I’ve been wanting to write for a while. Thoughts just hang in my head wanting to get an out, but I never cave into the desire to put them into words. I just think about putting them into words, but never act on it. I think tonight might be the night when it comes to fruition and take part in my little blog.

May has come and almost gone. It just crept up on me like most everything else. Out of surprise. The day came and went and I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t even remember the day until a week or so later. I remember it like a passing thought. In and out of my head and nothing more. I never acted on it, not during that time. But, eventually my heart has a mind of it’s own.

About two weeks ago, I got really moody. I couldn’t pinpoint where that particular mood was coming from. All I know was that I’m moody. Everyone at work could tell that I’m not all there, stuck in my angst. The look on my face tells it all. I get easily frustrated and annoyed. It has finally happen. It was that time of year. I took it hard, not depressed as in last year, but just an anger filled week or two as I silently mourn my father’s passing.

Again, the day came and went. I paid it no thought, but maybe when I remember I just subconsciously mourn and get in the funky funk that I’m known to getting into.

I’m not going to lie and say that I’m over his death. That is not the case, and I don’t think it would be the case for quite a long time. He’s still there in my heart and my thoughts. I still tear up time to time when some thoughts of him creep up in my mind. I can’t help it. I miss my dad. I sorely do.

Once I figured out what was making me grumpy, the anger and the “depression” went away. It just subsided. I finally accepted that it was that, a little episode of mourning. I had every right to it. After recognition, it was gone. Lifted. I was back to my playful self, and even my coworkers notice the change. I guess I’m just not that complicated after all.

So, as May comes and goes, so does another year that my father isn’t with me anymore. I do wonder when will I actually get through a May without any problems. I still remember last May, I was with Sheilah and I broke down in front of her about it. May 2005, I had a fit with Isela. I guess I could count on getting moody around that time of the year. It’s the most logical explanation why I’m moody.

* * *

Maybe it is because it is around the time of my father’s death that I’m not feeling really social lately. Maybe I just need the time by myself to silent mourn and go through my yearly ritual of depression. I wrote in this blog just a few weeks ago about me wanting to be a hermit again. It could all be that. I don’t know what the reason really is on why I’m feeling this way. I do love the idea of being alone; being the total loner that I am, but is that really the explanation? I don’t know. Let’s just say it is and leave it at that.

* * *

Mind movies of the night. I’ve been having a recurring one lately. I still can’t figure out why I’m having this particular dream, or have this particular subject come up repeatedly. I think I had these “similar” dreams about three or four times now. They all involve an old friend of mine from my Roxbury days, Kate. I haven’t seen her since the end of October of last year, when I was still playing basketball with her. And even before then, I don’t think we were ever “close” to use that term.

I mean, we don’t keep in touch and we rarely talk while playing basketball. There were times of small talk and catching up, but nothing serious. Other than that, she seemed more like an acquaintance rather than the friend that I made at Roxbury.

But my flickering mind movies were about her. Again, there were a series of them, and they would be simple scenarios. We would meet up for whatever reason; waiting in line at the grocery store, running into each other on the streets, etc…and the weirdest thing is that we would flirt with each other. I would hold her and she would flirt back. There was a particular dream that we kissed and boy did I actually feel the kiss. She was actually surprised that I was a good kisser. In the dream of course…not that we kissed in real life.

Again, I haven’t seen her since last October and I hardly think about her. I mean once in a blue moon she would pop in my head as I go through my myspace page and see her as my friend, but other than that, out-of-sight out-of-mind. But she would continuously pop up in my dreams, in those particular situations.

I couldn’t make head or tails out of it. Dreams are very subjective; open to interpretation, and yet, I couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t figure out how it applied to my life now. I thought and thought about it and no cigar. It couldn’t be that I met someone, because I haven’t. If it is something to do with relationships and intimacy, I couldn’t understand why it would be her because we never shared those. Sheilah would have made a better subject. So, call me baffled.

Along with the first of these recurring dreams of Kate, there was another one that followed. I knew I should have jotted these down, but I totally flaked. It was about Kimster. I don’t remember the exact details, but I believe it went a little like this. She called me up out of the blue and we were chatting and I was being charming. I don’t know whether it was I who made the suggestion that we should get together or if it was her, but we both agreed that we should get together. I, of course asked her if she was serious and she said she was. That was that. That was the dream. There was another dream in this about another girl, whom I forgot, but it was similar theme, me hitting on them and it going well. Strange. Strange indeed.

To this day, I don’t know what these dreams mean. I have my theories, but I really don’t understand what they mean. To me, I see these girls as very attractive girls. Girls I wouldn’t mind to getting to know more. One would think, or I thought that they were out of my league. Well at least with Kate I did, especially when I knew her during Roxbury. So that might have something to do with it. Maybe it is telling me that I have the confidence to find a girl that I thought was out of my league. All in all, these dreams demonstrated that I got the confidence to have them say yes, or flirt with me. Maybe it was my subconscious telling me that. Who knows? Maybe I am ready to go out and socialize and find someone. I really can’t say.

It also could mean that I’m really lonely and really horny and that I need some attention and some relationship goodies. Who knows?

Another theory is that I miss flirting. I’m not flirting with anyone now. No one at all. Before I had Isela, and then I had Star and Sheilah to play my little games. Then there was Dalia there for a bit, out of desperation or maybe because she was there, but then there is no one. No one at all. And one thing I know about my relationship with Kate, especially during our Roxbury days was that we would flirt and flirt and flirt. Maybe I just miss flirting. I miss the chase and that I need to go out there and find someone to chase. I don’t know what it is, but it seems likely that that is the case. Who honestly knows what my subconscious is trying to tell me. I for one have no idea. None at all.

* * *

I thought that this blog would have been what I wanted to write here tonight, but I don’t know, but for some reason it turned out differently than how I planned. I honestly don’t know what it is with me lately and me writing in this journal. There are other things on my mind, but I think I’ll wait until another time to get them down. Maybe something new would come up in the dream front….maybe something will come up in the real life front. Maybe.

Be still! My beating heart
Keep the steady pace that drives you
There are no strings that pull you to and fro
Wings clipped to little useless stubs
You will flutter no more like the butterflies in my stomach
You are just the muscle that drives my existence
Steady as a drum, keeping the rhythm
No one there that will make you flutter
No one. So, do as I say, Be Still!

* * *

There is nothing like going on without anyone in your life. There is nothing like going on being on your own, being comfortable with the loneliness that is you, nothing wrong with having your best friend and only friend be you for the most part. Nothing wrong at all.

Here I sit in this little new café that is now my preferred writing spot on my free weekend mornings to write down my thoughts, my new adventures, or my new visions. I come out here just sit with my headphones on as the tv blares and the two employees sit and mutter their own little Chinese that I barely understand. I have no problem with this.

Again, I have come to the conclusion that I am not built to be in a relationship. Not now atleast. My friends pinned me right. I’m just too selfish. But I guess that comes with me being alone for so long. It’s hard to think of anyone else. I love my free time. I love being the lazy butt that just sits and lays on his futon watching television. Whether it is a show I’ve seen before or a movie that I’ve watched over 20+ times. I have no problem with that. It’s my life. I could go hours if not days not saying a word to anyone, or interacting with anyone. I don’t mind. I am just a solitary being that it doesn’t phase me anymore.

Friends would ask during our normal catch up since the last time we’ve seen how things are going in my life, and I honestly tell them that things are going GOOD. Because they are. The conversation would eventually lead up to the girls in my life and if there any prospects. Of course there isn’t. Like I told Luis, I don’t put myself out there to meet any of them. I don’t go out and socialize. As he puts it, I don’t have to go out and work at it, but just join a club or go out and do something that might help me meet new people.

I know I know, eventually I will get there where I will be able to do that. But, like I told him, I’m done. I’m finished. It’s over. I’m too selfish; I’m too into myself to think of another person. I can’t make the compromise with that significant other. I know it is a matter of meeting that right girl that I would want to make that commitment to and hopefully then I would be able to make that compromise. But I know for sure, at this moment in my life. I’m not. I can’t imagine myself doing that. Darn being a solitary figure.

So I am crawling back into my cave, my comfort zone. I am going into the woods and locking myself out there in my own little shack, shunning people and civilization. I need to be with myself again, mind and body, so I can regain my focus on what it is that I need to do. Perfect my skills, my hobbies, and myself.

I am perfect as anyone can be. I am perfect in the sense that I am comfortable in my own skin and I know myself inside and out. My flaws don’t haunt me anymore, as I look at them as character building aspects of my life. I’m stubborn, I know, but that makes me strong with conviction. I’m hard to bend, strong is my thoughts and personality. I am the ass that would say anything that would get a laugh, no matter how incorrect it maybe or how offensive. That’s me. Bring on the critics and the judgmental eyes. I don’t care. This is who I am and I’ve welcomed him in this world for a couple of years now.

Maybe it’s my world weariness or maybe it’s just because I’m older, but it seems that I’ve been giving a lot of advice to my younger cousins. Whether it was Ly or Michael, and now with Kent, especially during their high school days; but I don’t know what it is that makes them come to me for the advice. My advice is sound and it is right, but maybe I’m bias because I’m giving it. I am world weary, looking at it with cynical eyes, seeing all the gears and pulleys that make the world spin. I understand the mechanisms that make life go on.

I don’t know why I am like this. Maybe it was in high school where I was so depressed that I couldn’t escape it. Maybe it is that I’ve overcome my demons, finally and am ready to just go on with life, living it a day at a time. I don’t know. I just know that I’m living it, even though many do say I haven’t really lived.

What is the definition of living? Trying out new things to see what you do and do not like? Going out and gaining new experiences? I’ve gone out, I’ve tried new things, and I know what it is that I like or don’t like.

The only thing that I don’t know is what I want when it comes to my social life. Whether it is that I want to be alone or in a relationship? I really don’t know what it is that I want. A large part of me wouldn’t mind being in that dream relationship, but again, that is only a dream. Another part of me doesn’t think I can give up this loner lifestyle that I’ve grown so accustomed to. Who knows what my future holds? Who knows.

A blank white open canvas. Perfect pristine, unflecked with any marks. BLANK. Blank indeed.