Well, it hasn’t been long since the last time I wrote. It was the other night actually. Why am I writing so soon? i don’t know. I guess I just have to clear my mind on some things. Will I disclose it to you all? No. I think I’ll just write and write and see where things take me.

I find it funny when growing up that my parents taugh me to be nice. If you are nice, good things will happen to you. Help out your friends, be nice to your friends, to the old people, to everyone around you. Share if you have an abundance of something…you know the typical morals that are instilled by parents when growing up. I lived that life. I am a very nice person, with good morals and ethics. I should be living a decent life right now, a damn good life without any problems or should I say that my “niceness” shouldn’t be getting me into trouble.

Well, I don’t know if it has, but I have this lingering feeling that it did. What good is it to be a nice good and decent person if you get shit on all the time. What good is there? If the “good” that comes from being a decent human being that is being shat on all the time is a nice straight trip to Heaven and their lovely bells ringing when I arrive a la Breaking the Waves by Lars Von Trier, then no thanks. God, Heaven, and their Cherub Angels can keep those bells. I don’t need them for I don’t believe in Heaven, Hell, or anywhere else. I don’t know what I believe, but I do know that there shouldn’t be a distinction like that. I think Von Trier knows something more about being shat upon than I do. He made three movies about it. Where the heroine are nice helpful decent human beings, and they are shat upon. Emily Watson in the before mentioned Breaking the Waves, Nicole Kidman in Dogville, and finally Bjork in The Dancer in the Dark. Great heroines that were treated badly; two ended up dead.

I think that with Dogville Von Trier finally fights back, allowing justice to be served 10 fold for all of the injustice that happened. I wish I can do that. Sometimes I believe if I am pushed hard enough, I will fight back with a vengence. But knowing me, it is all talk. Boy oh boy, I need to change things up.

I’m trying to live a peaceful life
Void of any conflict or drama
But they always seem to find me
Biting me on the ass

I think about the life I had before this one
What did I do to deserve this Karma?
It must have been something bad
I think I choked on gas

How long was the rest I had
Must not been long enough to forget what I had
Here I am dreading what is to come
My soul is making up for that life long ago

Soon the universe will collect my debt
I just hope it takes it all in this life
So I am free to start new in the one to come
Living a peaceful life I’ve always dreamt of

Okay, that was bad. it was the first poem that I’ve written in months. But I think it got the gist of what I’m trying to say or what I’m trying to get off my chest. What brought this thought upon me? Well, saw a movie today. Running on Karma. Directed by Johnny To, starring the lovely Cecilia Cheung and Andy Lau. The message of the film is that we have to forget and let go of the grudge that we hold from all the things that have wronged us. Let go and be peaceful. If not, the “karma” will be a poisonous cycle, killing and killing you over and over again in each subsequent life. If we just let go, and “cultivate wholesome deeds” then the world will be a better place. Sure it sounds cheesey, but you know, it is true. All in the all, the movie was all right, but the message is the biggest thing of the movie.

“Life is unfair”. That’s a mantra that I live by. It just isn’t. Good people get shat upon and bad people get to bask in glory and riches. That’s how the way the world work. Sure, some good people get that lucky break and the unfortunate few bad people get their come uppance, but it just seems that there aren’t too many of each. Maybe when good people die, they get to be bad people in their next life. A balance of sorts, a reward for all the “good” they’ve done in the past life and for all of the shit that they had to put up with. In the next life, they can get away with murder. Beat their wives unconscious. Rape the girl down the block. Rob a bank. Mug old grannies. They can do all of these things with very few or no consequences. Maybe in my next life, I can bask in glory and riches. That is a thought right there.

Well, I really don’t have much to say. Honestly, laying here in my bed, iming my cousin, nothing comes to mind to write about. This that you’re reading right now, just mindless rambling.

It’s the end of the week. Hallelujah. This fucking wretched week is over. I’m not stepping in anymore. No more. I absolutely refused, cause it always seems that I get fucked.

So, it’s been a long while since I’ve written anything in here. What has happened?

Not much. Went to Yosemite on the 3rd of July. Just walked and hiked for most of the day. It’s pretty up there. I took tons of pictures. Maybe I’ll post them up some day. I think I may go back again on Veterans Day weekend. Who knows?

What else have been happening in my boring little life? I got a new laptop. Why? Because I find it very difficult to write at home. Too many distractions. The bed, the tv, my lovely dvd’s, the internet (even though I have a wifi card). So I go out and write. I’m just trying to get into a habit of going out and writing.

I finally finished my short that I’m going to shoot, but it needs to be rewritten. It has it’s flaws, and I agree with Scott, there’s just something missing. So, I got to think about it and rewrite it. I may even have to scrap it and write something else. Man is it going to suck.

The photography class is going well. Been printing many of the black and white photos that I have. I still have a couple of rolls of black and white film that I haven’t developed yet. I’ve been too lazy to do it. I’ve been thinking of skipping class tomorrow, especially after this past week. I just want to stay home and just chill, relax. Maybe I’ll do that.

I’m skipping class next week for sure. Lisa is coming down to visit for the weekend. We haven’t planned much. At the moment here is what we have planned. We are going to watch: Garden State, Before Sunset, Harold and Kumar Goes to White Castle, Napoleon Dynamite, and The Village. Those are definite plans, I think. Other than that, I think we are going to wing it. I am thinking of taking her to the Getty for a couple of hours. We both like culture, and it’s just been a while since I’ve gone there.

I’m not sure what else there is to do. Maybe explore this city that I live in. Actually go to places I’ve never been with her. I don’t know. It’s in a week, and I’m just waiting patiently for it.

It has been a while since I’ve seen her. Christmas, I think. I had the opportunity to see her when I was there, but she went to lunch when I visited her at work. That’s right. I drove all the way up to Washington, and she dissed me. Some friend. Well, at least she’s making it up by visiting.

Anywho, I’m tired, and sweaty from the humidity and heat from my apartment. Until next time.

Fucked up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!