Dreams….I use to remember my dreams often and in detail. Every single moment and every single incident that would happen in the dream, I could recall it so perfectly. But as I moved down here, my dreams seem to be a arm length away, just out of grasp. They whither in the ether fading away so silently and so out of mind. Maybe it’s because I don’t find the time to jot down my dreams anymore, dissect it to the meaning of the day, the week, the month…Just maybe…

But recently, I have been able to remember most of my dreams. Recently they play so perfectly like little movies in my head, so clear and so weird. Offbeat is a term I would use to describe the brain movies I play every night. Offbeat Brain Movies.

As of late, my dreams seem to be full of people, they seem to be full of family. Why is it that I’m dreaming of family all of a sudden? When did it start?

I still remember during my days of lost and confusion…my younger days as I would like to put it…my dreams are of me lost in a sea of people, keeping my distance and not interacting. I’ll roam and wander, in search of something that I do not know what I’m searching for or why I’m searching for it. I go to and fro in search, wandering aimlessly with a purpose that is beyond my comprehension. I wander and wander, walk and walk. I was an outsider watching the people interact as I keep my distance.

I use to be monsters, victims; chased and killed…I was just a lost junkie in a world where things aren’t easily found.

Even in my dreams, I seem to be the odd ball out, going in a different direction as everyone else is going. I go right as everyone else goes left. It was very literal that way. Very. I always go my own way, I always am independent…alone…my life. That’s me. Alone and on my own, independent of everyone and all things.

Now, it just seems that I am surrounded by family. Family this and family that. We aren’t doing much together, but just hanging out. We’ll just talk and do stuff…I’m still not sure about the details, but I just know for sure that I’m around family a lot.

Now whether this means that I miss family or what not, I’m not really sure. I just know I dream about them.

I don’t remember if I wrote about this before, but my father frequents my dreams a lot. He’ll just be there in the back ground, just watching me, keeping out of the interactions, just keeping his distance.

I think it started a few months after he passed away. I would see him in my dreams. I remember my mom asking me if I saw my dad in my dreams. I would say no, because at that time he didn’t show up. She would ask if he said anything in the dreams…again, no he didn’t. He kept his distance like a stranger watching what is going to happen next. He kept his distance like I would keep my distance in my own dreams.

At first, he wouldn’t say anything to me. Not a word. Even when I’m talking to him, he wouldn’t say anything. He would stand there like a ghost, not interacting, but just watching my every movement. Slowly he would start to say things. I’m not sure what he would say. I honestly can’t remember, but I just remember him talking to me. Whether it was heartfelt or meaningful, I don’t remember.

I remember in one of my earlier dreams with my father, he was driving my family and I to somewhere. I would ask him where we were going, but he would never respond. He’d always keep silent. Distant like he’s been all his life. Just distant.

But now things are different. I still have residuals of him being in my dreams, but again, I don’t remember as clearly anymore. I still remember him talking to me, just interacting.

It just brings back memories to how we were while he was here. How growing up, he was always distant, but yet warm at the same time. Now, I don’t want to say that we were a warm family of hugs and kisses. No, we weren’t. We just don’t do that, not at all. But it was strange, ever since I moved down, I could always expect a weekly phone call from him. Just a genuine “hi, how are you doing?” type of thing from him. That’s what I missed, our connection that came so late.

That had been what I’ve always wanted between my family and I. The genuine connection of just talking about anything, our feelings and such. It just seems that we never did that while growing up. Maybe that’s why I have been dreaming about my family so often. Maybe it is just that the connection is there finally.

Now it is with my mom and her calls. She worries about me, I know…I could tell from her voice, as she would call me.

But there are the dreams as of late. Family. I dream of family and just being with them, just hanging out and not doing anything like what family is supposed to do. Just be there and not do anything and be perfectly all right with it. There’s no sense of awkwardness and not fitting in. It just is.

But thinking about it…what are dreams? Are they just synapses firing and firing like our eyes are creating images of the things we see but only in our sleep? Are they just functions of the brain interpreting the firing synapses in our sleep? Are they meaningless interpretations of firing synapses or are they something more? Are they our subconscious telling us what we need to do and explain to us what is on our mind?

I fall in both camps when it comes to interpreting dreams because sometimes dreams are so surreal and so incomprehensible that I can’t find meaning in these random images that flow together in a nonsensical narrative. But other times, my earlier days, my younger days…I believe that there is meaning in these dreams. I would write and interpret and analyze each dream and finding the ultimate message each dream is trying to tell me.

I did find an answer to most of my dreams. They all follow a similar theme. I was lost, not knowing where to go, not knowing what to do or what I’m looking for. I just wander and wander like Cain in his Kung Fu journey. That was the general theme I would have.

I would be so alone, running away from the people and the world around me. Feeling like the weakless victim, being killed by the aliens and the strange things I do not understand. I am an outcast, hence I am the monster in my dreams, always running and running from people and strangers that seem to come in droves and droves.

I was always alone, working my on my own, working my own mojo. Going to places and making decisions that no one will make.

But now, things are different. I fit in. I am with family, I am interacting, I am never alone. I am never chased, I am relaxed, being whoever I am. I’m not in an endless search for something that I don’t know what I’m looking for. I am found and comfortable with who I am and what I’m doing. I am found.

My dreams reflect that. Dreams are a reflection of our lives. Dreams are a replay of the major events that happen in our life; dreams are a replay of our mental health.

I am healthy. It is healthy to miss family, especially when you aren’t surrounded by family. It is healthy to be with people and be comfortable around them. It is healthy to socialize and to interact. It is healthy to feel happy about the situation you are in, not to feel any anxiety or fear. I am a healthy soul connected to the world.

Maybe I’m in a dream now, sitting here at my new coffee spot with this free internet typing my thoughts away, typing my dreams away. I’m just typing about the things that are on my consciousness listening to the words nothing’s gonna change my world.

These words ring so true. nothing’s going to change my world. Nothing. My world is just this and it is what I make it to be and everything I make my world to be is just is. It will always be the same because it is what I want it to be and it is the thing that is offered to me. If things comes along they are things that are meant to come along.

So I sit here typing away in this dream state, typing away. I would look up and study my surroundings. The yummy blueberry cheese swirl that is behind the glass case or my empty regular ice vanilla latte. I just sit here just typing away because I cannot do anything else but type. I can’t stop because I don’t want to stop and don’t want to hinder this stream of conscious rant I am going with.

I look up in search of the cute brunette that served me with my ice drink but she’s nowhere to be seen. I only see the blonde guy that took my money. The other lonely man with his headphones has his attention in front of his computer, taking in the free internet that this place offers. The two men that just came in sit and talk about things I do not know for my music is drowning out their conversation.

Oh sweet hot brunette, where are you at?

I just sit and type, sit and type, sit and type like I usually do, going with the flow as I do best.

I dreamed of a blonde last night and we flirted and made plans to do the deed but it was all spoiled by family being in the situation so we postponed it. I don’t remember you clearly, but you were blonde and attractive in my eyes. We made plans that got spoiled but in the end, all things worked out.

I was to take you to the Farmer’s Market on Fairfax and you gave me protection for the dirty deed that we planned to do. I grabbed your ass and you proclaim I am a typical male that I so proudly believe myself to be. But then all is lost because it was time for me to wake up and go to work and deal with the daily grind.

Is this dream connected to the dream that my neighbor had. She dreamed of me; me of all people she dreamed. It was a Monday so she said, or maybe a Tuesday, it was the first day of work after a weekend, she was sure of that.

I told her about my sexcapdes during the weekend and my general enthusiasm of all things sex. I had sex. I was no longer a virgin and I was happy go lucky as any guy who got lucky should be. She laughed as she told me this story, her big smile as she said I got laid.

I joked with her, telling her that she “dreamed of me”. Oh how we play, how we jest. She then went on to proclaim that she’s a psychic…seeing the pregnancy of her cousin or her aunt, I’m not sure, but a relative of hers. She proclaims that she’s a psychic. Does this mean that she’s a psychic in this realm? I’m not sure.

But again, I dreamed last night that I made plans to get laid. Does this have anything to do with her dream or is it just my separate dream? I believe that it is a separate dream about the dream that she had..me forcing the situation at hand to come true. Now whether it will happen, I’m not sure. Knowing me, writing it here, bringing these thoughts to voice, bring these dreams to heart, it will never come true.

So I sit here still wanting to steal another look at the coffee girl, who just came out as I typed my wish and disappeared again. How strange and weird..How the timing just works in mysterious ways.

We were alone at first, striking up small talk about how quiet it is here. “They come in spurts” as she tells me about Friday night business, but then she went on making my coffee. I wasn’t engaging enough. I keep my distance, mysterious and quiet. Lost in thought.

It’s been a quiet and uneventful night of me writing as I should be, but not working as I need to be. It’s just my slow process of getting back into the grove.

What does it mean to find the girl in my dreams? What does it mean? Who is it actually?

There are so many strangers that appear in my dreams. Girls that I don’t recognize or don’t ever remember meeting. Not even girls I just see while walking down the street. I don’t know how my imagination, my dreams pick these lovely ladies that come across my dreams.

Now the blonde, maybe it is the “fizzler” that I had no chemistry with. She was blonde, that’s all I know, but she never said that she would do me good. We talked and then it was over…that’s how things are in my life. We talk and things are over. They find me a bore, they find me unexciting, like I really am. They see me who I really am.

I really do wonder how many people actually see me for who I really am? Am I really the guy that comes out to play with Isela or am I some other guy and she’s the only one that brings out that side of me? I wonder who I really am. It’s strange, one would think that I know, considering I got myself together. One would think that. One would know. But I really don’t know.

So I just sit here, as she just wanders around, studying, thinking about what she needs to get down before the night is over. I sit here as they approach closing and I just type away and type away and type away…

Blonde. Blonde. Blonde. Who can it be? Who can be that dream girl that I’m thinking of? Maybe it’s someone I haven’t met. Maybe it’ll be a complete stranger that will make herself visible when she makes herself visible…maybe at a wedding.

Looking ahead, I just go with the flow, do the things I need to do and live the life that I have been living. Looking ahead, I can’t for my payday because I am honestly broke, not having the money I feel comfortable with so I can actually live.

Where should I start, where should I go? What story should I tell? The one about the current situation, being married to a total stranger and being forced to connect with her because of the connection that we have…or should it be the one where I died because of a girl and am now living in a perpetual hell of bliss and heartache? I cannot decide, but a part of me wants me to tell the story that will put closure to my current situation and I know I need to do that soon. I think I will.

Lemon Poppyseed Cake. Brownies. Are they the special kind?

I’ve been in a rare state these past couple of months. Many notice, but I do have my spurts because it is hard to ditch nature..but I’ve been very happy go lucky lately…especially at work. It all started when I just decided to do what I must do and start building a shield and take things for what they are and not treat them so seriously. I’m not taking things and not taking matters to heart, because I know I can’t. Things aren’t going to happen, but I could at least enjoy it while I can, just until I find a replacement.

Things always happen for a reason. Things always happen because they need to happen. Am I starting to believe in fate again…I don’t know…but I think I’ve always believe that things happen for a reason. I’ve always believe that things happen because things happen like that. There is no way around it. There is no way around it.

I am not god. I can’t control the life that is around me. I can’t dictate the events that haven’t happen yet. I am merely a bystander going along and reacting to the events that happen. Whether I had a part in creating those events or just merely a spectator…I just accept it as things that need to happen.

Brunette. Brunette. Brunette. (Just to be fair)

I’ve decided that there is no point in being someone I am not. Just be me and if someone doesn’t appreciate it or if someone doesn’t find it attractive, than that is how things should be. They should find who I am, this jackass funny man, attractive and that is how it should be. There’s no point in me changing who I am for the sake of being with some one. Because in the end, things are just going to explode in my face, and I’m just not a big fan of things exploding in my face.

It’s funny, the things I do just to stretch the imagination, things I do just to stretch time. I’m just typing and typing, coming up with things that keep my interest and the interest of my imaginary audience.

This is nice. This is really nice. Just sitting out here around people and typing. But I know for sure I wouldn’t be able to work around people this way. I wouldn’t be able to do the work I need to do if I am so easily distracted by the things that surround me. This is place is only for the blog in me. This is the place for the stream of conscious writing that I do often.

There are just things to keep my interest and things to write about in an area like this. The lounger, the guy formerly known as “the other lonely guy with headphones enjoying the free internet” is now laying across on the sofa, surfing the web or watching something on his laptop. I wonder why is it that he comes out here when he has nothing to do? Does he need the sense of social contact, the surrounding people or is it the free internet that grasp his attention?

I came out here because of the free internet. I could post this posting here and now, here and now without having to redo my connection at home.

I might just be up all night with the caffeine that I had, at such a late hour too. I wonder how long would I last. Would I be able to sleep the lovely sleep that I love so dearly?

What is it that I need to do this weekend? All I know is that I can’t spend any money because I have no money to spend. Tonight will be the last night where there will be any spending because that is what I said I would do. Whether that will actually be true, I have for the life of me no idea.

It is just funny how I am trying to connect with some people that I’ve lost along the way. It’s all because of my flaw of not keeping in touch that we’ve lost touch. One who came tumbling and one who I use to flirt with. I’ve emailed them both, but haven’t receive any notification or acknowledgement that they care to respond.

Tomorrow will be a night where I will be working on the work that needs to get done. No more excuses as to why I’m not working, but I’m just going to sit down and work. I have no fear at how bad the writing will be. I will just write because I need to jump-start this dream again.

This is my dream. This is my dream. Sitting here writing. Sitting here writing. This is my dream. This is my dream. My how many directions and interpretations that that simple sentence brings. This is my dream.

I think I should end it on that note. It’s just so pitch perfect. This is my dream.