Well, I am back and here is the what. I haven’t gotten time to work on my new web page yet at geocities, but I think there is a way for you all to see my pictures. Try this link Pictures. If the link don’t work, please just enter in this web address: http://www.geocities.com/nunuclicna/Pictures. This will lead you to a my pictures directory like the one I have up for AOL. Again, I hope this works.

Well, I’ve tried to figure out a way to post thse pictures. I’ve tried creating a link to them, so on and so forth. I can’t figure out anything…not just yet. Maybe I’ll have to try and owrk on building my website. We’ll see what happens.

All righty. It looks like I can’t post my pictures from geocites to my live journal without paying some cash. I’m not going to do that, so I think I will start to work on my geocities website. The website is wwwl.geocities.com/nunuclicna. I hope it works.

Well, I am in the mood to write. Therefore I am. As promised, I am posting pictures of my trip to Malibu Creek State Park and my Disneyland trip with family. There are other pictures that I want to post, but I think I’ll do them another time. This will be a long entry, so bare with me.

First, before I start with the new pictures, the pictures that I posted previously aren’t working too well on my journal. I have posted them through AOL. AOL have this certain policy of not allowing me to post my pictures on another website that is not affiliated with AOL. Should you want to see those pictures, please visit my so called website on AOL at this url: members.aol.com/nunuclikna.

Creek (August 2003)

Stork (August 2003)

Under Cover (August 2003)

Opening (August 2003)

Creek
This is the first picture I’ve taken at Malibu Creek State Park (MCSP). I believe it was about 8 in the morning here.

Stork
This is a white stork that I got the pleasure of seeing. It was just there at a part of the creek that wasn’t dried up. According to the MCSP Rangers and the Audobon Society, most of the birds come out in the early morning or in the late evening. I was fortunate to see this one catching breakfast. If you can’t make it out, it is a small crayfish that is in it’s mouth.

Under Cover and Opening
These were taken around the same area. There was a small trail along the creek bed. I followed it for about 200 yards and came up to this area.

Heron (August 2003)

Moth (August 2003)

Reflection (August 2003)

Six (August 2003)

Sun (August 2003)

Heron
Here is the Heron that I tracked for about 100 yards down the dry creek bed. It took me about 30 minutes before I got a chance to take this picture.

Moth
A little moth sunbathing on a rock. I got this while I was trying to track the Heron.

Reflection
A reflection of one of the rocky hills or mountains at MCSP.

Six and Sun
Here are some of the flowers that you can find at MCSP.

These are some of the pictures I’ve taken at MCSP. These are the intersting ones, well some of them. Again, I’ve taken about 120 pictures that day, about 3 rolls worth. There are other good ones, and many not so good ones. Maybe I’ll post some ot those up later, maybe not.

I plan on going back to MCSP sometime in the winter and spend the whole day there. By then, there will be no heat. Maybe I could catch some of the other exotic animals like coyotes, owls, mountain lions, and foxes.

The next set of pictures are from the Disneyland trip. I really had a great time there, well, for the most part. Most of the rides were very boring, but being around family again was just great.

Backseat Fun (August 2003)

Family Fun (August 2003)
Left to right: Ly, Michael, Me, Phi, Julie,and Jason

Awaiting Take Off (August 2003)

Lighted Peak (August 2003)

Blur (August 2003)

Waiting to Ride (August 2003)

Castle (August 2003)

Backseat Fun
Here we are starting our trip to Disneyland. Unfortunately the other two youngin’s weren’t ready for the picture. I especially like Michael’s makeshift arm rest.

Family Fun
This here closes our night here at Disneyland. We just left Fantasyland and are posing in front of the Castle. Unfortunately, it is too dark to see anything.

Awaiting Take Off
The three kids posing on Dumbo. This is the happiest that Jason looked all day.

Lighted Peak
Here is a picture that I wasn’t sure how it was going to turn out. For those who don’t know, it is a picture of the Matterhorn. I was surprised that it turned out as well as it did. I thought it would have been too dark or too blurry, but it wasn’tt.

Blur
This is the famous Tea Cups of course. I would have to say this was Ly and Mike’s favorite ride. Phi, Ly, Mikey, and I all went on during the afternoon. I got a headache from it, and so did Phi. After we split up after lunch, Phi went to the car and took a nap. My headache slowly went away. This picture was taken toward the end of the day. The kids wanted to go on again and this time Julie went along. They were in line when the picture was taken. I’m glad that this one turned out as great as it did. The kids had fun on this, but I wish I could say the same for Julie. She got really sick from the ride. I don’t blame her.

Waiting to Ride
Ly and I in line for Gadget’s Go Coaster. The ride was no more than 40 seconds, but the line was about 40 minute. Can we say a waste of time? What was worse was that there was no shade and the humidity didn’t help the situation at all.

Castle
Inside Fantasyland. I’ve always liked pictures of clouds taken with a wide angle lens. It pushes and stretches the cloud and give it a very distinct look. I got my clouds here.

There are more pictures from Disneyland. Many with family. I’ll post them up when I get the chance.

All of these pictures just capture what have been happening in the past couple of months, not even. There are some that I’ve taken from my trip to Sacramento over Labor Day weekend. I met an old friend of mine up there. I might post some of those pictures up. Also, I have some pictures of the little runts from my trip back home. Many of them aren’t that great, but it’s nice to have picture of family.

* * *

I went to Vegas this past weekend. Not much happened besides me losing. I probably wouldn’t have written about it, but something did happen over the weekend. I haven’t been able to put my finger on it, but something happened.

Ever since I got home, there has been this sense of calm in me. I’m not that angry anymore. I don’t feel any angst in my body. Something must have happened to trigger this, and for the life of me, I can’t figure it out.

Could it be my earlier posting of what is making me angry? Could me putting it down on paper, putting my feelings in words, take away the anger that was in my life? I don’t know. That would be the logical explanation, cause honestly, not much happened in Vegas. Didn’t pick up any girls, met my friend’s friend from Jersey. Got a little drunk in the hotel room. Learned how to play craps and lost a bunch of money (it’s really not that much, but enough).

How long is this “State of Zen” going to last? I have no clue.

I like this feeling. I got this sense that I have finally grown up. My issues, whatever they may be, are gone. In a way, I sort of feel like a new person. So this is how it feels to be not “angry.”

I’m not even upset that I have a particular falling out with this person. It’s not the person that really ticked me off, but another. We have great repoir, almost a flirtatious relationship. For a few weeks, she’s been very distant, and I can’t figure it out. Things started to get back to normal, then I said something wrong to her. Things just came out wrong, and I realize my mistake right after I said it. I can’t take it back, and I think I’ve lost my chance. So ever since, things had gotten a little distant between us. Our relationship just isn’t the same anymore. I was stressing out about it and over analyzing it for the past couple of weeks.

Today, nothing. I didn’t fret about it. Sure I thought about it, but I know there is nothing I can do about it. I just got to let things play out and try not to force anything. If it wasn’t for this change, I will probably still be thinking about what I did, and about how I can fix it. I can’t do anything. We just have to let it go and move on.

I think a major part of this calmness, is because there is no one that I’m obsessing over. I’m not obsessing over anyone anymore. That use to be a big problem. I use to obsess. Not anymore. I’ve moved o from those that I need to move on from. So this is what it is like to not obsess. It’s peaceful. It’s nice. Should have done this a while ago.

Again, I’ve been in the mood to write lately. It use to be that I need to be depressed to write, especially if it is creative writing. I think I’ll start to write something now. A new script. I haven’t really thought through any ideas that I have, but watching Lost in Translation have given me a inspiration to write something from the heart. Something different, yet sincere. How far will I get, I’m not sure. But I’m going to write, and that is a start.

I’m back. Am I really? I think I am.

Now what does this mean? Am I back to my old ways or am I just back to writing in general? Who knows? I surely don’t. But if I have to answer, I think it is a little bit of both.

I’m back to that old, angry, and selfish guy that everyone use to know and I think I am back to writing on a some what almost normal basis. I finished whatever it is that I needed to do. It is just time to follow up on it. Besides, I’ve been in the mood to write. Not just writing in the journal, but writing in general. To write, to clear my thoughts, my emotions, to purge all my pent up anger and frustrations that have been building up inside me. It’s time for a release.

So why am I back to that old, angry, and selfish guy…well, it all just comes down to one particular person that I have had problems recently. Have you ever had that friend that you just connect well with really quickly and the friend seems so cool and that it is nice? Well I got a friend like that, and it seems SHE is a bit pushy. She’s just a little too much for me to handle. I think things just got way out of hand. She’s been very attached, and the crazy thing is, she’s not even my girlfriend. I am not even attracted to her, and she’s FUCKING driving me OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND. She’s going to be the death of me.

Why do I feel this way about her? It’s just many things. I guess I lost my patience with her one day, and all the shit that I’ve been taking from her, I can’t take no more. Fuck her. I don’t care about her feelings. I know she means well, and she is trying to push me to do things, to be happy, but the thing is that she doesn’t understand me. She doesn’t understand that I am my own person, and that I don’t need a push, especially if it means that she is all encompassing in my life. I don’t need that. Just let me be. I’ve told her that, and does she listen? No.

She’s very persistent on trying to get me to do things. Sure it was nice at first, to have someone who cares about me enough to want me to be happy and go out and do things, but this is just too much. She’s just too much. I really can’t take it anymore. I’m going to try and ignore her.

I’m at a point where I might hurt her. Not physically mind you, but strictly on a emotional level. I’ve hurt her once before, or actually twice. I was actually upset at myself for doing that. If this keeps on, I will definitely hurt her again, whether intentional or not, and this time, I will not care. I try to get her to listen, to back off, but she’s just not having it. If it means that our friendship ends, fine. Our friendship ends.

You see, she just doesn’t understand me. And honestly, who understand themselves and what they do. I don’t understand myself 90% of the time. I am still trying to figure things out. She keeps on trying to get to the root of my problems. Why am I so angry? She thinks it’s something that has to do with my mom. Is she correct? Yes and no. It isn’t that simple. It’s just a number of things that just play with my neuroses.

Here is me in a nutshell. Where should I start?

Lets start at where she says, my mom, or my parents. I was angry with them for a long time. What child isn’t angry at their parents? I was the classic case. I loved my parents and they loved me. They didn’t show it in the idealistic Brady Bunch way, but they loved me. How did they show it, by being overprotective. Starting at a young age, they don’t like me to go out, and being a good son as I am, I didn’t. So growing up was very lonely, even though I was with my brother all the time, and other members of my family. I never really fitted socially in school. I was always the loner, the manic depressed alienated soul. And being stuck at home, actually to the point where I was comfortable being stuck at home, being antisocial, it really didn’t help my cause at all. For a while I was angry at them for doing that.

Another reason was that they always babied me. That is something I do not like at all. I had a yearning to be on my own ever since I was 16. I thought about going far far away for college, but at that time, I looked at family first. Family came first, even now, family comes first. It would have been tough on my parents at that time financially for me to go to a college that was out of state. My brother was going to college at the same time. So I couldn’t do it. Most of my decisions revolved around my parents, and I never felt free. For some reasons, they were the basis for almost all of my decisions. I made no decisions. My parents were my life, and I was angry at that.

Then I moved. I moved down here. At first it was hard, cause my parents didn’t really want to let me go. I’ve made some decisions on my own, and my father wasn’t particularly happy about it. I thought, hey, even though he’s a thousand miles away, he still has this control over me. I did what I did. I found a job, and I supported myself. They backed off. They didn’t have any say in my life anymore. It wasn’t until this past year, this past January, that my anger for my parents subsided. It was gone. I was actually homesick.

I was back on good terms with my parents again. I actually enjoyed my weekly calls with my dad. Hearing his voice, his “What’s up man?” everytime I answer the phone. I don’t hate them. I love them, and I actually respect them for what they did. There was no anger any more toward my parents. I was on good terms with them, and they really loved me. I know that now. Then what happened. My father passed away, when I finally wasn’t angry at him or my mom, my father died. How should that make me feel? I am angry, and why shouldn’t I be. Life is shit, and shit is life.

I’ve experienced a lot while I was growing up. Many things, especially death, and in such a small span of time. My grandfather passed away right before the millennium, my grandmother about 2 years later, and my dad a year and a half later. There were other deaths in my family before them, but I was too young to understand or see the impact. But when my grandfather died, I was an adult, and I’ve never lost anyone so close to me before.

Losing my grandmother was the toughest before my dad. I loved her dearly. There were many things that happened between the time my grandfather passed and when she passed that I was upset with. It had more to do with how she was treated than anything else. I didn’t agree with some of the things that my family had put her through, but I couldn’t say anything at all. My opinions didn’t mean anything when it came to my uncles and my father. They made all of the decisions, and it seemed my father had the same ideas that I had, which was to try and bring her home. Things got a little to tough at the end, and she ended up in a nursing home. She’s been moved in and out of nursing homes and my house in the span of two years.

It was during this time that when she was sick that I moved down to California. She loved me dearly. I was her favorite grandchild, and I abandoned her. I did. I felt guilty for doing it. Going home and seeing her slowly rot away in the nursing bed, eyes glazed over from the drugs. It’s just sad. And I left her. I know I shouldn’t feel this guilt, but I do. I felt angry at my family at this time also for not telling me what is happening with her. I wasn’t even told that she feel and broke her hip and had to have surgery until it was a week and a half later. See, it’s my parents trying to protect me again. The thing that I was the most upset about, as I stated in an earlier entry, was that I was never told about my grandmother’s death until nearly 5 hours later. It wasn’t my dad who told me, but my cousin. My dad called a little later, and he never apologized for not calling me earlier.

I’m lost. I have very little direction in my life at the moment. I am in my quarter life crisis. What do I want to do? Where do I want to go? I’m still trying to figure myself out. I moved out here for a reason, and that is film. I still want to do film. But how close am I to actually succeeding? Not very, because I’m not that big of a risk taker. I don’t usually take large risks unless I’m totally sure that things will work out good. This film thing is one of the risks that I don’t know if it is a sure thing. I just lack the courage, or I’m afraid of failure. I haven’t figure out which. For the longest time, I had my life planned out, and it is nothing like it is now. Nothing.

Is my life particularly bad now. No not really. It’s just not where I want to be, and that is a confused mess. Not a clue of where I want to go and what I want to do. I think I just need more time to figure things out and just see where life takes me.

Now comes to some final issues. And that is those of relationships, sex, and such. I have practically no experience in this realm. Sure I should just go out and get laid and get it over with. My friend says that it will make me a happier person. Is she right? Sure, that could be a reason why I am so angry. Relationships, and girls have always been a problem in my life. As posted before, I always fall for the unattainable girls. Don’t really remember why or if I gave a reason in my earlier posting, but I really don’t know. It wasn’t until recently that I’ve gotten comfortable with myself and with being alone. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. For a large part of my life I got the warped idea that to be normal, I need to be with some one. It isn’t until these past 2-3 years that I realize that is not true. It wasn’t until recently that I’m normal, so why rush into a relationship.

You can call me old fashion, but short term relationships never really crossed my mind. I’ve always been looking for that one long term relationship. Sure it scares many to even think about long term, but I don’t have any problem with it. I think at this point, it’s not just a matter of not having confidence, but more of the matter of the situation. I have the confidence, well enough at least, it’s just the circumstance.

It’s been suggested that I go out and get any girl who is willing to bed. But the idea of one night stands, though it fulfills some wicked fantasy, or just having sex with as many girls as I can, it just doesn’t float my boat. I know this may sound cheesy and sappy, but the romantic in me just want to meet a girl, get to know her, and just let things develop. That’s all I want. That’s how things should be, but I guess in the real world, things just don’t happen that way.

Now because of the age I am, and that I’m a virgin, and I’m a fairly attractive guy (so I’ve been told), many think I’m gay, or they say it in a joking tone. Some time there is no tone, and the gay jokes keeps coming. Why do they think that? I don’t know, for those reasons stated, because they can’t understand why I’m still a virgin, being who I am. Also, I’m very sensitive, or that I’m a really nice guy, or that I’m a drama queen, and I do get very moody. They see my feminine qualities and they put everything together and they come up with that conclusion. Are they right? Thinking back and looking at things that are happening now, I can honestly say that I am not. Sometimes I do feel that I should go that way because they are labeling me that. Labeling theory.

I think these are some of the reasons of why I am the way I am. I’m sure there are millions of other reasons, whether conscious or subconscious, that makes me who I am. If you can’t understand me, don’t worry, cause I don’t understand myself. Just don’t try to change me so you can understand me better. If you just let me be and accept who I am, then we will be cool. That is all I ask.