My eyes struggle to focus on what use to be so clear in front of me. They can’t see what the signs say. They can’t make anything out. My visions worsens with each passing day. What happened?

It has begun; what I’ve dreaded for so long. The longing pain of unrequited attraction, the longing pain of infatuation, obsession. The longing pain. It has begun.

I’m not going to glorify this infatuation like I’ve always done before. There’s no glorification for any infatuation. There shouldn’t be. It’s just too painful to glorify and chrerish. This is all because of my sickness, my masochism.

The signs ahead of me were so clear. They were crystal, spelling out everything there was to know about the things to come, but now, they are just a blurry mess of words that I can barely make out. She always secretly liked his brother Edward. That’s what the sign says, but now, I can hardly make out the words.

The signs ahead of me are so open to interpretation now, I just don’t know how to approach them. I may have a clue as to what it is. Instead of me being with the single mother, I was only to think that I am ready to be with her and help parent her child. That was it. That was all there was to that sign. I’ve finally figured it out. I was too hopeful to believe that it was anything but. Where did this optimist come from? Where?

Now I sit here dreading the feelings I have for this beauty. Now I sit here wishing I was never this kind of person who falls for the unattainable. Why am I like this?

It must be the challenge of it all. It must be. I am a man of logic and practicality. It makes better sense for me to fall for someone who is attainable and likes me instead of falling for the one who I can not have at the moment. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me?

It got me down today. It got me really down today. It was the first day since I’ve met her. It brought me down. This is the moodiest I’ve been in a while. It was the weather I tell her. It was only partly true. She was the rest.

Now I sit here, loathing in self pity for the feelings I don’t want to feel. How familiar this thing is. How familiar this life is.

I could do something about it, but I don’t know if I really can.

I’ll just let whatever happen happen. I’ll just not think too much about it, take a step back and reevaluate things. I’ll just let things be and just not partake in the games that we usually play. I need to keep my distance. That is all I need to do. Keep my distance. Keep my distance.