Take two.

The gray clouds wisp through darkening this bright summer day so it matches the mood that I’m feeling. Dark and gray, in a horrible place. A cave filled with thoughts emoting nothing but the despair that I feel.

How did this ever come about? How did this ever happen?

Days go by in the sunland of So-Cal like they were the Days of Heaven, leading to the perfect Garden that only myths are made of. Things fall in line to the perfection of existence before the contents of Pandora’s Box were spilled into this world; the perfection ruined by the single act of consumption and sin brought forth by the talking snake. The bite; the fall; the loss of innocence; the world that we know.

Things were going so well, but then things started to change. Feelings started to wane as perfection coasted. Things were just just as life progresses. The chase was over as we both stopped playing tag and rested together. Coasting with nothing between us but the empty void of gray concrete.

The game stopped and life took over as we took our turns reaching out and grasping for the attention that we both need. For the most part, we reach out and grab what was intended, but other times, things just miss, grasping at empty air.

Life gets in the way. Personalities just clash, and pure selfishness just bulldoze everything over.

Me. It’s all about me. Things have to go my way, as I only want what I want and never compromise and kowtow to others. I just strictly do not participate if it ever gets that way, and it seems it is my way or no way.

A uneven seesaw as I sit high on my high horse looking down at the peons taking care of me. I thought I was a great ruler but I’m only a selfish king destine to fall.

What ever happened?

The difference of time between may have been a bigger reason as to the ending that was. I’m on a different path, going to different places, looking at and for different things. I live my life grounded by my hermitude, looking for nothing out of the ordinary; comfortable in the life that I lived before; my life in the shell.

Once in a blue moon I will brave the surroundings and leave my dwelling to feel the touch of people, to feel that I am alive, but then I realize something, as I get too involved in these ventures. I realize why I left society in the first place. I can’t deal with people. I can’t deal because they are not like me.

They push and pull, wanting me to change whereas I am content with who I am.

There are many things about me that need to change. I will not argue that, but these are things that I am fine with being. These flaws make me who I am; this fractured soul; only I can be content with these shards. To others, these pieces cut and they cut deeply, leaving them scarred and never to heal. I am not for everyone. I am not for every soul; just for those who understand the damage that I call myself.

I constantly look for things that strike my attention; always getting bored with things that I’m familiar with; looking for some new distraction. Once it is a new routine and the novelty is gone, my mind wanders and I fall astray, leading only to disaster.

Cold and distant. Far and wintry. I am everything because that is how I was taught to be. Not to blame anyone but me, but that was how I was taught to love.

I realize something as I’ve gotten older. I’m not the nice person that everyone thinks I am. I am the jaded, cynical, bitter man tired of his weary life. I am the jaded soul tired of the company that he so madly desires. A living contradiction lost in a nightmare searching for a dream.

I am that sweet onion that loses its layers leaving only the distasteful bitter hot heart that pumps nothing by cynicism.

It’s not the environment that changed me to who I am today, but it is I who’s changed from that sweet soul that was born a little over 27 years ago. Through life we lose our innocence and naïveté. We lose the life that we were born with only to become what we grew up to be; a product of our environment and our teachings and our life experiences.

Over a quarter of a century I’ve experienced. I’ve overcome my quarter life crises and have fallen and finally found who I am; comfortable with the asshole that I’ve become. I’m not an easy pill to swallow, but I am medicine for those who are still naive to know that I’m not really good for them or for the masochists who know I’m bad from the start.

Almost 30. My life priorities are so different than those who haven’t even passed a quarter century. Looking ahead, I have to think about my security. Responsibility. My family taught me that. I need to save up to secure a future, live life comfortably and enjoy myself while doing it.

………….to be continued.