Why is it that you make me feel this way? What is it about you that I can’t quit?

I’ve only been around you for only a matter of seconds but it seems like I’ve been with you for an eternity. Just one sip and I’m gone, gone, gone; drunk into oblivion without a care.

Every time I caress you, hold you, and put you to my lips, I quiver at the excitement that you will bring. Excited and blood rushing. Thinking about it now, I quiver at the thought of when I can get another taste of you. Thinking about you now, I quiver at the thought of the euphoria that you bring me. I am bewitched by your intoxicating essence. I can’t quit you.

You are so multifaceted that I can’t imagine coming close to figuring you out. Are you sweet as a plum or bitter as a lemon? The hoppy taste of wheat or the smooth tangy grape juice that I love. What are you going to be today, tonight, tomorrow and forever? Who will you be?

I’ll be riding high without a care. Dancing into the euphoria of bitter sweetness that makes me warm and giggly. Buzzing with enlightenment. There’s just so much of you, I can’t consume you all, but it is just that one sip, that one taste that makes my heart pitter patter for more.

I’m weak for you.

Your soft wetness that touch my lips, teasing me with the effects that I only feel when I’m around you.

Oh, to be drunk, oh to be buzzing. It’s the best feeling in the world. It’s like a brand new me. You make me feel new, different, strong, and bold. You make me throw away my insecurities, my faults, and allow me to be the best person that I know that I can be. Oh, it is only you that can treat me like this. You treat me so good, so well. I am yours, yours, yours. My liquid courage.

Caressing your bottle or rubbing the stem of your glass, I tease, I touch, just waiting for the time when I can take a sip again. I take it slow, making sure I take you all in, making sure I taste every last bit of you, till the last drop. I do not rush it, do not force it, because I want you to last forever.

With all the joy you bring me, how can I ever have my doubts of you? But, reality soon sets in and I hesitate and rethink you for all that you are.

The doubts rush my head, making me rethink all the reasons why I shouldn’t.

The pain the morning after, if the high ever goes away. The wrenching headache and muggy thoughts and slow thinking. I move like a zombie, constantly in pain. It’s one of the worse things I’ve ever felt; up there right alongside heartache. The wretched thing that is the hangover.

Porcelain hugging over the bowl heaving up all that was consumed, all of you, and things that weren’t you at all. The yellowish-green bile that sits in my stomach that shouldn’t be coming up at all, burning my throat all the way up, leaving that nasty burning acidic taste in my mouth that can’t be washed out no matter how much mouthwash I use.

With too much of you, memories fade to black as things get lost. I lose precious memories of precious moments of my high time in my brand new self because of you. I don’t remember who I became under your influence, I don’t remember what I’ve done under your care. I can’t risk me always forgetting who I am and who I can be. I just can’t. I can’t risk you forever changing me into someone that I know will ultimately be my downfall.

Loss of control, doing things that I normally would not do if I’m not around you. Saying things that I would later regret. Being free without any restraint. There are many pluses to these things, but I’m not sure if they outweigh the negatives at all.

My doubts of being able to have you forever and forever because I don’t think that I can do that forever if you always treat me badly.

I guess I just need to find the balance, enjoy the good and not worry about the bad. Maybe I just need just a little bit of you instead of the glutton consumption that I normally do. I just need to learn to ration just enough of you to make me feel the euphoria that you make me feel without the pain afterwards.

Can I do it? ‘Cause right now, I love every moment that I have with you, but you will always bring me pain, doubt, headaches, and unclear thoughts.

What shall I do? What do I do?

I guess I’ll just have to go along with you, and your constant teasing, you making me the way I am, because I can’t quit you. Hopefully I’ll manage to live with the pain, or maybe I’ll be able to step back and ration enough of you to live with a healthy balance. But if it comes time for me to quit you, I will.

It will be painful and heart breaking because you make me feel things I haven’t felt before, I haven’t felt in a long long time. It will be difficult, gut wrenching to let that go. It will be worse than any pain that you cause me now and forever if I keep you up. But it is better to feel the worst pain ever in one single moment, one single second then to feel a life time of excruciating pain.

I’ll have to make that choice. I’ll have to see how we are. I’ll have to see how we balance out. I’ll have to see. It is only in time that it can happen, and I hope that I can make the right choice and do the right thing. I can only hope and that’s the best that I can do.