I think I’ve reached a lazy point in my life. I haven’t been motivated to do anything lately. It’s been happening for the past couple of months actually. All I’ve been doing is sitting on my ass. Sure I’ve just finshed that script and is about to start that photography class, but I’m not talking about that. Those are new things, different thing that I don’t mind doing. What I’m talking about is about the basic little everyday things.

The main thing is the whole cooking thing. For the past couple of months (2 or 3) I haven’t cooked anything. Sure I’ve cooked some steaks or some burgers for dinner, but I mean real cooking. I love to cook. I use to cook a lot actually. Just make stuff up. Whatever sounds good in my head, and whatever just make sense and I just cook it. Most of the time it turns out all right, and others are just gag inducing. But the thing was, I use to cook, but now, I’m just a lazy bum. I’ve been spending a lot of money on food.

I’ve been ordering out lately. Pizza last night (even though the buy one get one free deal is great), it is still money. I just think when, why, how did I become so lazy.

Even the dishes are piling up in the sink. I usually either wash it that night, or the next day. But they’ve been sitting in the sink for days at a time.

I’ve even become lazy at work. Sure I do my work, but I’m not doing as fast I’ve use to. I’ve become really unmotivated to work. Waking up each day, dreading the day to come, knowing I have to deal with my boss. Oh…I just wonder why.

Things have seriously change for me. My drive is gone. My routine for writing has been ehhh at best. Last year around this time, I’ll be hard at work right now, writing. Finishing a script or something. But now, it’s not happening. I would use to write about this time of night to about 2 or 3 in the morning. What happened to those days? What just happened? Is this what it means to be old? You lose your drive to do anything.

Talking with Lisa today, we started to talk about her writing. She writes, or should I say, she use to write. She write short stories. Tall Tales and Tall Women is the title of the collection of short stories she was planning on writing. The concept was that these short stories will revolve around these certain number of characthers she’s came up in this particular universe. It is like the characters in the View Askew universe, for those who are in the know about the Kevin Smith films. It was along those lines. Anyway, she hasn’t written in a while, but she’s starting to think and flesh out the stories a little more. And honestly, they are good, they are interesting.

She has a writing style that I’ve never read before; grant it that I’ve been reading Clancy, King, and Koontz for practically my whole life. They aren’t really the female type. But anywho, I like her style of writing. It just has something to it, a certain flare if you will. She’s good. She’s a much better writer than I am, that is for sure. Many writers out there are much better than me actually, but that’s beside the point. Anywho, I’ve keep insisting that she writes again, cause I want to read her stuff. But she doesn’t. She’s not motivated.

This is disheartening to me. A great talent like her not wanting to write because she just doesn’t feel it.

Sometimes I wonder why do I bother doing the things I do. I mean, why? What’s the point? Not that anyone reads it anyway. Well some do, and I’m thankful. Ahhh, I don’t know what I’m trying to say.

Let’s move on.

I’ve been having these weird mood swings again. I’ll go from days of giddiness to days of downright dark manic depression. Tuesday was one of those days. It started out well. It started as one of those giddy days, then in the afternoon, the depression crept in. It lasted all day yesterday. It was bad yesterday. I didn’t want to deal with anyone, talk to anyone. I just wanted to lock myself in a hole. I actually thought about going home early because I broke down a couple times at work.

Those days are getting tougher and tougher to get through. But they just seem to creep up on me. I’m better now. Today was a good day. See, weird mood swings. Sometimes I think I’m going through PMS.

I am a weird guy. I know. I do weird things; talking with myself, I laugh at almost everything, I sing cheesey love songs to myself, I’m way to sensitive, very melodramatic at times. All things I could understand. It is within my weirdness. There is one thing that I find weird about me. I’m a jumpy guy. I get startled easily. I don’t drink coffee, so I’m not wired on caffeine. I don’t know why I’m so jumpy. I don’t get scared easily. I’m a little paranoid, sure, who isn’t, but jumpy? That is a weird one for me.

I don’t know why, but it just happens a lot to me. Like today, Kate scared the living crap out of me, and she didn’t mean to. Coming back from the bathroom, I was walking back through the hall and I turned into the doorway, and there she was, just standing there..and I got scared. Believe me when i say that Kate is not that scary. She’s quite easy on the eyes actually, but I jumped out of my skin. She’s done that to me a few times already. Kate has it in for me I’m telling you. She wants me dead, gone, eliminated. Each time she’ll tell me to relax, and I’ll joke around with her and say that she’s freaky. She is a little, just a little. But she called me a freak, because this was the biggest scare in a while.

Anyway, I really don’t know why. Maybe it is just because I didn’t expect her there. Maybe I was lost in thought and I didn’t see her until it was too late, or my peripheral vision is down, or I need to stop being such a “dedicated” walker, but I get jumpy. Most of the time it is unexpected movements, movements out of the corner of my eye that I wasn’t expecting. See, I really don’t pay attention to where I walk I guess. I’ll always look around but not see, or I’ll be lost in thought thinking of stupid little things. I never really pay attention. Maybe I just need to start paying attention.

Sometimes I would think it is because I keep thinking that I’m all alone all the time. I don’t think that there is anyone around cause I’m just alone. When I hear something or see someone out of the corner of my eye and I wasn’t expecting it, I’ll just jump.

People would laugh at me of course, cause it is just strange. I’m a scaredy cat. That’s what Amber called me once when she scared the crap out of me back in senior year of highschool. Ahhh, I just find it fascinating and strange that I am so jumpy. What is wrong with me? Maybe I have a weak heart. Who knows.