It’s been a while since I’ve written anything in my journal. Over a month I believe. I thought about what I was going to write before I started writing tonight’s entry. I thought about my excitement about getting a new job and getting out of my current job. I thought about just listing the general fundamental problems that plague the current company that I’m working at right now, which is one particular employee and mismanagement by upper management. I was going to go into detail about it, but I think I will not discuss it.

There’s no point. It is a part of my past. It is time for me to move on. I think right now, I feel that I have moved on. Look ahead, look forward. Don’t let the constant soul sucking of this company plague the thoughts of my mind. It’s not worth it. It’s really really not worth it at all.

So what am I going to write about? I don’t know. I just feel the need to write cause I haven’t written anything in a month, whether it is in my journal or if it is my writing projects on the side.

I guess for the past month, I just had some things on my mind. My short film which I’m preparing to shoot in the next couple of weeks and also with the whole finding a new job thing. I think that getting this new job and being out of the current situation will liberate me in doing more things, instead of going home exhausted and soaked in dread for being at work all day and just wanting to get a drink to numb the experience, to numb the mindlessness of work, to numb the bureaucracy, to numb the drama, to numb the politics, to numb the company.

No more of that. I will start new at this company. Just start new. Do my work, and leave. Don’t get involved in anything that I don’t need to get involved in. Been doing that lately, especially at this current job and even when I don’t intend to. It just finds me.

No, I just need to write, to have an outlet for any feelings or angst or pent up creativity or need to dispense any wisdom or venting out in the internet superhighway void that this little post will go to. Just need to write.

There’s been a lot of things that haunts my thoughts since I’ve resigned my position, but the one that hangs in my mind the most has to do with this one beautiful girl. I just can’t think of what to do, and that is driving me crazy. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I don’t know what is going to happen, I don’t know how she’s going to react. But I do know that when I do what I must do, it is it. It is final. Then I will finally know and it is not until then that I can move on from what it is that is happening now. I must move on and I feel that I might be able to if things doesn’t work out as I want them too.

Then it is back to where a place that I’m seldomly at; a place without obsession and infatuation.

* * *
One thing that I have noticed in the past couple of months, especially after my father’s memorial, my life has just gotten much better. I feel much better about myself. I’m not the pessimistic souless fool that I once was. I do have to say that last year was a tough year for me, trying to get better and deal with my father’s passing. I do have to say that things has gotten better for me, especially this year.

Things just seem to be coming together. Slowly but surely, I’m finding myself. I’m finding my place in this insignificant little third rock from the sun. Maybe I’m 25 and things are supposed to come together at 25, but things are getting better. Been writing more. Feel much more giddy and much happier than I’ve ever have. Confident. More comfortable in my own skin. I think that is the most important thing, being comfortable in my own skin and being comfortable with the hermit lifestyle that I live, doing whatever it is I want to do without any pressures from my peers. I’m getting my act together.

I’m shooting something soon. That is something that I’d set out to do, that is the basis of my whole moving down here. I am doing it. I am preparing it. I never thought that I would make it here. I never thought that my time has come since I’ve always felt flustered all my life about what my life is about and being comfortable and being able to see a point in my life. The fog is lifting. There is light. Hope this continues. Hope this continues.

Sure, my life isn’t perfect, but my life will never be perfect. My social life isn’t where I would like it to be, but I’m comfortable with what I have now. I’ve been in the trenches and I’ve survived. Things can only get better and I’m confident that things will get better.

I’m sure many of you who are reading this and who knows me well are quite surprised by the optimism of this posting. I have to say that I’m quite surprised myself. Where did this come from? Where did it come from? Maybe it was my trip up to San Francisco, meeting an ex-roommate of mine that I haven’t seen for three years. Maybe it is that I’ve been able to pick up where we left off, the same type of relationship, never skipping a beat, or maybe it is the fact that I went and became social and never felt uncomfortable while I was doing it.

Oh, I was always afraid of being social, and for the most part I still am, but these past couple of months have shown that there is nothing to be afraid about in socializing. I do it well. Just make the best out of it.

Things are a changing. Changing indeed. Moving on, marching on.

* * *
The irony of my posting compared to the music I’m listening too. The Fall of the World’s Optimist. Is that me? Is this song about me? I highly doubt it, but I’m knocking on wood. Just to be safe.