My social self is not a very pleasant one. I see myself in a certain light that is drastically different from how others see me. I see myself as the antisocial loner that alienates himself from others, and others see me as this social butterfly that jokes and laughs and makes conversations with people. These people who see me in this light are mostly people that I met from work.

Work people are different. I have to play nice, I have to interact, I have to socialize with them, so it takes away the pressure of socializing with them. Now, people that I meet at parties, that’s different. There are people that I connect with right off the bat and there are others that I don’t connect with at all and in my case the former is generally the case.

I am both, but I really do think that I am my own belief. I’m that social wallflower.

I can get to be that fun guy, but it all depends on the situation, the party, the people that I’m hanging out with and all importantly my mood of socializing, and my level of sobriety. If I’m not in the mood to socialize, I usually don’t go to the party, or if I am at the party and I’m not feeling the crowd, then I tend to keep to myself or find someone I know there and try to talk with them.

I find myself doing that this past weekend at a party that I went to.

I wasn’t feeling the crowd. It just wasn’t my crowd. It was my friend Jill’s house-warming bbq bash at her and her roommate’s, Leina, apartment. Nice apartment. If only I was richer.

Anywho, I went to the party, expecting just to be like her birthday party that I went to a few months ago. It wasn’t. First of all, I didn’t have enough to drink, and secondly, I was kind of freezing my ass off.

I didn’t feel comfortable. The guests were talking about things I know nothing about or cared much for. So, I was out of my element.

But I went anyways. It wasn’t until the very end when I actually enjoyed myself. It was just Jill and I, talking. Just talking about life, expectations, finding oneself and not compromising one’s interest and one’s personality for the greater good of the crowd or friends. Be yourself. One has to sacrifice many things to do what one’s heart desires. I did it, and so can she.

But back to the party, the wallflower in me. Walking in the door, I noticed a THE GIRL. She was there. I half expected it, but at the same time I thought she was somewhere else. But she was there.

Last time we’ve met, I was smitten. Seduced by her girlish charms, her bouts of cuteness, her bad jokes, her adorable sense of attractiveness. She’s hot. We talked, we joked, we laughed. It was a great time had by all or so I believe.

She looked no different, dressed down more than last time, which makes her look even more attractive. But she is still she, her adorable self.

I don’t know what it was with me, but for the most part, I tried to make a connection with her again, but I wasn’t feeling it. Maybe it was just me being a wallflower or maybe it was her sensing my awkwardness around her that made her keep her distance; I’m not sure what it was, but I know for sure that we didn