Well I wrote something tonight. Something long and personal, but for some reason, whether it was fate, destiny telling me that I can’t post that, it is too personal, or that it was just a stupid computer error, the computer froze and I lost that entry.

What was it about? It was honestly about me moving on.

I wrote about my sickness of falling for unattainable girls. It’s happened throughout my life. I’ll always find the pretty girls who are out of my league, the girls with boyfriends, the girls who just want to be friends, the girls who just have no interest in me whatsoever. I was masochistic.

I went on writing about them, then on to Amber and how she really hurt me in highschool. Yet we never went out. Is it possible to love, or to know what love is without ever being in a relationship? I’m not talking about the familial love, but LOVE love. Movie love. Romantic love. Is it possible?

Ehh..why bother answering the question.

Back to what I was saying, I had problems. I find these unattainable girls because it was safe. I didn’t have to go out with them, cause I know there is no chance for me to go out with them. None at all, so I have a reason to feel the way I felt. It gave me a reason to indulge in my pathetic-ism…that is not a word, but go with it.

Back then, I wasn’t a catch at all. Low self-esteem, self-confidence was nonexistent. I was shy. Your typical nerdy teen. I wasn’t very happy with myself..so I dream these impossible dreams and fall for these impossible dreams.

But times have changed. I’m not that kid anymore. There is still some of him in me, but not as much. I’ve changed, I’ve grown into a new man.

For the longest time when I was younger, up until I was in college, I have these crushes and I never acted on them. I never let them know, never asked them out. Well besides Amber, but that was different. I never did, never had the confidence to. Then in college, working at the Zoo Store, I did. I fixated on this girl who turned out to be a lesbian. If you are reading this, we should schedule a time to chat. I would really like to catch up.

But see, it was then when I changed. It was then, when I didn’t care about much anymore, and became a little more carefree. Maybe it was because I knew that I was going to graduate soon, and be on my own, but I started to loosen up a little bit. I started to drink, to socialize. That summer was the summer I started to change, that summer before senior year in college. I asked a girl out.

For the longest time after highschool, I thought I would never fall in that trap again, but I did. I keep on finding these girls that I fall for. I thought it would change after I moved down here, but yet, it happens again, which leads me to my current infatuation.

She’s changed my life. Well, let’s not go that far, but she’s one of the biggest reasons, one of the biggest factors that helped me become the person you know today. Thinking back on why I fell for her, I don’t know? She was pretty in my eyes, she was quiet (considering it took her 3 months to actually talk to me, and I was the one who initiated the conversation), she was a mystery. Of course I feel for her. I wanted to find out who she is, and I’ve gotten to do that. In the process, I fell for her. She was my first. She was the first girl that I actually try to pursue, not first in that department. Haven’t gone there yet. I asked her out time and time again, and time and time again she would decline. Well, it was a piss poor effor on my part, but I’ve learned to take rejection like nothing. I would just get back on the horse and do it again, later. At first it was difficult and devastating, but now..I don’t care cause I know she’ll never want to go there with me. It’s routine. Also, through the process, through our conversations, I’ve become less shy, more confident in speaking with girls, and with everyone else, I’ve become more social. I’ve become better.

I found out that we have a lot in common, similar interests, and I really enjoy her company. She makes me laugh. I can’t speak on her behalf, but I would like to think, actually I know she enjoys my company also. I would like to think that is all it takes for things to work out, but unfortunately life never works that way. Life is never that easy. The thing is I don’t think she’s interested in me in that way. There are some days that I think she is, but I’m really not sure. I’m bad at reading girls. Sure when she first knew me, I wasn’t much of a catch. Not that much different than I am now actually. Now I am some what average looking on a average day, good looking on others, and down right terrible for the rest, but I am damn funny, I can be charming whenever I want to be, I have a great sense of humor, I’m smart, and I’m genuinely a nice guy with a mean streak from time to time. Some what good qualities, right? All right, I’m no catch, but come on…give a man a break here.

Anywho, she’s just not interested. Sometimes I would like to think if our situations were different, she might reconsider. I would think that maybe she does like me, but if only things were different. Thinking about that, nah, that’s not it. She’s just not interested in me in that way. Maybe she’s afraid to jeopardize our friendship, afraid to take that risk. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t think I care anymore. I think I see that it is not worth it because she genuinely isn’t interested. It is a hopeless fight folks.

One thing that I find funny about this thing is that once I’ve gotten myself together, to accept who I am and became comfortable with myself. Once I’ve become confident about myself, comfortable with my looks, just love myself, I feel that I don’t need to be with anyone. I actually enjoy being alone. That silly notion of needing to be with someone to be normal, has gone out the window. That idea is gone, out of my head. I actually enjoy my independence.

I guess what I was trying to say or what I’m trying to say is that I need to move on. I see that things aren’t going to work out, and I think I just need to open my heart out to others, instead of saving it for her. It is kind of pointless to save it for someone who really doesn’t want to be in my heart. I will take our friendship and leave it at that, a great friendship and nothing more and be satisfied with it. I am greatly satisfied with it. My friendship with her is one of the most important things I have down here. I’ll forever cherish it. But it is time for me to move on, to find another person who might be more receptive to my charms. And I think I may have already done that.

I think I will just let my feelings for her die a quiet death like how she would like it, and leave it at that. I’ll just let the next one creep up on me. I think it may already have.