Lost in thought, sitting in the nearly empty boba shop, I put my fingers through its dexterity test again. It has been a while since I’ve written and blogged for the sake of mindless blogging. A free write of jumbled words thrown together hoping that everything comes together like sticky rice.

I sit and wait no more as I become more proactive in the way that things are supposed to be done. I am no longer a passive participant in this little game in life. I am no longer riding the bench; now starting for the first time in my life.

I am a little shell shocked, making rookie mistakes, but I am playing. That’s all that matters.

There is no audience to watch me play this game. I don’t need one. I am the only audience I need.

I know my mistakes, I know my triumphs. No one else needs to know my dirty little secrets.

Life is just amazing as I truly get to see what it is all about. I am able to stare things in the face, break it down and realize, it’s not so scary after all.

The ginormous billion-piece puzzle is not so daunting after you look at each piece closely and see how they all fit together. This piece goes with this, and that with that. Simple.

Break it down. Nothing to fear, but fear itself.

Life isn’t worth living if there isn’t a little fear in it. The fear of failure, the fear of the impossible. Just fear.

You finally get a sense of confidence as you tackle this fear. You know what you are facing and you take action. Living and dying by the choices that you make.

Slowly but surely.

Choice.

The whole world is ruled by them. How can anyone live without the given right of choose?

I wouldn’t know what I would do if I don’t have that right to choose. Make my choices. Good or bad. They are mine to make and no one can tell me otherwise.

I’d made some bad choices in my life and choices that I still don’t know if they are good and bad. But I just have to deal with these consequences.

They made me who I am today.

I’m just sad that it took me so long to realize everything. I’m just sad that it took me so long to actually be able to live life the way that I want to live it.

Peace.

Oh, the ultimate dream. Peace. Everyone’s dream.

Will there ever be peace? Who knows.

Maybe my philosophies are a little too Eastern to matter in such a Western world, but peace should come from within. There should be peace within oneself. If you find inner peace and just not want unnecessary things, wouldn’t life, wouldn’t the world be a better place?

No one will want things that they don’t ‘have. They won’t be envious of others and just live life happy without envy. There will be no wars, no hatred, because people will find a peace within themselves and accept everyone the way they are. Peace.

Such an idealist.

I am a man full of ideals. Maybe it is the romantic in me, but it gives me hope to believe that there is a possibility in the impossible.

I tell everyone that I’m a cynic. I am. I tell everyone that I’m a realist. I am. Everyone sees me as a pessimist.

I do agree that it use to be the case, but I think I’ve become comfortable in being a realist. I am a realist.

I understand that shit happens in life. I see it. I understand that with this shit, there comes great magic and beauty in life. Miracles if you will. There will always be a balance of the two, even though it seems that we are all surrounded by the shit. That’s what draws our attention. We see the shit, so we can gripe about it, giving us reason not to gripe about our crappy life.

We never ever stop and enjoy the beauty that surrounds us.

The beautiful girls that walk down the street. The beauty in my dog, who still loves me even though I feel that I neglect him.

There’s beauty everywhere.

Small. We are small and insignificant in this little world. We are.

The world is bigger than us. It will be here long after we are gone. And there’s so much beauty in the world. Natural and artificial.

Standing at the top of the world; standing at the top of Yosemite Falls, looking out at the valley below. My eyes moisten as tears develop. It’s just sheer beauty.

I came to the realization that my problems are minor, for I am small. They are insignificant. There are bigger things out there and I don’t mean anything. I am just a small part of nature, a small part of this world, and things shouldn’t be so big.

Beauty. It’s a fascinating thing. A fantabulous thing.

Life is a fascinating thing. Being able to live life without actually living life.

Life is a constant. You will always be living it.

But, choose to live it the way you want to live it. Don’t let anyone tell you how to live it. Only you, your choices, your actions can dictate how your life is.

You.

You are the only one. Don’t let anyone take that from you. Don’t. Why would you give up the fundamental thing that makes you you? Your choices.

Friends tell me that I’m wasting my life away, living the life that I’m living.

Anitsocial, alienated, hermit. I don’t go out and party. I don’t do anything but stay home, watch movies & television, reading, and writing. That’s what a majority of my life comprises of. It’s my life. I choose to live this way because that’s what I’m comfortable with.

I don’t want to go out to a noisy bar and drink with people I don’t want to hang out with because they are unhappy with their life and need the company to bitch about it.

I don’t need that.

I go out when I want. I do things when I want. My own terms.

If there’s a party, let me know what kind it is and I’ll decide if I want to be there. Leave it open for me to choose. Don’t FORCE me to do it, ’cause most likely, I’ll just not do it out of spite.

Rambling rambling on on in a language that I don’t understand. Looking at the words that may or may not be the translation of what these foreign phonics mean. Painted characters acting out scenes that were drawn specifically for them. They come to life by putting a voice to their thoughts and contemplations. Expressing the choices that they want to make.

It’s so easy. Even these cartoon figures have their own choices that they need to do.

Cleaning up in their Sailor Moon school girl outfits, which seem like the opening shower scene of Carrie leaves a girl crying in tears. But there aren’t any naked girls, blood, and relentless chanting of “plug it up. plug it up.“.

The world can be so cruel. Kids can be so mean. Bullies with nowhere to go.

Melting like butter. Thawing like ice. Soon there would be nothing there that resembles what it actually was. It’ll just be a pool of its former self. Nothing but liquid.

All is gone, a new form, a different form. Each form has their pros and cons, but it’s a matter of what form fits you best.

What fits you best?

Nothing makes sense for nothing should make sense. Meaning comes and goes, comes and goes, comes and goes when it is time for it to come and go. They change with the day, the weather, the seasons, with each second, each minute, hour, etc.
* * *

Back to normal. Back to life. Back to reality.

I just finished my script this past Monday. It’s done, finished. It sucks.

I’m taking a month off from script writing so I can go back and read it with fresher eyes. I’ll take my red pen to it and cut it up, write notes. What worked? What didn’t? Then I’ll start writing again, with a blank canvas. Slowly chopping away, putting brush stroke upon brushstroke to make it better.

It was the shortest feature script that I’ve written. Given its length, I’m surprise that it took me so long. But I do have to admit, that it was the fastest script I’ve written in a long time. Six months. Just six months.

I’ve thrown the script to the gauntlet to let it get ripped apart. I wait for the notes to incorporate into my own shredding.

Again, it is going to be a page one rewrite.

I don’t know what I need to change. I don’t know how I’m going to change it. I don’t know if I’ll ever finish doing a rewrite of it. But, it is something I must do.

I have other ideas swarming in my mind. I have other projects that I want to get to, but I need to think it out first. I don’t know how to approach the new ideas. I don’t know how to flesh it out. I have to have a clear mind, a clear conscience to be able to work on it.

Things are cloudy right now. Things are a misty mess. I can’t figure out how to start. What are the stories? Where will I take it?

I can’t figure it out.

A life, a generation that I barely know anything about. All I have are snippets of stories here and there.
* * *

A lot has been weighing on my mind lately.

Tons.

This new found confidence that is in me and my actions that I’ve taken because of it.

Living this new found life that I never knew I was capable of it.

My future. The blank canvas that is awaiting the brush stroke that sets the tone and direction to where I’m going.

What is going to happen in the coming year? I don’t know.

There are so many decisions that I need to make. So many choices that I have to man up and make. Do or die. Good or bad.

I don’t know what is going to happen, but I do know that things will happen in the coming year. Things have to happen.

There will be a lot of change coming in the upcoming year. Some change that I know I may not be happy about, and some change that I’ll be comfortable with.

There’s a lot of things that are just bouncing back and forth in the not so empty space that is my head.

The blank future scares me, but fascinates me at the same time. I’m interested to see where I’m going to go in life. I’m interested to see what the next turn takes me. Nothing is ever clear. Nothing is. All I can do is just go along with the ride and be okay with it.

I have to live the life that I’ve been living, taking everything that comes my way for what it is and make decisions when the time comes and hope against hope that it is the right decision.

I have a tough decision coming up soon. In the next three or four months and it will be one that will change my life forever more.

It will be the start of a new beginning.

Am I ready for this new beginning? A part of me isn’t. A part of me doesn’t want for this change to happen, but there’s a great possibility that it might.

What will happen? Gosh, I can’t imagine. All I know is that it will be a shock to almost everyone. It will cause grief to some and happiness to others and a big “huh?” to everyone.

It’ll be one of the toughest decisions I’ve made in my life so far. It’s somewhere right under not moving back after my father passed away.

It’s big.

I don’t know. This choice has always been in the back of my mind, but I never ever thought I would act on it unless there is a good reason to.

But it gotten stronger since my mom came down to visit me and since then, I can’t shake it. I can’t. No, all I can do is just wait and see what cards I’m dealt in the next couple of months and figure out what to play.

It’s going to be tough, but at least I’ll have months and months to think about the decision.
* * *

I’m sure I wrote a post about this before, but again, I don’t know what is wrong with my blog writing lately. It feels very rusty. I can’t jump into it with the usual flare that I use to have. Maybe I just don’t have that rambling stream-of-consciousness talent anymore.

It just seems that now I can only write straight, to the point, like how my blog typically started. But the thing is, I really don’t have much to write about anymore.

Life is just happening and life is just life. It’s boring, but I love every single fucking damn minute of this life that I’m living. I have nothing to write about.

Maybe I can write about dating, since I’m starting that back up…but it’s going poorly. Maybe I’ll write about that next. Ha!

That’s a maybe.

But, now since I’m done with my script, taking a month off, I have more time to blog. My time here at Volcano will be blogging time.

Maybe I can do another diatribe on all things Twins. Apparently they have a new album out and there are like 15 versuibs of it. That won’t work for me. I need to find a place to download it.

Maybe. I think I’ll just end things here today. Just today and reread some of my earlier posts, to help me get ready for my yearly reflection piece that I’m surely going to write when I’m up in Washington at a Starbucks somewhere.

I’ll see how that will go.