No, not the sequel to Sister Act, but just “Back in the Habit”.

Well, it’s been a long ass time since I’ve updated this thing. Since April 11th. Well over 2 months. What the hell have I been doing in the past two months? Answer, not much really.

I never thought I was gonna update this thing, cause honestly, I really don’t know what to say. What is there left to say? I never really wanted this journal to fall into the kind of teenage diary that recounts the daily happenings in my life, cause honestly, my days are quite boring. Work, home, and sleep. Wow, that is something that will fill pages, and garner lots and lots of revenue right there.

I’ve always imagined that this journal will be a place for me to share my thoughts about the happenings in my life, how I’m feeling, what I think about certain situations in my life. An outlet for my frustration and anger. But since it’s been a while since I’ve been really really angry or frustrated, I see no point in updating this thing.

As you can tell, I’m just rambling on and on here. Just taking up valuable time, time I can use to do something more productive. That’s what I’m doing. I’m procrastinating.

All right, what has really happened in the past couple of months.

The big thing was that I went back home for my dad’s memorial at the end of May. It was nice. It was nice to go back to see family again. Unlike last year, this was more of a celebration. Again, my family had the ceremony. Me, feeling that it was just pointless, I just go through the motions to please my mom. But I was really relieved when it was over. I don’t have to dread going back to tie up the loose ends, cause it’s already done.

I thought I would have gotten more emotional than I did. I didn’t. I was very dried eyed, but there were a couple moments that just sort of make me choke up.

The first was right after the fire jumping (long story that the outsiders wouldn’t understand and I don’t want to explain). My cousin, Phinney, gave me a hug and whispered in my ear. He said that he still thinks about my “old man” sometimes. You see, my dad loved children, little kids. I guess I get that from him. Always so playful with them. I wonder does he see them as wonders too. Anywho, back to the story. So my cousin said he still thinks about my dad sometimes. My dad has been bugging him about when he’s going to have a kid. Now that he did (Emerson, born April 9th, day before my b-day), my dad isn’t here to see him. To hold him. My dad’s just not here. I didn’t say much to my cousin about that, cause honestly I was really caught off guard by his comment and my emotions at that time. But upon reflection, I think I would have said that my dad would have loved Emerson, cause he’s so adorable. My dad would most definitely bug him about the “whiteness” of Emerson and most definitely about his name.

It just made me think about the day when or if I have children. My dad’s not there to bug me and my wife about children. That was a time when I got choked up.

The other was after the memorial dinner. Before the dinner, my mom told my brother and I to go around and thank all my uncles, aunts, and other elders who came so far to help my family through this ceremony. Everything went fine, it went well, then it got to my 14th uncle (no, I don’t actually have 14 uncles, but that’s where he ranked between all of the children between my grandfather and his brother and the others in his my grandfather’s generation). He basically just told me and my brother that there is no reason to thank him. He’s family. It’s his job to help us out. As long as he’s alive, he’ll be there for me and my family to help me out. There is no need to thank him. I don’t know, it just sort of made me break. I was doing my best to hold in my tears and I looked up at my brother and it seems he was doing the same, and that just made it worse.

I guess for me its just the concept of family. I know I have a large family network. They are my friends and for most of my life, my social life. They were all I needed, but then again, I left them. Again, I’ve always felt alone growing up, even in this large family, and never really felt a part of it. But hearing that, it just made me feel that I was a part of something. Something that really cares for me, something that is there to look out for me and my family. It was just too much.

Those were the two moments that really got me. Those were the two moments that really brought me home, that brought me there to realize what I’m up there for. To pay respect to my father and respect to my family.

I was only up in Washington for a total of three whole days. I drove up to Washington. If I didn’t have to drive, I would have flown and would have stayed much longer, but it didn’t happen that way. I’m a little bummed that I didn’t get to spend as much time as I wanted up in Washington, but there wasn’t anything I could do. Meh. Let’s move on.

Like I said in my last couple of postings, I’ve been writing more. I’ve finished a new screenplay. The first draft is completed. It is entitled Tall Tales and Flying Pigs. As many of you are aware, I usually send it out to others to read, so I can get feedback and rework what others don’t like. I didn’t do it this time, cause honestly, I’m just so embarrassed at how bad it is, I’m keeping this to myself and Scott (a writing partner, sort of) until I get a chance to think it over and rewrite it. Make it better. Yeah, it’ll be a long while before anyone will ever lay eyes on that script. Honestly, I do have to give myself some credit though. There were some great ideas and concepts behind it, but overall, my writing and the ending just didn’t work. It was just bad folks, worse than 10.5 bad.

I am starting another script. This one is a short, and this is the short that I will actually be shooting. I told Scott (who will help me produce) that I would get it to him two weeks ago, and then by this past Friday. It didn’t happen. I will get it to him by this Friday, and that should be a definitely date. I have outlined it. I know what is happening. All I need is to punch out a first draft and then rewrite/polish it, and then we go on from there. I have it pictured so clearly in my mind, sometimes I feel that I’m constrained to the images in my mind, even though I haven’t written the darn thing yet. What’s holding me back, my laziness, and the fact that there is so much pressure here. This is something that I’m actually going to shoot. This is something that I will actually shoot. My first directing gig, from something that I’ve written, financed with my money. This is the real deal folks.

Again, I got every shot planned out in my head. I know how it will look. I know how long it will be. I know what the pace is. I know what the tone is. It is just a matter of me putting that and displaying that in words on paper. That is the tough part.

Also, my friend, Ella Spink no more, and I have decided to start a book. I forgot how the idea came to be, but I basically helped push her into doing the project with me. We are going to be two strangers who write letters to each other. That’s it. That’s the plan. That is our story. That is our book. I’ve already started the letter. I’m just waiting for her response, then I will respond to her response. It goes and goes. We haven’t decided on how the story is going to work, just that we are two strangers corresponding through mail and falling in and out of love through it. We do not discuss what the other party is going to write. Just respond to the other’s letter and bring in new twists and quirks that builds character and builds story. It’s spontaneous. It’s an interesing idea that I’m sure has been done before, but you know what, I don’t care. It keeps me writing, and it could potentially be something someday.

You see, I’m writing this long thing that just takes up valuable time that I could be using to finish my short script. I’m such a big procrastinator. Now you would think I would stop and go on and start working on my script, but no, I’m not. Ha, see how defiant of myself I am. I will continue this mindless rambling (I guess if I just keep writing and making this entry longer, I don’t have to write for a couple more weeks or months).

I am taking another photography class starting next week. It is a Black & White photography printing class. I will be printing my own pictures. I think it is naturally the next step to my fascination of photography. I got all the necessary supplies, and I have already developed some film with some success and failure (I’ve developed my first role and it came out great. The second role came out bad, slightly underdeveloped). I am to develop four rolls of my friend’s, Chris (who will be the camera man, DP of my short, maybe) film. I just hope I don’t fuck up.

After the class, who knows, I may just make my own darkroom. I don’t have the space, but I’ll work something out.

Now many of my family know that I just bought a new digital SLR camera. It was a spendy acquistion on my part. Again, I’m a compulsive shopper, especially when it comes to toys. It’s a great toy. I have taken hundreds of pictures with it already. It is great. Very liberating cause you don’t have to worry about wasting film, but it doesn’t look as good as film. Don’t think anything digital will look as good as film, but it sure is very close. I think I will still work with film and digital.

I am going hiking again. Starting to go hiking again. Now, with the television season coming to an end, I have a lot of free time on my hand, well more than usual. I think I will go hiking on the weekends. Mostly Sundays, cause I have classes on Saturdays for the next 8 weeks. My first hiking trip will be on July 3rd (I know, it is a Saturday, but I have no classes this week). I’m going to Yosemite National Park. Never been there before. I’m just going for a day hike. Taking my camera(s) with me and hopefully get a couple of great shots. Hopefully, and hopefully not destroy any of my cameras.

Now to the bad news. I think there is something wrong with me, physically. I’m not going to the doctor, cause, I’m a big hypochondriac and a drama queen, so it might be nothing, and besides, I should be seeing a shrink first. But I’ve been fatigued for the past couple of months. Many say it is mono, but I’m not sure. I’m getting a little bit better, but there are still times when my body just want to give out on me. I don’t know what it is, but if it gets worse, I will then have to go to the doctor to see what it is. Maybe it is all psychological. Who knows. I think this “fatigue” is just something that has to do with me being 25. My metabolism is slowing down (getting an unsightly belly). I have very little energy. It may have to do with me ruining my basketball schedule. I stopped playing for a while, or not going out on a regular basis. It may have blown my body’s clock/rhythm out of sync and it is just making up for it. I’m going more regularly now (once a week as scheduled) but whenever I get back from playing, I just crash. I’ll go to bed at 9:30 and not wake up until 8:30 in the morning (thankfully we are playing on Fridays now, so I can sleep in). Never happened before, but I guess it’s just my body adjusting to the sudden exertion of energy on my part.

Now, back to the beginning again. I think now that there is some closure with my father’s passing (the memorial being finished) I think I am going to start to change. Make a conscious effort to go out or be more social. Will it happen, I highly doubt it, but it’s the thought that counts right? I will cut back on my drinking (not that I was drinking much anyway) and will start to go running to get in shape. I will start “researching” again to move on, and to basically work toward what I came down here for. Honestly, I think I have finally found a support group, Scott and Chris, that can actually help me do this. Me actually deciding to write this script and actually saying that I WILL shoot this is a huge step for me. I think I’m a little more confident in myself. Thinking about actually shooting something that I write this summer is getting me really excited (not in that way, that comes naturally, no pun intended). I actually can’t wait. Hopefully it doesn’t suck.

As for the script it self, it is quite embarrassing. I don’t want to go into specifics, but it is very embarrassing. Very autobiographical, well for the most part. Once I’m finished with the film, not the script, I will send it out to all I know and hopefully, I will get some honest feedback on what they liked, and more importantly, what I did wrong, so I know what to do on my second film, if it happens.

All right, I think I have written enough today, tonight. I will write again, hopefully sooner rather than later. Who knows.

I’ll keep you all posted on the production of the short.

Till then.

p.s. I’m married (only fictionally).