What is it that I want to say tonight? What is it that I want to write here tonight?

I don’t know but I do know that I came out to clear my mind as I get ready to head up to the Bay area again this weekend. This has been a weekend that I’ve been anticipating for quite some time. I’ll be doing my usual road trip during Labor Day weekend, driving wherever it is that I usually go. Last year it was San Francisco and the year before was Sacramento. This year will be San Francisco again and also to San Jose for a wedding.

I was just up in San Francisco not two weeks ago. I went up for my ex-roommates wedding. It was nice, I guess, but I had a great time there. It was just fun relaxing and chilling with a bunch of new people and meeting up with some old people again. I had a great time. I didn’t feel awkward or out of place like I usually do.

I just did my own thing, felt comfortable in my own skin, enjoying the ceremony and the banquet. Overall, it was an enjoyable reason…. for many reasons.

I met up with my ex-roommate last night and we just discussed things. We just discussed whatever it is that we discussed and at the end of it, I was just frustrated with everything that she told me.

I would like to think I’m a smart guy, maybe I’m just not that smart to understand why? Why? Why?

Maybe it’s because I’ve never been in a relationship, or maybe I’ve never been in love to understand what it is that she’s going through. I’ve always thought of myself as a romantic, a hopeless romantic at that….but I guess maybe that kind of love is just too real for me to understand. It doesn’t compare to the ideal notion of “love” that I have in my head. Maybe that’s just it.

Overall, I’m just frustrated at everything and everything. I just have to face the fact that I just don’t understand….and me not understanding something just frustrates me. I have many friends that can attest to that. Many.

I just hope in the end, she knows what she’s doing…I just hope she knows what she’s doing.

* * *

I’ve been in a small social funk lately, a very small social funk. This is sort of weird for me, because it is rarely that I get this social. maybe I’m getting older and feel more comfortable about who I am as a person and just want to finally go out and meet new people….and maybe meet someone special. Who knows why it is that I’m doing these social things.

For instance, I met up with a long lost cousin this past Saturday night. I only met her once before for a couple of hours a couple of months ago. She came from Philadelphia to work here in Westlake. We’d exchanged numbers when we first met and bid our farewell at our great uncle’s house and we never talked since.

One night early last week, I thought I would call her up and see if she’s interested in hanging out. You see, I had a writers’ group out in Ventura on Saturday and since I would be out in her part of town anyway, I thought we maybe able to hang out…otherwise, who knows when I would get to see her again.

But she called me instead. She called me out of the blue as I thought about calling her. It’s funny how things like these happen. Just funny. She called about this weekend; she called about the wedding that is up north. She was wondering if I was going and I absolutely am.

So, we met up this past Saturday. I got to her place at around 6pm…after a few minutes of being lost of course. Later, we went out to get some dinner at the Westlake mall or something. We just sat at the outside food court just talking about anything and everything until 3 AM.

It was a nice outing and weekend overall, but weird. I just never talked with a total stranger until the dead of night before…grant it she’s family, she’s still a stranger no less.

Now whether she’s going to go to the wedding this weekend, I have no idea. I told her to email me with her flight information if she does decide to brave the face of strangers and I’ll pick her up from the airport.

Besides me, she doesn’t know anyone who is going to the wedding. Again, it is going to be a very interesting weekend, regardless.

So I’m heading up to San Jose on Friday morning, then heading over to San Francisco on late morning/early afternoon. I’ll be heading over with my brother and I’m not sure if my mom and aunt and her kids will be joining us or not. If they do, that will be interesting. Again, this whole weekend is going to be very interesting.

I don’t know what the plan for the San Francisco trip is yet….maybe Chinatown and dim sum as we wait for Suong to get off of work and then our tour could start. Alcatraz, Fisherman’s Wharf, Golden Gate Park….I have no idea and I really don’t care. I’m out and away from the city, just relaxing not thinking about work and such. It’s a much needed vacation, outing, rest…

I think the plan is to stay in San Francisco till late…maybe we’ll head back after dinner. There’s no rush. Not much is happening on Friday anyway….Saturday is when the “work” for the wedding will technically start. Airport runs, guests to host for the house party…so on and so forth. The worst of all, socializing..small talk…death.

No, I know I was ranting about how I became the social butterfly lately and everything, this is different. This is going to be a big “social” event..party, chit chat..small talk. Small talk is my kryptonite. I can’t handle small talk. I love it when I am able to just talk to the person, about anything, about who they are, what they want..you know, just have a decent conversation. I can’t deal with the weather and other shit like that. I just want to have a genuine conversation.

But in a situation like that, with all these new faces, it’s kind of hard to find someone to connect with. Maybe if I show up early and find a connection with someone there before the whole shindig starts, things might be different. Maybe if I find that right girl who doesn’t mind flirting, things might be different; that girl with the chemistry, that other flirt….maybe things will be different.

Who knows, maybe with my new found self..things might be easy. I’ll be the chatty guy who never shuts up, being the smart ass that I am, making them laugh, insulting others who do not understand my sense of humor…it’ll be grand. It’ll be great. I can’t wait.

* * *

I’ve been itching to get back into photography again and to get back into hiking again. It’s been a while since I’ve done both, a very long while since I’ve done both. Maybe this weekend, I could get back into my photography habit again. It’s as good of a time as any, a wedding and a party and all. Maybe I could get some nice pictures, some nice candids. Who knows?

As for hiking…I guess that will come when it comes. Maybe when the weather gets cooler. Malibu Creek, Santa Monica Mountains, Topanga Canyon. I have so many options and places that I need to take advantage of. Maybe I’ll ask a friend of mine if she has any recommendations.

All I know is that I need to start doing something more active. I have no desire to play basketball anymore, but I’ll go out next week maybe just to meet up with that particular friend that I haven’t seen in a couple of months. Maybe we haven’t lost that spark between us after all, but again, we are both flirts. Flirts flirt. So would flirts ever lose that spark even though they haven’t seen each other in over 9 months?

* * *

So I never got a chance to ask about Smiley Face last night. Didn’t get a chance at all and I didn’t want to. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk about my little predicament; I did, I really did, but circumstances prevented that from happening. We were in deep discussion our her predicament and my puppy love didn’t really have a place in a conversation like that…and besides, I was angry.

But apparently the next time we meet, I will be the one being interrogated. I guess that would be a good time as any to discuss Smiley Face. It would be a good time.

I’m sure I will be discussing the other situation with Suong this weekend, even though I told my friend I wouldn’t talk about it. I got to find a way to not talk about it, but talk about it. Maybe things will be easy and that things will be discussed already, but my friend told me that things were never discussed between the two. It was a baby sitting fest during their last get together.

Maybe…maybe. Again, things just seem to be happening just a little too soon.

How far do we go for something like this? How much are we willing to sacrifice to make that kind of connection with that someone to do that something to do whatever it is that we must do to do what it is that we want to do? How we must jibjab the nonsensical to clear our conscience of the things that forever cloud our mind? How much gibberish is there?

There is a great distance between us. Will this distance ever shrink? Will it ever come of a comfortable distance that we are both looking for? Are you hoping that it would be longer or are you like me, secretly hoping for a shorter one?

I just sit here doing my usual routine with a cup of orange juice because why not? I just sit here thinking how things transpired between us and how the day went with the flying paper clips and the supersonic nuts…

I just sit here rethinking the day, the week, the month, and I just have to say that there’s no bigger smile on my face than when I’m just thinking about our time together.

It put that little look of private lost happiness that rarely surfaces on my face and people question what it is that puts that mysterious look on my face. I tell them nothing for it is not for them to know. It is all I need to think about to get me through the day.

But the day progresses and day turns into night and night turns into dawn and I just sit and wonder, sit and think, sit and sit, and all there is for me to do is to write and put these private lost happy thoughts into the cryptic words that I usually do.

About 1500 miles lie between us. Buildings and empty space. Concrete and grass. Dirt and sand. Heat heat heat. A oasis of mirage and illusion that lies between us. We are two specs of sand in a vast dessert, separated by nothing but other specs…lost to each other.

To find each other will prove the existence of fate and destiny….God, some might dare to say. To find each other will be a miracle in itself.

I met a person that was deemed a match yesterday and it was all business down to the formal handshakes when we introduced each other and when we parted ways. We each kept our space of professional courtesy and slowly dissect our lives and our thoughts that way. What was to be a meeting of like minds turned into a meeting of like minds but without the chemistry and the constant flirting of co-habitable like minds.

I am too laid back and too much of an apathetic slacker to be anything that may seem attractive in your eyes. You are too much of the businesswoman to be the woman that I want to play with.

Whether things will continue with us, I have no idea. I guess if we talk we will talk through the void like we usually do…but maybe the stake has finally met its final resting ground in the heart of this never begun relationship. Things just didn’t spark like the chemistry wasn’t there with Rocky’s wife. There’s just nothing there…business is business.

Now I sit here just typing away stealing glances at the people around me. The one who I usually see in here with the laptop and the internet is talking to the young young young college girl who just wants to make it through school, as the other more quiet antisocial girl…the cute coffee girl that I see often works and keeps busy to pass the time. She hides behind the counter cleaning this, moving that, doing whatever, and never stops to take a breather.

The young college girl in her cute cons and her bootleg jeans..way too cute and hot by the way…sits so intuned in the conversation with the creepy internet guy, that it just seems like she maybe interested.

But I sit and type and look at the sunflowers that sit so pretty at the counter. So bright and exuberant in color like its name sake. It’s not hard to smile at something like that. Hard not to.

I reached out to you tonight. I reached out to you. I was nervous and reserved and quiet in my thoughts…these were the thoughts of private lost happiness that piqued the interests of others to know what it is that was bothering me. My outreach to you was what I kept a secret from the others.

I know that it is right for me to do what I did. I know that was the best thing I could do and that was to act. I had to act like life been telling me to act. I bit the bullet and reached out to you…just with simple words and questions…That is how things should go…simply.

I sit here nervous as to expect a response. Will it be soon or will I have to play the waiting game? Will you know who it is when you see my name or will you treat it as a solicitor and trash it like normal folks do?

I was funny and kind and sincere in my words to you. I was my usual self with a bit of smart derriere in tone…to keep it light and relaxed.

But all in all, I really don’t know what it is that I want. Did I fall for her, not for her charms, but because of the distance between us? Did I fall for her because I know that there was no chance for her to come back here and be with me…did I fall for her because she’s safe?

I see that she’s cute, hot to my eyes….her smile just melts whatever icing there is in me…but are those really the reasons or is it really for the reason I listed above….I will never know.

I am alone now in the coffee shop..almost around the time that I usually go…but should I go now? I need to be up early tomorrow to drive a long way to take part in the writers group that I am a part of. I will drive to a city that I’ve never been and afterwards, hang out with a long lost cousin that I barely know. That should be interesting to say the least…Very interesting.

Flirting. My drug of choice. Flirting. It never ends. It never ends. I do it so effortlessly and with such pleasure today and almost everyday that I am at work. It works easier, so much easier, when she is willing to participate in these little games that I play. The paper clip tossing, the sly word play and the innuendo in the window that makes her blush her cute blush.

The slight touches and hand holding, ass slapping, and just plain playing that we do so often. Chemistry is what we have. Chemistry is just so apparent that it is hard to miss. You play it off like we don’t, but deep inside, you know we do. You know we do. We work well together. You get me at work, and I get you at work. That’s where our relationship stand. That’s where we should be.

Oh smiley face, smiley face, so cute and foreign, why do you have to live so far away?

Oh Smiley Face, Smiley Face, so cute you are; what do you think of me?

oh smiley face, smiley face, are you thinking of me?

* * *

I sit here just thinking about what might have been between us if we were both upfront about our feelings to each other? Where will we be if I told you that I thought you had a cute smile? Would you have blushed and laughed and be flattered at my comment or would you have chuckled the universal awkward chuckle and slowly quiet down and not know how to act?

I wouldn’t know how to act either, and I’m the one wishing for things to be different. What if I did tell you what I thought of you? What if I told you that we have so much in common that we would be a great fit together? What would have happened? How would you see me? How do you see me?

Is it in a different light from that I see you?

I think you are cute, hotness to my eyes. Your beauty and your grace, that smiles of yours that just melts the ice I usually put up. You stun me with who you are and what you do? You just stun me.

How I would love to go to the places you have been, doing the things that you do so readily? I’m jealous to hear the words that come out of you mouth, wishing to myself that those are the things that I wish I would have done.

Maybe I’m not too old to do the things that you’ve done. Maybe I’ll end up getting there eventually, following each step that you’ve taken so many years before. Maybe I could have you show me the steps that you’ve taken along on your Odyssey.

My how much I would love to see half the world that you’ve already claimed your stake in. I declare this land here and the time I spent here MINE! How I would declare my affection for you in my own very special ways. The slight grins, the stealthy glances, the confident wit and the acerbic charm. Oh how I would woo you with the mean humor that is I.

But, I don’t know where things stand with us. I don’t know where they would go. I am here. You are there. There’s just so much between us…a empty crevice that falls to the depths of hell and us not knowing what it is that we each think of the other.

You may have gotten a hint before I left…me offering my social ness whenever you decide to come back to where I am. But being the illiterate that I am, I could not tell whether you appreciated the invitation or you were just creeped out by the everyday me…

Why is it that my heart always finds time to play these games with my soul? Is it to make me tougher than I already am? Well, considering how big of a wuss I am, I think it is only fair.

Maybe it is to teach me to act and to take charge of the situation at hand. Be the hero that rescues this young beautiful damsel in distress from the “hell hole” that she’s residing in.

I woke up so early that day, and all I could do was wish you would wake up soon. All I could do is think of you. But I guess things never happen the way that I wish, so I spent the morning alone, watching tv, reading, but never able to pay attention because all that is you distracted me from what it is that I need to focus on.

I can’t believe that I learned more about you in our recent short time together than the week that we spent living together. I remember us having our little chat, but oh so vaguely. It is like a lost scent of cigarette smoke or a faint perfume, fading away…only a brief scent remains. Little hints that existed in my ever-fading memories.

I’ve learned so much about you from our little bursts of laughter, joking, and talks about who you are and what you did…learned so much about you during our little catch-up.

Usually, I just clam up, shut up and not say a word..and just ponder from afar. This time it was different. My inquisitive nature beats down the usual quiet self and up a storm we’ve chatted.

But what is there for me to do? What is there for me to do? What can I do to make this work, or even try to make a connection? This is a connection that I don’t want to be severed or be just a passing one. This is a connection I would love to be long term…just a serious connection like all those that were oh so elusive.

But there is really no point in me wondering what might have been here in this empty void. There is none at all. I should just let things be, let things be. I will play the cards that I have up my sleeve, I will play my hand that I’ve been dealt, “gambling” with what I have….a pocket sixes and I go all in.

Are you willing to take the gamble and go all in with me? The flop is about to turn and it is….

Maybe in a few weeks, maybe in a few days, things will change and for some miracle of the world, we end up making that connection again. Maybe…

Oh how your smile captured when if I first made you laugh. Oh how your smile captured me as we talked and caught up with your going ons.

I never thought that I would find someone to connect with up there. Never thought that it could happen. Sure I kept my heart open for the possibility, but honestly, I never did thought about it.

I thought it was going to be one of those hang out with friends and just chill type of thing. I never thought I would have been blown away….oh how my poor heart is playing games with my poor soul. How unfair it is to me.

Oh, just how I ponder….

I’m just sitting here at my new spot..and I’m just typing away as I not so slyly steal glances at the cute coffee girl that served me for the first time not so long ago. I wonder what it is that she thinks of me? Why do I torture myself the way I do? I should just forget these pipe dreams and dream dreams of reality…which just escapes my mind.

I wonder will there ever be a day when it is I that is questioning and declaring my vows and my willingness to join this union all at the same time. “I Do?” I wonder when my time will come or if it will ever come. I’m sure that my time will come and it will not even be close to what it is that I partake in this past weekend.

I’m sure it will be in the car like I told Smiley Face. I’m sure it will be as “classy” as how she described. What can I say…I’m classy.

Sometimes I just don’t know what it is that I want. Sometimes I just don’t know what it is that I need. I just do what I do and hope for the best. Am I playing this right? Should I hold back a little? Should I be more direct? Where have my confidence gone? Where did this confidence come from?

Such a complicated confused simpleton I am. I can never decide or make heads or tails of what I am to do with people, my heart, my soul, my self, and everything else. I just go on and hope that it’s the best. Hope for the best. Hope.

Now I just sit here listening to the black unnamed named track of what seems to be Death Cab for Cutie, listening to the words and not knowing what it is that you are singing because of the blaring music of this seemingly busy drug den. It is only I who dare not drink the drugs that they offer, but went with something more natural…something squeezed and tangy..citrus-sy.

I wonder how many people would read my words and actually understand and comprehend what it is that I’m talking about…

Sometimes I don’t know what I’m talking about or why I say the things I do say. LESSON LEARNED: never call anyone, especially a girl, a BITCH, even on one of your smart-ass rants, and especially when you really didn’t mean it.

I’m dry. Very dry, like the desert sands of Gobi. Most people can never tell when I’m joking or when I’m serious because I just present it as is without the slightest hint of playful tone. From this comes miscommunication. From this comes anger and bouts of silence and me sweating that I’ve lost a friend. I’ve learned my lesson not to call you a BITCH…

All I’ve been thinking of for the past couple of weeks is the other trip up to San Francisco/San Jose coming up next week. For some reason, I can’t get it out of my head. Maybe it is just because I get to see family again, or maybe just because it is another opportunity for me to socialize, and since this weekend….maybe it is an opportunity for me to get the 411. I don’t know..but I’m really excited about this trip.

I’m not sure what it is going to be like, or what is going to happen, I’m just gonna go up there and hang with family and strangers, and hopefully make new friends and other things…

Dreams….I use to remember my dreams often and in detail. Every single moment and every single incident that would happen in the dream, I could recall it so perfectly. But as I moved down here, my dreams seem to be a arm length away, just out of grasp. They whither in the ether fading away so silently and so out of mind. Maybe it’s because I don’t find the time to jot down my dreams anymore, dissect it to the meaning of the day, the week, the month…Just maybe…

But recently, I have been able to remember most of my dreams. Recently they play so perfectly like little movies in my head, so clear and so weird. Offbeat is a term I would use to describe the brain movies I play every night. Offbeat Brain Movies.

As of late, my dreams seem to be full of people, they seem to be full of family. Why is it that I’m dreaming of family all of a sudden? When did it start?

I still remember during my days of lost and confusion…my younger days as I would like to put it…my dreams are of me lost in a sea of people, keeping my distance and not interacting. I’ll roam and wander, in search of something that I do not know what I’m searching for or why I’m searching for it. I go to and fro in search, wandering aimlessly with a purpose that is beyond my comprehension. I wander and wander, walk and walk. I was an outsider watching the people interact as I keep my distance.

I use to be monsters, victims; chased and killed…I was just a lost junkie in a world where things aren’t easily found.

Even in my dreams, I seem to be the odd ball out, going in a different direction as everyone else is going. I go right as everyone else goes left. It was very literal that way. Very. I always go my own way, I always am independent…alone…my life. That’s me. Alone and on my own, independent of everyone and all things.

Now, it just seems that I am surrounded by family. Family this and family that. We aren’t doing much together, but just hanging out. We’ll just talk and do stuff…I’m still not sure about the details, but I just know for sure that I’m around family a lot.

Now whether this means that I miss family or what not, I’m not really sure. I just know I dream about them.

I don’t remember if I wrote about this before, but my father frequents my dreams a lot. He’ll just be there in the back ground, just watching me, keeping out of the interactions, just keeping his distance.

I think it started a few months after he passed away. I would see him in my dreams. I remember my mom asking me if I saw my dad in my dreams. I would say no, because at that time he didn’t show up. She would ask if he said anything in the dreams…again, no he didn’t. He kept his distance like a stranger watching what is going to happen next. He kept his distance like I would keep my distance in my own dreams.

At first, he wouldn’t say anything to me. Not a word. Even when I’m talking to him, he wouldn’t say anything. He would stand there like a ghost, not interacting, but just watching my every movement. Slowly he would start to say things. I’m not sure what he would say. I honestly can’t remember, but I just remember him talking to me. Whether it was heartfelt or meaningful, I don’t remember.

I remember in one of my earlier dreams with my father, he was driving my family and I to somewhere. I would ask him where we were going, but he would never respond. He’d always keep silent. Distant like he’s been all his life. Just distant.

But now things are different. I still have residuals of him being in my dreams, but again, I don’t remember as clearly anymore. I still remember him talking to me, just interacting.

It just brings back memories to how we were while he was here. How growing up, he was always distant, but yet warm at the same time. Now, I don’t want to say that we were a warm family of hugs and kisses. No, we weren’t. We just don’t do that, not at all. But it was strange, ever since I moved down, I could always expect a weekly phone call from him. Just a genuine “hi, how are you doing?” type of thing from him. That’s what I missed, our connection that came so late.

That had been what I’ve always wanted between my family and I. The genuine connection of just talking about anything, our feelings and such. It just seems that we never did that while growing up. Maybe that’s why I have been dreaming about my family so often. Maybe it is just that the connection is there finally.

Now it is with my mom and her calls. She worries about me, I know…I could tell from her voice, as she would call me.

But there are the dreams as of late. Family. I dream of family and just being with them, just hanging out and not doing anything like what family is supposed to do. Just be there and not do anything and be perfectly all right with it. There’s no sense of awkwardness and not fitting in. It just is.

But thinking about it…what are dreams? Are they just synapses firing and firing like our eyes are creating images of the things we see but only in our sleep? Are they just functions of the brain interpreting the firing synapses in our sleep? Are they meaningless interpretations of firing synapses or are they something more? Are they our subconscious telling us what we need to do and explain to us what is on our mind?

I fall in both camps when it comes to interpreting dreams because sometimes dreams are so surreal and so incomprehensible that I can’t find meaning in these random images that flow together in a nonsensical narrative. But other times, my earlier days, my younger days…I believe that there is meaning in these dreams. I would write and interpret and analyze each dream and finding the ultimate message each dream is trying to tell me.

I did find an answer to most of my dreams. They all follow a similar theme. I was lost, not knowing where to go, not knowing what to do or what I’m looking for. I just wander and wander like Cain in his Kung Fu journey. That was the general theme I would have.

I would be so alone, running away from the people and the world around me. Feeling like the weakless victim, being killed by the aliens and the strange things I do not understand. I am an outcast, hence I am the monster in my dreams, always running and running from people and strangers that seem to come in droves and droves.

I was always alone, working my on my own, working my own mojo. Going to places and making decisions that no one will make.

But now, things are different. I fit in. I am with family, I am interacting, I am never alone. I am never chased, I am relaxed, being whoever I am. I’m not in an endless search for something that I don’t know what I’m looking for. I am found and comfortable with who I am and what I’m doing. I am found.

My dreams reflect that. Dreams are a reflection of our lives. Dreams are a replay of the major events that happen in our life; dreams are a replay of our mental health.

I am healthy. It is healthy to miss family, especially when you aren’t surrounded by family. It is healthy to be with people and be comfortable around them. It is healthy to socialize and to interact. It is healthy to feel happy about the situation you are in, not to feel any anxiety or fear. I am a healthy soul connected to the world.

Maybe I’m in a dream now, sitting here at my new coffee spot with this free internet typing my thoughts away, typing my dreams away. I’m just typing about the things that are on my consciousness listening to the words nothing’s gonna change my world.

These words ring so true. nothing’s going to change my world. Nothing. My world is just this and it is what I make it to be and everything I make my world to be is just is. It will always be the same because it is what I want it to be and it is the thing that is offered to me. If things comes along they are things that are meant to come along.

So I sit here typing away in this dream state, typing away. I would look up and study my surroundings. The yummy blueberry cheese swirl that is behind the glass case or my empty regular ice vanilla latte. I just sit here just typing away because I cannot do anything else but type. I can’t stop because I don’t want to stop and don’t want to hinder this stream of conscious rant I am going with.

I look up in search of the cute brunette that served me with my ice drink but she’s nowhere to be seen. I only see the blonde guy that took my money. The other lonely man with his headphones has his attention in front of his computer, taking in the free internet that this place offers. The two men that just came in sit and talk about things I do not know for my music is drowning out their conversation.

Oh sweet hot brunette, where are you at?

I just sit and type, sit and type, sit and type like I usually do, going with the flow as I do best.

I dreamed of a blonde last night and we flirted and made plans to do the deed but it was all spoiled by family being in the situation so we postponed it. I don’t remember you clearly, but you were blonde and attractive in my eyes. We made plans that got spoiled but in the end, all things worked out.

I was to take you to the Farmer’s Market on Fairfax and you gave me protection for the dirty deed that we planned to do. I grabbed your ass and you proclaim I am a typical male that I so proudly believe myself to be. But then all is lost because it was time for me to wake up and go to work and deal with the daily grind.

Is this dream connected to the dream that my neighbor had. She dreamed of me; me of all people she dreamed. It was a Monday so she said, or maybe a Tuesday, it was the first day of work after a weekend, she was sure of that.

I told her about my sexcapdes during the weekend and my general enthusiasm of all things sex. I had sex. I was no longer a virgin and I was happy go lucky as any guy who got lucky should be. She laughed as she told me this story, her big smile as she said I got laid.

I joked with her, telling her that she “dreamed of me”. Oh how we play, how we jest. She then went on to proclaim that she’s a psychic…seeing the pregnancy of her cousin or her aunt, I’m not sure, but a relative of hers. She proclaims that she’s a psychic. Does this mean that she’s a psychic in this realm? I’m not sure.

But again, I dreamed last night that I made plans to get laid. Does this have anything to do with her dream or is it just my separate dream? I believe that it is a separate dream about the dream that she had..me forcing the situation at hand to come true. Now whether it will happen, I’m not sure. Knowing me, writing it here, bringing these thoughts to voice, bring these dreams to heart, it will never come true.

So I sit here still wanting to steal another look at the coffee girl, who just came out as I typed my wish and disappeared again. How strange and weird..How the timing just works in mysterious ways.

We were alone at first, striking up small talk about how quiet it is here. “They come in spurts” as she tells me about Friday night business, but then she went on making my coffee. I wasn’t engaging enough. I keep my distance, mysterious and quiet. Lost in thought.

It’s been a quiet and uneventful night of me writing as I should be, but not working as I need to be. It’s just my slow process of getting back into the grove.

What does it mean to find the girl in my dreams? What does it mean? Who is it actually?

There are so many strangers that appear in my dreams. Girls that I don’t recognize or don’t ever remember meeting. Not even girls I just see while walking down the street. I don’t know how my imagination, my dreams pick these lovely ladies that come across my dreams.

Now the blonde, maybe it is the “fizzler” that I had no chemistry with. She was blonde, that’s all I know, but she never said that she would do me good. We talked and then it was over…that’s how things are in my life. We talk and things are over. They find me a bore, they find me unexciting, like I really am. They see me who I really am.

I really do wonder how many people actually see me for who I really am? Am I really the guy that comes out to play with Isela or am I some other guy and she’s the only one that brings out that side of me? I wonder who I really am. It’s strange, one would think that I know, considering I got myself together. One would think that. One would know. But I really don’t know.

So I just sit here, as she just wanders around, studying, thinking about what she needs to get down before the night is over. I sit here as they approach closing and I just type away and type away and type away…

Blonde. Blonde. Blonde. Who can it be? Who can be that dream girl that I’m thinking of? Maybe it’s someone I haven’t met. Maybe it’ll be a complete stranger that will make herself visible when she makes herself visible…maybe at a wedding.

Looking ahead, I just go with the flow, do the things I need to do and live the life that I have been living. Looking ahead, I can’t for my payday because I am honestly broke, not having the money I feel comfortable with so I can actually live.

Where should I start, where should I go? What story should I tell? The one about the current situation, being married to a total stranger and being forced to connect with her because of the connection that we have…or should it be the one where I died because of a girl and am now living in a perpetual hell of bliss and heartache? I cannot decide, but a part of me wants me to tell the story that will put closure to my current situation and I know I need to do that soon. I think I will.

Lemon Poppyseed Cake. Brownies. Are they the special kind?

I’ve been in a rare state these past couple of months. Many notice, but I do have my spurts because it is hard to ditch nature..but I’ve been very happy go lucky lately…especially at work. It all started when I just decided to do what I must do and start building a shield and take things for what they are and not treat them so seriously. I’m not taking things and not taking matters to heart, because I know I can’t. Things aren’t going to happen, but I could at least enjoy it while I can, just until I find a replacement.

Things always happen for a reason. Things always happen because they need to happen. Am I starting to believe in fate again…I don’t know…but I think I’ve always believe that things happen for a reason. I’ve always believe that things happen because things happen like that. There is no way around it. There is no way around it.

I am not god. I can’t control the life that is around me. I can’t dictate the events that haven’t happen yet. I am merely a bystander going along and reacting to the events that happen. Whether I had a part in creating those events or just merely a spectator…I just accept it as things that need to happen.

Brunette. Brunette. Brunette. (Just to be fair)

I’ve decided that there is no point in being someone I am not. Just be me and if someone doesn’t appreciate it or if someone doesn’t find it attractive, than that is how things should be. They should find who I am, this jackass funny man, attractive and that is how it should be. There’s no point in me changing who I am for the sake of being with some one. Because in the end, things are just going to explode in my face, and I’m just not a big fan of things exploding in my face.

It’s funny, the things I do just to stretch the imagination, things I do just to stretch time. I’m just typing and typing, coming up with things that keep my interest and the interest of my imaginary audience.

This is nice. This is really nice. Just sitting out here around people and typing. But I know for sure I wouldn’t be able to work around people this way. I wouldn’t be able to do the work I need to do if I am so easily distracted by the things that surround me. This is place is only for the blog in me. This is the place for the stream of conscious writing that I do often.

There are just things to keep my interest and things to write about in an area like this. The lounger, the guy formerly known as “the other lonely guy with headphones enjoying the free internet” is now laying across on the sofa, surfing the web or watching something on his laptop. I wonder why is it that he comes out here when he has nothing to do? Does he need the sense of social contact, the surrounding people or is it the free internet that grasp his attention?

I came out here because of the free internet. I could post this posting here and now, here and now without having to redo my connection at home.

I might just be up all night with the caffeine that I had, at such a late hour too. I wonder how long would I last. Would I be able to sleep the lovely sleep that I love so dearly?

What is it that I need to do this weekend? All I know is that I can’t spend any money because I have no money to spend. Tonight will be the last night where there will be any spending because that is what I said I would do. Whether that will actually be true, I have for the life of me no idea.

It is just funny how I am trying to connect with some people that I’ve lost along the way. It’s all because of my flaw of not keeping in touch that we’ve lost touch. One who came tumbling and one who I use to flirt with. I’ve emailed them both, but haven’t receive any notification or acknowledgement that they care to respond.

Tomorrow will be a night where I will be working on the work that needs to get done. No more excuses as to why I’m not working, but I’m just going to sit down and work. I have no fear at how bad the writing will be. I will just write because I need to jump-start this dream again.

This is my dream. This is my dream. Sitting here writing. Sitting here writing. This is my dream. This is my dream. My how many directions and interpretations that that simple sentence brings. This is my dream.

I think I should end it on that note. It’s just so pitch perfect. This is my dream.

When asked why it is that I’m single, I just and stare at her eyes. I look as if I’m thinking, contemplating the answer as if it is lost deep in the heart of my soul…I kill myself trying to think of the answer.

The answer is at the tip of my tongue but I still play along like I don’t know. I play because it is the part of the game. I play because that’s the reason why I’m still single. It’s all in the game; it’s all in the chase.

Oh, the little glances, the slight touches, the little jokes that we play on each other. It’s the connection and the chemistry that draws me in. It’s the flirting that gets my blood boiling. What’s the point when you get what you want and the games start to end? Where would the fun be? It’s a dangerous game of heartache and pain, but it’s a game that I play willingly.

Things have been going strange lately. The games we play, the glances and the talks we have just doesn’t have that little flare that it had before. Something is missing between us and I can’t place it.

Maybe it’s my attempts at distancing myself, detaching myself from the situations at hand. We go about our business the same as usual but the pizzazz isn’t there anymore. The small touches are short and less between; the jokes are less funny and impersonal. Things are going about in a half assed way. I guess that’s how things are meant to be. I guess that’s how things should be. It’s progress.

So it goes and goes as I try to find a new subject for me to try new things with…and the search goes and goes. I thought I had a possibility by apparently the chemicals didn’t react quite as well as it could. The reaction wasn’t nearly as reactionary as the NaCl should be. It fizzled and as two bases are put together into the mix. It just was DOA.

We talked and played the usual games of catch-up and “hi, how do you do’s?” as two strangers usually do, but it was just that. Two distant strangers that were distant in their proximity of the other…on a mobile device that just transmits our voice to the other and we have to go to our imaginations from the pixels that were uploaded to get a view of who we were.

I imagined you tall and sweet, pale and blonde, with baby blues that your photo presented. I wonder which one you thought of me with…the “cute smile” you so proclaimed…the one from Sacramento I bet.

I wonder what it was that made you decide to fizzle what was what? I wonder what it was that made you think things will never work out the way things would go? I just wonder? Why end it the way that you did without giving it more time?

You said that there wasn’t any chemistry? How can there be chemistry when the chemicals weren’t given sufficient time to interact? You even said so yourself that chemistry can be found given time…One single night for 26 minutes surely isn’t enough time to make a reaction.

Was Bradley right in his assessment that your cat-napper came back into your life with the cat you so loved? But I do agree with Bradley in the assessment that chemistry is from a physical thing. It most definitely is.

The little touches, the glances, the smell, the physical attraction that just get the hormones, the pheromones, the chemistry as you so proclaim will start to react together and then, voila…chemistry ensues. But again, the formula doesn’t because there was very little mixing and very little agitation that was much needed for a chemical reaction to start.

But I guess that’s how things go. I guess that’s how life is. A series of miss connections and miss moments…two strangers trying to make a connection that ends up to become nothing because one or the other or both find that things just aren’t working out the way that it should work out. Life….that’s how it goes.

So I go on and on in my endless search and rescue of the things that needs to be searched and rescued. Whether it is another stranger or whether is someone that I already crossed paths with. Life is a mystery that way.

Maybe I’m just too nice in my ways and people find that too safe? Maybe that’s it…like me and another stranger of the night. I took you home as you wished because it was the nice thing to do, and besides I had nothing else going on. We sat and talked as I drove you to your place of business and residence. We talked and I thought. I’m sure you thought whatever it is that crossed your mind about me, about life, about you also. I guess that’s how things happen.

You brought out your pet, so stuffed and artificial and you gave it life that only you can see. A feline that you mistaken to be a canine. My mind starts to process who you are already. My mind starts running of locations of the nearest hospitals..but it comes to a lost because I don’t know many…especially psychiatric ones.

Sure you proclaimed that you loved it..because it never shits or it never pisses, it doesn’t eat, it doesn’t shed, it always listens, and it is huggable….and many other things that you love about it so much….and I’m thinking..you are fucking crazy. It’s a inanimate stuffed animal that you have there. All I said to you was that it was “cute”.

“Good” is what you said when I said I didn’t have a girlfriend…because I then could talk to you freely…but where were you going with that? Apparently nowhere. When you describe your ideal man, the prestige, the level of power and business pizzazz..the name that you want him to have and that you want him to make for himself…all I thought was about the treasures you will reap from him. I then thought that things will never be between us, because I have nothing that you were looking for and I’m not a man who is interested in leaches.

So I just sat there, paying attention to the road and keeping up the conversation because all in all, it was just awkward for me to take a stranger home and just sit there in silence until I get you there.

Now, that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t go into your place if you asked. I surely would. Why? a friend of mine asked when I was recounting this harrowing tale of servitude and intrigue…and I just say for the experience of things. I would have done it too and if things progress to where I’m given an opportunity to take her fruit in which she’s giving so freely, I will savor every bite and then move on like the man in Passion Fruit.

Is that what I’ve become, this unattached pariah that goes about lusting for whoever that is unfortunate to come along? I know I haven’t done anything yet, but will I ever go there? I don’t now. I honestly can say that I don’t know.

Another friend was disappointed when I told her about my still lingering feelings about my neighbor, so disappointed in me she was. She even went ahead and believed that I would most definitely try something if the opportunity presented itself with her…and I assured her that I wouldn’t, because honestly..I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t go there unless she is available and from the looks of things, it’s not going to be ever be possible for me to go there. Again, the slow detached formalities of our relationship is taking over in our daily lives and routines. We do it because it has become routine too.

I’m sure I’ve been dropped a few notches in this friend’s book, but I don’t care. Bradley got it right…I only do it because it is safe. I know it isn’t going to go anywhere and I get the pleasure of what I want. It’s a win win situation for all parties. It’s safe. safe. safe.

Given the time when this little experiment that I’m trying is over, I don’t know where things will go from there. Whether I will continue on with the experiment or just treat it like what it is…an experiment that once it is finished, it is finished and I have served my curiosity and I will forever just wander the world listless like I’m use to do.

I’ve never even asked for pixels of my current and only connection now that the other deem our reaction is not mixing. I’ll just let things go and go until it is time for me to take the next step and see how she wants to play this. It is all in my right to ask for her pixels, I have every right as my pixels are shown for all to see. Maybe she wants to build up a connection first, maybe she wants me to see what is inside of her first then work outside. Who knows? Females, the non-understandable kind.

There just comes a point where I just don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing in these little games and escapades because I’m just so inexperienced at it. Maybe I should just take the advice that I often give and just let things flow like the H2O (a common chemistry resultant, by the way). Just let things flow like water and adapt to whatever it is that comes my way.

Don’t force things because they will surely break over time. Just let things go. Just let things go. Don’t even try.

I don’t know where my destiny lie. I don’t know what road I’m gonna take. I don’t know much about the blank slate that is in front of me. All I know is that I work well alone. All I know is that I don’t mind the independence and the freedom of doing things myself. It’s just I’m human and I wouldn’t mind getting a benefits for all I’ve done.

But I guess some times, life just doesn’t happen that way. I guess sometimes, we all can’t get what we want. Life just goes and I just have to let it go wherever the wind blows. I’m like the feather in Forrest Gump, floating to the lyrical melodies, being blown about by the wind of nature, taking my time to go wherever it is that I need to go and just go there for the sake of going there.

I just sit and watch as things go about and just trying to make things right, but all in all things only happen after Playing by Heart. Talking about love is like, dancing about architecture. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. It’s just things that you can’t explain and it’s just things that happen. We can’t explain it…we can’t talk about it…we just have to let it happen.

Like the one that base that mixed with my basic self…she decided to close what we started and I just have to let that happen and not think about it because that is what needs to happen in life.

Sometimes I do rack my brain about those that were lost, those connections that I’ve made during a few hours and then we move on. For instance, the one from Eugene…I don’t know her name is for sure, but I was told that there was one that shares the name of a famous tennis star that isn’t a planet. She thought I was hot. If it is her, I certainly thought she was. A single child, growing up in Oregon and moving down here to live her own life like I did. But, again, where is she now, moved on and a distant memory. I had a great time with her that day, she standing and me lounging, just talking and getting to know her. Things just came easy between us for some reason. At least that is what I remembered.

I wonder would she recognize me now if I pass her by? I doubt it. What does all this mean? All these connections that just come and go? What does it all mean? Opportunities that present itself and then disappear like the mist in the sky…maybe it is just hints and clues that is trying to drill itself into my stubborn brain. I need to act. I need to move. I just need to do.

But as far as I know, my search just goes and goes until I find another to flirt with. Until then, until then…