Oh smiley face, smiley face, so cute and foreign, why do you have to live so far away?

Oh Smiley Face, Smiley Face, so cute you are; what do you think of me?

oh smiley face, smiley face, are you thinking of me?

* * *

I sit here just thinking about what might have been between us if we were both upfront about our feelings to each other? Where will we be if I told you that I thought you had a cute smile? Would you have blushed and laughed and be flattered at my comment or would you have chuckled the universal awkward chuckle and slowly quiet down and not know how to act?

I wouldn’t know how to act either, and I’m the one wishing for things to be different. What if I did tell you what I thought of you? What if I told you that we have so much in common that we would be a great fit together? What would have happened? How would you see me? How do you see me?

Is it in a different light from that I see you?

I think you are cute, hotness to my eyes. Your beauty and your grace, that smiles of yours that just melts the ice I usually put up. You stun me with who you are and what you do? You just stun me.

How I would love to go to the places you have been, doing the things that you do so readily? I’m jealous to hear the words that come out of you mouth, wishing to myself that those are the things that I wish I would have done.

Maybe I’m not too old to do the things that you’ve done. Maybe I’ll end up getting there eventually, following each step that you’ve taken so many years before. Maybe I could have you show me the steps that you’ve taken along on your Odyssey.

My how much I would love to see half the world that you’ve already claimed your stake in. I declare this land here and the time I spent here MINE! How I would declare my affection for you in my own very special ways. The slight grins, the stealthy glances, the confident wit and the acerbic charm. Oh how I would woo you with the mean humor that is I.

But, I don’t know where things stand with us. I don’t know where they would go. I am here. You are there. There’s just so much between us…a empty crevice that falls to the depths of hell and us not knowing what it is that we each think of the other.

You may have gotten a hint before I left…me offering my social ness whenever you decide to come back to where I am. But being the illiterate that I am, I could not tell whether you appreciated the invitation or you were just creeped out by the everyday me…

Why is it that my heart always finds time to play these games with my soul? Is it to make me tougher than I already am? Well, considering how big of a wuss I am, I think it is only fair.

Maybe it is to teach me to act and to take charge of the situation at hand. Be the hero that rescues this young beautiful damsel in distress from the “hell hole” that she’s residing in.

I woke up so early that day, and all I could do was wish you would wake up soon. All I could do is think of you. But I guess things never happen the way that I wish, so I spent the morning alone, watching tv, reading, but never able to pay attention because all that is you distracted me from what it is that I need to focus on.

I can’t believe that I learned more about you in our recent short time together than the week that we spent living together. I remember us having our little chat, but oh so vaguely. It is like a lost scent of cigarette smoke or a faint perfume, fading away…only a brief scent remains. Little hints that existed in my ever-fading memories.

I’ve learned so much about you from our little bursts of laughter, joking, and talks about who you are and what you did…learned so much about you during our little catch-up.

Usually, I just clam up, shut up and not say a word..and just ponder from afar. This time it was different. My inquisitive nature beats down the usual quiet self and up a storm we’ve chatted.

But what is there for me to do? What is there for me to do? What can I do to make this work, or even try to make a connection? This is a connection that I don’t want to be severed or be just a passing one. This is a connection I would love to be long term…just a serious connection like all those that were oh so elusive.

But there is really no point in me wondering what might have been here in this empty void. There is none at all. I should just let things be, let things be. I will play the cards that I have up my sleeve, I will play my hand that I’ve been dealt, “gambling” with what I have….a pocket sixes and I go all in.

Are you willing to take the gamble and go all in with me? The flop is about to turn and it is….

Maybe in a few weeks, maybe in a few days, things will change and for some miracle of the world, we end up making that connection again. Maybe…

Oh how your smile captured when if I first made you laugh. Oh how your smile captured me as we talked and caught up with your going ons.

I never thought that I would find someone to connect with up there. Never thought that it could happen. Sure I kept my heart open for the possibility, but honestly, I never did thought about it.

I thought it was going to be one of those hang out with friends and just chill type of thing. I never thought I would have been blown away….oh how my poor heart is playing games with my poor soul. How unfair it is to me.

Oh, just how I ponder….

I’m just sitting here at my new spot..and I’m just typing away as I not so slyly steal glances at the cute coffee girl that served me for the first time not so long ago. I wonder what it is that she thinks of me? Why do I torture myself the way I do? I should just forget these pipe dreams and dream dreams of reality…which just escapes my mind.

I wonder will there ever be a day when it is I that is questioning and declaring my vows and my willingness to join this union all at the same time. “I Do?” I wonder when my time will come or if it will ever come. I’m sure that my time will come and it will not even be close to what it is that I partake in this past weekend.

I’m sure it will be in the car like I told Smiley Face. I’m sure it will be as “classy” as how she described. What can I say…I’m classy.

Sometimes I just don’t know what it is that I want. Sometimes I just don’t know what it is that I need. I just do what I do and hope for the best. Am I playing this right? Should I hold back a little? Should I be more direct? Where have my confidence gone? Where did this confidence come from?

Such a complicated confused simpleton I am. I can never decide or make heads or tails of what I am to do with people, my heart, my soul, my self, and everything else. I just go on and hope that it’s the best. Hope for the best. Hope.

Now I just sit here listening to the black unnamed named track of what seems to be Death Cab for Cutie, listening to the words and not knowing what it is that you are singing because of the blaring music of this seemingly busy drug den. It is only I who dare not drink the drugs that they offer, but went with something more natural…something squeezed and tangy..citrus-sy.

I wonder how many people would read my words and actually understand and comprehend what it is that I’m talking about…

Sometimes I don’t know what I’m talking about or why I say the things I do say. LESSON LEARNED: never call anyone, especially a girl, a BITCH, even on one of your smart-ass rants, and especially when you really didn’t mean it.

I’m dry. Very dry, like the desert sands of Gobi. Most people can never tell when I’m joking or when I’m serious because I just present it as is without the slightest hint of playful tone. From this comes miscommunication. From this comes anger and bouts of silence and me sweating that I’ve lost a friend. I’ve learned my lesson not to call you a BITCH…

All I’ve been thinking of for the past couple of weeks is the other trip up to San Francisco/San Jose coming up next week. For some reason, I can’t get it out of my head. Maybe it is just because I get to see family again, or maybe just because it is another opportunity for me to socialize, and since this weekend….maybe it is an opportunity for me to get the 411. I don’t know..but I’m really excited about this trip.

I’m not sure what it is going to be like, or what is going to happen, I’m just gonna go up there and hang with family and strangers, and hopefully make new friends and other things…