Why is it ever so difficult to know what another person is thinking? Why is it particularly difficult if that other person happens to be a girl and you wonder if that person is interested in you or not?
She’s talking to you, showing interest or so it seems she is, but you can never tell. Is she talking to you because she’s just that nice, or is there something else?
Did she want something from you or is she actually interested in you? I can never tell. I don’t think many men can tell.
I’m no genius. Let’s just get that out of the way already. I’m not. I’m pretty dumb actually, especially about girls.
I can never read the signs. They are too subtle for me. They always fly over my head.
A girl can be dropping hints that she’s interested in me and wants me to ask her out and I’ll be clueless. Why do these girls insist on playing these types of games? Don’t they realize that we aren’t that smart in reading them? C’mon, give us guys a break.
If we talk and we banter, is that interest or is that just banter? If you touch me on the shoulder or make any physical contact, is it because you are nice, or are you saying, “hey, I made contact, it’s okay for you to touch me now”. I could never tell.
I’ll talk and flirt and bicker and all that great stuff. It seems that we are getting along just dandy, but I will never jump to the conclusion that the girl is interested in me, ’cause I just don’t know.
Girls are just weird. They are a mystery….and I’m not a smart man.
See, us guys, guys like me, we need total blunt trauma to realize that something is happening. If you are interested in me, don’t play around, come out and say it. Knock me upside the head with a frying pan and put a sign in front of my face as I come to that reads: “Hey Dork, I’m interested in you. Ask me out.”
And even then, I would have to think twice. Not because you just knocked me out; no, but because I will surely be having a concussion and I can’t believe everything I read.
Us guys are a helpless bunch. Just DUMB.
So, again, give us a break. Throw us a bone. I’m not good a reading between the lines, especially an analytical guy like me. I will over think everything, taking up so much time that you think I’m not interested because I haven’t responded yet. It’s not that I’m not interested. Surely I am, not unless you can tell that I’m not interested. No, it’s just that I have no idea that you are showing me interest.
Like, do you always remember the drinks of your regulars? Large Jasmine Green Tea, no boba. Week in and week out I would go there and order that. There are days where you see me and you know. You would have it ready before I even get to the counter. There are days where you will charge me less than what the regular price is. Why these favors for me when I’m not asking for them.
Are you just being efficient, because that’s who you are or are you trying to tell me something? I can never tell.
I talk with guys and they tell me that she’s interested. I talk with girls and I get a mixed bag. She may be interested…no, she’s just doing her job…no, she’s just efficient. Now, what is it?
Why can’t you all just come out and say it? You girls have to know that us men are dumb right? We aren’t bright when it comes to these types of things; especially when you are as green as I am in all things girls.
I can never read you. You girls are in relationships, yet it seems that you are talking with me, having fun with me, flirting with me, showing interest in me. Why? You girls are with someone. See, this plays with my head. I think too much.
This makes me think that you girls are just friendly people who are very playful. Nothing more. You girls are not interested in me. You girls are just nice. Why would you show interest in a third party when you are already seeing someone? It just doesn’t make sense to me…so I just think that you girls are just nice sweet girls and I leave it at that.
I’d seen you twice before and really talked only once. That first day we’ve met. We talked about nothing important as I walked you to your car with your new fax machine. Nothing important, nothing mind-blowing. It was barely a get to know you thing; just small talk really.
I see you again a few weeks back, the first time since our first time. You spot me and I spot you. We smiled and said our “hi’s” as I walk by. Our eyes connect in that brief moment as we pass, yet I could still feel your eyes on me as I head in. Or was that my imagination?
A week later, I see you again. I notice you and you notice me. We greeted each other with our smiles and our “hi’s”, but then you did something unexpected; something that made me scratch my head and say “huh?”.
As you walk by, you gently put your hand on my shoulder and said that you’ll be there next time. Where did that come from? I didn’t ask you to touch me and I didn’t think that we’ve reach that level of friendship yet.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love being touched, especially by pretty girls, but that was just unexpected. Even now, as I type this recollection, I cannot figure out what it means.
I asked around and two girls say that maybe you want a toy on the side. Is that true? You are seeing someone right? How can you want a toy on the side? Just unbelievable.
I guess I’m just too naive to understand the inner working minds of women. They are just unreadable and incomprehensible. Mysteries.
I just have to see what happens when we meet again on Monday.
Again, can’t we all just keep things simple, and just tell me if you are interested in me.
Fuck all this signs shit. I’m sure I missed every single sign that was passed my way. I stare it directly in the face and acknowledge it as what the facade is and am none the wiser of its true intention.
I’m a lost cause, a hopeless hopeless.
* * *
Looking back it’s been a little over 10 years ago that I’ve graduated from High School. A few classmates have organized the 10 year reunion back up in Tacoma. It is on Friday, September 28th. And I won’t be going.
There’s a part of me that wants to go and there’s a bigger part that doesn’t. Why? I hardly keep in touch with any of these friends, through college or even now. At the moment, I only keep in touch with one and that is sporadic at best.
I remember a few years ago it was decided that I would meet two of my friends that I kept in touch with at the 10 year reunion. Things fizzle with one of the friends and again, I only keep in touch with the other sporadically.
Sure, there’s a part of me that wouldn’t mind going back and catching up and seeing how everyone is doing and all that bullshit. Another part would like them to see how much I’ve changed since high school. I’m not that alienated antisocial quiet nerd anymore.
I’m less alienated and somewhat antisocial now. You get me on a comfortable and a good day, you wouldn’t be able to get me to stop rambling. I’m much more of a smart ass and I actually feel comfortable in my skin. I’m a changed man since my high school days, a different person.
But, why would I even bother. I don’t know those people. I never knew them well in high school and why would I even be interested in getting to know them now. I’m sure there might be a few “strangers” that I would click with and what not, but I don’t know, I feel so ambivalent about the whole thing.
I probably would have gone back if I didn’t make plans already.
I’m going to China in October and that is pretty much all my vacation time. I’m sure it will be fun, but I’m not the type of person that mingles with a bunch of “strangers” talking about old times in high school that I never had with them, reminiscing on things that I never took part in.
Maybe I’ll feel awkward. I always hated that feeling; always being that odd man out of a conversation because the whole conversation revolves about something I know nothing about or have interest in. I would much rather be home alone then be out and about and be alone.
It’s just funny. Maybe I’m just making excuses of not being there, of not wanting to be there. I don’t know. It’s just another high school event that I’ll miss. I’ve missed many already, why not another one. Hey, there will always be my 20th.
It’s just weird looking at all my old schoolmates’ profiles on myspace. I’m trying to match faces to names and vice versa. Looking at the profiles I see people I knew and hung out with and total strangers that I don’t even recognize.
I didn’t know my class was so big, but then again I was in the honors track. It was the same 60-70 students all the time. So my circle was small.
Looking at them now, many are married and with children. They’ve all grown up and settled down and I don’t know, I feel like the odd man out again. Single and just being.
They have families and I’m all alone. I’m not wallowing in self pity, it’s just I can’t even imagine being married at the moment.
It’s funny, during that time, in high school, I’ve always wished that I would marry and have kids and have a nice family; the American dream. Now, I can’t see myself getting married, even though I do want kids. My how things changed? It’s just funny.
Maybe if my life in high school was different than what actually transpired I would probably made a effort in going back.
High school was a depressing, wretched, lonely, and horrendous experience for me. It was just bad, starting with Sophomore year. Junior year was the beginning of my manic years and Senior year was the worst.
My moods would usually be gloomy and wallow-y for months and months on end. Only one day out of weeks would I just feel “normal”.
Ha, I came a long way. A very long way.
* * *
A few weeks ago an old friend of mine that I had a falling out with emailed me and asked if I was going to go to the reunion. It was a simple email; just the question. And I replied simply: no.
I was surprised that she emailed me. Very surprised. I haven’t spoken or had any contact with her since that day we had the falling out.
I was so angry at what transpired between us. Very angry. I couldn’t believe it actually. But, it happened and there’s no taking it back.
As time passed, I realized that I didn’t care anymore that we drifted apart. I had no desire to get in touch with her, none at all. Sure from time to time she’ll pop back in my head but it all leads back to what happened and I just let it be.
There’s a big part of me that just doesn’t care that our long friendship since middle school just ended like that. None at all. Even now, I have no desire to talk to her or try to rekindle things. What’s the point?
If we were such good friends, we wouldn’t have had that falling out in the first place. I guess we weren’t that good of friends.
I’m not saying that I didn’t do anything wrong and I’m not going to say that she did everything wrong. We both made mistakes that night, but I do have to say that my intentions weren’t even close to what she accused me of doing.
I couldn’t believe it. Not at all.
I think the thing for me, the thing that really got under my skin, besides the accusations was that it didn’t seem like she was going to tell me that she was having problems with me or with what I did. I had to force it out of her. She was giving me the cold shoulder, the icy silence.
I sent her an email and then she finally talked to me. If we were friends, she should have just come out and say it, but again, it’s in the past and that’s it.
I don’t think I’ve ever written about the matter in public. There maybe one or two private entries in here about the matter, but that’s it.
It was just another event in my life that I lived through.
Do I regret it? I don’t know. Again, thinking about it, it got to a point where I didn’t care that I lost an old friend. Not one bit.
Of course after my answer, she never replied. I don’t expect her to.
I guess she’s just wondering if I was going, so maybe she can decide if she wants to go or not. Maybe she just doesn’t want to bump into me and have it be all awkward. I could understand.
Maybe she just wants to start over, try things over again. I don’t know. I honestly don’t. If that’s the case, she could have always emailed me. ‘Cause I know I’m not going to email her. I’m too stubborn to and I think she knows that too.
I wonder from time to time if she still reads this journal and if so, what would she think of me now and what I just wrote about her? But I highly doubt that she’s keeping tabs on me.
Mumblings of a Hermit 隐者 