Be still! My beating heart
Keep the steady pace that drives you
There are no strings that pull you to and fro
Wings clipped to little useless stubs
You will flutter no more like the butterflies in my stomach
You are just the muscle that drives my existence
Steady as a drum, keeping the rhythm
No one there that will make you flutter
No one. So, do as I say, Be Still!

* * *

There is nothing like going on without anyone in your life. There is nothing like going on being on your own, being comfortable with the loneliness that is you, nothing wrong with having your best friend and only friend be you for the most part. Nothing wrong at all.

Here I sit in this little new café that is now my preferred writing spot on my free weekend mornings to write down my thoughts, my new adventures, or my new visions. I come out here just sit with my headphones on as the tv blares and the two employees sit and mutter their own little Chinese that I barely understand. I have no problem with this.

Again, I have come to the conclusion that I am not built to be in a relationship. Not now atleast. My friends pinned me right. I’m just too selfish. But I guess that comes with me being alone for so long. It’s hard to think of anyone else. I love my free time. I love being the lazy butt that just sits and lays on his futon watching television. Whether it is a show I’ve seen before or a movie that I’ve watched over 20+ times. I have no problem with that. It’s my life. I could go hours if not days not saying a word to anyone, or interacting with anyone. I don’t mind. I am just a solitary being that it doesn’t phase me anymore.

Friends would ask during our normal catch up since the last time we’ve seen how things are going in my life, and I honestly tell them that things are going GOOD. Because they are. The conversation would eventually lead up to the girls in my life and if there any prospects. Of course there isn’t. Like I told Luis, I don’t put myself out there to meet any of them. I don’t go out and socialize. As he puts it, I don’t have to go out and work at it, but just join a club or go out and do something that might help me meet new people.

I know I know, eventually I will get there where I will be able to do that. But, like I told him, I’m done. I’m finished. It’s over. I’m too selfish; I’m too into myself to think of another person. I can’t make the compromise with that significant other. I know it is a matter of meeting that right girl that I would want to make that commitment to and hopefully then I would be able to make that compromise. But I know for sure, at this moment in my life. I’m not. I can’t imagine myself doing that. Darn being a solitary figure.

So I am crawling back into my cave, my comfort zone. I am going into the woods and locking myself out there in my own little shack, shunning people and civilization. I need to be with myself again, mind and body, so I can regain my focus on what it is that I need to do. Perfect my skills, my hobbies, and myself.

I am perfect as anyone can be. I am perfect in the sense that I am comfortable in my own skin and I know myself inside and out. My flaws don’t haunt me anymore, as I look at them as character building aspects of my life. I’m stubborn, I know, but that makes me strong with conviction. I’m hard to bend, strong is my thoughts and personality. I am the ass that would say anything that would get a laugh, no matter how incorrect it maybe or how offensive. That’s me. Bring on the critics and the judgmental eyes. I don’t care. This is who I am and I’ve welcomed him in this world for a couple of years now.

Maybe it’s my world weariness or maybe it’s just because I’m older, but it seems that I’ve been giving a lot of advice to my younger cousins. Whether it was Ly or Michael, and now with Kent, especially during their high school days; but I don’t know what it is that makes them come to me for the advice. My advice is sound and it is right, but maybe I’m bias because I’m giving it. I am world weary, looking at it with cynical eyes, seeing all the gears and pulleys that make the world spin. I understand the mechanisms that make life go on.

I don’t know why I am like this. Maybe it was in high school where I was so depressed that I couldn’t escape it. Maybe it is that I’ve overcome my demons, finally and am ready to just go on with life, living it a day at a time. I don’t know. I just know that I’m living it, even though many do say I haven’t really lived.

What is the definition of living? Trying out new things to see what you do and do not like? Going out and gaining new experiences? I’ve gone out, I’ve tried new things, and I know what it is that I like or don’t like.

The only thing that I don’t know is what I want when it comes to my social life. Whether it is that I want to be alone or in a relationship? I really don’t know what it is that I want. A large part of me wouldn’t mind being in that dream relationship, but again, that is only a dream. Another part of me doesn’t think I can give up this loner lifestyle that I’ve grown so accustomed to. Who knows what my future holds? Who knows.

A blank white open canvas. Perfect pristine, unflecked with any marks. BLANK. Blank indeed.