Hot. Heat. Temperature rising in the middle of the night, like it is the Gobi during mid-day.

Heat. Hot. Why is it happening where I can’t just close my eyes and wander listlessly into the dreamy flickers that I’m so familiar to? Why can’t I just continue my pursuit of salvation, not just for me, but my fellow friends and travelers? To rescue them from these dreaded faceless beings that haunts me in my dreams.

I’m always the wandering hero, figuring out their next move, using my expert kung fu skill to fend off some worthless piece of shit so everyone else who is not a worthless piece of shit can run for safety. Me, putting my life before others, the knight in shining armor that I am, chivalrous and gallant, a paladin in the days of yore.

But here I am no kung fu skills to speak of. No fighting skills to speak of. No muscles to speak of. Just typing skills to bring me into the middle of the night, hoping that this blared distraction is what I need to tire out this antsy brain of mine, to turn off the things and the thoughts that keep me up in this sauna night of the year.

Why is it happening to me? Sleepless because of guilt? Sleepless because of the wreaked emotions of a tigress?

Still. No more. No mas. There is nothing left, just a drained sense of self. No emotions to think of, moving along in a slow controlled movement because that is all that I can do with my programmed nature to make it seem like I’m alive.

But all in all, I am just a soulless zombie stumbling away through the day, putting on a strong face and a fake smile to make it seem that I’m okay.

I’m not okay. No okay at all. Betrayed and just plain hurt. I can’t go on living. How can I possibly go on living? How?

It just seems impossible. Such darkness surrounds me, no glimmer in sight, no light at the end of the tunnel. What greets me is the familiar, the dark cloud of night.

How can I possibly just live and move on?

But I must, for it is my life. But I must, for it isn’t everything. But I must, for I am stronger than this. Stronger than what he made me out to be.

I can be everything that he wanted me to be, everything and more; the fixed happy being that I have full potential to becoming. I’ll be that and leave him with a sense of guilt and a pang of “oh fuck me”, wanting to get me back.

But I’m done. I’m through. No more. No mas. He doesn’t deserve me in any way. Not anymore. Not after what he’s done to me. No more Gui Gui Ngoi Oh Neis or any sweet words that can change my heart. He is dead to me and my heart is slowly being pieced together by me and there’s one spot open for someone else. The one that can make me smile again, and he will come. He will be my paladin. He will be my gallant knight, and when he comes there will be no other.

Lost looking with my red dried opened eyes of the sleepless night looking at these symbols just put my life in perspective.

There is a bit of guilt in what I did, hurting her, but time and time again, I profess, it has to be done. Maybe they are just excuses and excuses, but it is all said and done.

I just have to sit here and deal and console my heart and tell myself that it is okay. It is okay. It is time to move on. I have to. She has to. We all have to. That goes life. It goes on, moving on, leaving things buried in the past.

Time. Tick. Tock.

Beats of the drum, matching my heart beats, bumping into the night. Moving with a time cadence that hypnotizes me in the rhythmic motions of everything that goes about me. I’m finding the beat that I never found before.

Scared. Frightened. What ifs of the night and the future that will always be there and just the constant doubting of the blank canvas that just stares at me, taunting me to put the first stroke.

What should I do? What should I say? The first act of desperate action that will propel me forward, jumping forward in the crevice that is not a crack but a valley gorge that is impossible to leap, but it must be done to move on from the dreaded sand pit that is slowly sucking me into oblivion.

The Heavenly Net that catches everyone else is not there to catch me. It is a leap of faith. A leap of sure footed-ness of my heart, hoping that everything will be all right, that all that come to pass was meant to be.

Life and time can only make us stronger. What doesn’t kill us only sets us up for more.

These mindless whispers of the dark, yacking in my ears is only comforting me so much before my mind and brain will explode from the max capacity of the small pea that is my brain.

Words flow in nonsensical ways, more so than it ever had and possibly will happen again in this sing-song night of not being able to rest.

Sleep. Slumber. The long sleep of night, the final sleep.

What is it that makes us always wake to face the day? To start again, knowing the possible pain that is out there for us? What is it?

Is it love, or the possibility of love?

Wo hen xiang ai ta but it will never happen. It will never happen because then it would be a fairy tale come true. For all of us.

I don’t know what it is, but the drumming of these fingers isn’t making me closer to sleep at all. These eye lids aren’t getting heavier as I planned, but staying the constant whateverness of this madness that is racking my brain.

I realize that I am in hell. This is hell. Life is hell, which I have realized before. This is life, purgatory. Here we wait and wait until the eternal sleep that we all will come to accept and look forward to.

Soon, soon it will be time to hear the Every I Love You’s that I have the fortunate pleasure of falling for. The sing song tune that hums softly in my ears day in and day out. Lyrics that i can only make out from time to time but the eerie addictiveness of these cantotunes that gets me hooked and only wish for more.

Withdrawal is a bitch. I’m sure it is much worse for some others than for me, but it still hurts none the less.

What is it? Why is it? I don’t know why it is happening to me. Punishment for moving on, for needing to? I don’t know what it is.

Putting on a strong face, going out with others, partying in the city of sin. Things are getting better are they not?

There I walk away, passing you by, hoping that things were different. I walk ahead, mumbling my salutations and I leave, fumbling ahead, looking ahead, stealing a glimpse only as I proceed to my destination in a roundabout way to just drop off a message of what I need to do. Nothing more. Nothing less. I didn’t even need to be there, not at all. But to just be there, stealing that glimpse makes my heart calm.

Fix. Fix. Fix.

I shoot myself up hoping it will take the edge off. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Just another addiction that I need to deal with. Just more shit that I got myself in.

Matters of the heart. Things that I don’t understand. Might as well just rip it out and stomp it to death so I wouldn’t have to deal with these things anymore.

Drowsy night in the summer time. Indian summer. Not summer at all, fall, school time.

Fucking heat. Fucking hot. Kill me now so I can at least get some shut eye. Forced or not. A listless peaceful sleep only to be woken by the soft beep beep of the electronic time keeper that I have near me.

Please.