It’s been a while, a long while since I’ve blogged and my dear readers, as you can see, there is something new to my blog. A whole new blog. A whole new URL.

I have finally managed to get my own website. Here now, I’m able to do things that I wasn’t able to do with LiveJournal. Here now, I can create pages, links, categories that will mark differences in the type of postings.

Here, hopefully, I can expand my site from my typical blogs to more. More fiction. Poems. Critical essays. Prose. Blogs. More.

Here, I feel like home. Here I feel like it is the right thing to do. Free to do whatever.

I need to ween myself away from the mind-numbling flickering images of bland broadcast tv to something more stimulating, to something I’m more passionate a bout. That is writing. Words. My drug of choice. My drug. I need my fix.

So, this, here I do declare is my first official blog on my new space.

* * *

Life has just been taking its course and days, weeks, months all blend together into this primordial pool of ticking and tocking. It’s hard to discern any specific day from another. Life is just passing me by as it should.

I have been so wrapped up in life that I forgot to even write my yearly diatribe, my yearly blog, about turning a new number. Well, if it is not too late, here it is….hopefully.

Let’s just say it. I’m 29. I am actually fucking 29 now.

I am a adult, but in some way, I never feel like I’m an adult. Just a lil’ big kid that has no responsibilities. Just a lil’ big kid that does what he needs to do.

But, in a way, slowly, things might not be this way anymore. In an earlier blog at the end of last year, I called it. 2008 is the year of tough decisions. That my dear readers will come later.

I’m 29, but I don’t feel any different than I did last year. I’m still the happy-go-lucky guy that just lives life the way he does. Just does his own thing and not care what other people say. The same guy who just wastes his life away without blinking an eye.

Maybe I am making a small effort now to change, to grow up, to just be….and maybe it’ll work out.

29. It’s just a number now. Just a symbol of how many years I’ve been alive, but it doesn’t symbolize anything important. Nothing at all.

It doesn’t symbolize all the self-indulgent shit I’ve gone through. It doesn’t symbolize all the losses I’ve gone through in my life; and thinking back, they still hurt in my small weak heart of mine. They still hurt.

But, I guess another reason why I haven’t been writing lately, besides having to work on my script work is that there really isn’t much to say about my life anymore. The optimism that was posted in the year-end diatribe is still here. The freedom I have is still here. A lot of the same thoughts and same aspects of my life is still here.

There’s not much change. Not much at all. As a matter of fact…let me just go back and reread what it is I posted….

…back, here again. With a new found refreshment of things I wrote in the past, ’cause my memory is going with my age.

Hopefully I can get back to the mindless fingertip tapping of letters to words that I’m use to….hopefully.

Tough decisions and uncertainty. That is the thing that I’ve noticed so far in the short time that I’ve turned 29.

It is my ultimate test in being a adult. To throw away the ideal, to throw away the romantic notion and face reality with clear eyes.

The biggest thing that happened in this year…which started prior to my number 29 is my dating. Relationship.

It started out with a bang. It started out as all romance should. Long late night phone calls. The giggling and the yearning to hear her voice again. To Wong Foo Thanks for Everyting, Julie Newmar.

But things has changed. As it developed, as it went on. Life happened. We do have our moments, we do have our times when I’m just gaga over Julie, but then there are moments where I just doubt the whole thing.

I guess it is like most wkw films, it is just a matter of bad timing. We just gone through a lot of shit that shouldn’t be happening so early in the relationship.

Then it came to now. Here and now. My doubts. My indecisions. My constant need for space. It just come to a quick slap in the face; a quick shattering epiphany as I realize my affections for her have been waning.

There are many factors that played into it. Many that I will not discuss, here and in this forum. But ultimately, I’m guessing it just has to do with me.

It is me. All me. It goes back to the root off my uber-ness hermit that I am. I’m just a hermit, who loves my space, my independence.

I just can’t imagine things being any different months, days from now. I will constantly need it and not be tied down by anyone. I’m a “free bird”, always looking to take flight. I can’t be tied down and caged. I just can’t. That’s what I feel in relationships; and it is not just here.

It is ultimately me being not ready to be in a relationship, to be tied down, to settle down. I have a wandering eye and I can’t do that to Julie.

I’m just not wired that way. I’m not wired to be in a relationship. There’s just too much shit that I can’t deal with. There’s just too much shit that I don’t want to deal with. There’s just too much.

Maybe I just have a feeling that I just finally got comfortable with who I am. I just finally fit my skin; I should just enjoy it. Enjoy it.

I don’t know what it is. It just seems I’m just rambling, looking for excuses to justify my actions. I’m not going to do that. It happened. It feels right, and I’m sticking to it.

This doesn’t mean that when I’m all done and ready to settle down, that she won’t be an option. It just means that she’s not an option now.

Maybe we can maintain our friendship…hopefully.

I don’t know. I don’t know.

Ha, maybe I just need drama in my life. Life is just going so well — drama free, relaxed, great — I just need something to shake things up.

So, besides that, all in all, life is good.

Tough decisions. This is a tough decision. I had to do it. I just had to. I have no choice because it is just unfair to Julie. Unfair. I can’t just lead her along, pull her along on a leash until I fix myself and figure out if I’m ready for this thing called a relationship. Looking at it, I’m really not. I’m really not ready to just see one person. I want to see other people. I want to try other things. I guess Hien has it right. He wants to do things, live life, explore, do the things he’s always wanted to do before he’s ready to settle down and find someone. Maybe that’s just me.

Being in a relationship is nice. Don’t get me wrong. The security of seeing someone that can make me laugh is great. The affection when I can get it is nice. But sometimes, I just feel like I need my space, being suffocated by this thing. I just want to go out and do my own thing with out anyone. I’m a hermit. A loner. Anit-social and ready to go. It’s just not me to be tied down.

I told a dear sweet ol’ cousin of mine that I’m not built to be in a relationship. She laughed it off and said that we all are. She has such nice words for me. But all in all, she says maybe I just haven’t found the right girl, the cheesey ol’ “the one”, that us romantics dream about. Maybe she’s right. Maybe Julie isn’t the one. Maybe there’s someone else out there that is for me….just maybe. I don’t know. But right now, I really don’t think there is. If she walked by in front of me, I wouldn’t even know. I’ll be too into my own shit to see it.

Who knows? I still have my life in front of me, and there are many twists and turns. Maybe I’ll be surprised one day. Maybe.

* * *

Dreams, hopes…dashed from this thing. Gone.

It just makes me think about my future. Will I ever be the husband, the father? I don’t know. It just seems like I’m my father, cold and distant. Being in a relationship shouldn’t be that, but it just feels that way. It feels more like a friendship than anything romantic. Again, it shouldn’t be that way, but it is.

Maybe I’m just not equipped for it. As it goes on, I take everything for granted and just let it fall apart, drifting apart, letting things go, not making an effort. I let things go.

I become the cold and distant person that I told myself that I will never be. But I guess that the apple doesn’t fall far from the proverbial apple tree.

I’m like my father. I am exactly like him. Maybe that’s too much of a bad thing. I don’t know.

* * *

It’s a lil’ funny but it makes sense how perspectives change as you grow up. Looking back to when I was a kid, it just seems that the grown-ups in my life then, my parents, teachers, family, they seem to be more “adult” than I am today.

Thinking back to when they were the same age as I am today, 29, they just seem to have a greater sense of being an adult.

It just baffles my mind as to why? I can’t seem to place it. What is so different about me now and them then? I don’t know.

Responsibilities? Maybe. They do have more responsibilities than I do have now. They have a family they need to take care. They have to work to support the family, make the big decisions of life that we all have to make. They have to take care of other things. They just seem more grown-up.

Even now, thinking back at them then, they just seem like they got things handled; a lot of things on their plate. I don’t know, it just makes me feel less than a adult.

I don’t know what I am. A big kid? I know I describe myself as that. In a way, I am. An adult? Really?

Just because I’m 29, doesn’t mean that I am. Honestly, I do think it is a matter of responsibility, things that one needs to take care of.

I have nothing. Not much responsibilites.

Grant it I’m a lot more grown up and got my shit more together than most of the people out there. I’m a fairly independent guy, taking care of my own shit, but does that really equate to being a responsible adult?

I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel like that, you know?

I have no kids to take care of..well besides Pickles. But he doesn’t really count. I have no kids. The only person I have to worry about is me. I work, and do the shit I need to do at work so I can make the money to pay my own bills, to put a roof over my head, to feed me. Sure, but it just doesn’t seem like that is the thing that makes me be an “adult”.

Sure, I have no ties to family when it comes to them supporting me. I don’t. The only thing is that my mom is paying for my cell phone bill, which I can pay for myself, which I want to pay for my own, but it is on a family plan that my mom is paying for.

But other than that, I am totally self sufficient.

I don’t know, I always have this idea that one becomes an adult when they have to live and think about someone else other than themselves. Obviously that is not me, for I only have myself. I have no one to take care of but me, and only me.

I don’t know, it just seems that I’m such irresponsible, not doing the things that I need to do…and that is mostly chores, cleaning the house, and being more on top of things, like being more proactive about my passions and my interests. Writing. Photography. Movies.

Sometimes I just feel like a big slacker, and slackers are more early twenties, out of college. I’m not that at all.

So, what am I?

Not an adult. A bachelor? hahahaha. I just don’t know.

Maybe there’s just so many generational differences since the good ol’ days of yore. We have your Gen-X, Gen-Y, MTV-Gen…and the list goes on. Times are a changing, and I guess I have gotten trapped in the tide swell and washed away with them. Who knows?

Maybe there’s just a lack of fulfillment in things period. Maybe. Who knows? Who knows indeed.

I think this will be the end to my first official blog on this thing. It didn’t go in the direction that I wanted to, but I’m not going to complain. Not at all.