Here I am. It’s been a while, but here I am. I’m at home. I’m at home.

It feels so strange to type that. I’m at home. In actuality, I’m not at home. Well, technically I’m at the neighborhood Tully’s in Federal Way, Washington, but I’m home. My sweet mother and brother now lives in Federal Way. So, I guess this is my home away from home. My second home in another state. Federal Way, Washington. And, I just have to say, I love it.

It’s a large, beautiful house. BEAUTIFUL! I want a house to call my own, but unfortunately, I cannot afford one down in the City of Angels. It seems you need to be a Saint to get one or be filthy rich. I’m neither.

Being back up here, I’m loving it already. The scenery, the water, the green. Did I mention the GREEN. The weather has been lovely these past few days. Clear and hot. It’s a beautiful state. A magnificent state. It’s my home away from home.

I haven’t thought about it in a while. It’s been since early 2003 that I thought about moving back here. Back to Washington. Ever since my father passed away, I pushed that thought away from my mind and never thought about it again. Coming back didn’t bring those thoughts back, no. I’ll just let it lay where they lay for now. Besides, it isn’t like it is a long flight back home. It’s not. Just a mere two-and-a-half hours away. Not a long flight at all. So I guess I could comeback whenever I have the time and whenever I feel homesick. I might make it back for the holidays after all. Maybe.

I’ve been mostly chilling with family ever since I’ve gotten back. This is my first time venturing out on my own since I’ve gotten back. This here, is my first alone time. Sitting here in the morning of the anniversary of America’s Independence…this is my first time on my own. It’s great.

It’s the 4th today, so that means that there’s going to be a BBQ today. It’ll be great. A large family get together of catching up and laughing and joking. It’ll be like old times. Unfortunately, not all family is here, but that is all right. That is quite all right. I think I got enough to deal with for now.

There just seems like a whole different vibe up here…especially with family. Maybe it’s just me and my refusal to grow up…or should I say the inability to grow up, but there’s just this vibe up here. I’m not going to lie and say that Washington doesn’t have that grow up and settle down vibe, it does…but I am feeling it more and more as the days progress. Everyone is looking for houses, everyone is looking to settle down. maybe it just comes with age and I’m one of the youngest in my generation. Or maybe everyone else seems to have things figured out, so they don’t need to go on their own little soul search. Maybe……

Am I ready to settle down? Maybe. I don’t think I’ll mind. It’s more about finding someone, and I haven’t even been looking. Not at all. Though family’s been asking and friends been pushing me to go out and meet these quote unquote ladies…I just haven’t. I don’t know what it is that I’m afraid of…actually, that’s a lie. I do know what it is that I’m afraid of. I guess for me, I just don’t know what to expect if I do delve into a relationship. I could imagine what it would be…times of sunshine and happiness and others of frustrations and just plain not understanding. I guess deep down, it also is that I might lose my independence. That innate fear of losing it.

I just have this image of being tied down and doing everything together…and in a sense, that is great, but also, coming from a person who wanted to be out on his own since he was 16…kind of hard to just throw all that away. Plus that I have no game.

No, in all seriousness, I am pretty much a loner. I know no one likes to hear the demented glorifications of being a loner…but it’s just nice. I do most things on my own. I write, I go shopping, hiking (whenever I get a chance), photography…etc, I’m just a loner. I just don’t know how to interact and socialize with people. Not at all. I do better being alone. Maybe when time comes for me to settle down and be with someone, maybe then things will change. Hopefully.

I still remember one of my fondest memories. It was during the summer between my Freshman and Sophomore year of college. I got a cashier job at Bartell Drugs and it was just me alone in the apartment throughout the summer, working and coming home. It was fantastic. I loved it. Though I didn’t go out and socialize, but I just loved that feeling of being on my own, paying my own bills, just taking care of my self. It was my frist taste to independence, away from my parents’ watchful eyes.

Sometimes there’ll be flashes of me cooking dinner, me working, flirting with the girls at work….it was a great time for me. It was a time no different than what they are now, but the only thing that has changed is that I’m socializing more…and I guess that’s a good thing, a natural progress in my life I suppose.

The summer at The Zoo Store is also a fantastic one. Though I wasn’t alone in Seattle that summer…my brother was also there….but it was fantastic none the less. Working, paying my own bills, and just socializing and flirting with the girls at work like always. It was just a great time.

I know that I’m a fickle person. Very fickle, and I usually get bored with things very quickly, hence focusing on a particular script or story is a chore to me…never finishing. I just wonder when I will be bored with my existence now and need to find a new outlet, a new lifestyle. Maybe then, I will be serious of finding someone…but again, why should I need to find someone. Shouldn’t things just happen? I think I’ll just stick to that philosophy, just let things happen. I think I’ve been good at it for the past 26 years…why force it?

It’s not like I haven’t been trying…albeit only half-assed, but I’m trying. I don’t know…I’ve been searching the online ads, so on and so forth. If a ad strikes my fancy, I would reply..but there are no answers. I guess my writing just isn’t as savvy as I think it is. Darn…

“Don’t take things personally.” Isela lent me a book a couple of months ago, and one of its motto is “Don’t take things personally.” I’ve getting better at that…just let things slide off of my shoulders and try not to make “assumptions”. Another one of the books mottos. Just don’t make assumptions. If you want to clear things up, ask questions.

I’m at a point in my life where I lost any strong feelings for her. It’s gone. I’ve moved on, as I should. That is something that would not last, and that is something that I shouldn’t be wishing for. She has something marvelous going for her. She has something that she truly deserve and she’s not looking for anything else. Sure we have great chemistry, flirt a lot and have different viewpoints in life. She doesn’t understand me, and I understand her just a tad. It makes for great fun, but all in all…it’s over. Overall, that is that.

I think that’s why I’ve been in such a chipper mood for the past couple of weeks or maybe a month and a half. After I made that decision not to flirt with her as much, not to touch her, and just to keep our relationships just as “friends”. I think that’s when things changed for me. It has to be that way. She knows how I feel about her, and that should be all I can do right now. The rest is up to here if she so decides.

I think also the running helped me get back to being in a better mood…exerting energy and whatnot. I guess. Also, the sleeping earlier. I’m not as grouchy at work anymore to the relief of my coworkers. But I’m sure that when Wednesday rolls around, no one would want me to be there. I’ll be tired and grumpy. I’ll probably kill someone. I might just put money on that one.

I’m not going to lie and say that my life is all roses and sunshine right now. It’s far from perfect and it will never be. Perfection doesn’t exist. But I do have to say that things are great right now. Absolutely fantabulous. Just Fantabulous.

So I’m home away from home, writing my life away, writing my morning away. Just watching the cars roll by, watching the people get their drug of choice. The daily injections rushing through their veins, my veins, increasing the heartbeat, stimulating the body, the mind…giving a jolt of sweet euphoria. Just shooting up like any other day.