Sitting on the bench, just watching the cycling clothes spin and spin, I thought of you. I thought of the clothes you wear, the polos, the shirts, the jeans you fit. I thought of you. That was the last time I thought of you that way.

Now with the officiality of whatever you want to coin it brought to my attention, I can look at you, I can think of you, I can see you in a different light. There are no use for the thoughts I had before, for they were just a fevered dream of wanting. Now I look at you like I do everyone else. You are just a face in the crowd, chucked into my past trophies.

From what I saw and what you told me and what transpired on our last day, I just came to realize it’s better to let things be. There is no use in pursuing something that cannot be caught. None. Why chase an imaginary elusive legendary creature when you know deep inside your heart it doesn’t exist. If it doesn’t exist, it cannot be caught. So there’s no point in lingering on those thoughts and fantasies of obtaining the unobtainable.

The chase will always be in the back of my mind. The times will always be there, buried deep under the new found relationship that I must live with you. But soon, they will be long lost like the others before you. Out of sight, out of mind.

There’s nothing like seeing him to make things so definite. There’s just nothing like seeing him to make me turn off these feelings I have like a light that doesn’t need to be on. Seeing him just makes it more real.

Now I just sit here like I usually do, thinking about what else to jot down in this little walk down memory lane. I just sit here, thinking of you for the last time before I see you again in a different light.

I wonder how you see me now after that unfaithful night? I wonder do you hate me for defying your requests? I wonder did I hurt you when I grabbed you just a little too hard. I apologize if I did. I just wonder how you see me now, now that I know?

It’s just funny for me for this should have happened a long time ago when I first found out. There shouldn’t be these feelings and these bouts of flirtation that lingers in the air as we are speaking to each other. Things like these should never happen, but yet, they always find their way to my doorstep. Just funny.

Now I just sit and ponder what will become of us and what will become of me? As I come to a decision on what to do with my future or just what to do in this realm? As of now, I still don’t have an answer.

Sure I’ve been looking for different alternatives, for different prospects, but they are always never so easy as it was with you and I . Things just clicked and I guess that is what I get with things that just click. They get clicked off just as easily.

Watching the sun go behind the mountain far ahead, I have no desire to look for an alternative. I have no desire to chase the dream that I hold dear in my heart. I just have no desire but to let things be and to get even more comfortable with this life that I am already living.

Come to think of it, I’m just tired of all these games that we all have to play to get what we want. Nothing is ever so simple. I guess that’s why we cherish it more when we have it in our grasp.

I’ll just chalk this one up to another misconnection that I had. No, that wouldn’t be fair. It was definitely a connection, but it wasn’t missed. It was just one of those that came too early or transpired too late. Given the situation, I think it just came too late. A year and a half late.

There’s just no use in pondering what I should have, because it’ll just make me miss it more and want it more. And there’s just no point in doing that to myself. No, no point at all. So I just sit as usual and just try not to think about it, but of course the more I try not to think about it, the more I think about it.

I resigned myself to the fact that it’s all about timing and I have no rhythm to keep sync with the passing time. Time just ticks by and by, on and on, and leaves me behind to forever catch up. Until the time I catch up with time, I just sit and tick away at my own speed.

This is the clearest I’ve seen in a long while. With the assistance of artificial tears, things are crystal. I see now what is before me. I see all obstacles in my way. I see what I must do. It’s never been clearer.

Things are not so bad as I keep telling everyone. They just aren’t so bad at all. I’m just free to do whatever it is that I want to do, no questions asked.

Billowy smoke blows out of a stack and slowly dissipates into the surrounding air. Like memories, it just fades away into the atmosphere, never to be relived again.

Calm and nonchalant about the whole thing. I’ve never felt this way before. Tears wanted to fall when things finally sunk in, but they never rolled. I don’t know if it is because I didn’t let them or if it just doesn’t deserve them. I can never figure it out and I never will for it is in the past and I need to focus on the here and now. I need to focus on the silent typing of the keys. I need to focus on my thoughts that I am jotting down now.

Thinking about things that sting me the most, I just don’t understand why you make the decisions you do. I have no idea what it is that goes through you mind or I have no idea what it is that you think of me.

I tried and asked to get some things from you, but you give it away so freely to a stranger. Maybe it’s because you see the stranger as cute and you do not see the same in me. I could only assume, but no matter, things are done and over with anyway. No point in asking, no point in wondering, no point in wanting it.

I stare out into the darkening city and see the lights grow in luminosity guiding the way for those who cannot see. It brings forth hope to the bleak mysterious dark future that lies ahead. But shouldn’t we all have faith in the mysteries that are solved with each passing second? I think we should.

As the song goes, Goodbye to You, but there is nothing to hold on to. There is nothing to hold on to at all. All will go down to the memories of the dissipating smoke that I am so familiar with. There’s just nothing there anymore, nothing left to hold on to. Nothing.

Any chemistry that was between us were false reactions that turns lead into fools gold…just coloring on the outside. There’s no alchemy between us, nothing changed. You are you and I am I.

With more time, the orange haze that lights the distant horizon will slowly fade into the dark night like the flames that we shared together. They will be suffocated by the impossibility that is us and will die where it lies.

I don’t know what kind of fate that my palm has destined me to live, but I wonder if it will transpire the way that it was told to me. I’ve been fooled by these “magic” words many times now and sometimes I just have to decide when to stop listening to them.

Gone gone and away as the Earth turns more and more away from the sun, blanketing us with the darkness that the night is so accustomed too. Turn turn turn.

In a few moments I will be alone like I usually am. No one will be here on this bridge but me and it will be a closing on another chapter of my life. Another chapter titled by the latest connection. It will be forever finished in a book that doesn’t allow you to flip back and reread what happened. Will this book ever end?

Alone.

Like The Grapes of Wrath, following the last chapter will be a chapter that is outside the main storyline. It will be about the mundane life that everyone lives, nothing spectacular, nothing special. It’ll just be a chapter describing how someone like me lives and how I go about my day. When will it end? Who knows. Maybe until the next connection, or it may never end at all. That’s the thing about these kind of books.

These words will do me justice for the things that I must say. There is no need for private words that usually haunt this empty space. Not tonight, and not about this. Reading this whenever in a time that has not come, I believe I can make out what it is about.

I sit here on this bridge, no so alone ever since the end of Spring, just wondering, searching for words that usually come easy at times like these. I just think and rack my brain on the current project that I’m writing, not caring that it’ll suck and not wanting it to suck all at the same time. I’m just sitting here searching for words, thinking of things that may or may not be relevant to the task at hand.

I just sit here and ponder as the five boys head over to Strawberry Fields Forever. I sit and watch the world down below passing by like they do every night. I sit here and watch the lovely foot traffic that passes me by as I listen to the sweet melodies of Strawberry Fields.

I wonder how they see me? How do they see me, just sitting here all alone, void of any contact, not wanting any, typing away at a computer as they just shut the large doors behind me, closing the Nordstroms? How do they see me?

Often times I imagine being somewhere else other than where I am looking at myself and trying to figure out the angle and the perspective I am as an outsider. I often times put myself in a child’s perspective, looking at me, looking at them, and just wonder how do they see me.

Do they see me as me and nothing else, with no baggage with any troubles. Do I seem tall to them, unlike the short perspective I have of things. I imagine looking up at myself, straining to see who this towering man before me is.

How do they see me? How does other’s see me? How does the girl next door see me?

She said she would tell me if I’m ugly. She said she would tell me that she doesn’t find anything attractive about me. So she says. Maybe she does see me as the cute charming neighbor that I present to her. Albeit a little moody and strange, but there is an attraction towards me. Whether it is a small attraction or a large one, it’s an attraction nonetheless.

I sit here putting myself in her shoes, pondering the things to come, trying to think the way she thinks and I have no clue as to what is to come.

I told her I was over her as I have written here, and for a time that was true. I was cold and uncaring. I was distant and unfamiliar. She gave me her plea to become normal again, but what use would that do? It’ll just bring me back to where I am now. Just wondering.

Thinking about a discussion I have a couple years ago about harassment, it just seems funny how it isn’t harassment if you find the person attractive. The things I say and the things I do is definitely harassment and inappropriate. Yet, she doesn’t feel harassed. Another person did the same and she feels disgusted and harassed. I find that funny.

Sexual tension is what I called it. It’s what she has with that other guy. She tingles with goosebumps as she considers the creepy thoughts of what I said. Ewwww is her response. I find that funny.

Pushing buttons is what I do best. I play her hot and cold, normal and weird, not letting up on the charm I ooze. I could tell that she appreciates it as it puts a smile on her face. I could tell that she enjoys my presence on a normal day. The looks, the glances, the touches here and there that we both share. I know how to push her buttons and she knows how to push mine.

That’s always how things start. That’s always how things go. These are just games that we all play, especially when things are just starting out. Just games for pleasure and games to pass the time in between. I just sit and ponder, wonder, what it is that she thinks?

I have words and some inkling as to how she thinks, but I don’t have access to those words. No, not at the moment. What is it that I am to do to rectify the situation that I’m in? Should I sit as I always do or should I cut it like I tried to do before? I’m at the juncture of inaction in a time of action as I have always been familiar with. What is there to do besides just sitting and wasting before a new neighbor comes along?

Near the end we sat quietly for we were both busy in our own lives. We were separate from each other like we usually are, yet for some reason others thought we were fighting. It’s been a while since our last one. It’s been a while.

With this one, I’m not afraid to say the things that are in my mind. With this one, I’m not afraid to joke and be crude and nasty as she would say. With this one, I’m just not afraid. With this one….

The grass is always greener on the other side goes the band with that guy’s name from that album that is invisible; what side are they talking about?

The connection with the empty void around me, with the radio frequency waves that zoom to and fro, are always breaking at the last minute. It prevents me from downloading the words that I need to get access to. It prevents me to get the words that I want to get.

She never meant to hurt me. She never meant to disappoint me. She’s only doing the things she knows how to make me change. Sometimes it’ll work, and others, it’s a waste of time.

Again, Where will we be without wishful thinking goes the song that blares mellowly in my head. Where exactly will we be? I never thought that I would have been so hopeful in my thinking, but I have always been so wishful.

Slowly, minute by minute, second by second, the termination line covers us in the darkness that we are all familiar with. Slowly it becomes night and the stars with their light in history will become visible to us once more.

Wishful thinking has gotten me far in this life that is so attuned to the dark. Again, Where will we be without wishful thinking?

Looking back in the Time of Your Life, I take the pictures that are in my head, flipping through the memories, just thinking to myself; I’m having the time of my life right now. It was worth all the while as Billy Joe sings to us in his normal vocal stylings. There’s no need to ask me, for I am having the time of my life.

The neons and the orange, red, yellow glows grows brighter and brighter as the light outside dims.

Staring at her ass is what the guy is not doing as I am doing it for him. In a little white bikini right in front of him, she stands. Finally he got the hang of doing nothing. Sleeping on the beach is doing nothing all right. Nothing at all.

I stare at the familiar sign oh so far away that lets me know the time and temperature. It just brings back memories that are better left forgotten. Not all the memories were bad there, but there were some bad ones that are better left alone.

The “running of the rack of clothes” here in the Westside Pavilion is gracing my presence. As I watch this eye candy running down the racks of clothing, it’s kind of hard not to get distracted. Not just with the eye candy, but also with the noise that the stampede brings.

The newest fashion of tank tops and ladies wear, lingerie (or linger’ry) as I would like to say. Scarves, pants, jackets, denim, and everything else. It’s a store full going down this bridge. A store full of fashion.

The noise scares away the only two left here on this bridge. A couple doing their work, whatever it is. Students at the local college, studying something that I could care less about, I’m sure. Is that all? Is that it?

Here I am again, alone on this bridge. Alone at last; finally alone.

I’ve been told again that a connection have been severed again. Again, people are no longer together. I was told to start a new connection. That was a long time ago. We are two separate wires with different plugs that just don

Here I am. It’s been a while, but here I am. I’m at home. I’m at home.

It feels so strange to type that. I’m at home. In actuality, I’m not at home. Well, technically I’m at the neighborhood Tully’s in Federal Way, Washington, but I’m home. My sweet mother and brother now lives in Federal Way. So, I guess this is my home away from home. My second home in another state. Federal Way, Washington. And, I just have to say, I love it.

It’s a large, beautiful house. BEAUTIFUL! I want a house to call my own, but unfortunately, I cannot afford one down in the City of Angels. It seems you need to be a Saint to get one or be filthy rich. I’m neither.

Being back up here, I’m loving it already. The scenery, the water, the green. Did I mention the GREEN. The weather has been lovely these past few days. Clear and hot. It’s a beautiful state. A magnificent state. It’s my home away from home.

I haven’t thought about it in a while. It’s been since early 2003 that I thought about moving back here. Back to Washington. Ever since my father passed away, I pushed that thought away from my mind and never thought about it again. Coming back didn’t bring those thoughts back, no. I’ll just let it lay where they lay for now. Besides, it isn’t like it is a long flight back home. It’s not. Just a mere two-and-a-half hours away. Not a long flight at all. So I guess I could comeback whenever I have the time and whenever I feel homesick. I might make it back for the holidays after all. Maybe.

I’ve been mostly chilling with family ever since I’ve gotten back. This is my first time venturing out on my own since I’ve gotten back. This here, is my first alone time. Sitting here in the morning of the anniversary of America’s Independence…this is my first time on my own. It’s great.

It’s the 4th today, so that means that there’s going to be a BBQ today. It’ll be great. A large family get together of catching up and laughing and joking. It’ll be like old times. Unfortunately, not all family is here, but that is all right. That is quite all right. I think I got enough to deal with for now.

There just seems like a whole different vibe up here…especially with family. Maybe it’s just me and my refusal to grow up…or should I say the inability to grow up, but there’s just this vibe up here. I’m not going to lie and say that Washington doesn’t have that grow up and settle down vibe, it does…but I am feeling it more and more as the days progress. Everyone is looking for houses, everyone is looking to settle down. maybe it just comes with age and I’m one of the youngest in my generation. Or maybe everyone else seems to have things figured out, so they don’t need to go on their own little soul search. Maybe……

Am I ready to settle down? Maybe. I don’t think I’ll mind. It’s more about finding someone, and I haven’t even been looking. Not at all. Though family’s been asking and friends been pushing me to go out and meet these quote unquote ladies…I just haven’t. I don’t know what it is that I’m afraid of…actually, that’s a lie. I do know what it is that I’m afraid of. I guess for me, I just don’t know what to expect if I do delve into a relationship. I could imagine what it would be…times of sunshine and happiness and others of frustrations and just plain not understanding. I guess deep down, it also is that I might lose my independence. That innate fear of losing it.

I just have this image of being tied down and doing everything together…and in a sense, that is great, but also, coming from a person who wanted to be out on his own since he was 16…kind of hard to just throw all that away. Plus that I have no game.

No, in all seriousness, I am pretty much a loner. I know no one likes to hear the demented glorifications of being a loner…but it’s just nice. I do most things on my own. I write, I go shopping, hiking (whenever I get a chance), photography…etc, I’m just a loner. I just don’t know how to interact and socialize with people. Not at all. I do better being alone. Maybe when time comes for me to settle down and be with someone, maybe then things will change. Hopefully.

I still remember one of my fondest memories. It was during the summer between my Freshman and Sophomore year of college. I got a cashier job at Bartell Drugs and it was just me alone in the apartment throughout the summer, working and coming home. It was fantastic. I loved it. Though I didn’t go out and socialize, but I just loved that feeling of being on my own, paying my own bills, just taking care of my self. It was my frist taste to independence, away from my parents’ watchful eyes.

Sometimes there’ll be flashes of me cooking dinner, me working, flirting with the girls at work….it was a great time for me. It was a time no different than what they are now, but the only thing that has changed is that I’m socializing more…and I guess that’s a good thing, a natural progress in my life I suppose.

The summer at The Zoo Store is also a fantastic one. Though I wasn’t alone in Seattle that summer…my brother was also there….but it was fantastic none the less. Working, paying my own bills, and just socializing and flirting with the girls at work like always. It was just a great time.

I know that I’m a fickle person. Very fickle, and I usually get bored with things very quickly, hence focusing on a particular script or story is a chore to me…never finishing. I just wonder when I will be bored with my existence now and need to find a new outlet, a new lifestyle. Maybe then, I will be serious of finding someone…but again, why should I need to find someone. Shouldn’t things just happen? I think I’ll just stick to that philosophy, just let things happen. I think I’ve been good at it for the past 26 years…why force it?

It’s not like I haven’t been trying…albeit only half-assed, but I’m trying. I don’t know…I’ve been searching the online ads, so on and so forth. If a ad strikes my fancy, I would reply..but there are no answers. I guess my writing just isn’t as savvy as I think it is. Darn…

“Don’t take things personally.” Isela lent me a book a couple of months ago, and one of its motto is “Don’t take things personally.” I’ve getting better at that…just let things slide off of my shoulders and try not to make “assumptions”. Another one of the books mottos. Just don’t make assumptions. If you want to clear things up, ask questions.

I’m at a point in my life where I lost any strong feelings for her. It’s gone. I’ve moved on, as I should. That is something that would not last, and that is something that I shouldn’t be wishing for. She has something marvelous going for her. She has something that she truly deserve and she’s not looking for anything else. Sure we have great chemistry, flirt a lot and have different viewpoints in life. She doesn’t understand me, and I understand her just a tad. It makes for great fun, but all in all…it’s over. Overall, that is that.

I think that’s why I’ve been in such a chipper mood for the past couple of weeks or maybe a month and a half. After I made that decision not to flirt with her as much, not to touch her, and just to keep our relationships just as “friends”. I think that’s when things changed for me. It has to be that way. She knows how I feel about her, and that should be all I can do right now. The rest is up to here if she so decides.

I think also the running helped me get back to being in a better mood…exerting energy and whatnot. I guess. Also, the sleeping earlier. I’m not as grouchy at work anymore to the relief of my coworkers. But I’m sure that when Wednesday rolls around, no one would want me to be there. I’ll be tired and grumpy. I’ll probably kill someone. I might just put money on that one.

I’m not going to lie and say that my life is all roses and sunshine right now. It’s far from perfect and it will never be. Perfection doesn’t exist. But I do have to say that things are great right now. Absolutely fantabulous. Just Fantabulous.

So I’m home away from home, writing my life away, writing my morning away. Just watching the cars roll by, watching the people get their drug of choice. The daily injections rushing through their veins, my veins, increasing the heartbeat, stimulating the body, the mind…giving a jolt of sweet euphoria. Just shooting up like any other day.