Sitting on the bench, just watching the cycling clothes spin and spin, I thought of you. I thought of the clothes you wear, the polos, the shirts, the jeans you fit. I thought of you. That was the last time I thought of you that way.

Now with the officiality of whatever you want to coin it brought to my attention, I can look at you, I can think of you, I can see you in a different light. There are no use for the thoughts I had before, for they were just a fevered dream of wanting. Now I look at you like I do everyone else. You are just a face in the crowd, chucked into my past trophies.

From what I saw and what you told me and what transpired on our last day, I just came to realize it’s better to let things be. There is no use in pursuing something that cannot be caught. None. Why chase an imaginary elusive legendary creature when you know deep inside your heart it doesn’t exist. If it doesn’t exist, it cannot be caught. So there’s no point in lingering on those thoughts and fantasies of obtaining the unobtainable.

The chase will always be in the back of my mind. The times will always be there, buried deep under the new found relationship that I must live with you. But soon, they will be long lost like the others before you. Out of sight, out of mind.

There’s nothing like seeing him to make things so definite. There’s just nothing like seeing him to make me turn off these feelings I have like a light that doesn’t need to be on. Seeing him just makes it more real.

Now I just sit here like I usually do, thinking about what else to jot down in this little walk down memory lane. I just sit here, thinking of you for the last time before I see you again in a different light.

I wonder how you see me now after that unfaithful night? I wonder do you hate me for defying your requests? I wonder did I hurt you when I grabbed you just a little too hard. I apologize if I did. I just wonder how you see me now, now that I know?

It’s just funny for me for this should have happened a long time ago when I first found out. There shouldn’t be these feelings and these bouts of flirtation that lingers in the air as we are speaking to each other. Things like these should never happen, but yet, they always find their way to my doorstep. Just funny.

Now I just sit and ponder what will become of us and what will become of me? As I come to a decision on what to do with my future or just what to do in this realm? As of now, I still don’t have an answer.

Sure I’ve been looking for different alternatives, for different prospects, but they are always never so easy as it was with you and I . Things just clicked and I guess that is what I get with things that just click. They get clicked off just as easily.

Watching the sun go behind the mountain far ahead, I have no desire to look for an alternative. I have no desire to chase the dream that I hold dear in my heart. I just have no desire but to let things be and to get even more comfortable with this life that I am already living.

Come to think of it, I’m just tired of all these games that we all have to play to get what we want. Nothing is ever so simple. I guess that’s why we cherish it more when we have it in our grasp.

I’ll just chalk this one up to another misconnection that I had. No, that wouldn’t be fair. It was definitely a connection, but it wasn’t missed. It was just one of those that came too early or transpired too late. Given the situation, I think it just came too late. A year and a half late.

There’s just no use in pondering what I should have, because it’ll just make me miss it more and want it more. And there’s just no point in doing that to myself. No, no point at all. So I just sit as usual and just try not to think about it, but of course the more I try not to think about it, the more I think about it.

I resigned myself to the fact that it’s all about timing and I have no rhythm to keep sync with the passing time. Time just ticks by and by, on and on, and leaves me behind to forever catch up. Until the time I catch up with time, I just sit and tick away at my own speed.

This is the clearest I’ve seen in a long while. With the assistance of artificial tears, things are crystal. I see now what is before me. I see all obstacles in my way. I see what I must do. It’s never been clearer.

Things are not so bad as I keep telling everyone. They just aren’t so bad at all. I’m just free to do whatever it is that I want to do, no questions asked.

Billowy smoke blows out of a stack and slowly dissipates into the surrounding air. Like memories, it just fades away into the atmosphere, never to be relived again.

Calm and nonchalant about the whole thing. I’ve never felt this way before. Tears wanted to fall when things finally sunk in, but they never rolled. I don’t know if it is because I didn’t let them or if it just doesn’t deserve them. I can never figure it out and I never will for it is in the past and I need to focus on the here and now. I need to focus on the silent typing of the keys. I need to focus on my thoughts that I am jotting down now.

Thinking about things that sting me the most, I just don’t understand why you make the decisions you do. I have no idea what it is that goes through you mind or I have no idea what it is that you think of me.

I tried and asked to get some things from you, but you give it away so freely to a stranger. Maybe it’s because you see the stranger as cute and you do not see the same in me. I could only assume, but no matter, things are done and over with anyway. No point in asking, no point in wondering, no point in wanting it.

I stare out into the darkening city and see the lights grow in luminosity guiding the way for those who cannot see. It brings forth hope to the bleak mysterious dark future that lies ahead. But shouldn’t we all have faith in the mysteries that are solved with each passing second? I think we should.

As the song goes, Goodbye to You, but there is nothing to hold on to. There is nothing to hold on to at all. All will go down to the memories of the dissipating smoke that I am so familiar with. There’s just nothing there anymore, nothing left to hold on to. Nothing.

Any chemistry that was between us were false reactions that turns lead into fools gold…just coloring on the outside. There’s no alchemy between us, nothing changed. You are you and I am I.

With more time, the orange haze that lights the distant horizon will slowly fade into the dark night like the flames that we shared together. They will be suffocated by the impossibility that is us and will die where it lies.

I don’t know what kind of fate that my palm has destined me to live, but I wonder if it will transpire the way that it was told to me. I’ve been fooled by these “magic” words many times now and sometimes I just have to decide when to stop listening to them.

Gone gone and away as the Earth turns more and more away from the sun, blanketing us with the darkness that the night is so accustomed too. Turn turn turn.

In a few moments I will be alone like I usually am. No one will be here on this bridge but me and it will be a closing on another chapter of my life. Another chapter titled by the latest connection. It will be forever finished in a book that doesn’t allow you to flip back and reread what happened. Will this book ever end?

Alone.

Like The Grapes of Wrath, following the last chapter will be a chapter that is outside the main storyline. It will be about the mundane life that everyone lives, nothing spectacular, nothing special. It’ll just be a chapter describing how someone like me lives and how I go about my day. When will it end? Who knows. Maybe until the next connection, or it may never end at all. That’s the thing about these kind of books.

These words will do me justice for the things that I must say. There is no need for private words that usually haunt this empty space. Not tonight, and not about this. Reading this whenever in a time that has not come, I believe I can make out what it is about.