I’m stupid.

Let’s just get this out there. I am. That is the final word.

I’ve done many stupid things in my life, but nothing compares to what I’ve done these past few days.

I am a very ungrateful, selfish, and stupid person.

I offended, hurt, whatever you want to call it, two friends.

I took both of their friendship for granted.

One, I took all that she’s done for me for granted, and in a way threw it back in her face. She genuinely cares for me, and wants to help me out and take care of me. But I pushed her away. I’m sorry.

The other, I betrayed her trust, betrayed her confidence in me. It took me so long to get to where I was with her, and I jeopardized it with what I did. She told me something in confidence, and I didn’t keep it in confidence. I thought I would use what she told me to do some good. I made something that was nothing into a giant something. This is what I get for trying to use my judgement and do something good. I deserved it. She says that she’s over it, but I don’t think we can go back to the way things were because of it. I fucked up, and I’m sorry.

I just have to say, today was not the best day for me emotionally.

I found out that I am a belligerent drunk. I’m pushing people who care about me away. I did the one thing that I never wanted to do. I hurt someone that I genuinely care about. I hurt someone that actually cares about me.

Maybe things were just going too good for me. Maybe I was just way too happy than I should be, and it was time for a reality check. This shit happened because of me, whether it was conscious or not, it happened because of me. I don’t know why. Maybe I am getting to close, and I need my space. And the only way I know how to get space is to push people away.

When I was younger, it was easier for me to get space. I just keep away from people. I alienate myself from my friends at school. It was easy, simple. I disappeared into the crowd. Things are different now. I got nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. So I push them away.

I like space. I need space. That’s how I operate. I am alone because I like alot of space, and it also means I don’t get close. As much as I want to get close, make contact with someone; there is a deep seeded feeling in me to push them away, to not get so close. I am a loner, so I have to cut these ties.

So what do I do now? What do we do now? We just pretend to forget and have things go back to normal. We just let time take its usual affect on us. It is the only thing we can do.