It happened again, the could be end all be all of things between me and the great ol’ Selena Kyle. Fights of talking and space and miscommunication because of the lack of thinking in the heat of the whole mess.

I couldn’t think, I couldn’t think of a reason to tell her that it needs to be done or why I’m acting the way that I am acting. Whether she will understand, I don’t know. I really don’t know if she will or want to understand why I am the way I am.

Space. Loner. Hermitude. I love my space. I LOVE MY SPACE. I can’t stress that enough. And it is not because of Selena that I need it. Not her at all. I need it for me, my own sanity.

Psychologically, I’m sure I know why I have such a need of space. There is no compromise on this. I need my space. I don’t think that this will ever change. EVER. I love my space, my time, my alone time, to just be with myself, unwind, watch a movie or read, and not just deal with anyone. SPACE. MY SPACE. My own little sanctuary.

Growing up, at the age of 16, I have pretty much decided I wanted to be on my own. To do my own thing. Growing up, all I know is my family and not much more. Just family. My over protective parents and my brother and my grandparents. Family.

I love them, I do, but I’ve always wanted to be on my own. Being up there, with them, it just feels suffocating. I need someone to answer to, to let know what my plans are and to do things. With that, in the great ol’ double edge sword, I learned to be a hermit, and I learned, no YEARNED, no DESIRED, to be on my own. To make my own mistakes, to do my own thing. To succeed, to fail. On my own. My own thing.

I literally have to move away from them. 1,000 miles away. To have my own space. And it worked. It took a fucking long ass time and my father dying for me to grow up and get comfortable with myself and my skin. But overall, I got it. I got my independence. I get to do what I want to do without having to tell anyone or answer to anyone. I’m no longer suffocated. I get to sit home in my own little world and do my own thing of unwinding and relaxing.

What a life!

People will look at that and not understand. What kind of life is that? You are just letting you life pass you by, sitting at home and not doing anything. True, but it is my life. Not answering to anyone. Doing my thing. Doing what I want to do.

And overall, I have my space, my independence. My own being.

Selena, dear ol’ Selena, needs to understand that it is not about her. Not about her at all. It is all me and my psychological issues of wanting space. And ultimately, I don’t think that is going to change. I will always constantly need my space. I don’t think it is something that I can give up. No. I can’t.

I made my sacrifices. Growing up, being on my own for so long, from the sweet ol’ age of 22, I’ve had my own space. From the sweet ol’ age of 26 or 27, I’ve grown into who I am today, comfortable in my own skin. I have my found self of me…what many people have been searching their twenties or maybe their own life for.

That is the smart ass dick who constantly needs space.

To go from having all my weeknights alone to do what I want and my weekend days and nights to do what I want, living my life as I please, not answering to anyone….perfection…to being with someone 4-5 times a week, is a drastic change in my life. It is a drastic drastic compromise I have to live with, a decision that sometimes I regret, but I need to do to change. That’s ultimately, what I want to do, but again, it’s tough. It’s new. It’s scary, and sometimes it is SUFFOCATING. It isn’t because of Selena, no. It is because of my innate need to need space. All rooted in me growing up with my family.

That will never change. I need my space.

So when I see Selena’s stuff encroaching in my little sanctuary of home, it’s scary. It’s frightening. Change. Things are happening and I don’t know how I feel. I don’t mind the things of convenience but when it comes to clothes, that I don’t understand. There’s no purpose of it being there. It’s not a matter of convenience at all. It is something that is encroaching on my space.

Maybe she’s just marking her territory, or maybe to her, it is a matter of convenience to leave them there, but I don’t know. It’s scary. It’s frightening. It points to something that is serious, but it really isn’t. To her at least.

To me, in my mind, we aren’t just dating. We are actually going out. She’s my girlfriend. I even changed from saying “the girl I’m dating” to “my girlfriend”…because to me, that is what we are, and also because it is easier to say. But to her, she doesn’t see it that way. We are only dating, not exclusive, and are able to date other people.

I can never date anyone else, because it would require me to give up more time than I’m willing to give up, and also, I haven’t met anyone else that made me want to spend more time with. Almost all of my time I have been spending with Selena.

Again, ideally, I would love to have a relationship where we two are able to spend time together and that we both have a separate life outside the relationship. Maybe I do need to find someone that needs their own space too, to be able to do things on their own without the need for my company. That would be ideal and I know of only one relationship that is that way.

It seems that even Bradley and Rut-to-the-ledge have the same problems before. But eventually, they made a compromise.

I have compromised, but again, it just seems that I need more space. And honestly, looking ahead, I don’t know that if that will ever change in me. Not anytime soon.

I would just love to have my free time and just go to a movie on my own, to sit there and relax and just watch and not worry about entertaining anyone. I just want to be able to sit down and watch, analyze a movie, because they mean so much to me. Movies, films, are my life, my passion. It is something that I want to take part in making, and I watch to learn, not just to be entertained.

Sometimes I will rent movies to watch just because I want to learn from it, because it is similar to a movie that I am writing. So I need to watch it and learn from it when I can. Grant it, again, that I can make the compromise to invite Selena to watch, but other times, there are just movies that I need to see and waiting is not an option. I don’t know. I ‘m just stubborn.

I’m just stubborn to change, to give up my valued independence and space. Something that I sacrificed so much for. I lost so much because I needed this NEED for space.

I wasn’t there when my beloved grandmother passed away. I wasn’t there when my father passed away. Things I had to sacrifice, things that made me regret moving down here to find myself, to find my independence, to pursue my dream.

I gave up being with my family, my loving father and mother, to pursue this movie thing. Movies are important to me. They are a livelihood that I want to have.

So, watching these movies, needing my space, not having someone to answer to means that much to me because I gave up so much, and lost many that are near and dear to me because of this selfish need to get my own space.

All in all, it is not a matter of being with Selena or Selena herself that is causing this problems. I know for DAMN SURE if I was with someone else, this would happen. I will always feel suffocated and need my space.

It is just a matter of finding someone that understands that, a matter of finding someone that is willing to give that to me.

If not, then I’ll just be alone, with my space, and I’ll be okay with that.

I have to be.