When asked why it is that I’m single, I just and stare at her eyes. I look as if I’m thinking, contemplating the answer as if it is lost deep in the heart of my soul…I kill myself trying to think of the answer.

The answer is at the tip of my tongue but I still play along like I don’t know. I play because it is the part of the game. I play because that’s the reason why I’m still single. It’s all in the game; it’s all in the chase.

Oh, the little glances, the slight touches, the little jokes that we play on each other. It’s the connection and the chemistry that draws me in. It’s the flirting that gets my blood boiling. What’s the point when you get what you want and the games start to end? Where would the fun be? It’s a dangerous game of heartache and pain, but it’s a game that I play willingly.

Things have been going strange lately. The games we play, the glances and the talks we have just doesn’t have that little flare that it had before. Something is missing between us and I can’t place it.

Maybe it’s my attempts at distancing myself, detaching myself from the situations at hand. We go about our business the same as usual but the pizzazz isn’t there anymore. The small touches are short and less between; the jokes are less funny and impersonal. Things are going about in a half assed way. I guess that’s how things are meant to be. I guess that’s how things should be. It’s progress.

So it goes and goes as I try to find a new subject for me to try new things with…and the search goes and goes. I thought I had a possibility by apparently the chemicals didn’t react quite as well as it could. The reaction wasn’t nearly as reactionary as the NaCl should be. It fizzled and as two bases are put together into the mix. It just was DOA.

We talked and played the usual games of catch-up and “hi, how do you do’s?” as two strangers usually do, but it was just that. Two distant strangers that were distant in their proximity of the other…on a mobile device that just transmits our voice to the other and we have to go to our imaginations from the pixels that were uploaded to get a view of who we were.

I imagined you tall and sweet, pale and blonde, with baby blues that your photo presented. I wonder which one you thought of me with…the “cute smile” you so proclaimed…the one from Sacramento I bet.

I wonder what it was that made you decide to fizzle what was what? I wonder what it was that made you think things will never work out the way things would go? I just wonder? Why end it the way that you did without giving it more time?

You said that there wasn’t any chemistry? How can there be chemistry when the chemicals weren’t given sufficient time to interact? You even said so yourself that chemistry can be found given time…One single night for 26 minutes surely isn’t enough time to make a reaction.

Was Bradley right in his assessment that your cat-napper came back into your life with the cat you so loved? But I do agree with Bradley in the assessment that chemistry is from a physical thing. It most definitely is.

The little touches, the glances, the smell, the physical attraction that just get the hormones, the pheromones, the chemistry as you so proclaim will start to react together and then, voila…chemistry ensues. But again, the formula doesn’t because there was very little mixing and very little agitation that was much needed for a chemical reaction to start.

But I guess that’s how things go. I guess that’s how life is. A series of miss connections and miss moments…two strangers trying to make a connection that ends up to become nothing because one or the other or both find that things just aren’t working out the way that it should work out. Life….that’s how it goes.

So I go on and on in my endless search and rescue of the things that needs to be searched and rescued. Whether it is another stranger or whether is someone that I already crossed paths with. Life is a mystery that way.

Maybe I’m just too nice in my ways and people find that too safe? Maybe that’s it…like me and another stranger of the night. I took you home as you wished because it was the nice thing to do, and besides I had nothing else going on. We sat and talked as I drove you to your place of business and residence. We talked and I thought. I’m sure you thought whatever it is that crossed your mind about me, about life, about you also. I guess that’s how things happen.

You brought out your pet, so stuffed and artificial and you gave it life that only you can see. A feline that you mistaken to be a canine. My mind starts to process who you are already. My mind starts running of locations of the nearest hospitals..but it comes to a lost because I don’t know many…especially psychiatric ones.

Sure you proclaimed that you loved it..because it never shits or it never pisses, it doesn’t eat, it doesn’t shed, it always listens, and it is huggable….and many other things that you love about it so much….and I’m thinking..you are fucking crazy. It’s a inanimate stuffed animal that you have there. All I said to you was that it was “cute”.

“Good” is what you said when I said I didn’t have a girlfriend…because I then could talk to you freely…but where were you going with that? Apparently nowhere. When you describe your ideal man, the prestige, the level of power and business pizzazz..the name that you want him to have and that you want him to make for himself…all I thought was about the treasures you will reap from him. I then thought that things will never be between us, because I have nothing that you were looking for and I’m not a man who is interested in leaches.

So I just sat there, paying attention to the road and keeping up the conversation because all in all, it was just awkward for me to take a stranger home and just sit there in silence until I get you there.

Now, that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t go into your place if you asked. I surely would. Why? a friend of mine asked when I was recounting this harrowing tale of servitude and intrigue…and I just say for the experience of things. I would have done it too and if things progress to where I’m given an opportunity to take her fruit in which she’s giving so freely, I will savor every bite and then move on like the man in Passion Fruit.

Is that what I’ve become, this unattached pariah that goes about lusting for whoever that is unfortunate to come along? I know I haven’t done anything yet, but will I ever go there? I don’t now. I honestly can say that I don’t know.

Another friend was disappointed when I told her about my still lingering feelings about my neighbor, so disappointed in me she was. She even went ahead and believed that I would most definitely try something if the opportunity presented itself with her…and I assured her that I wouldn’t, because honestly..I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t go there unless she is available and from the looks of things, it’s not going to be ever be possible for me to go there. Again, the slow detached formalities of our relationship is taking over in our daily lives and routines. We do it because it has become routine too.

I’m sure I’ve been dropped a few notches in this friend’s book, but I don’t care. Bradley got it right…I only do it because it is safe. I know it isn’t going to go anywhere and I get the pleasure of what I want. It’s a win win situation for all parties. It’s safe. safe. safe.

Given the time when this little experiment that I’m trying is over, I don’t know where things will go from there. Whether I will continue on with the experiment or just treat it like what it is…an experiment that once it is finished, it is finished and I have served my curiosity and I will forever just wander the world listless like I’m use to do.

I’ve never even asked for pixels of my current and only connection now that the other deem our reaction is not mixing. I’ll just let things go and go until it is time for me to take the next step and see how she wants to play this. It is all in my right to ask for her pixels, I have every right as my pixels are shown for all to see. Maybe she wants to build up a connection first, maybe she wants me to see what is inside of her first then work outside. Who knows? Females, the non-understandable kind.

There just comes a point where I just don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing in these little games and escapades because I’m just so inexperienced at it. Maybe I should just take the advice that I often give and just let things flow like the H2O (a common chemistry resultant, by the way). Just let things flow like water and adapt to whatever it is that comes my way.

Don’t force things because they will surely break over time. Just let things go. Just let things go. Don’t even try.

I don’t know where my destiny lie. I don’t know what road I’m gonna take. I don’t know much about the blank slate that is in front of me. All I know is that I work well alone. All I know is that I don’t mind the independence and the freedom of doing things myself. It’s just I’m human and I wouldn’t mind getting a benefits for all I’ve done.

But I guess some times, life just doesn’t happen that way. I guess sometimes, we all can’t get what we want. Life just goes and I just have to let it go wherever the wind blows. I’m like the feather in Forrest Gump, floating to the lyrical melodies, being blown about by the wind of nature, taking my time to go wherever it is that I need to go and just go there for the sake of going there.

I just sit and watch as things go about and just trying to make things right, but all in all things only happen after Playing by Heart. Talking about love is like, dancing about architecture. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. It’s just things that you can’t explain and it’s just things that happen. We can’t explain it…we can’t talk about it…we just have to let it happen.

Like the one that base that mixed with my basic self…she decided to close what we started and I just have to let that happen and not think about it because that is what needs to happen in life.

Sometimes I do rack my brain about those that were lost, those connections that I’ve made during a few hours and then we move on. For instance, the one from Eugene…I don’t know her name is for sure, but I was told that there was one that shares the name of a famous tennis star that isn’t a planet. She thought I was hot. If it is her, I certainly thought she was. A single child, growing up in Oregon and moving down here to live her own life like I did. But, again, where is she now, moved on and a distant memory. I had a great time with her that day, she standing and me lounging, just talking and getting to know her. Things just came easy between us for some reason. At least that is what I remembered.

I wonder would she recognize me now if I pass her by? I doubt it. What does all this mean? All these connections that just come and go? What does it all mean? Opportunities that present itself and then disappear like the mist in the sky…maybe it is just hints and clues that is trying to drill itself into my stubborn brain. I need to act. I need to move. I just need to do.

But as far as I know, my search just goes and goes until I find another to flirt with. Until then, until then…