It’s been a year and 4 days since I’ve turned 27 and it never ceases to amaze me how I continually grow and change and refine myself into the person I am today. It just absolutely amazes me. I’m forevery 27, forever 27, forever 27. Okay, I’m 28. I’m fucking 28-years-old.

Looking at things, looking at this blog, it just seems that I haven’t been putting the effort or the time in this blog any more. Maybe it’s just because I don’t have much to complain about any more, or that I don’t have much things about me to fix, or I’m just really busy, or lazy. I don’t know, but I haven’t been putting as much time in it as I did before and I would like to start contributing to it again. So, it’s been a while and it might take me a while to get into the flow of things like I usually do.

My 27th year has brought on many small changes in me. One of the biggest change in me is that I have gotten much more confident in myself. There is this confidence in me that came out of nowhere. I never thought I am capable of it. I guess that is something that comes with age; a huge thing that comes with age. The shitter is that I don’t even know when it crept up on me.

Another thing that kind of came out of nowhere is this innate sense of optimism. No matter what I think can happen to me; losing my job, being in an accident, etc..etc.. I just have this feeling that everything will turn out fine and dandy. Now this little new found trait is the one that scares me the most. Confidence comes and goes depending on the situation, but optimism is something that you either have or don’t.

I’m sure that there are certain things in one’s life that brings upon this sense of optimism, but for the life of me, I just can’t pinpoint what it is. Before, when I was younger, much much younger, I was the pessimist. The world is a shitty place to live and all life is unfair; it is picking on poor little ol’ me. Everything that happens is always for a negative reason. Then, in the past couple of years, as I’ve gotten older and more comfortable with myself, I accepted that life is shit; that life is unfair, and it has nothing to do with me. It just is. I became the realist. Bad things happen along with good things. Things just happen. Good. Bad. Sure I tend to weigh more on the negative side, but I do appreciate the positive. Life. Balanced.

Now, there’s still the realist in me. I don’t think it will ever leave me. Now, instead of weighing more on the negative side of things, I’m leaning more towards the positive, optimistic side of the spectrum. Weird indeed.

….I have lost my train of thought as my bladder kept pushing for me to go. I’m just going to write and see where things take me.

For the past couple of months I have been stressed and busy with work and other things in my life. Work sucks. It just fucking blows with the server issues and me spending so much time there that it’s just not funny any more. I’m so tired of it, but now that we have the new server up, hopefully things will be more manageable. Hopefully things will be better.

School. I have started classes this year in February. It is going all right. I’ve been lazy and haven’t been doing my reading like I’m suppose to. I’m bad. I’m lazy, but I will get to it and eventually, hopefully get certified.

Condo search. It is going. I’m not in a rush. I have put a bid on a place, but I just haven’t heard back. It is in Monterrey Hills, near South Pasadena. It is a lovely neighborhood. Nice and quiet. It’s out of my price range, but I’m sure I’ll find a way to manage.

Writing. Here is the big accomplishment of my 27th year. This is one of the biggest accomplishment of my life to date. I have finished my first script in a little under three years. And I do have to admit, it isn’t a bad one. It’s actually quite good. For this one, I’m actually proud. Scott even said, even if I don’t win the screenwriting contest, I should be proud of what I’ve written, because it’s good.

I could actually see it. I see how things come together, and most importantly, I see how much I’ve matured as a writer.

I think for the most part why I like this script best, or that I had a more invested interest in writing this script is because it is very personal, especially to me. There is an aspect of it that just hits me close. There is an aspect of it that was a big part of my life and that is the bond between Siu Lai and Patrick. I miss my grandmother. I think about her all the time. I miss her. I really do.

Now, I’m not saying that this script is perfect. It has its flaws, but I do like it a lot. The script has changed and changed throughout the years and even the last couple of months with me finishing it and then rewriting it.

So, I have been busy. Really busy.

There’s a part of me that has fallen back into my hermitude. A large part of it has to do with how busy I’ve been lately, but there’s a large part that has to do with a desire to not go out and do things. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to go out and socialize. Maybe it was that drunken night of vomit, but I don’t know. I just don’t need it anymore.

On the social front, nothing is happening. I guess it is hard for something to happen when I’m not going out and meeting new people. I’m done as I so proclaim. I’m done with relationships. They just aren’t for me.

Being back home, here in the lovely and beautiful state of Washington, and knowing I’ll be seeing family again, I couldn’t sleep this morning. Sure I know a part of it has to do with the air matress I’m sleeping on, but a part of it is the fact that I’ll be seeing family again and knowing that they’ll ask me what has been going on in my life and how I’ve been doing.

Sure, for the most part, they all seem to be good things, well, at least this year, but there’s a part of me that can’t stop thinking about what Kent told me a few weeks back. He called me lame. He said I was lame. I found it amusing. It made me smile.

To him, I am lame because I am in my late twenties, now 28, single with no prospects in sight; living with my dog in my one bedroom apartment. I am lame because of that. He tells me to look at my cousins Menty and Phinney. They are around my age, or when they were my age, they were in serious relationships if not married. Now they each have a house, kids, good job, the American dream. I am nowhere close to achieving that. I should be like them. Because I am not, I am lame.

For the life of me, I don’t understand why, but I find it funny and even amusing to see how he thinks. He asked me where do I see myself when I’m 35, 40, and I told him I don’t know. I don’t think that far ahead anymore. He says I should.

Again, amusing. I don’t know what it is, maybe it is because he’s young, naive, and innocent that he just doesn’t know any better, but I don’t know. I ask him where does he see himself in say 4 or 5 years, and his answers were like mine when I was his age. There is this idealistic innocence in his answers that I miss in myself.

I told him that I don’t think that far ahead anymore and I told him that he shouldn’t either. Life is too long to just plan ahead because you have no control over your life. It just happens. You can’t plan things out and have it go accordingly. Never happens.

If that was the case, I would have found my soul mate in college and now I would be married with children and being the successful pediatrician that I so wanted.

I’m not. I’m just a single, jaded cynic living his life a day at a time. Just going with the flow of life and doing things that I feel necessary to continue my life. I don’t try to plan things out anymore. Again, like I said in my yearly year-end reflection, I’m starting to live in the present.

But damn, to be that young and that innocent again. A part of me would love to be there again, but there’s also a part of me that wouldn’t mind being who I am now and being back in highschool. I would probably have a different experience. I may actually like it. Maybe not.

No, I think my life is really good now. Great if not fantabulous. I am single, doing my own thing, focusing on my writing, relaxing at home, and taking care of my dog. I go out when I want, hang out with friends that I want, and do things that I want. I’m a selfish motherfucker. What can I say?

….I just find it hard to write in this blog. I don’t know why. I’ve lost it. So I guess this is a good place