Statement, not question. Notice the lack of punctuation. No “?” but just plain statement. Don’t you get me. Don’t you get me. Please, don’t you get me, because then what is there to know, what is there to talk about?

I’m a man of very little secrets, wearing my heart on my sleeve, it’s hard not to know what I’m think and what I want.

When I’m sad, I’ll have that blank face on, but my eyes tell the story. When I’m happy and too lazy to smile, I’ll have that blank face on, but my eyes tell the story.

What is there to do in life when all you ever cared about and everything that you wanted to do was just a mere imagining of what your life is? Then one Tuesday afternoon, you wake up from the boring monotonous boring day to day activities of work; coming out of that a coma that you’ve been experiencing for three years and you come to realize that you are everything that you make yourself out to be? What will you do then when you realize that the life you lead is nothing but this nightmare of stalled movement?

You believe whole-heartedly that your life is going in the direction that you wanted it to go. You write the words on the blank screen, typing away with happy apprehension about the things you see in life; telling the story how you wanted it to be told and not the other way around of how others believe it should be told.

You wander aimlessly through life with your eyes closed just hoping that you will blindly walk your way into history and fame with the “so called” unreachable dreams of what it is that needs to be. You wander in the blackness that only closed eyes could provide to you, because you are too afraid to look, to see, to feel, that all that you have been living is a lie that you tell yourself to make you feel better.

What happens when you wake? What happens when you actually see that all is lost and all is gone and all is a lie in this little game called life? You blinked your life away, with each blinking lasting for an eternity it seems. You sit motionlessly, blinking your life away, because you are just too afraid to face the life, to live the life that was dealt to you.

So you just sit here like you do every night typing away in your cryptic message, in your cryptic tone, telling yourself that everything is all right, that everything is okay. You sit here typing away. All that is in your heart, all that is in your mind, typing away, typing away, releasing all the pent up anger that is in you…releasing all that is holding you back. Releasing.

But months pass after you open your eyes. You treat the days that go by as nothing unusual because they aren’t anything special. They are just days like any other day that goes by in the year, in the decade, the fathom, the century to the millennium. They are just days. The sun rises and sets, marking each time stamp against the calendar that you put up for yourself to let yourself know how long it has been since your day of personal freedom.

Four years and two months is the time since your personal freedom. You mark that down as a momentous occasion. You mark it down; you highlight it in the familiar yellow that most highlighters are. You circle the big day on that big gigantic calendar that you set up for yourself. It’s a momentous occasion to celebrate.

Or so it seems. Again, your eyes are open and you see. You see that it is nothing but a lie. You see that all it is is just a day, a day in the life filled with many days. Days of freedoms are just days that fill a calendar. They are just days that mark time. There is no significance to anything. Not even if you set significance to them.

So I wander and wander and I listen to the soundtrack of my life. Filled with songs that blares on the radio and filled with songs that only people in the know will only hear. My life is like this combination of taste and tacky…It goes and goes, generic, yet simple with style of independence and eclectic.

That’s your life. I live it free to my own determination. I live it free with my own decision. I live it free with my own free. No one telling how to define my life, whether it is going out and enjoying the simple pleasures or doing the things that I have no interest in doing. I set my own pace, I set my own rules. I am the leader of my life. That’s how it has always been, and unfortunately, it is just now that I understand that.

Yesterday comes no more, and is a fading distant memory that I pull out of my head like it was from a time that time forgotten. It is a time that they will only recount in fairy tales and legends. They are long forgotten after the eyes open and a new day begins.

The day before is wiped from the memory totally, not focusing on anything in the past, but focusing everything that is happening HERE. NOW. THIS MOMENT. THIS SECOND.

Living free, alone, unattached, unhinged by the life that I’ve lived before. Committing to the uncommitted life that I chose for myself. Loving that decision that I’ve made. Living the life free and absent-minded of the things I’ve done, tinged with only remnants of a broken memory, but remembering everything that ever gone on in my life.

Living and forgetting..not being able to reach out and grab the things…disappearing into thin air like most things in my life.. My past is far and far and far behind me….just fading memories in an elephant’s mind.

Sitting, watching, waiting. Sitting, watching, waiting. Waiting for what, I don’t know. Watching what? What isn’t there to watch? Life is all around, life passes me by as I participate in the life of my choosing. Life. Life. Life. Full of life, full of love, full of memories, dreams, wishes…Life.

Mindless ramblings, mindless whispers of the ghosts that haunts my life and my existence. Afraid to speak up and afraid of fading so they make their existence felt and guide their hands across my life…giving me little lefts and rights that I deal with swiftly at my leisure.

Nothing forceful or permanent in a impermanent life. Things come and go, come and go, and slowly fade away or are quickly adapted to in the grand scheme of things. Nothing is ever permanent in a life that only last 80 odd years if you are lucky. Nothing is ever permanent…everything happens and happens and they just go away like everything else…life the air you breathe.

So, don’t you get me. Don’t you know me or try to understand me because there is no permanence to who I am. Ever changing and ever drifting along with the wind, floating and going wherever it is that I’m going. Never grounded enough to figure out where it is that I am from one day to the next.

You’ll be lucky to get me on a breezeless day, ever going nonchalantly, not caring about anyone or anything but myself and my survival of things that don’t cause pain and tears.

Ever FREE falling through an empty void, not knowing when or where or if I’ll ever land, I just go wherever it is that I’m going, and that is down and down and down, but in a black empty void that I surround myself in…it’s just like a listless space…floating in thin air, soaring and soaring to a destination that I cannot see or grasp. I just float and hang on to this motionlessness, moving forward not knowingly.

I fall and fall, ever moving forward, ever moving wherever it is I’ll end up. Maybe there will be something or someone that crosses my path and will float along with me. Maybe. Just maybe.

Found and sure. Lost and afraid, paranoid of the things to come. These are things that I will always be facing and never be done with in my life it’s never a definite to find who one is. Who you are is a life long journey of always finding and testing and pushing one’s limits to figure out what it is that you life means. You have to experience and to live accordingly to the rules and philosophies that you live by and throw away only to make new ones as time passes and whenever you see fit.

Nothing is lasting, everything is ever fading. Life begins and ends and ends and ends. That’s how things are. Things end and new things begin. You see this everyday and everywhere, but soon, you wouldn’t be able to see anymore. You will be one of the things that end. Life.

You go back to wherever it is that you grew up, wherever it was that you’ve lost who you were and you try to find yourself again. Try to find the part of you that you are so sure of, only to find that half of you is there and the other half is the best part of you that you are now. Meld these two halves together and you got the whole of who you really are.

Mindless rambling, incoherent jib jab. Things to come, things to do. You are who you are whether found or lost always going forward and never looking back because you are your past and the past is always with you regardless if you think about it or not. You are a culmination of days and years gone by. A culmination of experiences, pain, tears, feelings and emotions, that you can never put out of your system because the made you who you are today.

Without each moment, without each experience, without each grand gesture of life…you will be nothing but a walking zombie full of nothing to give and never touching anyone.