I never thought that it would happen. I never thought that it was possible. I am at a place where I never thought that I would be.

Life has come full circle, from the wide-eyed innocence, to pure anger, bitterness, hatred, and back to the naive nature that I once had.

What happened? Where did it come from? What changed?

Looking back at the not so distant memories, I can’t come up with an answer. Everything seem so far way, so out of reach. What happened yesterday feels like it happened before my lifetime. I can’t put a time or a place to a memory like that.

The only thing that matters is what is happening now and the major wishes that I want of my life. They are so far ahead, so out of reach that I believe it is impossible to reach, but the thought of achieving it still lingers in my mind.

Back into the old habit, out writing and finger tapping that I once done so many times before. My hand is rusty; my fingers atrophied and are deadwood. Stiff.

They don’t type with the same dexterity that I once had. It comes with old age I guess. All muscles lose a little something without being used. I haven’t used my fingers in a while.

I work and work at it, slowly, like a paraplegic training to get his legs back. It is their life to get their legs back as it is my life to get my fingers to work…but my mind freezes with its lost thoughts.

Searching for words never came so difficult. Searching for words usually came easy with tasks like these. I would write whatever that comes to mind and usually it’ll have a place in what I’m writing.

But now it seems like a puzzle of a million pieces. Each word and punctuation fit specifically where they need to fit. But the only thing that I don’t know is that there are a few pieces missing.

Lost in thought in the middle-of-the-night, I sit here in this strange place in this strange land surrounded by strange people alone. I sit here alone, like I’m so use to, but I feel like I fit in here. I am a nameless soul in this impersonal franchise.

Where did all of these things come from? Busy weekends of entertaining the other. Walking around hand in hand with a little PDA to boot; it just feel all so natural, so comfortable.

Click. Chemistry. It’s all we have and all we’ve done from minute one. Long nights on the phone to long dates together. A little bit of this and a little bit of that.

I don’t want to lose you love tonight. I don’t want to lose you love at all, not just yet. There will be a time where I will come across the proverbial crossroad and I will have to make my decision.

You already know this. You already know that I will have to make a decision sooner than later. Hopefully it will be a decision that will be easy to make, a decision that will suit us both. Hopefully.

Who would have thought that things would have come to this? Just two strangers thrown together because one of use sent out an email and the other responded. Now we are like peas and carrots, together like we’ve always been.

Ups and downs. Downs and ups. What relationship doesn’t have these moments? The best ones are the ones that work these out, and I guess we have worked out our kinks.

But to look toward the future to see where we will go is something that I don’t want to do right now. Just enjoy the moment, the time and let it be and let it transpire. It will end when it is time for it to end. It will come no sooner and no later than it has to. It will just be and we’ll deal with it when that time comes.

Life. It just creeps up on you when you least expect it. Funny how that works. The good and bad, just mysteries and little curve balls that just come and you have to swing. The count is full and you swing and hope you make contact to stay alive or you strike out with the rest of them.

Lost in thought in this tired life that is now refreshed with what is transpiring. Nothing feels out of the ordinary, nothing feels out of placed as everything feels like it’s been there from the first minute.

Strange how that works. My life has forever changed, yet it feels like the life that I ever had, sans the depression, the anger, the hatred of course.

Because of you I never life is good.

Life is good. Everything. Every facet. Things are just good. Same small complaints but they are complaints that I’ve lived with all my life. I could easily change these shortcomings just by becoming more responsible, but knowing me, I need to learn a lesson before I become the responsible being that I know I can be.

Slowly I am learning my lesson. Slowly slowly.

Mangina is something that I don’t have; unlike a relative of mine who is one. Successful and young, yet so sensitive and unreasonable. Too young to understand what it means to be in this family and too young to understand what it means to experience life. Not everything has to go your way, and not everyone has to see things exactly the same way that you do.

If people criticize your point of view, you don’t shy away from the debate, you take part. You don’t hide behind the mangina that you have, but you step up and prove your huevos. You step up.

You would garner the respect more. At least from me.

How can you be one of us if you can’t take a joke? How can you be one of us and not be able to take criticism? How can you go on living life if you just can’t deal with people not seeing things the way that you do? How?

I respect you as a person. I respect you for what you did? It is admirable, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to pucker up and kiss your ass. I’ll treat you the same as I’ve always done, I’ll treat you the way that I’ve treated everyone else and that is being who I am.

But I guess with the distance, it’s hard for those who were once dear to me to truly see who I really am. Everyone is so wrapped up in his or her own lives we miss out and pay no attention to the other. I am guilty of the same.

With distance we grow apart, no knowing or understanding where the other is coming from. I guess the generation gap doesn’t help matters either. Maybe I’m just older, wiser, and see life in a different life than you do.

My cynicism, bitterness, jaded nature hasn’t rubbed off on you. You are so bright-eyed and naive, you just don’t understand how life works. Ironic given where you came from. I thought you would know better or actually understand. But I guess with your certain situation, you see things differently.

I wish I could see things through your eyes, but I don’t think I can. I’ve never been the type. My eyes aren’t the rosy shade but of the deep gray. A darker shade of pale.

Back in the mind, back in the game, back in the spirit. Toe tapping rhythms that lure my fingers to tap along. Tap tap tap. Tappings that I haven’t done in a while.

Tap Tap Tap.

Searching for the words, searching for the inspiration to write…back in the habit, back in the game.

Words escape me as I type and compose this lyrical nonsense. Words escape my thoughts as I think of the things that I want to say and search for the things that I NEED to say.

Leap of faith, jumping blindly into the gold rush of yesteryear. Pants and sleeves rolled up screening for the magical specs. I’ve been fortunate so far, small nuggets make me come back for more. I want to strike it rich. I want this to be enough to last a while.

This kind of pleasure doesn’t come easy. Beaten and bruised from being the push over to being stubborn to even being mean. Consequences we all must face as we sift hopefully for all the glory. GOLD.

* * *

Dear Yoko where did you go, why did you leave?

* * *

Back to business, no more games. Nonsensical whimsy to straight thoughts to lyrical nature. Back to business, back to my roots; searching for the words and composition that I know I am more than capable of. Back to me.

Long nights on the cryptic airwaves; we share our moments, our lives, our thoughts. Discussing nature to fashion to movies to life in general and all things in between. Philosophy and nature. We discuss and our airwaves get broader, our signals connect with greater frequency. Soon we fall into a familiarity of comfort. Comfort.

Things we share are no secrets to us. Things we share are truths about who we are. We are we and there’s nothing to hide. From cryptic airwaves to overcoming the distance. We made our approach.

We landed in some far off place, shortening what was between us. Officially the connection is made. Officially I misconnect no more. From 80 something miles to 15,000 miles, we often made our connection. Through airwaves, the empty numerical void of 0s and 1s, and even overcoming the hard concrete, we made our connections. There is something there….something special.

Sweet talk whispers
Longing in the night
Stretching out, touching
Shivers of joy and excitement
Embrace of heat
Wet from sweat
Long into the night
Time after time
Wake indiscriminately
You
I

* * *

Walking in the night, waking in the sun, through the blurry crowds I cast my gaze. Jumping through the herd, I come out alive, full of life. I’m not afraid of the mass no more. No general apprehension of being swallowed by the mindless drones and becoming one of them.

I wake in the sun and I see clearly for the first time. Life has changed to a lighter shade of gray, evolving from the ever blackness of night that I’ve been a prisoner of. My shackles fall loose from my mal nourished wrists and ankles and I walk steadily through the pearly gates of light.

From hell to purgatory, where I now journey through the trials and tribulations of sustainable life. A life that is actually worth living, co-mingling with the ones who were once there with me and even those who were always there…each of us seeing a brighter shade of pale.

Sturdy I stand in a foreign wonderland of comfort and familiarity. Everything new, seen through virgin eyes, yet things have a old comfort of familiar ness that can only come from life. A life more ordinary than a life less ordinary outcasted by your own desire and alienation.

Sleeping peaceful with the crowds that never once visited your dreams. Alone no more! Experiences shared with people that once were never there, yet here they are now, keeping me company in my crowded dream.

With a Bah Bah Bah I jump into the sky, over the crooked moon drawn without care into the free flowing fantasies of childish playfulness that once held my innocence. Oh so long ago that I’ve lost it; but to be back and be its acquaintance is a dream in itself.

Fresh views, fresh eyes. Blurry no more. Bleary no more. Clear as crystal without the prescription plastics that block things from view. I see naked of what life is to bring me. That is a pleasant worldly surprised that I know.

Comfortably, comfort of life, comfort of self. I’ve finally found comfort in the stretchy organ of yellowness; covered in the silky texture of hide. This shell is empty no more…now filled with joy and success. Life finally comes together and makes sense to a mystery that could never be solved. All that is left are shadows that run from the chasing sun. Soon they will be gone leaving all to the incredible lightness of being.

From the Atlantic Starr to the Ziggy Stardust, I’ve traveled to learn the true meaning of life….come as you are, go as you are, and be pleasantly surprised as to who you are. Just look in a mirror and lo and behold, a new found stranger staring back at you.