I’m sure I wrote about this many times already, but I’ve always been fascinated by my nightly dreams. Some nights I’ll remember them and other nights they’ll be distant memories gone at the moment my eyes flickers to life.

I’ve been fascinated with them ever since my senior year in high school when I had a very telling dream. There were just so many things going on in that dream, though I remember it very clearly. The gist is that I’m off on my own, taking the direction less traveled. Where everyone is making a left turn, I’m making a right. But, the thing that gets me is that I’m always being chased by someone. I’m not sure who, but it is by someone.

It’s been a while since I’ve had an anxiety dream like the one listed above; dreams where I’m being chased or attacked.

Usually my typical dreams, well dreams that I do remember are once again, I’m off on my own, doing my own thing. BUT instead of being lost, or having the feeling that I’m lost and that I’m trying to find something or find my way out, I have direction. I know what I’m doing. I know where I’m going. It’s just that it takes a long time, so in the end; there really is no resolution to my dreams. But I have direction, no longer lost. There’s a far off purpose that is just out of reach.

These dreams are much more different than the dreams I had when I was younger; always lost and trying to find my way. I was very lost in life during that time. Very little direction and purpose in life. But luckily, things are better now.

Which brings me back to a dream I had last night, or maybe it was this morning? It just seems I’m having similar dreams for the past few weeks; dreams along the same vein as the one I had this morning.

I’m not sure how the dream started, or where I was particularly or what I was doing or how I ended up where I was. I’m not even sure where I was. All I know was that it was a school.

Again, not sure what I’m doing there. It starts out typically how many of my dreams start out, me alone going someplace. In this case, I was trying to get to a class or a lecture. I walk into the school. It’s large, impersonal, a labyrinth of walls, halls, and rooms. It’s vast, and there were parts that look like a grand opera house lobby.

I go about my business, trying to find this class I’m supposed to be in, but I can’t find it. I need to be there, because I’m late and the lecture is starting. Apparently, there were a few girls (students) who are late also. I ask a security guard or someone else where the class is. He pointed in a direction. I go.

I go through hallways, corridors, doors and doors. I get a little anxious as I step outside into a grassy wooded area that is like a mysterious jungle in the tropics. I’m getting a little anxious. I’m not sure where the girls were, but I had a feeling they were following me. I know to get to my class I have to go through this jungle. It’s dark, but light from the full moon shines brightly down. It doesn’t make the jungle any less intimidating.

I plow ahead through the jungle and the tall grass. I needed to go. It’s my purpose, to get to class. My destination is just past this jungle. I march on. Then a vine reached out and grabbed me. I freak out and started to run and more and more vines reach out to grab me. Eventually the vines got me and I couldn’t go anywhere, and that is where I woke up.

Now, usually I try to analyze the dream or ask Susan to help me interpret the dream, but there is no need for that. I already know what the dream means. I’m just anxious about certain stuff in my life right now. I know what I need to do, but I can’t focus, or I’m scared, or there is always something in the way distracting me, holding me back and in this case it is the vines from the jungle. It is holding me back.

What is it that is holding me back in reality? Most likely my ideology, my fear of failing, or my typical distractions of over analyzing things and obsession.

Just funny how things are that way. It’s been a while since I had these anxiety dreams, but they are here.

Ultimately, there are just a lot of things happening in my life right now that I just need to deal with on my own. They aren’t things that are drastic or life changing. They are just things that I typically fret over or obsess over and I’m just trying my damnedest to just let it go.

I have faith that I will overcome them, as I focus on other things.

* * *
It might be a little too early for this and don’t typically do this, but I think I’m going to make some resolutions. It’s not going to be these New Year’s resolutions or anything of that matter, but they are more about things that I think I want to do, should do, to just grow and be more outgoing. When will this happen? Maybe the year coming up or maybe now, next week, or some other time. I’m not really sure.

I just know that this year was the year of tough decisions, the year before that was the year of change, and every year is the year of living life and growing up and change, and the coming year will be no different. Maybe that’s the thing that I need to work on? Maybe that is the thing that I need to master to become a better person than the person I am now and that is to just go out and experience and live. I think I may be ready for it.

Most likely, it’ll just be me doing these things, doing these things I am interested in. They won’t be these big posse extravaganzas because I don’t have a posse. Most likely it’ll just be me doing these things. My source: The LA Weekly.

I’ll look through it and maybe find an art gallery opening, or just go to the museum, or just go mountain biking or just biking somewhere which I thought I was going to do when I got my bike, or just go to some play or go and just do something. Me alone against the world, finding my groove and just finding my thing. No one with me. Just me out doing my shit on my own.

Might as well get use to it because I think that is how things are going to be. I know it isn’t going to be forever, me being alone, but I know for the time being, it will have to be.

I know for the most part, I already do some of these things already, just going out alone. But mostly it is for films. Films I want to see but no one else and I’m cool with it. But let’s just expand that. Let’s just do it and not be held back by my laziness or my misanthropy.

I still have a lot of time left between now and the end of the year to think about my yearly year-end diatribe reflection piece. My yearly bah humbug to all things.

Again, I will be up in my second home when I write that and hopefully I can come to terms with the things that happened in my life and learn to expect with a tinge of optimism that things will be equally tougher and equally better for the year to come.

* * *
Maturity.

I would like to think that I’m mature, mature for my age. It seems that I have always been, but that maybe because I’m just stale, but I would like to believe that. I do believe that the decision I made a month ago was a very mature thing that I did. I laid out the situation and my reasoning and it was what it was.

Sure there are days when I do obsess over the decision that I made and overanalyze everything, thinking if I made the correct decision, such and such. But deep inside, I know I did the mature thing and did make the right decision. Again, it all goes back to me having to do the proper thing and be noble and all that chivalrous bullshit that I came to learn about myself. I have this Knight in shining armor complex. Fuck it.

But maturity. Again, I have it on many many levels, but there are times when I feel that I am immature. There are times that I feel that I have so much growing up and learning left in me to do. I know it is true, that we all learn and grow till the day we die, but I just came to the realization that I still have quite a bit more learning and growing left in me.

I know I joke that I am an old man and I think like an old man, but there are certain times where I feel like kid. Deep inside, I’m a big kid at heart. Other times, I’m the grumpy old man.

All in all, I just feel so immature when it comes to certain aspects of relationships. Flirting. I flirt like a grade-schooler. Not cool man. Not cool man.

I think I just need to grow up on this and just be cool and distant. If I like someone, don’t hit her. But it just seems that I only hit people that I kind of like, but more as friends. I tend to be a little more hands off on girls that I actually like. I don’t know why. Like, I’m an ass all the time, but with friends, I’m more of an ass. With girls I like, I’m still the ass, but not as much. Just one notch down.

I think I need to change all of that and just grow the fuck up. Just grow the fuck up.

I’m approaching my thirties and I’m not “young” anymore. I just need to be more debonair, more suave in my approach on this front. This is assuming that it is going to happen again anytime soon.

I think I have gotten into that phase where I’m just taking time off from all things girls. I think I’m just going to start now. It happened after Sheilah and for a short time after Cat, but I think I need to start it up again.

I told Susan I’m going to take a vow of celibacy and become a monk. I’ll be that celibate monk that knows nothing of the flesh anymore. Eventually I’ll be the born again virgin. Masturbation is still a must of course.

I don’t think I can have an excess of built up sexual frustration without going ballistic and crazy. Release is good. It keeps me sane and functional.

So, here now, I think I’ll try to live up to that. To just be a little bit different and go against what I naturally do when I am playful and flirtatious and just be cool, chill, distant, not interested. Just not be so touchy feely and hitty and abusive (not that I am)…I just need to grow the fuck up.

Let’s see how well it works.

Looking around, I see the shimmering and shining bulbs that usually accompanies the dreaded holidays of year’s end. Christmas ornaments, wreathes, and shiny dangling stuff.

I know it is early, way too early for me to say this, but, bah humbug from this forever scrooge. It’s just way too damn early to put these things up. Thanksgiving haven’t even passed yet, and here we are with these declarations of all things Christmassy.

All I can do is shake my head, sigh, and give another bah humbug.
* * *

Assumptions and ignorance. I’m usually known of doing one of those on a normal basis, making assumptions. I made one and I spilled my pot with angered frustrations and words and directed them towards an unsuspecting Selena. It has come to light that I didn’t have the right, for the things that she was referring to wasn’t about me.

The change in the air wasn’t about me but of someone else. The fucken ass isn’t me, there’s another. Not about me.

But I guess it is something that I do, because I was the last person with this DC heroine, but, I could see what she is referring to now…well maybe a small part of it. Some parts, I’m still lost in the cloudy mist.

I think for the most part, things are okay between us now. Things are fine as she called and we had a talk to clear the air of my assumptive misunderstanding of all things that are happening. Then there was a catching up, a how do you do, and all things of what is happening in our lives. Just a friendly talk as friends should talk. Not bad and I’m relieved, glad that things are better between us.

So, an all apologies go out to Ms. Kyle. I’m sorry for going off on a rampage with my jumping to conclusions. Sorry. Lo siento.
* * *

Focus. Keeping occupied. Freeing my mind from the restrictive thoughts of all things girls and lady wise. Just trying to focus on work and blind myself in all things work and creative things, finding the inspiration to do the project that I have whole heartedly committed myself to.

Focus.

Things are progressing, moving on as I am getting more and more confident about the duties that I need to do and what I have and will create in the next few months. I will focus a majority of my energy and my attention to that, rereading the script, looking over my storyboards, thinking through logistics in my head, figuring out if my choices that I will make are the right ones that serves the story.

Hopefully so as I get together with another creative mind tonight, my creative partner, the writer, to hear what he has to comment, suggest on my choices that I have made.

It’s going to be a busy few months for me with vacations, family, holidays, writing, shooting, auditioning, working and working. It’s going to be a busy next few months.

Going back to my cave, hiding in the dark as I just focus, focus on things that matters and trying to get certain things out of my head.

Stop the obsession of all things that are irrelevant and just not look, pay attention to any vices that I may have. Just be me. Alone.
* * *

Heavy sighs next to glamour flickering next to these stringy sparkles that lights my eyes. It causes a distraction, making me focus on other things that I shouldn’t be focusing on.

Heavy sighs of contemplative thinking of things to come. The blank future that I am the master painter to make the next Mona Lisa, but my inspiration is gone as I have no idea what the spirit of the canvas is.

It escapes me as everything else has escaped me. It is ever so elusive as it runs and runs, hiding from my creative control, trying to find another.

Focus is tough as there are too many glowy orbs in my brain to focus on, each outshining the other biding for attention and focus. How do I choose what to focus on when it is a pin ball effect of ping ponging Christmas lights of shimmering goodness in my mind, blinding my eyes on what is the true focus in my life?

How do I choose when one pops into focus and goes dark as another goes pop goes the weasel and my attention is focused elsewhere.

Just a mess, a jumbled mess in my mind that I find it hard to do anything else but to think and complain and to just blah the everything in my head.

Lost connections of misguided intentions. Lost connections of correct decisions but full of regret as things need to move on.

Letting go of things that I never had, but holding onto the things that I once had; the short time together that just felt so right.

But I had to be noble, just, right and proper, making the mature decision and doing the mature thing. Who would have thought that this immature person around certain people can make such grown up and mature decisions?

Now this adult is crying like the five year old that he knows he is capable of being.

Holding and hugging, posing and just cheesing for the soul capturer with the cousins that are so much younger and innocent and pure. Just pure joy in my eyes and outpouring of happiness of appreciating life at such a young age. Never lose the innocence that you have.

Brighten my day, brighten my smile as I hold the little one and it just felt so right holding one in my arms. Just felt so right.

Hearing that it is time, that my mother is aching for one. I know I know, but it takes time and I have to take it slow. Things can’t be rushed, can’t be rushed for I am new at this and I’m afraid of taking risks, even though I take many.

Heavy burdens lie in breaking hearts, those that are not mine and the one that is. Pain, misery, depression, guilt, and just a fucked up sense of why do I have to do it will just plague my mind if I break another or go about life just breaking hearts or getting my poor lil’ weak one broken.

Looking blindly in the bright night; trying to find the glimmer of hope that is for me, the perfect one that is for me, but it is tough in the darkest of dark. Just a glimmer is all I hope for.

Even when there was a glimmer, things will just get in the way that will make me be an adult about things and just have to extinguish the glimmer, killing it, nipping it, before it shines and explodes into a supernova killing everything including itself.

The complications of life is something I face every day because living means facing these difficulties and just going through the cycles and obstacles that life brings.

It seems that I’m able to blog my usual rhyme time nonsensical whimsy that use to flood these pages of mine.

Spic and span and out of my life as things slowly fade into non communication as it needs to be to help end things on a smooth note.

There’s a sense of optimism in all things. Things might just work out in the end, solidifying the necessity of me making the decisions that I had to make for the greater good of the things to come.

Maybe it will end happily ever after, maybe not. Maybe I’ll just get my shot to understand what it is that I need and maybe it will be the same for my fix.

Going through withdrawal from this new drug, is slowly becoming easier and easier as I have expected it to be given the time away. It has to be done, but there are times of relapse as my urges and doubts try to persuade me to make that contact, to get another fix, to get drawn in and get addicted again.

As a lifetime drug addict, I have to be careful for it is very easy to get off the wagon.

Fix fix fix. I need one. I’m aching for one, just one slip, one little taste, a sliver of hope that it is just there for me to shoot up whenever I want. I need. I desire my fix.

Going through my usual motions of rehab and slowly all will be gone and I will have a new addiction. I think I may need a new addiction to get past this one.

A fresh new drug to just get a taste of so I can forget the last one. I wasn’t in it enough to just latch on and call it my drug of choice. I’m open to new drugs, new tastes, new fixations.

Maybe the next one will bring something else. The perfection of bittersweet harmony that is just missing in my life.

My blood flows through the richness embracing all experiences that just go and go.

Walking through life in this old age of mine, I can’t help but not get excited over everything anymore and be more and more critical about everything. Nothing wows me anymore. Nothing blows me away for my old eyes have seen everything generations and generations before.

This old soul has resurrected in this old young body and it is now just waiting for its turn to go off in the slumber. It is just trudging through life until that time, looking for things, hoping for new things that might just blow him away.

Inspiration of change and hope as the new elect will be in charge, bringing promises to do things that I agree with. Hope. Change. Inspiration to make the world a better place, a all open commune of people caring for other people, helping everyone out.

Change.

There is a change in the air and there is no denying it. There is a change in everything everyday and I am just a pawn to these changes, going with the flow, feeling the motions, and taking it all in. I go about my business enjoying the ride and will be nothing but grateful once it is over.

Negative, critical. Judgmental. A difference of opinion.

Through experience, one develops opinions about everything they come across and I have come across many things and have developed many many opinions about them. Many will not agree, some may, and all in all, I’m happy to discuss and share.

Some see this pessimism as I just don’t like many things or nothing excites me anymore for it is nothing novel, nothing new, but drawn in and consumed in mass by the mass. Typical and mundane.

A spark of novelty, genuine ingénue that just inspires the fuck out of me. Where is my muse? I throw that out as I am in search of one.

This might be the end of me as I realize that if there is a earthquake right now, I’ll be no more as I’m not sure how this structure will hold as I am sitting near the edge of the third floor. It’s a long long drop with lots of Christmas decorations to bury me. What a way to go.

Winding unwavering in this journey through life taking all the punches it has to give and complaining about it later. That’s all that I can do and hope for the best.

Things are changing as the year of tough decisions are coming to an end and a new year begins in the next few months and it makes me ponder of what is to come.

It will bring forth a brand new decade in my life and close out another decade. A milestone…which just hit me that the year end diatribe of reflection might be a different one that might span my twenties and things to look forward in my thirties.

Thirties. A new decade in life, the new adulthood, the new twenties. Will I be reliving my twenties again or were my twenties really my teens as I just came to being and finally found myself.

I’m sure it will bring forth a new sense of assuredness as I go about facing life as a true blue adult that I always thought my parents were when they were in their twenties. With the certain responsibilities that make them adults.

So many things to think about, so many things to ponder for this over analytical introvert that it almost explodes out of his head.

Listening to these 1s and 0s that pour through my head and I don’t understand 90% of the words that flows, but it has been my life for the past two and a half years. It is a strange phase I’m going through, or is it a phase as I am becoming more and more detached and out of the loop with the English music that i usually listen to.

Looking around and people watching as I write down this big long nonsense as I try to pass the time is what I usually do.

Someone of my kind slowly picks up a fork filled with her tempura and rice and places in her mouth as she talks about something that I don’t know to the friend in front of her.

Tweens and teens go into stores in their flock that they are normally found in to just browse and shop and find the latest of the latest fashion that they think are fashionable so they can be too cool for school when they go back to school and then when they finally come of age to realize that they aren’t really that cool to begin with and will finally start growing up and seeing the world in a different way and realize that she was foolish to think that these materialistic adornments really don’t make a person too cool for school but it is one’s attitude and personality and genuine livelihood that makes them cool in the eyes of her peers or anyone’s peers.

I’m not too cool for school, not even borderline cool. More like luke warm in nature but it is my nature to be luke warm as I’m always complaining that it is hot which is uncool as I try to pump up the AC to make me cool. The artificial way of mechanics that has nothing to do with the coolness that we are all talking about.

Sitting and laughing at the nonsense that is just spilling out of me right now as I try my damnedest to avoid the work that I know that I need to do, but I have another week and I think it will happen tomorrow as I need to look it over and think about the discussed changes and apply the changes and submit it and look at the returned changes and then compare them and see how they can be fit together at a given time to be determined in the not too distant future.

Reaching my limit as I usually tend to do, but since I’ve come out an hour earlier I’ve added another hour to my schedule but it just seems that it is only my original limit that I can stand as I have another hour and I don’t think I can keep this up and I don’t know what else to do as I do know I have many other things that I need to get to today, so in a way I just may end things today or keep it short or maybe I should just go about and finish my hour and just go about my business as my quickly thrown together go with the flow scheduled was originally planned.

I will hear from the drug today as I have faith it is the drug that will try to get me to be addicted again and I have no will power not to answer the drug since it is a drug that I do enjoy. I have faith that it will happen but I don’t know what I’m going to do about it. Faith faith faith with my weak will as I don’t know how I will handle my addictions to this drug.

Again, looking, searching for a new drug to get my mind off of another drug but I did declare that I am done and through with drugs as I am trying to go to rehab and be drug free for the remainder of my days. Drugs are bad.

Say no to drugs goes the afterschool special that I kind of paid attention because as I was enticed by it during my school days, I was never given the opportunity to try for I was too afraid to try and just too damn shy to do anything about.

Shy shy shy is what I proclaim to be with my antisocial behavior.

I use to have a girlfriend but I’m difficult as I tell Serena and apparently they all know that I’m difficult.

A widely known fact about my difficultness but yet I am young and there is hope and hope is what I’m looking for I guess, but there is hope for I am young.

I’m difficult difficult hence the no surprise that things are what they are and that I am once again the lone wanderer that I know that I will be till my end of days.

Overdramatic and strongly worded; the be all end all of my drama queen ways, but that is me as I am melodramatic and everything is big and big for that is my life and everything revolves around me even though I do know and realize and understand that life really doesn’t.

I am small, insignificant in this world. My existence has no impact to this world. The only impact is only to my small group of friends and family that I have touched in my 29 and some change years of existence.

I am okay with that, not making ripples in the world but in the background, the deep still pool that ripples are made on. Just being there experiencing the ripples that may or may not come its way. I am okay with that.

Small and insignificant is how I want to be in this world, not making any impact for I don’t think I can deal with the pressure and the responsibility of being something more.

What is it? What is there to say? What is it that went wrong?

How could things just go from that to this to that again? I don’t understand how thing just ended up here?

Maybe it is because of the diatribes that I write that just ruffle the wrong feathers, but what about it? What is it that went wrong in this scenario of friendly conversation of just superficial talking for the sake of talking? What is it?

Questions with very little answers as I sway this and that way trying to figure out the solution in my head.

There are no solutions to come, because it is just one of those questions that are beyond my comprehension. It is a calculus story problem when I’m only in algebra II.

It’s difficult and I’m not going to pretend that I understand.

I guess in a way I see what happened, but I don’t understand why it resulted in the angered angriness that happened? I don’t understand.

I don’t understand and I guess it is something that I just won’t understand at all till my dying day.

I have come to a conclusion that I just need to calm the fuck down and just calm the fuck down for the sake of calming the fuck down. There is no need to do the things that I need to do, but this is my place to write to get my angered frustrations and to empty my brain. This is my place for me to see and those who are in the know.

My space.

My place.

But I guess it is not my place at all. Apparently. I don’t know what it is but I like to write uncensored with only my knowledge to guide me. Strangers read and see but they don’t really see and understand the haps and the mishaps that are happening.

In this day and age of the lonely traveler, a good outlet is all he needs and requires to just get things out in the air to clear things up and to just blah with the blahing best of them. To just get things off his chest and to just unwind and just be who he is.

If that’s a fucking ass or a dick or a bitch, then so be it.

It is my place to scream to the world, the empty void, the BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH of everything that is just happening.

Sure I got a hand in making things happen. Sure I got my hand stuck in the cookie jar, found and prosecuted at the things that I have done. But they were my choices to make and I base them on what I think is right.

Is it wrong of me to read words that were meant to be read? Is it wrong of me to be literate and curious? Is it wrong of me to feel a sense of elation at words that were in an off-the-cuff way directed toward me and people in the know? I am a part of the party and I am going to that party, not just to party, but to party.

What is it that people expect to read in these little rumblings of mine? What is it? A change? A pang of guilt? A difference of opinion? A sadness?

I spill things, my emotions, feelings, thoughts, dreams, opinions, all things me in this dear ol’ friend of mine; this therapy that makes me feel a little better each day, to help me deal with what shit I have to deal with in my life. This is my place, my blog, my life, my thoughts, my shrink, my salvation.

Mine.

I know that I don’t write pretty words. I know that things I write in here will rub people the wrong way. I know I will hurt people with the things I write in here, whether I meant it to hurt or not, it happens. Shit happens. Life happens.

I’m a fucking ass. Sure. Okay. Fine.

I succumb to that fact. I am a ass.

A pissed off asshole that just wanted to share his thoughts on forward movement and happiness. I guess it wasn’t my place to do it. I just like to know that things are getting better, things are looking brighter, things are just much better off. I like that, I would like to know that…and it does ease my mind to know that.

But I guess it was wrong of me to think about it. I guess it was wrong of me to put my feelings down for my small audience to read. I guess it was just a fucking asshole thing of me to do these things.

I’m a fucking ass. Fine.

Sigh.

Sighs upon sighs upon sighs. This has been my life lately. Just endless sighs and blahs to pass the time.

I guess this one will make me a even bigger evil ass, and this time, I’m doing it on purpose. I’m doing it because, I might as well.

Sigh.

Anger. Anger management.

I know I have anger issues. I know I get festered and frustrated on things I don’t understand.

I’m just not the most patient guy. I’m not the smartest guy. I’m not the most understanding guy.

I’m not anything.

If it needs be that I need to keep my finger shut on all things regarding my thoughts and my actions and all things about me, if that is the case, I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can censor myself on that front. I know it is healthy to help people along and that it is selfish of me to just go about my daily business of clearing my mind, my thoughts, spilling my brain out for all to see, but I can’t take all the blame and responsibility of everything.

I can’t. To be fair and honest…I just can’t.

I have to rethink things now. I have to rethink my actions, my approach on certain things. I just have to be hesitant and think things over and reevaluate everything. I just have to.

No one is ready. No one is ready for any of this. No one is ready for the future and everyone is just stuck, stepped in the dried molasses which sticks on you like superglue.

A forced stuckness of stale movement. There is nowhere to go, nowhere to be. Just nowhere.

There’s nothing in the future anymore.

I can’t see anything anymore. All is gone, for I am blind. It’s not even blank but a silvery misty haze of unexpectedness and foreign actions that aren’t mine.

It just seems that my life is out of my hands again. My choices, though I believe to be true, just makes things worse and worse. Just constant doubts when there shouldn’t be any doubts.

Just a ickiness of not wanting things to just whatever. Just nothing but that haze which I can’t see through…beyond my grasp and my comprehension.

I don’t’ know what to do. My heart that once beat with guilt just seems to given up on that and just beat for the sake of beating. Tired, frustrated, given up on all things; it has nothing else to do but to beat without rhyme or reason. It is beating only because it can and doesn’t care about anything anymore.

It has succumbed to being the bitch of life’s complications. It has become a bitch, a bitch that it knows that it doesn’t want to be, but it has to be because it can’t not be.

I’m a bitch. My heart’s a bitch. A bitch for pain.

Angry and tired. Frustrated and tired. Tired and tired.

What is it? What is there left to do? What do I need to do to make things better?

Sigh.

Tired. I’m just tired of everything. I’m just tired of everything and everything. Tired.

Why can’t things be easier? I know, I know, matters of the heart just complicate everything to the nth degree.

Sigh.

I never meant my words to hurt. I never meant to cause any tears, anger, frustration. I never meant to do anything malicious. Never did and never will. But I do understand people take things the way they take things, because it happens. But, genuinely, I never meant to cause any pain. It was just a declaration that I’m elated to see progress. Just a thought that I am glad things are better.

No more. No less.

Sigh.

There’s a change in the air. There’s something that is happening. There is something that just goes and goes. There is time ticking away.

Change.

It is happening. It is going. It is healthy.

There is a change and I am happy for it. I am happy to know that things aren’t stuck in the past and that there is forward movement.

Drifting away, in and out of your memories and soon I’ll be gone in the way that I should be gone. No more pining, no more hoping. I will be just me and you will be just you. There is a change and I am happy for it.

Stuck in the past. Stuck on me. Those are things that should not be the case and just focus on what is. What is here. What is now.

I am really glad to hear that you are moving on. I am really glad that you aren’t thinking about me anymore. I am just really glad, because I really did feel bad for what I’ve done and I’m not the type of person that anyone should ever put such investment in.

It was not my heart to hurt, but it was shattered by me and I am ridden with guilt. But….c’est la vie.

Moving on. Living life. Going out. Partying. Being with friends. All things that are good, all things that I wish for you to do, and it seems that you are. I hope that you are truly happy right now and things are getting better for you.

Eventually, maybe we’ll get in touch again. I know it is up to me to reach out, and hopefully one day, I’ll be able to; to reach out and not be a enemy, but a friend. Hopefully I’ll be able to do that.

* * *

On my mind, in my head, are just clouds and clouds of thoughts, regrets, happy things, and just life in general. All things that cloud my head that I dwell on because I’m just that type of person that dwells on everything and anything. From the minute to the expansive. Everything.

From life lessons learned, unlearned, to the hope and desires and the I don’t know of the future that is just moments away and yet so far away.

What is to come of me? What is there for me? What am I to do?

I tell myself constantly in this blog and in my life in general not to be stuck and just move on and live life and focus on the here and now. I have done that…for the most part, but there are times when my mind does wander to the past and evaluate things with the hindsight-twenty-twenty that we’re all so familiar with and just wonder….Did I make the right decisions?

I know it was just last week where I said that I live and die by my decisions. There are no regrets. There aren’t…well, not yet. Maybe there are regrets, but I’m just the type of person that knows that the decision is made, what’s done is done, and that I can’t go back in time to change it anymore. I can’t do anything; it’s out of my hands. I just have to live with the decisions I make and make peace with that choice.

It’s me, all me.

There are just so many distractions that are pounding away in my brain that I just find it hard to focus and just do anything that is worthwhile or anything that I need to do or have set my mind to do. I have reach this state of apathy and a general ennui of blahness that just lingers on and on until that moment of motivation that strikes me and I’ll do only a split second of work before the ickiness plagues my ambitions again.

But there are just sometimes where I power through, try to keep busy, and just sit down and punish myself and just do. Sit and do.

I punish myself in other ways.

Again, there was a recent change in the air and I told my friend about it. She asked if I was sad and I told her no. I’m not sad. Was I lying?

She said, “that’s awfully mature”

It is mature, but what other way is there to be about it but to be mature. What other way? It doesn’t make me sad to know that she’s moving on. Again, I’m glad, happy to know that she’s moving on and that she is able and strong enough, as I have known her potential to be, to pull herself back together.

Yes, it is mature. I have to be. I was the one that made the decision that led us to be where we are at today. I was the one that made things difficult and ended things. I was the one. I have to take the responsibility and own up to my actions and be mature about it. There is no reason for me to be sad about it. None. All I can do is to own up to it. There is no point in holding onto something that I made happen. I let things go and there is no point in latching on and wish that she would just not move on till the end of our lives.

That’s fucked up. It’s selfish to want that. I’m not that type of person. She’s moving on. It’s a joyous thing for her. There is nothing sad about it. I have to be mature. It was my choice.

But am I sad?

I’m not going to lie. There were days that I didn’t think about her as I found a new fixation or I was just so focused on the job at hand to think about her. But recently, as things slowed down, I’ve been thinking about her more and more. Maybe it is this change that brought about my fevered contemplation of all things us and what I did or maybe it is just around that time where it generally hits me and I just focus on it. I’m not sure, but I’ve been thinking about things more and more.

Looking back at all the times we spent together. Looking back at everything, the good, the bad, the good and the good. Everything.

It just makes me realize as much as I hate giving up my space, as much as I am such an individual, so independent, I do actually miss being in a relationship. I miss having my companion by my side to experience things with, even though they are small and insignificant daily mundane trivial things. I do miss it.

I miss having that person to hold. I miss having a sweaty palm mashed up with my palm. I miss the tender soft kisses. I just miss the acts of being in a relationship.

I see my shortcomings as a man. I see my shortcomings as a man who has very little experience in being in a relationship and don’t know the ins and outs of actually being in a relationship. I see that I did take things for granted and I do see that I’m a very strong person with very strong opinions of how things, how my life should be.

Lessons learned. Lessons unlearned.

Maybe it was my fault that things ended so badly. Maybe I should have been more communicative about everything. Would that have mattered? Would that have ended things on a brighter note? Would it have?

I don’t know. Things I do ponder nowadays from time to time. The dreaded what ifs…but again, things are all said and done. No going back. No turning back. Only forward moving, forward thinking.

Thinking ahead. Looking ahead.

This place I am at is a familiar place. This general blahness of ennui. Borderline.

What is to change? What is to happen? Why this dwelling?

It happened before as I just stated. The three month mark of just things happening when I just reach that sense of blahness and doubt the decisions I made. At that time, I was able to fix things and move on by focusing on something else. Family.

Will I have that to lean on now? Or will it be something different now? I don’t know. I just have to wait and see, wait and see.

It seems that is what I’ve been doing lately. Wait and see, wait and see.

* * *

Obsessing and stalking of all things. Hoping for the best on both fronts. Following up and seeing what they are up to on all fronts.

Things that I know I am doing and things that I know I need to stop and eventually well.

And mostly it is because with time, I will forget and make it easier for me to move on. With time, things change and I’ll be able to move on as the time of mourning is over.

I do admit on certain fronts, things are easier to laugh at now. I have made many decisions in my life and many that I do know are right, but I do doubt them.

I spoke to many about them and I hear different sides of the same coin. They all sound fair and makes sense to me but deep inside there is only that one side that I hear and feel comfortable with and I just punish myself and doubt myself about it.

It is natural as I am the over analyzer, thinking everything in and out and thinking about things through and through, spinning it around and evaluating things even more.

I don’t think I’ll ever change on that front for that is who I am. I am just that person; the introverted person that just over think things.

Do I ever do anything on impulse? It just seems that times I do and other times I don’t.

I think things through and through in my head for such a long time and when it comes time to act in a way it just seems so out of the blue, but at times, it just feels so methodical and planned out and deliberate.

What is to come of me and my future?

* * *

Maybe I just need to succumb to this illness that I am infected with. Maybe I should just embrace it. Maybe it is the reason why I’ve been such a sickly pickle this whole year. It has been the worst year health wise for me. Maybe the toxic fretting, dwelling, obsessing is just finally getting to me.

I should just stop. Stop it. Kill it.

What is it that I need?

I think I should just finally do what it is that I keep telling that friendly friend that is having her life sucked out by the symbiote that is within her. I should just stop dating or think about being in a relationship and just end up alone.

Of course she rolls her eyes, or I would assume so as she types it out, and says whatever. It’s a old tune that I sing, but never followed through.

Even the blazing red head that I hang out with time to time even says whatever as I scream my anthem of “I’m done, I’m done. No more dating”.

Maybe I should just be done and not think of it.

I do know that I like my space. I like my independence and to be on my own, not having to compromise on all things me. Maybe this is for the better. It’ll be easier.

Dash away my hopes and dreams and yearnings for a family of my own. My own family could or will understand. I do have a son, a furry son, but still my son none the less. IT will work out for me. It will.

To be single, to be me, who I am now for the long long term. I think it is possible. I think I will actually be happy with it. I think it will work…..

Maybe I’m just kidding myself…maybe I’m not. But I guess we will always have to wait and see. Wait and see.

Taking time away from that front. Just taking time and keeping to myself. Just keeping time and stop being playful. Keep to myself, turn inward and just focus on the things that I am known to focus on from time to time and that is my work. Just turn inward and become the boring person that I know I am.

Just turn inward.

Maybe I should just finally do it and not focus on the opposite gender. Just be on my own. I think it is for the best, right now.

So. Here, now, I do declare. I’m not looking. I will fight the urge to be in a relationship. I will end up alone as I self-deprecatingly do declare and joke. I will make that a fact….on certain conditions of course.

Conditions that if someone does come around; someone who strikes my fancy and is available, that I will and do try to make things work and take all the lessons that I have learned and be open-minded to learn more; be more flexible; and hopefully do make things work.

But other than that loophole, that condition, I just don’t need to focus on that, the relationship, and just focus on my writing, my work, my photography, my life, and living it to my desire.

Maybe all this time, it has been holding me back.

I’ve always put the romantic ideals of being in a the “perfect” relationship on a pedestal and I do know it doesn’t exist. I should just throw away any idealistic romantic notions of love, relationships, happily-ever-after and just focus on the dry solid reality of boring work work ambitious work.

I make that declaration quite frequently and I never stick to it. Hence the “whatever” from my friends, but I think I should stick to it so it won’t be empty words. I need to stick to it.

Strip it away from my consciousness and step on it. Away with stupid love and relationships. Mash it up to little tiny pieces and flush it down the toilet. Flush, spin around and around, gurgle. GONE.

Just focus on what is important right now. Just focus on the things that matter right now. Work. Work. Work.

All work and no play makes Phong a dull boy. I’m a dull boy already, so that makes no difference to me.

All work and no play makes Phong a successful boy. And success is what I want.

I am young and life is long. I have lots of time to play when I’m dead (I know, that doesn’t make sense, but go with it).

These foolish ideals has taken up a lot of my life and caused many sleepless, angered, sick nights. No more as I throw it out with the bathwater with future babies included. Gone.

A decision that I need to make and I am making it. Live and die by my decisions. Gone.

Maybe it is a bit overdramatic, which I do tend to be, but maybe it is something that I do need to do.

It is usually around the time when you least expect it, even when you aren’t searching when things actually happen. I’m not hoping for it, I’m not going to think about it, I’m just going to live it and see where this blank nondestined future has in store for me.