There’s a change in the air. There’s a certain sinking feeling that I pretty much have to start making tough decisions in my life and I’m not sure if I’m ready to make them.

A large part of me feels, believes that I am truly ready to make these decisions. These decisions will help guide me in the right direction in my life. The direction of finally settling down and being the adult that I know I am destined to be. But am I truly not sure how I can handle these decisions.

These thoughts and choices are just clouding my head as my deadline approaches. Things are just so up in the air right now with my life that I’m not sure what I want.

I can’t count on anything to make my decisions but myself.

I think the thing is that I can’t really decide on which way to go. Life is so uncertain. Life is just so blank right now; I can’t see anything but what is right here, right now. The future is too clouded with “what ifs” that I can’t base anything on that. I just have to wait and see how things play out.

I don’t know, it just seems that there are quite a bit of signs that are leading me to think that a huge change is about to happen, or need to happen.

I don’t know how big of a change this is going to be, but it is going to be huge.

I just need to really decide on what I want. It just seems that I never know what I want until it is time for me to decide. I live and die by my decisions. No regrets. Live and die.

Change. Moving. Signs. It’s just everywhere. Everyone I know seems to be going through a huge change this year. It’s just weird. Really really weird.

I’m not going to say that I’m going back to my old ways of seeing signs and interpreting them the way I want to see them. I can’t. That’s just too arbitrary, but it does happen. It happens a lot. It’s just too much of a coincidence that this must happen. Just too much of a coincidence.

My life is going to change a lot this year. Tons. I can already feel it already. I’ll be losing friends because they’ll be moving away. I’ll be losing loved ones, because it just happens to be that way. Life is life. We lose things. It just happens and I can’t do anything about it. Nothing at all.

It happens.

Scott and Rutledge are moving back to South Carolina later in the year. I’m not sure when, but they are. I love them. They truly are great people and they are one of the biggest influences in my life to be who I am today. They were my outlet to be social. They helped me feel comfortable in socializing, which I never did before. They were a huge part of my growing process to love and accept myself.

It’s just going to be strange that eventually, we won’t be hanging out anymore. Whether I make that decision or not, eventually, we’ll never hang out again.

I knew for a while that Yen will eventually move back. She misses home and family. She’s the type of girl that likes to be around family. I don’t blame her. I just didn’t know when she’s going to move back. Even now, I don’t know when she’s moving back. I’ve been telling her to do it for a while, but with her grandmother’s death, I thought she would be going back sooner. She hasn’t made up her mind yet on when, but she knows for sure that she is most definitely moving back. She’s just not ready to do it yet. I don’t blame her. It’s too new, too fresh. She needs to take her time on this. She can’t rush on this decision. She has to wait, get a clear head, think it through and then make that decision when she’s ready to. She can’t force herself to make this decision. It comes naturally.

Change. It’s coming hard and it’s coming fast. Am I ready?

I don’t know.

A friend of mine just recently broke up with her boyfriend, who came from the Pacific Northwest. They’ve been together for about the past two years or so. They just broke up because they are just too different. They want to do and like different things, and things just weren’t working out.

He doesn’t like it here in LA. There’s a chance that he’ll move back to the Pacific Northwest. But, I don’t know if it is going to happen. I don’t know at all.

It just seems a lot of my social outlets have been changing. They are moving away, doing their own thing, changing their lives. And in a way, I’m just being left behind. I really don’t mind since I really do move at my own pace. Slow and comfortable.

Jun is having another baby. She seems excited. Her life is coming together, slowly but surely, it’s coming together. She’s getting the job that she wanted and working on another degree that will get her better things. Her life is coming together. She and David are thinking of buying a house. I’m guessing they are going to move out to Rancho Cucamonga. It’s the really the only place that is affordable, but fucker is far far away. It’s not like I hang out with her at all, but this will most definitely mean that we won’t hang out ever again.

I’m too good for the IE, the Inland Empire. It’s just not for me. Nothing is really out there. Nothing at all.

Changes. It’s happening. I can see it happening, and I’m doing what I always do. Sitting and waiting, taking in everything before I can make an informed decision. I have to evaluate all the different choices that I have and how it may or may not impact my life. Lots of things are just bouncing in my head and I can’t come to a conclusion. I just can’t. I have to detach myself a little bit more and look at the whole picture.

Lots of changes and people leaving. It’s frightening. What am I to do?

Cat is leaving. She is, so she says, so she thinks. She just doesn’t know where she wants to go. Seattle. Colorado. Guam. My decision needs to come separate from hers. I can’t weigh my choices on her choices. I can’t count on her, I can’t count on that. That would be a brash thing to do, a brash choice to make, basing everything on her. She has her own life to live and I can’t make that choice for her and I can’t base my choice on hers. I just can’t. Wherever she decides to move to, good for her.

I have two options and those are the ones that I need to focus on. Those are the ones that I need to think about and separate it from her.

For a long time, this thought was always in the back of my mind. It never never seriously thought about it. It just wasn’t for me. I always knew that home will always be there, for me to fall back on if the “shit hits the fan” so to speak for me down here. I never seriously thought of it as a option for me.

I just know that when my time comes for me to move back, I will do that. I just never knew when. It was only a fall back option for me. I never seriously entertained the thought of doing it. It just doesn’t happen, but it did.

I guess it was Thanksgiving with the bonding with my mom that made me rethink the whole thing. Cat’s decision or thought of moving to Seattle may have played a part, but it really didn’t. Being home for Christmas really did open my eyes and allow me to see what can actually happen. It feels good. Really good to be back home.

I just don’t know if it will or can happen. When? I just don’t know.

There are a lot of things to think about and consider. Tons upon tons.

I have to think of my family and what they think. I know my mom always wanted me to move back. It’s her wish for me to move back. Seems like every time I see her, she’ll bring it up.

I don’t know what Hien thinks or feels about me moving back. I’m not sure if he likes the idea or not. Maybe he likes it up there, on his own, doing his own thing. Maybe I’ll cramp his style. I don’t know what he thinks. But, I can’t consider his feelings or others. I have to only think of myself and come to that conclusion on my own. I have to do my own thing. I can’t count on anyone else. I just can’t.

But I know for sure, change is in the air and it is going to come. I just don’t know how it will play out. I just don’t know. And it is the not knowing that frightens me but excites me at the same time.

2008 will be the year of big decisions and the year I grow up and be an adult and make adult decisions and begin my life as an adult.

Tons of choices to make. Serious choices that affects a lot of people. My decisions here and now will affect a lot of people in the future and I can only hope that it is the right decision. If it is not, then c’est la vie, I’ll have to deal with it.

Life.

What a fucked up thing.