision that led us to be where we are at today. I was the one that made things difficult and ended things. I was the one. I have to take the responsibility and own up to my actions and be mature about it. There is no reason for me to be sad about it. None. All I can do is to own up to it. There is no point in holding onto something that I made happen. I let things go and there is no point in latching on and wish that she would just not move on till the end of our lives.

That’s fucked up. It’s selfish to want that. I’m not that type of person. She’s moving on. It’s a joyous thing for her. There is nothing sad about it. I have to be mature. It was my choice.

But am I sad?

I’m not going to lie. There were days that I didn’t think about her as I found a new fixation or I was just so focused on the job at hand to think about her. But recently, as things slowed down, I’ve been thinking about her more and more. Maybe it is this change that brought about my fevered contemplation of all things us and what I did or maybe it is just around that time where it generally hits me and I just focus on it. I’m not sure, but I’ve been thinking about things more and more.

Looking back at all the times we spent together. Looking back at everything, the good, the bad, the good and the good. Everything.

It just makes me realize as much as I hate giving up my space, as much as I am such an individual, so independent, I do actually miss being in a relationship. I miss having my companion by my side to experience things with, even though they are small and insignificant daily mundane trivial things. I do miss it.

I miss having that person to hold. I miss having a sweaty palm mashed up with my palm. I miss the tender soft kisses. I just miss the acts of being in a relationship.

I see my shortcomings as a man. I see my shortcomings as a man who has very little experience in being in a relationship and don’t know the ins and outs of actually being in a relationship. I see that I did take things for granted and I do see that I’m a very strong person with very strong opinions of how things, how my life should be.

Lessons learned. Lessons unlearned.

Maybe it was my fault that things ended so badly. Maybe I should have been more communicative about everything. Would that have mattered? Would that have ended things on a brighter note? Would it have?

I don’t know. Things I do ponder nowadays from time to time. The dreaded what ifs…but again, things are all said and done. No going back. No turning back. Only forward moving, forward thinking.

Thinking ahead. Looking ahead.

This place I am at is a familiar place. This general blahness of ennui. Borderline.

What is to change? What is to happen? Why this dwelling?

It happened before as I just stated. The three month mark of just things happening when I just reach that sense of blahness and doubt the decisions I made. At that time, I was able to fix things and move on by focusing on something else. Family.

Will I have that to lean on now? Or will it be something different now? I don’t know. I just have to wait and see, wait and see.

It seems that is what I’ve been doing lately. Wait and see, wait and see.

* * *

Obsessing and stalking of all things. Hoping for the best on both fronts. Following up and seeing what they are up to on all fronts.

Things that I know I am doing and things that I know I need to stop and eventually well.

And mostly it is because with time, I will forget and make it easier for me to move on. With time, things change and I’ll be able to move on as the time of mourning is over.

I do admit on certain fronts, things are easier to laugh at now. I have made many decisions in my life and many that I do know are right, but I do doubt them.

I spoke to many about them and I hear different sides of the same coin. They all sound fair and makes sense to me but deep inside there is only that one side that I hear and feel comfortable with and I just punish myself and doubt myself about it.

It is natural as I am the over analyzer, thinking everything in and out and thinking about things through and through, spinning it around and evaluating things even more.

I don’t think I’ll ever change on that front for that is who I am. I am just that person; the introverted person that just over think things.

Do I ever do anything on impulse? It just seems that times I do and other times I don’t.

I think things through and through in my head for such a long time and when it comes time to act in a way it just seems so out of the blue, but at times, it just feels so methodical and planned out and deliberate.

What is to come of me and my future?

* * *

Maybe I just need to succumb to this illness that I am infected with. Maybe I should just embrace it. Maybe it is the reason why I’ve been such a sickly pickle this whole year. It has been the worst year health wise for me. Maybe the toxic fretting, dwelling, obsessing is just finally getting to me.

I should just stop. Stop it. Kill it.

What is it that I need?

I think I should just finally do what it is that I keep telling that friendly friend that is having her life sucked out by the symbiote that is within her. I should just stop dating or think about being in a relationship and just end up alone.

Of course she rolls her eyes, or I would assume so as she types it out, and says whatever. It’s a old tune that I sing, but never followed through.

Even the blazing red head that I hang out with time to time even says whatever as I scream my anthem of “I’m done, I’m done. No more dating”.

Maybe I should just be done and not think of it.

I do know that I like my space. I like my independence and to be on my own, not having to compromise on all things me. Maybe this is for the better. It’ll be easier.

Dash away my hopes and dreams and yearnings for a family of my own. My own family could or will understand. I do have a son, a furry son, but still my son none the less. IT will work out for me. It will.

To be single, to be me, who I am now for the long long term. I think it is possible. I think I will actually be happy with it. I think it will work…..

Maybe I’m just kidding myself…maybe I’m not. But I guess we will always have to wait and see. Wait and see.

Taking time away from that front. Just taking time and keeping to myself. Just keeping time and stop being playful. Keep to myself, turn inward and just focus on the things that I am known to focus on from time to time and that is my work. Just turn inward and become the boring person that I know I am.

Just turn inward.

Maybe I should just finally do it and not focus on the opposite gender. Just be on my own. I think it is for the best, right now.

So. Here, now, I do declare. I’m not looking. I will fight the urge to be in a relationship. I will end up alone as I self-deprecatingly do declare and joke. I will make that a fact….on certain conditions of course.

Conditions that if someone does come around; someone who strikes my fancy and is available, that I will and do try to make things work and take all the lessons that I have learned and be open-minded to learn more; be more flexible; and hopefully do make things work.

But other than that loophole, that condition, I just don’t need to focus on that, the relationship, and just focus on my writing, my work, my photography, my life, and living it to my desire.

Maybe all this time, it has been holding me back.

I’ve always put the romantic ideals of being in a the “perfect” relationship on a pedestal and I do know it doesn’t exist. I should just throw away any idealistic romantic notions of love, relationships, happily-ever-after and just focus on the dry solid reality of boring work work ambitious work.

I make that declaration quite frequently and I never stick to it. Hence the “whatever” from my friends, but I think I should stick to it so it won’t be empty words. I need to stick to it.

Strip it away from my consciousness and step on it. Away with stupid love and relationships. Mash it up to little tiny pieces and flush it down the toilet. Flush, spin around and around, gurgle. GONE.

Just focus on what is important right now. Just focus on the things that matter right now. Work. Work. Work.

All work and no play makes Phong a dull boy. I’m a dull boy already, so that makes no difference to me.

All work and no play makes Phong a successful boy. And success is what I want.

I am young and life is long. I have lots of time to play when I’m dead (I know, that doesn’t make sense, but go with it).

These foolish ideals has taken up a lot of my life and caused many sleepless, angered, sick nights. No more as I throw it out with the bathwater with future babies included. Gone.

A decision that I need to make and I am making it. Live and die by my decisions. Gone.

Maybe it is a bit overdramatic, which I do tend to be, but maybe it is something that I do need to do.

It is usually around the time when you least expect it, even when you aren’t searching when things actually happen. I’m not hoping for it, I’m not going to think about it, I’m just going to live it and see where this blank nondestined future has in store for me.