Everybody needs sometime on their own. That is the feeling that I’m getting right now. I feel free to do whatever I want now. Free. So this is how it is to be free? How typical.

Now that I am free from whatever that has help me captive for the past couple of years, what will I do with my new found freedom? Sometimes I need some time on my own. Sometime I need some time on my own goes the song sung by Axel. I am just going to do my own thing. This isn’t a stretch from what I’ve been doing for the past couple of years, but it is a millennium away from my life then.

Shhhh. Listen. Freedom. The bells are ringing. Freedom is ringing. I am free to search for myself again, even though I feel found. There’s been a while there that i know I was lost and it was getting frightening, but I see the light. I see the vast ocean in front of me.

It sways there oh so beautiful in its deep magnificent mysterious glory. Something so familiar and so beautiful seems so dangerous and mysterious. The deep treasures that hides itself in the ocean makes it more irresistible.

It makes a man who doesn’t know how to swim want to strip naked of all things and just dive in and take a chance. I want to jump in and do whatever it is I need to do to survive in the ocean. Maybe I’ll grow gills and fins and become a fish.

I got the news the other day. Things are changing. It wasn’t as surprising as it was. I was more surprised by the lack of blood on my end. I thought I would have been more wounded, but it seems when you have nothing left to bleed there shouldn’t be a problem.

I am dry. I am hung dry in this little game, but I see something in my future. The never ending rain that tapdanced on my window the night that the news came to me. The rain that cried my tears for me cause I know I couldn’t anymore. It just doesn’t hurt anymore, cause I’ve felt all there was to felt oh so long ago.

I think at this point in my life, being alone is just the best way to do. Get my things in order. Be a little selfish. Maybe when I’m 50, I’ll be ready to be in a relationship. By then, only the important thing will matter. Dentures.

I’ve crashed so many times but this time it just feels different. The other times, I sat idley by waiting for my demise, but this time, I fought it. I took action, but unfortunately the accident was out of my hands. It was beyond my capabilities. It was out of my hands. All I could do was hold on and hope for the best. I survived. I’m walking. I’m talking. I’m living. And most of all, I’m OKAY.

Walking down the street the other day, I noticed a little dog on the corner of the road. It looked so lost and helpless, yelping at the passing cars trying to get anyone’s attention to take it home. I didn’t stop. I couldn’t stop. I was there once. I couldn’t go back there again. So I just walked on, ignoring it.

I walked down the street again today. The dog was gone. Where did it go? I don’t know. I can only hope that a nice woman decided to help it. Gave it a chance to live and be the object of her affection.

Now I sit here just thinking and typing nonsense just for the sake of writing something. Of just trying to put my thoughts together. I’ve been trying to write something for a while now and I haven’t been able to manage. I wanted to write about something I know, but yet, know nothing about.

I sit here listening to these artists sing their souls about love and what love is? What is love? I sit here like Heather Nova, dreaming away. Wanting to See the world like lovers do. But, I don’t think these cynical eyes can open themselves up to the beauty that is love.

Not anymore.

What these eyes see is nothing but green. The green of this world floods my vision. I’ll never see red again.

I sit here just reflecting on my life that was. All of the missed opportunities and all the mistakes that I’ve done. I see soem light and some of the joys and the beauty that was a part of my life. All I could do is smile at what I have become.

What have I become? I don’t know. A man or am I still that really really old boy that everyone tries to ignore? I know what I’ve become. I’ve become that nice guy that others push off to others. Oh so it seems.

I think that was just my bitterness and my jaded sense of being talking.

I’ve become more than that. I’ve become a man who have found his way in the darkness. A man who is not afraid to fall down in the endless abyss because he took a chance and he took a risk.

The risks I’ve taken has gotten me so far. Much more happier. Freer. Anger have left my soul. I’m slowly taking the steps that will lead to my maturity. Taking risks that I never thought that I could have taken. Taking the big steps that I should have taken oh so long ago. I’m growing up. So this is what it feels to grow up.

I’m at a lost for words. I don’t know what to say or what to write anymore, yet there is so much that is bursting to come out. Maybe there really isn’t much. Maybe I’ll write more later. Later. Later. There will always be later.