2003-12-23
People often ask me “where are you going?” My answer changes everytime I’m asked. Where am I going? Am I going home? Am I going forward, backward, or even sideways? I don’t know. That is about the only sure thing in my life. My little confusion of where I am going.

Sometimes I think for someone to know where he or she is going, he or she must know where he or she is. Where am I?

I am in the air. I am falling. I am walking. I am sitting. I am waiting.

What am I doing in llife? Sitting, thinking my life away. Thinking over the same thoughts that cloud my mind a year, two years, five years ago. The same thoughts. I never change. Don’t think I ever will. Do you?

Sitting here, cramped up and tired, writing. Writing about what? Just writing because I’m afraid not to. These pages will be filled with such nonsense rambling, why would anyone even bother reading. Is this for an audience or is this just for my own eyes? Could I share these words and thoughts? Honestly, I’m not sure.

Where am I going?

Where am I now?

What am I writing?

Where have I been? Where have I been? Hell, heaven, and places in between. Places that bring tears. Tears of joy and tears of sadness. Places that don’t mean anything to me. They are just places that I’ve gone to in this little journey I call life.

What am I feeling? A sense of wonder. A wonderment that I call life. Elation for whatever “LOVE” I am defining. Joy for the moments of socialness. Sadness for all I’ve loss and contemplated. Bewilderment for all the mysteries left untouched, things I’ve yet to see and experience. A sense of calm embalming me, hardening my soul. A sense of anger tearing me to pieces. A blackness that is outside of me, encompassing me. No light can shine bright enough to drive it away. No darkness is dark enough to dampen the light away. An eternal battle, a passionate balance of what is what. A sense of just “being.”

What is in front of me? Seats, hair, heads, open space, roads, decisions, choices, friends, foes, acquaintances, and the list goes on.

What is behind me? A past that is better left forgotten. A past that is better off cherished. Memories, dreams, friends, foes, acquaintances, and the list goes on.

What is behind is what is in front.

I am surrounded by a spherical globe that consist of nothing new, but everything old, yet new all at the same time.

A paradox of wonderment. The paradox of Life.

Globes, sparkles, light. Things that catches my eye. My undivided attention. Attention that is not enough to spare. Spread thinly over whatever is out there. The World. Life.

The World, Life has so much to offer me. Treasures that are beyond my comprehension. Joys I surely do not deserve. Yet I shield myself from them. Not wanting to experience these wonders. Too afraid to experience something special that was given to me. Life.

Fear. Fear is what drives me. It is what drives my existence. My lack of Life. Fear is debilitatiting. Murdering whatever Life I have in me.

Why am I afraid? What am I afraid of? Oh, the list goes on and on, yet how much better my life would be if only I confront the fear. Don’t let it handicap me. If I fail, how different is it from the life I lead now. It is no different, cause the life I live now is a life of failure.

To not try is to fail. To give up on a life that has barely begun. Try, try, try. That’s what life is for, that is what life is. A giant class where all we do is try and we will succeed. To not try is to fail. To not participate is to fail. To not Live is to fail. To fail is to die.

Am I already dead? Am I a walking zombie, living for the basic reasons of food and sleep. The neccessities that keep us alive.

Where are my luxuries? Luxuries are paid for with sweat. Sweat comes from effort. Sweat comes from action. I do not sweat. I do not take action. How am I supposed to get my luxuries?

I need to take action, I need to be assertive. With action comes results. With action comes Life. With Life comes LIfe.