Look for the dream that keeps coming back. It is your destiny oh said the little fortune cookie I had with my dinner last night. It’s just the funniest thing.

As you all know from my earlier post, I have a particular dream that keeps recurring and it is about the fair lady Kate. Now, it is just too ridiculous to believe that she is my destiny, so I’m not even going to think about that. It’s over, she’s gone and out of my life, not that she was ever in it.

The dream that keeps recurring, I don’t know what it is. Just because I wrote about my flickering mind movies of Kate recurring, doesn’t mean that those are the dreams that keep recurring that the fortune cookie is referring about. No, not at all. It is something else…or it could just be the general theme of those dreams.

Direction. I know where I’m going; I know what I’m doing. I belong. I’m just doing my own thing. I’ve been having these dreams concurrent with my dreams of Kate (which haven’t happened in a good week now). That seems to be a strong theme in my dreams of late.

I remember when I was younger, in high school and in college; I would have all these dreams where I’m just wandering aimlessly around places. I would always be lost or I lost something and I’m just trying to find what it is that I was trying to find or that I’ll be chased by bad guys. I wouldn’t ever interact with any people unless it is to ask for directions or anything. That was when I was younger, and boy, were those dreams quite fitting of my life back then. Directionless, lost, miserable and alone.

Now, things are different. There seems to be no rush in my dreams. I have directions, I’m doing what I’m doing and I don’t care. Whether it was hanging with family or going somewhere and exploring. I have purpose. I have a feeling that I belong and that I know what I’m doing. That is my life…in my dreams. I’m not lost anymore. I have a place in my dreams, as I have a place in my life here. It’s just funny how literal dreams can be. I’m always going off alone, doing something, that I’m supposed to be doing and I’m having fun with it. I don’t care that I’m alone, because there will always be people that I interact with…family and friends. I have a place.

Maybe that is my destiny. I’m off alone just living life and doing things. I’m going places and exploring. I’m just doing my own thing and not caring what other people think. I’m not lost, I’m exploring. I’m not afraid anymore. Life.

That is my destiny. To live life and living the life in my own terms and not others.

It’s been a long journey that I’ve taken to get where I am today. A really long one. It really does seem that I have found my place in my life. I have found a certain peace. Now, again, life isn’t perfect and full of roses. It’s far from that, but it’s light years from where I was in the lost days.

My destiny. Il destino.

Now if you want to think that the actual “recurring” dreams of Kate are my true destiny, then it has to be something else. I don’t think we can take that literally. I believe it has to do with me finding a partner…finding that particular girl in my life that makes me feel alive, that pushes me, that I feel comfortable with where I never felt comfortable before.

That’s one thing I had with Kate…I never was secure with myself to talk with her. She always intimidated me and for the life of me I never understood why. Maybe it’s because she’s just very attractive and just out of my league. Who knows? But, it seems, according to my dreams, I’m comfortable with her, just flirting, just being.

If my destiny has to be the recurring dreams of Kate, then that is what it is. It’s about time that I meet someone.

* * *

Not to scare anyone, maybe I’m just being paranoid, but I’ve been having these chest pains recently. They are small dull pains in my chest, my heart. I don’t know what it is. I know it’s been a while since I’ve gone for a checkup; since right after my dad’s passing that I’ve gone. It’s been a little over four years that I went for a checkup. And now, I’m having chest pains.

I’m most definitely sure that I am fine. I’m sure that these chest pains are just indigestion or heart burn. IT IS NOTHING SERIOUS.

I have gone to the doctor to get my physical and get my blood work. I will get my results in a couple of weeks. I’m sure it will be fine.

I’m just worried that my cholesterol is high. I’ve been eating my usual one meal a day for the most party, but they have been mostly healthy, but again, I do love my fried chicken.

But, maybe it is the heart pain (whether I’m still mourning my dad’s passing or it’s actually physical pain or I’m just having emotional problems subconsciously), I have decided to start exercising.

Starting July 1st is when I will change. I will strive to eat more healthily, which means more snacks throughout the day; more fruits and vegetables; and more exercise.

I’m going to buy a small weight set to help me tone my body. I’m going to start running again and hopefully stick to it. I’m going to do more pushups and crunches. I’m going to be healthy. I’m going to change my body, my health.

Again, maybe it is the heart pain that is making me do this. Again, maybe the pain is due to some physical heart problem or some mental heart problem. I’m doing this.

It’s been pretty much a year since I broke up with Sheilah. If it is not on this day, then it is in the next two or three days that I did break up with Sheilah. It’s been a year. A year since my first and last real relationship. I’m not counting Star, because that wasn’t a relationship.

But, it’s been a year. I told myself and Sheilah that after her, I’m done. I’m done looking. I’m done with relationships, and I guess for the most part I am. I think my dreams of me being on my own, being comfortable with it and me doing my own thing is proof of that.

But I told myself that I was going to take the year off after Sheilah and the year is over. I guess this is another reason why I’m making these changes. I’m growing my hair out because I do look better with longer hair and I was bored with my buzz cut. I’m going to start watching my health. I’m going to be more responsible with my life. It is time for me to focus and get my life back in shape again, not just my body, but my life.

I’ve noticed that as I got older, my slacking on my responsibilities. I’m not studying when I should. I’m not cleaning when I should. I’m not taking care of myself when I should. It is time. I just hope I stick with it.

* * *

There’s still that large part of me that is feeling antisocial. A large part, but again, maybe with my life changing I’m making an effort to go out more. I’m making an effort to put myself out there.

I am going out tomorrow for dinner with a coworker and then poker. Saturday I’m going to go to dinner with my cousin, Yen.

Yen and I are going to go speed dating in Santa Monica in the next few weeks. I never went speed dating before. Sure there’s a part of me that would find it fun and interesting and there’s a part of me that is nervous, but I don’t know, there’s just a large part of me that just doesn’t care.

There’s a large part of me that wants to be myself during the speed dating, to be myself. This translates to being an ass. Maybe it will work. Maybe I’ll find my future wife there (I highly doubt it), but maybe it will work. All in all, I think it will be fun and it will be an experience.

My life is picking up speed from here on out. It was stuck in first gear for a while as I learned the ropes, getting my feet wet. Now, I’m on my own, comfortable and bored with that pace and know that for me to get anywhere, I need to step on the gas.

Let’s see how fast this baby can go.