I never thought that it would happen. I never thought that it was possible. I am at a place where I never thought that I would be.

Life has come full circle, from the wide-eyed innocence, to pure anger, bitterness, hatred, and back to the naive nature that I once had.

What happened? Where did it come from? What changed?

Looking back at the not so distant memories, I can’t come up with an answer. Everything seem so far way, so out of reach. What happened yesterday feels like it happened before my lifetime. I can’t put a time or a place to a memory like that.

The only thing that matters is what is happening now and the major wishes that I want of my life. They are so far ahead, so out of reach that I believe it is impossible to reach, but the thought of achieving it still lingers in my mind.

Back into the old habit, out writing and finger tapping that I once done so many times before. My hand is rusty; my fingers atrophied and are deadwood. Stiff.

They don’t type with the same dexterity that I once had. It comes with old age I guess. All muscles lose a little something without being used. I haven’t used my fingers in a while.

I work and work at it, slowly, like a paraplegic training to get his legs back. It is their life to get their legs back as it is my life to get my fingers to work…but my mind freezes with its lost thoughts.

Searching for words never came so difficult. Searching for words usually came easy with tasks like these. I would write whatever that comes to mind and usually it’ll have a place in what I’m writing.

But now it seems like a puzzle of a million pieces. Each word and punctuation fit specifically where they need to fit. But the only thing that I don’t know is that there are a few pieces missing.

Lost in thought in the middle-of-the-night, I sit here in this strange place in this strange land surrounded by strange people alone. I sit here alone, like I’m so use to, but I feel like I fit in here. I am a nameless soul in this impersonal franchise.

Where did all of these things come from? Busy weekends of entertaining the other. Walking around hand in hand with a little PDA to boot; it just feel all so natural, so comfortable.

Click. Chemistry. It’s all we have and all we’ve done from minute one. Long nights on the phone to long dates together. A little bit of this and a little bit of that.

I don’t want to lose you love tonight. I don’t want to lose you love at all, not just yet. There will be a time where I will come across the proverbial crossroad and I will have to make my decision.

You already know this. You already know that I will have to make a decision sooner than later. Hopefully it will be a decision that will be easy to make, a decision that will suit us both. Hopefully.

Who would have thought that things would have come to this? Just two strangers thrown together because one of use sent out an email and the other responded. Now we are like peas and carrots, together like we’ve always been.

Ups and downs. Downs and ups. What relationship doesn’t have these moments? The best ones are the ones that work these out, and I guess we have worked out our kinks.

But to look toward the future to see where we will go is something that I don’t want to do right now. Just enjoy the moment, the time and let it be and let it transpire. It will end when it is time for it to end. It will come no sooner and no later than it has to. It will just be and we’ll deal with it when that time comes.

Life. It just creeps up on you when you least expect it. Funny how that works. The good and bad, just mysteries and little curve balls that just come and you have to swing. The count is full and you swing and hope you make contact to stay alive or you strike out with the rest of them.

Lost in thought in this tired life that is now refreshed with what is transpiring. Nothing feels out of the ordinary, nothing feels out of placed as everything feels like it’s been there from the first minute.

Strange how that works. My life has forever changed, yet it feels like the life that I ever had, sans the depression, the anger, the hatred of course.

Because of you I never life is good.

Life is good. Everything. Every facet. Things are just good. Same small complaints but they are complaints that I’ve lived with all my life. I could easily change these shortcomings just by becoming more responsible, but knowing me, I need to learn a lesson before I become the responsible being that I know I can be.

Slowly I am learning my lesson. Slowly slowly.

Mangina is something that I don’t have; unlike a relative of mine who is one. Successful and young, yet so sensitive and unreasonable. Too young to understand what it means to be in this family and too young to understand what it means to experience life. Not everything has to go your way, and not everyone has to see things exactly the same way that you do.

If people criticize your point of view, you don’t shy away from the debate, you take part. You don’t hide behind the mangina that you have, but you step up and prove your huevos. You step up.

You would garner the respect more. At least from me.

How can you be one of us if you can’t take a joke? How can you be one of us and not be able to take criticism? How can you go on living life if you just can’t deal with people not seeing things the way that you do? How?

I respect you as a person. I respect you for what you did? It is admirable, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to pucker up and kiss your ass. I’ll treat you the same as I’ve always done, I’ll treat you the way that I’ve treated everyone else and that is being who I am.

But I guess with the distance, it’s hard for those who were once dear to me to truly see who I really am. Everyone is so wrapped up in his or her own lives we miss out and pay no attention to the other. I am guilty of the same.

With distance we grow apart, no knowing or understanding where the other is coming from. I guess the generation gap doesn’t help matters either. Maybe I’m just older, wiser, and see life in a different life than you do.

My cynicism, bitterness, jaded nature hasn’t rubbed off on you. You are so bright-eyed and naive, you just don’t understand how life works. Ironic given where you came from. I thought you would know better or actually understand. But I guess with your certain situation, you see things differently.

I wish I could see things through your eyes, but I don’t think I can. I’ve never been the type. My eyes aren’t the rosy shade but of the deep gray. A darker shade of pale.