Another year older, another year wiser. I think that will be my mantra for each birthday entry. Another year older, another year wiser.

This past year has been the year that did it for me. This past year will be the year where I look back and see that my life changed. My twenty-fifth year. That was the year of change. The twenty-sixth year will be the new beginning. It will be the year where I will not look back.

It just seems that I’ve finally got my shit together. This isn’t no hopeful whispering of a troubled man, no, it is fact. I finally got my shit togethter. I finally have let go of all that has put me down and held me back all of these years, and I finally got my shit together.

It’s nice to say that I’ve got my shit together. It has a certain ring to it. But this doesn’t mean that it’s going to be a cake walk from now on. No, it’s far from it. It just means that I’m still growing, a little bit at a time. I’m still learning new things that I never thought I was capable of. I still have a long way to go to learn everything that there is to know about me.

There were many lessons that I’ve learned over the past year, heck, over the past couple of years. I’ve changed so much and yet, haven’t changed at all. I believe what I am today has already been there. There were just things that held me back. Things, thoughts, people, situations that just held me back from reaching my full potential or hiding my potential from view.

Apathy. That has to be the biggest thing I’ve learned. I just don’t care much about anything anymore. Well, I guess I’ve always had that outlook on life, but I finally put it to work. Apathy. It’s great. Things get you down that you know shouldn’t bother you, why let it? Just let it be. Just let it roll off of your shoulders and move on. Don’t spend any time worrying or caring about it. Just move on.

Work was like that for a while. I wouldn’t have gotten through my last job, especially the last couple of months if it wasn’t for my apathy. It saved my life. But, I do have to say, it came a little too late. It got to the point where it was so tough just to go to work, especially with all of the problems there. I just needed to get through. The last couple of months were the worse. To get through each day, I put on my blank face and build up that wall to not let anything get to me. I know I’ve hurt people there, but I couldn’t care. It got me through.

Now, I’ve maintained my apathy. It’s a part of me. It’s a usefull appendage. It just gets me through, or else I would have driven myself crazy already.

Focus. I’ve never been so focus in my life. Well, it’s not like I’m super focus now, but, I am more focus now than I ever was. Working and working to get to that goal I set a long time ago. I am working at it. I’m still not the optimistic, but there is an idealism in me that pushes me to work toward that goal. I’m not saying that I will be that successful director that I’ve always wanted to be, but atleast I’m making an effort. I can honestly say that I put in a good amount of effort to achieve that goal.

I just found this drive in me in the past year. I’m sure it is that I’m getting older and one should grow and be better with each year, but it is also because things got clearer for me. Once I found someone who shares the same dream and is willing to work together to get to that dream, it just made things that much easier. It just made it that much easier.

Things are falling into place. Things are clearer. Obstructions that were no longer are. I’m free to do what I’ve set my mind to, and I’ve already started.

I finished a short, but most importantly, I’m writing more and more. With each night, I’ll add another entry or another script or another page under my belt; adding to my already voluminous collection of works.

It wasn’t until this year that I’ve actually started to enjoy writing. It wasn’t until August 22, 2004, that I learned to love writing. I love writing. I love to write. It is because of an entry here that I learned to write. As I push myself more and more and more, I liberated myself from my self doubt of my writing. I didn’t care that my writing is flawed and fractured; ungoverned by the strict rules that I was taught so long ago. I didn’t care.

I write in my own verse, I write in my own voice, my own style. I write my way. With this, I became a lover of words.

Now, with my new found apathy and my new foundness in this large and impersonal world, I’ve become more and more social. I’ve been going out more and more. Parties, poker night, dinner. I’m just the social butterfly. I still have the tendency to just stay in and be alone, but I am more willing to go out now. But again, it all depends on the company.

Just meeting new and different people has just brought out a certain something in me. It brought out courage. It brought out my self-esteem. It brought out myself. I’m no longer that lonely catipillar that I was so long ago. I’ve matured into that social butterfly that everyone says that I am.

Now, this socialness, I think I’ll have to attribute it to that certain friend of mine that I’ve infatuated oh so much about in the past three years. My final act of courting just broke the dam for me. With it, I’m no longer afraid to put my heart out there and take the risk anymore. The single mother can attest to that.

I know she’s in a relationship, but I just couldn’t help myself. Just being around her makes me giddy and crazy inside. Just being able to flirt with her and make her laugh and at times have her reciprocate just makes it that much harder for me to stop doing it. So I can’t. I just can’t. It just seems with each day, we add another layer to our relationship. A new joke, a new revelation between us two, a new look, a new smile, a new touch, a new heartfelt moment. With each day, a stronger connection.

This is all because of that certain girl. Thank you.

I don’t know if many could see the change that is in me right now. For some, they would think it is a definite change for the worse. Others will see it as a change for the better, and some might not see a change at all. I would like to think that I’ve changed for the better. Actually, I know I have.

So here I say to you all again. I’m 26. I’m 26. I’m 26. This is the beginning of my new life. This is where my life officially starts, as profecised by the palm readers oh so long ago. This is the beginning of a beautiful life.

Again, this doesn’t mean that I’m going back to believing in fate. No, not at all. It just means that I’m not ruling it out either. I’ll just allow for the possibility that it may be true.

Now, all of these changes for the good, I never discussed all of the bad things that I’ve done. Most of them involve alcohol. Now, let’s clear the air here for a second. I am not an alcoholic. I do not need alcohol to get me through the day. I am strictly a social drinker. I only drink when I’m out socializing.

I notice that whenever I drink, especially if it is on an empty stomach, I’ll get drunk, and with it, I’ll do stupid things. But keep this in mind, this doesn’t happen often. I know when to stop if I know I need to drive myself home. My friends are very helpful in that front also by allowing me to sober up before I leave. But I know my limits; it’s just sometimes I lose control and get drunk.

When I’m drunk, I’m not a mean drunk. I’m not a bad drunk. I don’t make a scene, or atleast I try not to. I’m not beligerant or angry. I’m a happy drunk. Those who’ve had the pleasure of seeing me drunk can attest that I’m a great and funny drunk. I’ll just laugh uncontrollably over the smallest of reasons. But, that is still no excuse for some of the things I’ve done. No one got hurt because of my drunkeness. Maybe just one person did get hurt. Am I going to apologize for it? No. I shouldn’t, because I didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing at all.

Now, because I know how I tend to get when I’m inebriated, I am cutting back my consumption. I’m taking it slower, not letting me get to that point where I feel that I’m losing control. But, I always regain sobriety quickly, so I’m fortunate that way.

I put that to the test this past weekend. My friends and I were celebrating the “Hindu Lunar New Year”. They had a cookout and invited me. Now, I know that we weren’t really celebrating “Hindu Lunar New Year” but we were really celebrating my birthday. Why the guise of “Hindu Lunar New Year”? Simple. My friends know that I don’t want to celebrate my birthday. They know if they made it specifically for me, they know I wouldn’t approve of it. So they came up with a paper thin lie and threw this pseudo birthday party for me. We had a cookout and it was great. I had a great time.

This is the first real birthday party that I ever had any one throw for me, and if I could have my way, it will be my last. But all in all, I had a great time. We ate and we drank. I didn’t drink too much, because I just didn’t want to, but I got stoned. I took a hit. Now, I don’t get stoned that often, if ever. I’ve been around it from time to time, but I haven’t done it for the past two-and-a-half years maybe. It was good. I could certainly see why people would do it as much as they do, but it’s not for me. This last time will probably be it for the next two-and-a-half years or longer.

Now, I’m sure I’ve shared enough, maybe even more than I should. Until next year.