As Bob Dylan says, “Times are a changing.”

I want things to change. Things are going to change. But I am just waiting for them to change. I need to make the changes myself. Tomorrow is the day I will start (oh so I tell myself).

I’m starting my photography class tomorrow. What do I expect from it? I don’t know. Maybe it will help me take better pictures, hopefully. I will get to meet new people, make new friends, and maybe I won’t be afraid to go out and “live” as Kate puts it.

This class will make me have to go out more, cause I’m pretty sure as a assignment, I would need to get out of the cramped quarters and take pictures. I would have to go out into the world and capture what I see, capture time.

While I’m going out doing these things, might as well have fun with it. But see, my idea of what fun is is totally warped from what other people deem as fun. Me, I find enjoyment in the little things I do. It doesn’t take that much for me to have some fun. I do my own thing alone, whether it is shopping, going to take pictures, going to museums or the zoo by myself, watching movies, or even reading. Others’ idea of what fun is involves groups of people, loud music and cramped quarters.

I hate people, don’t like don’t like dance music, and I’m a little claustrophobic. Their fun is not my fun.

But I guess I need to change that. I need to go out and “rave.” (urghh like I ever will). I don’t know. This is my life. It is boring, not much happens, but this is my life. As sad as it sounds, and as lonely as it sounds, I enjoy it. It is a lifestyle that I’ve grown accustomed to. I’m a loner. Go figure.

If this class goes well, I think I will take more. Fiction writing class, screenplay class, a painting class, maybe the live nude model class also. I just want to do something artistic. I haven’t done anything artistic in while, and I’m going through withdrawal. I got an itch to doodle, to draw, to paint, but I never do. Don’t have the supplies.

I wrote a script a few weeks ago. I’ve sent it out and I have 3 reviews back. 3. They were generally good. They found it interesting. Lisa thought it was good (in the sense that it was much better than my other scripts). But is it really good. I enjoyed the story, what I tried to do. There were some problems of course. TWo of the reviews wer every constructive, yet they were contradictory. I guess I just need ot get more reviews in to see how others think of it. In the meantime, I’m just reading.

I haven’t gotten my copy of the new Harry Potter book yet. I’ll get mine tomorrow. So I’m reading Blue Beard and I finished The Lovely Bones last night or should I say this morning (2 am). Many loved and I mean loved The Lovely Bones, but I didn’t see why. Sure it was interesting, the approach unique. But the ending just didn’t do it for me. There was one aspect that just ruined the whole book. It was something I didn’t buy. It didn’t work for me.

I have my idea for the next script already. It is very personal, but I’m not sure if I’m ever going to write it. It is difficult, it is too personal, and it just wouldn’t sell. I need something more commercial. Something that will sell, but my mind doesn’t work that way unfortuantely.

So I guess I need to do something else. Lisa is trying to push me into short story writing. I never found any interest in doing short stories. The last one I wrote was in sophmore year in highschool. I never tried after that. Never thought about it while I decided to make a living off of my writings. I think I should. I just don’t know how. I don’t have the style, the prose, pizazz to write that way. I should try though.

That is my next step, take a writing class. That will come later, I’m sure. In the mean time, I need to figure out what I want to do with my life. Film is still in my dreams, but I need to think realistically for the moment. Find something that makes me happy, and I enjoy doing, that can support me. And I write on my free time. Maybe I’ll become a great short story writer and I could get publish. Oh how I dream.

I think I’ve reached a lazy point in my life. I haven’t been motivated to do anything lately. It’s been happening for the past couple of months actually. All I’ve been doing is sitting on my ass. Sure I’ve just finshed that script and is about to start that photography class, but I’m not talking about that. Those are new things, different thing that I don’t mind doing. What I’m talking about is about the basic little everyday things.

The main thing is the whole cooking thing. For the past couple of months (2 or 3) I haven’t cooked anything. Sure I’ve cooked some steaks or some burgers for dinner, but I mean real cooking. I love to cook. I use to cook a lot actually. Just make stuff up. Whatever sounds good in my head, and whatever just make sense and I just cook it. Most of the time it turns out all right, and others are just gag inducing. But the thing was, I use to cook, but now, I’m just a lazy bum. I’ve been spending a lot of money on food.

I’ve been ordering out lately. Pizza last night (even though the buy one get one free deal is great), it is still money. I just think when, why, how did I become so lazy.

Even the dishes are piling up in the sink. I usually either wash it that night, or the next day. But they’ve been sitting in the sink for days at a time.

I’ve even become lazy at work. Sure I do my work, but I’m not doing as fast I’ve use to. I’ve become really unmotivated to work. Waking up each day, dreading the day to come, knowing I have to deal with my boss. Oh…I just wonder why.

Things have seriously change for me. My drive is gone. My routine for writing has been ehhh at best. Last year around this time, I’ll be hard at work right now, writing. Finishing a script or something. But now, it’s not happening. I would use to write about this time of night to about 2 or 3 in the morning. What happened to those days? What just happened? Is this what it means to be old? You lose your drive to do anything.

Talking with Lisa today, we started to talk about her writing. She writes, or should I say, she use to write. She write short stories. Tall Tales and Tall Women is the title of the collection of short stories she was planning on writing. The concept was that these short stories will revolve around these certain number of characthers she’s came up in this particular universe. It is like the characters in the View Askew universe, for those who are in the know about the Kevin Smith films. It was along those lines. Anyway, she hasn’t written in a while, but she’s starting to think and flesh out the stories a little more. And honestly, they are good, they are interesting.

She has a writing style that I’ve never read before; grant it that I’ve been reading Clancy, King, and Koontz for practically my whole life. They aren’t really the female type. But anywho, I like her style of writing. It just has something to it, a certain flare if you will. She’s good. She’s a much better writer than I am, that is for sure. Many writers out there are much better than me actually, but that’s beside the point. Anywho, I’ve keep insisting that she writes again, cause I want to read her stuff. But she doesn’t. She’s not motivated.

This is disheartening to me. A great talent like her not wanting to write because she just doesn’t feel it.

Sometimes I wonder why do I bother doing the things I do. I mean, why? What’s the point? Not that anyone reads it anyway. Well some do, and I’m thankful. Ahhh, I don’t know what I’m trying to say.

Let’s move on.

I’ve been having these weird mood swings again. I’ll go from days of giddiness to days of downright dark manic depression. Tuesday was one of those days. It started out well. It started as one of those giddy days, then in the afternoon, the depression crept in. It lasted all day yesterday. It was bad yesterday. I didn’t want to deal with anyone, talk to anyone. I just wanted to lock myself in a hole. I actually thought about going home early because I broke down a couple times at work.

Those days are getting tougher and tougher to get through. But they just seem to creep up on me. I’m better now. Today was a good day. See, weird mood swings. Sometimes I think I’m going through PMS.

I am a weird guy. I know. I do weird things; talking with myself, I laugh at almost everything, I sing cheesey love songs to myself, I’m way to sensitive, very melodramatic at times. All things I could understand. It is within my weirdness. There is one thing that I find weird about me. I’m a jumpy guy. I get startled easily. I don’t drink coffee, so I’m not wired on caffeine. I don’t know why I’m so jumpy. I don’t get scared easily. I’m a little paranoid, sure, who isn’t, but jumpy? That is a weird one for me.

I don’t know why, but it just happens a lot to me. Like today, Kate scared the living crap out of me, and she didn’t mean to. Coming back from the bathroom, I was walking back through the hall and I turned into the doorway, and there she was, just standing there..and I got scared. Believe me when i say that Kate is not that scary. She’s quite easy on the eyes actually, but I jumped out of my skin. She’s done that to me a few times already. Kate has it in for me I’m telling you. She wants me dead, gone, eliminated. Each time she’ll tell me to relax, and I’ll joke around with her and say that she’s freaky. She is a little, just a little. But she called me a freak, because this was the biggest scare in a while.

Anyway, I really don’t know why. Maybe it is just because I didn’t expect her there. Maybe I was lost in thought and I didn’t see her until it was too late, or my peripheral vision is down, or I need to stop being such a “dedicated” walker, but I get jumpy. Most of the time it is unexpected movements, movements out of the corner of my eye that I wasn’t expecting. See, I really don’t pay attention to where I walk I guess. I’ll always look around but not see, or I’ll be lost in thought thinking of stupid little things. I never really pay attention. Maybe I just need to start paying attention.

Sometimes I would think it is because I keep thinking that I’m all alone all the time. I don’t think that there is anyone around cause I’m just alone. When I hear something or see someone out of the corner of my eye and I wasn’t expecting it, I’ll just jump.

People would laugh at me of course, cause it is just strange. I’m a scaredy cat. That’s what Amber called me once when she scared the crap out of me back in senior year of highschool. Ahhh, I just find it fascinating and strange that I am so jumpy. What is wrong with me? Maybe I have a weak heart. Who knows.

Well I wrote something tonight. Something long and personal, but for some reason, whether it was fate, destiny telling me that I can’t post that, it is too personal, or that it was just a stupid computer error, the computer froze and I lost that entry.

What was it about? It was honestly about me moving on.

I wrote about my sickness of falling for unattainable girls. It’s happened throughout my life. I’ll always find the pretty girls who are out of my league, the girls with boyfriends, the girls who just want to be friends, the girls who just have no interest in me whatsoever. I was masochistic.

I went on writing about them, then on to Amber and how she really hurt me in highschool. Yet we never went out. Is it possible to love, or to know what love is without ever being in a relationship? I’m not talking about the familial love, but LOVE love. Movie love. Romantic love. Is it possible?

Ehh..why bother answering the question.

Back to what I was saying, I had problems. I find these unattainable girls because it was safe. I didn’t have to go out with them, cause I know there is no chance for me to go out with them. None at all, so I have a reason to feel the way I felt. It gave me a reason to indulge in my pathetic-ism…that is not a word, but go with it.

Back then, I wasn’t a catch at all. Low self-esteem, self-confidence was nonexistent. I was shy. Your typical nerdy teen. I wasn’t very happy with myself..so I dream these impossible dreams and fall for these impossible dreams.

But times have changed. I’m not that kid anymore. There is still some of him in me, but not as much. I’ve changed, I’ve grown into a new man.

For the longest time when I was younger, up until I was in college, I have these crushes and I never acted on them. I never let them know, never asked them out. Well besides Amber, but that was different. I never did, never had the confidence to. Then in college, working at the Zoo Store, I did. I fixated on this girl who turned out to be a lesbian. If you are reading this, we should schedule a time to chat. I would really like to catch up.

But see, it was then when I changed. It was then, when I didn’t care about much anymore, and became a little more carefree. Maybe it was because I knew that I was going to graduate soon, and be on my own, but I started to loosen up a little bit. I started to drink, to socialize. That summer was the summer I started to change, that summer before senior year in college. I asked a girl out.

For the longest time after highschool, I thought I would never fall in that trap again, but I did. I keep on finding these girls that I fall for. I thought it would change after I moved down here, but yet, it happens again, which leads me to my current infatuation.

She’s changed my life. Well, let’s not go that far, but she’s one of the biggest reasons, one of the biggest factors that helped me become the person you know today. Thinking back on why I fell for her, I don’t know? She was pretty in my eyes, she was quiet (considering it took her 3 months to actually talk to me, and I was the one who initiated the conversation), she was a mystery. Of course I feel for her. I wanted to find out who she is, and I’ve gotten to do that. In the process, I fell for her. She was my first. She was the first girl that I actually try to pursue, not first in that department. Haven’t gone there yet. I asked her out time and time again, and time and time again she would decline. Well, it was a piss poor effor on my part, but I’ve learned to take rejection like nothing. I would just get back on the horse and do it again, later. At first it was difficult and devastating, but now..I don’t care cause I know she’ll never want to go there with me. It’s routine. Also, through the process, through our conversations, I’ve become less shy, more confident in speaking with girls, and with everyone else, I’ve become more social. I’ve become better.

I found out that we have a lot in common, similar interests, and I really enjoy her company. She makes me laugh. I can’t speak on her behalf, but I would like to think, actually I know she enjoys my company also. I would like to think that is all it takes for things to work out, but unfortunately life never works that way. Life is never that easy. The thing is I don’t think she’s interested in me in that way. There are some days that I think she is, but I’m really not sure. I’m bad at reading girls. Sure when she first knew me, I wasn’t much of a catch. Not that much different than I am now actually. Now I am some what average looking on a average day, good looking on others, and down right terrible for the rest, but I am damn funny, I can be charming whenever I want to be, I have a great sense of humor, I’m smart, and I’m genuinely a nice guy with a mean streak from time to time. Some what good qualities, right? All right, I’m no catch, but come on…give a man a break here.

Anywho, she’s just not interested. Sometimes I would like to think if our situations were different, she might reconsider. I would think that maybe she does like me, but if only things were different. Thinking about that, nah, that’s not it. She’s just not interested in me in that way. Maybe she’s afraid to jeopardize our friendship, afraid to take that risk. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t think I care anymore. I think I see that it is not worth it because she genuinely isn’t interested. It is a hopeless fight folks.

One thing that I find funny about this thing is that once I’ve gotten myself together, to accept who I am and became comfortable with myself. Once I’ve become confident about myself, comfortable with my looks, just love myself, I feel that I don’t need to be with anyone. I actually enjoy being alone. That silly notion of needing to be with someone to be normal, has gone out the window. That idea is gone, out of my head. I actually enjoy my independence.

I guess what I was trying to say or what I’m trying to say is that I need to move on. I see that things aren’t going to work out, and I think I just need to open my heart out to others, instead of saving it for her. It is kind of pointless to save it for someone who really doesn’t want to be in my heart. I will take our friendship and leave it at that, a great friendship and nothing more and be satisfied with it. I am greatly satisfied with it. My friendship with her is one of the most important things I have down here. I’ll forever cherish it. But it is time for me to move on, to find another person who might be more receptive to my charms. And I think I may have already done that.

I think I will just let my feelings for her die a quiet death like how she would like it, and leave it at that. I’ll just let the next one creep up on me. I think it may already have.

..procrastinating.

Like I said, I am supposed to have my script done tomorrow night for you all. Which means I should have finished it tonight and proofread it tomorrow and revised anything that didn’t work. Well I usually don’t revise, especially the first draft cause I actualy revise as I go, so basically I just need to proof it over when I’m finished. But here I am, procrastinating, sitting in front of my computer, actually lounging in front of my computer, listening to my library of mp3s, not writing a word.

I have everything in my head. There is about 6 scense left to write in about 10 pages. I’m on page 18 now, yet, I can’t write. That’s how it usually is with me. Even with the script I’m rewriting, everything is in my head. I know how it should go, what to write. I could see the movie in my head, scene for scene, but I can’t write it. I can’t put it into words. I’m not inspiired, or maybe I’m scared to finish it. Don’t know why I’m scared. Or maybe I think I’m a terrible writer. Even now, I still have problems with simple grammar. Bad grammar, that is my downfall. Monica and I joke about me taking grammar classes at the local community college. That is how bad my grammar is. It could be that, or I’m scared. And i think it is because I’m scared.

I’m scared that it will not live up to my expectations, or that no one will like it. Like I said last night, I’m sending it to a producer and a friend of mine has already produced, shot, and directed a short. I’m sending it to him also, and another friend who write scripts. Also, I’m sending it to friends that never read my stuff before. It is quite daunting to send friends you hardly know, or just send stuff that you like, or even love to people to read. I’m just afraid to hear what they think. I’m just afraid to get a bad review.

From what I have, I have to say, this is the best thing I’ve written. That is saying a lot. The dialogue is cheesey and bad, yes; that is my major weakness in scripting. But I have to say, it is not as bad as the dialogue in my features. Structure, there is actually structure. The script actually builds up to a climax. The structure is fine, everything is fine, but I’m still scared, cause it is so close to being finished.

Again, I thought of this script months ago, and really thought it through, well not all the way through. I thought about the major plot points and certain scenes and how they should happen, and there are other stuff that I just added to make the script flow better and build more tension. Other than that, not much have changed from then, except the ending, but the essence of the piece is still there from the beginning. An observation of a family. This one actually lived up to my expectations without changing much. My other scripts changed as I went through the writing process; I thought of something else to add, or took it in another direction than I originally intended. This one I stuck with it.

Since conception, I knew this would be the first film of mine that I will produce and shoot. I just don’t know when, but I knew this will be my piece, my calling card. Mr. Carver estimated with his film that it is $1,000 a minute. My script is aiming to be 25-30 minutes, which mean big bucks. I don’t have that kind of money, but I have faith that something will happen and it will get made. Keep in mind that this is only the first draft. To me, everything that I placed in the script has a purpose, is there and cannot be excised. That is the mentality of a writer; it is tough to cut what you write and love.

I know that there will be subsequent drafts that will slim down the script; tighten it up a little bit, to make it flow better. So the costs might drop down a few bucks. Here’s to hopeing.

So I guess I’m writing now to get whatever procrastination I needed to get out of my system. As long as I could get two or three pages out tonight, that will leave me with the 3rd act. Five pages to do tomorrow and I’ll be finished, and my script will face the critics.

Maybe I’m just not depressed enough to write.

I have a mo-hawk today. I feel cool.

…laundromat.

I met a independent film producer. She mainly produces shorts. She has her own production company, she’s gone to school, blah blah blah. She’s done stuff, produced many student shorts and other things. We talked.

Well I was going through my romantic comedy script to refresh my memory of what I wrote about. I found an ad the other day looking for a romantic comedy script, and I took my shot and replied to it. They haven’t asked for my script yet, and I’m not sure if they will, but I sent them a description of my script. It is Sleepless in Seattle meets Serendipity with a touch of Office Space. I finished the script last July and sent it to everyone to peruse. It was submitted to Project Greenlight and there were some reviews of the script. Out of 7 reviews, only two gave it medium scores, the others thought it was terrible. Some say it was pretentious and show offy. Of the 2 decent reviews, many liked the beginning and the ending, but I lost them in the second act. I see the problem, and will fix it up eventually. But anyway, I have to sign a release form that protects the production company, giving them the right to look at my script. They need a description of the plot, and so I need to go through my script. I got one of my character’s name wrong when I wrote them the brief description. I should have looked through it last night when I was responding to the ad.

Anyway, I’m reading the script, to refresh my mind, and this lady walks by and asks if I’m reading a screenplay, and I said yeah. She asked if I wrote it, and of course, yes. Anywho we just started talking, she told me her story, and how she went to film school and thought that it was a waste of time. She started a production company 3 years ago. There were good times and there were bad times.

Her website is http://deewrightproductions.tripod.com

But anywho, we talked, and she encouraged me to keep writing. To write everyday. Writing is like playing basketball, you have to keep writing to learn the craft, and to get better. And eventually, through hard work and perseverance, I will make it someday. These are things I’ve heard of course, mainly from Mr. Carver, and I’m going to try to stick to that. Write everyday, and everyday I will. She told me it doesn’t have to be a script that I’m writing, but just to keep writing. I guess this is what my journal is for.

I told her I’m working on a short right now and I’ll send her a copy to look over when I’m finished. I should have the short finished on Saturday, hopefully. Anywho, I think I’m going to send it in to her to read. Nothing may come of it, or she may steal it (being the cynic that I am). I don’t know, and at the moment, I don’t care. It’s a big risk, but its a chance if something does come out of it.

Then something disappointing came to my attention.

On the drive home I decided to pull into Jack-in-the-Box to buy some dinner. You know my love for the $0.99 menu. I pulled up, and what do you know, the Jumbo Jack is no longer $0.99. It is $1.29. I felt jipped. The Jumbo Jack is a staple of mine from Jack-in-the-Box because it is a decent burger, and it is cheap. So I bought a crappy Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger meal instead. How disappointing. So now, I am officially retracting from my list of things that makes me happy, the Jack-in-the-Box $0.99 menu. I don’t think there will be anything that will replace that. Atleast I still have the Albertson’s fried chicken.

These past couple of days have been very eye opening for me. Well I wouldn’t say eye opening like, wow, that blows my mind and such, but I would say that it was refreshing. A friend of mine told me things that I never thought she would. What she told me really made me understand her better, to see where she’s coming from. It was very personal. I’m sure it was tough for her to tell me what she did, and if you are reading this, I want to thank you for it. See, it isn’t that bad to share is it?

It helped put things in perspective, well kind of. Hearing what she told me, and thinking about what I had, it really opened my eyes to see how grateful I should be for what I had growing up, It just blows my mind to hear her say these things, and me just not comprehending it because I never experienced these things. It helped me understand why she’s the way she is.

Also yesterday, I had a really pleasant conversation with another friend. She made me realize that yes, I am a cynic like the great Ella said I was. I was just to blind to see. It’s funny how I never saw any of these things, my cynicism, my stubborness, until they were pointed out to me. For the longest time last year Stephanie was frustrated with me because of my stubborness. Being stubborn, I told her that I wasn’t stubborn. But now I see that I am. I take after my father.

Like now, with my friends help, I actually understand what it means to be a cynic. I guess I never really understood the definition, or the concept of being cynic. Now I do, and yes I am a cynic. I want to apologize to my friend and say you are right, I am wrong.

Well talking with my friend yesterday was great. I rarely get to talk to her because she works at a different part of the office. In our short (about 1.5 hours) conversation yesterday, I see her differently now. I guess I see her flaws and her vulnerability because I see her and understand her better. She helped put things in perspective. Before, she’s always been this unapproachable person, a person I work with, a person I know I would like to get to know better. She was a mystery. Before I would just think of her as the beautiful girl with everything going her way. (As you can probably tell, I put everyone I like on a untouchable pedestal. She has no flaws and is perfection) That there isn’t any kind of internal conflict or any troubles like those she told me. I didn’t see that, or wouldn’t have known until she told me. It was totally shocking to hear that, especially from her. I mean, wow, here’s a girl, out of my league like the other one is, and she has problems just like me. I was very surprised to hear her tell me what she did (sure I may be self deluding myself to believe that I’m special and she is just telling me and no one else, but in actuality she tells everyone this) and so soon.

We barely know each other, we rarely have talks. Well I wouldn’t say we barely know each other..we know enough. When we talk, most of the time it will be work related or the “Hi, How are you”s, the formalities. To me, what she told me are very personal things, well atleast, I think they are personal. They were things about herself, how she thinks of herself, and how she sees herself. I guess I’m just very surprised to hear her tell me these things when we barely know each other and so soon. I mean it took me a while to get any thing personal from my current infatuation. Well, maybe she’s just reciprocating because of the things I tell her. Everyone knows I’m a very open person, and I’ll tell you very personal things about me. Maybe she’s just returning the favor, or she feels comfortable with me. Who knows. She’s a girl, and I know jack diddly squat about them.

So, slowly I am getting to know her, and hopefully I could get to know her better. But at the moment, I am content with what she told me.

Anywho, I need to start finishing my script. I’m halfway done. Yeah. You all should receive a draft sometime this weekend or early next week.

I’m writing again, I’m also cleaning. Well I haven’t started cleaning yet, but slowly getting into the mood. That can only mean one thing. I’m depressed.

It snuck up on me Friday night I think. I’m not sure. Just know that I woke up on Saturday morning depressed.

I don’t know why I’m depressed though. It still could be my father, or it could be something else. Maybe I know I need to start writing again so I worked myself into being depressed. Or I could be thinking about my father. Who knows how my mind works. I sure as hell don’t.

Well I’m working on a short right now. I got this idea for a script a couple of months ago, but I held it off cause I want to finish my rewrite of the first script that I did. But that will take forever cause I’ve lost my train of thought on that one. So I guess I’ll just start with this short. I’m aiming for 30 pages or shorter. I’ll send it out to you all when I’m finished, hopefully.

Ohhh…what is troubling me. I think it is the weather. It’s been cloudy down here for the past 2 weeks or so. It’s not pretty at all. Sure I love the rain, I love cloudy days, but to some extent. My moods are really dependent on the weather. Up north, I was depressed a lot mainly because of the lack of sun. Every day is a gloomy day, so I was in a gloomy mood. Now it seems that every day down here is a gloomy day.

I need to do something. Photography class isn’t coming fast enough.

I went to my friend’s son’s first birthday party this Saturday. I enjoyed myself. I had a good time. I was out and about, socializing with a bunch of people I don’t know. Not bad for me. I’ve taken some pictures. Just got them back.

I suck. None of them look any good. Well maybe one or two, but that is it. Gosh, I really need help. Hopefully the photography class is worth it.

I ask this question to this empty void. Am I a responsible person? Do I know what is right and what is wrong? Don’t I know how to take care of myself? I would like to think so. I would like to think I am capable of taking care of myself without anyone worrying about me. I would like to know that when I’m drunk, or when I’m incapable of driving, I wouldn’t drive.

I got a call from my mom yesterday. She’s working on the weekends, against my wishes of course. I guess it is her way with dealing with things, as mine is with writing. But she doesn’t trust my judgments in making friends. She thinks I drink because the people I associate with forced her nice little innocent boy into drinking. I did this mom. I started drinking because I wanted to drink. I made that choice on my own, without any pressure from anyone. And the kicker is, I started before I came down here. I started in college.

So like I said, I was at the party, and she called. She asked where I was and I told her. She then proceeded to give me an inquisition on who this friend is, and then went on to tell me not to drink and not to drive. She gave me the guilt trip that I needed to take care of myself because my dad’s not here anymore.

I guess I just want people to stop babying me. Grant it I’m not the smartest guy or I make the right decisions all of the time, but I would like to think that she trusts me and that I’m responsible.

Actually I think there is a conspiracy between my uncles to get me to go home. Out of the blue, I got a call from two of my uncles today. I guess they wanted me to touch base with them and to see if I’ve been calling my mom. Well I haven’t called, because she’s been calling me. But I do intend to call every week. I’m not that cold hearted. Maybe I am; maybe they see that and that is why they are calling. One of the uncles proceeded to lecture me on drinking. Things I’ve heard and understand and know. I’m getting babied all over.

Do I seem that fragile to you all. Am I about to break and I don’t know it? Sure I believe that for some reason I’m to in touch with my feminine side, and that I am very sensitive (I’m probably the most sensitive guy I know, crying at movies and commercials for pete sake. I need help.), but I’ve always believed that I’m a strong person. Aren’t I? Or am I just deluding myself into believing that again.

I was asked this question last night. Julie asked if I am any closer to move home. I don’t know. I told her I haven’t thought about it in a while, and honestly I haven’t. I’m trying not to think about anything, or it. But if I must, I will.

Am I going to move home? At the moment, no. I need my time down here. I need my time alone, away from family, away from the pressures of everything. I want to keep my distance. I just don’t want to be smothered. I want my time to think about things, to digest things, to reevaluate things. Ask me in a couple months, and sure, I will probably say the same. In the next year, I don’t know. That is just to far away. I don’t want to think so far away anymore. I’ve been doing that all my life. It is time for me to stop and focus on now. And now, I don’t want to move home. I just don’t.

I’ve been going through my friend’s journal. She posted something on my birthday about me:

12:39 pm – I’m getting older
Today is my darling Phongielson’s 24th birthday, which means that in exactly one month, I will be 24 too.

I did the calculations today, and realized that Phong and I have known each other for half of our lives now. It’s startling, because I’ll forever think of Phong as the pipsqueak in 7th grade health class with the cute voice, or the cynical young man I walked with at high school graduation. I never thought of the fact that someday, I will know Phong the husband and father, or Phong the old man. When did this aging thing happen?? And what can I do to make it stop?

One part really struck me as fascinating and odd. I’m cynical. I’ve never thought I was cynical. I’ve always thought that I am very idealistic. Am I really cynical? I really don’t think so. Thinking back, thinking about how I was. I really can’t see that.

Well it is said that other people see you more clearly than you could because you are biased. You are self-indulgent and refuse to see the way you really are; see your flaws. You work it in your mind to see yourself in one way and that way in particular. I think of myself as an idealist. Do I seem like an idealist to you, or is my friend correct and that I am a cynic?

If that is the case, then I am living a lie. Everything I see about myself, everything I think I am is all a lie. Was I truly becoming happy? I believed that I was. But reading this, thinking about it, I am doubting myself. So those times I was in highschool, manic; was I really truly depressed? Or was I imagining things.

I don’t know any more. I don’t know anything. Wouldn’t it be nice to not remember anything, just to forget, forget, forget. No memories, no doubts, no thoughts. You just wake up refreshed, learning everything again. Start each day new with that person you hate and not knowing you hate them, or that crush, and seeing her totally different again. Thinking that you are falling for them for the first time and not realizing you did this before and got yourself burned time and time again. Oh to forget.

I want to forget. I want to forget everything, everyone. Then I can truly be myself. I can truly be a hermit.

Here I am sitting in front of my computer listening to The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy on cd, not paying attention, writing the list of things that makes me happy.

Lisa practically forced me to do it. Even though she’s over 1200 miles away, she has this particular control over me, having me sit down and type. Type out my list of things that makes me happy. Like I said in yesterdays post, it is supposed to be a simple list, a list of finer things. Lisa said it is a exercise that will make me view life in a totally different way, to have me not take what I have for granted.

She wants a complete list, but I don’t know how complete the list can be considering different things at different times makes me happy. So today at work, she commanded me to make a list of 30 things. Well should I go Letterman style, or just list a list? It is simpler to list a list. Here goes:

1. Jeans. They’re comfortable. Boot cut, they actually look good on me. Go figure.
2. Sandals. Come on, my toes need to breath.
3. Post it notes. They are a life saver.
4. IM, most ingenious way for people who hate phones to keep in touch.
5. MP3s. Great mixed CDs. Cheap too, especially if you don’t get caught.
6. Walking in the rain. It cleanses the soul. I miss the rain in sunny California.
7. Having a conversation with someone (especially a girl) without awkward pauses. It shows that I can actually socialize. Yeah!!!
8. Laughing. It heals the soul.
9. Weird dreams. It helps me think.
10. Children. Their innocence and carefree nature just puts a smile on my face.
11. The time Lisa and I went to Jenny’s house last year. Well, I got drunk off of 3 Mike’s Hard CranLeomonade and Jenny had 2. It was fun, 3 old friends living 3 different lives just catching up and eating cat food and cheese.
12. My traditional outings with Lisa. It’s good to hang out with an old friend and just talk, drive, watch movies, and reminisce. It started sophomore year in college. It was winter break and she called me up to go out and catch up. We saw Waking Ned Devine that night. A enjoyable movie. Afterward we went to Jenny’s house to see what she was up to. She got engaged, but my how things have changed. Lisa and I kept that tradition every year since. It was Being John Malkovich the year after and Best in Show the year after that. Now every time I go home, I try to make room for her.
13. My first 3 months down in LA with Suong, Stacey, Vicky, and Kathy. There’s just something about living with 4 girls. I was actually social, because I actually had to.
14. The crew at work. Great people.
15. The time I had my first real drink. I was with Loretta and Kimmie at Rams at the U-Village. I had a Tiffany’s margarita on the rocks. After my first sip, I was gone. Everything was in slow motion, and I was swearing like a sailor, a little to loud too. Ahhh the memories.
16. Seeing people laugh because of me. It means I’m funny.
17. Word processing. Oh, how I hate writing long hand and I can’t read my own handwriting most of the time.
18. Watching movies alone.
19. Family get togethers, especially now-a-days. I really like going back home after a long time down south and seeing family, catching up with them, hearing about what is happening in their lives.
20. Sing, “Tool”, “Little Girl”, and “Cloud”. New additions to my life. These kids are just cute and adorable. They never cease to make me laugh or smile.
21. Walking for the sake of walking. Exercise and time to think all at the same time.
22. Whenever I write something that I think is good. It gives me a feeling that I’ve accomplished something.
23. When I finished my first feature screenplay. I thought that day would never come. Even though no one liked it, I really enjoyed what I wrote. It was back during a time when I didn’t think about writing or what I wrote; I just wrote. Didn’t think about the structure, or be so self conscious about what I wrote. Words just flowed on screen, to paper and it created something.
24. The day I left my old life and started a new one. The day I moved down to California. My parents drove down with me, supporting this move, my dream. It was liberating.
25. Albertson’s fried chicken meal. $5.99 for 8 piece of really good chicken, a pound of salad and four rolls. Can’t beat that. It is a weekly staple.
26. Jack-in-the-Box’s $0.99 menu. $4.00 + change and you are good to go.
27. The times I make Monica smile and laugh. She’s a tough woman to please most of the time. Glad to know that she thinks I’m funny, even though most of the time it is at my expense.
28. Talking with Monica. She’s still as paranoid as ever though.
29. 4th of July back in the 80’s. When my brother and I would go to 2nd Uncle’s house or Dat’s house and we would just play with fireworks all day. Ahhh I was young, carefree, and stupid back then.
30. The first day that I went out drinking with friends from the Zoo Store. It was Todd’s birthday party, and Krista invited me. I got drunk, wasted, almost got in a bar fight; it was fun.
31. Bunny ears/TV antennas. It gives me pictures when the cable doesn’t work. Cheap too.
32. My daily emails with my brother. Never talked to him as much in my whole life until these past two years corresponding through email…talking about movies, music, television.
33. Television. It gives me a excuse to not exercise and to not write.
34. Once in a while taking a picture that actually looks good. Cause it sucks to waste film.
35. Stephanie. She pushes and pushes me to do better. She brought me under her wing at work when I first came in. She’s my mentor, even though most of the time she annoys me.
36. How I got to dance with Amber, my highschool crush, during the prom. It is a sweet story.
37. My dance with Lisa at the prom. She brightened up a terrible evening.
38. Bell review in Ms. Bohna’s class in the 8th grade. I was unstoppable.
39. My sense of humor. I need it.
40. Music. It helps me think.
41. The first time I watched Amelie and Moulin Rouge. They just brought a big smile to my face.
42. Watching Wong Kar Wai’s Chungking Express I have a greater appreciation for film because of it. It change the way I look at film. That was in 1997.
43. The day that I decided that I was going to move down to LA to try my way in the film industry. It gave my life direction.
44. The summers I was working during college. It gave me a feeling I was on my own, making my own way. It prepared me for what I’m doing now.
45. The night Kevin, Julio, Stephanie, Heather and I went out to Don Antonio’s for $0.99 tacos and Margaritas after work. Later Kevin, Julio, Stephanie and I went to get some beer and went ka-ra-o-ke-ing. We sang, and sang; felt Like a Virgin and I Touch Myself. Great night, but the aftermath was terrible. All the tacos came back up.
46. April 10, 2003. Best birthday. I actually had fun. Aftermath, didn’t care for. The Pico-de-Gayo scared the crap out of me, floating in the toilet.
47. Gong back home and watching the Food Network. Best channel ever. Bar none. To bad I can’t afford cable.
48. Seeing my father loosen up and get drunk last year during my grandmother’s memorial feast. I’ve never seen him like that before. He was happy, he was free.
49. January 2003. When I really started to feel better about myself and began my process of becoming happy. It was also around that time when I actually felt home sick. It took me a year and a half down here before I got home sick and wanted to go home and I did. I went back for Chinese New Year’s. That was the last time I saw my father.
50. The day that my parents finally arrive at Fresno when I first came down two summers ago. That night Maggie took Dat and I to Yoshinos for some sushi, beer, and some saki bombs. Afterwards, drunk, red, and giggling like a little school girl, I had dinner with my parents and Dat’s parents. It was funny, it was dangerous, and I couldn’t stop laughing.
51. February 2002. Went up to Fresno to visit Maggie and Loretta who was down in Fresno for something. We went out to dinner and I asked for a beer. Ever since, Gi Fu buys beer for me whenever I go up to visit.
52. The day I moved out and lived on my own. One dream checked off.
53. The day I got home after my grandmother died and I saw my father next door. He gave me a big smile and a big wave. It brought a smile to my face.
54. To know that I’m not angry with my parents anymore, especially knowing that before my father died.
55. The weekly calls from my father, hearing his voice. He sounded happy.
56. Knowing Nick is like me, afraid to go for it.
57. To see how surprised everyone at work was to see I have hair after I came back from my grandmother’s memorial. They all liked it. To quote Jordan, I was “pimping it.” Danielle said I actually looked cool. Then I had problems and shaved it off.
58. My hair now. I wouldn’t be able to wear it 3 years ago, because I wouldn’t have the self-esteem to.
59. Photography. A old hobby I am trying to pick up again.
60. Singing. It just eases the mind.
61. My very eclectic and piss poor taste in music. It makes Monica laugh. According to her, I have the sensibilities of a 13 year old girl. Ahh so true, so true.
62. The Britney Spears concert. It’s a guilty pleasure.
63. My first Thanksgiving up in Fresno. Wow, ate to much.
64. This journal. It helped get a lot of things that needed to come out out.
65. Even though I hate it, but hearing my mom call me “Baby.” I am no longer Phong to her, but “Baby.” I don’t even think she remembers my name.
66. The Thanksgiving that I went up to Whistler mountain with some family and the Smith’s. I almost broke my back, but it was fun.
67. The first time I rode the Goliath at Six Flags with Luigi and Michelle. That was a big mutha.
68. To know I’m not a lone.
69. Boxers. They are very liberating.
70. Assistants. I could push work on them. Also, it makes me feel important.
71. Pens, cause I can’t write in pencil anymore.
72. The 20 dollar bill. The best denomination.
73. To know that some girls actually have a crush on me. Even though 3 out of the 4 are pre-highschool. It still means something. I think.
74. Keira Knightly and Natalie Portman. One blonde, the other brunette, but they both look alike. One in each color. They are purdy.

All right, judging by the last entry, I’ve ran out of things. I’m sure I could think of more, but I think I went over what Lisa asked for, which was 30. Now Ms. Spink, are you happy now?

Well this is my second posting of the day. What happened to the first? I didn’t save it. I wrote my first draft in this program, but as i exited the program so I could log onto it and post my draft..it didn’t save, even though I pressed the save button.

It was somewhat good too…philosophical self indulgent ramblings of my life. Can’t get better than that. Even quoted Joss Whedon through Spike. Oh to have it be saved.

What did I write about, well I wrote about feeling drugged up, depressed, and being lectured by my friend Lisa on happiness, and how I am healing.

I went through a round about way of realizing that I need to stop fantasizing/dreaming about the future and stop reflecting on the past and the good ol’ innocent days of my childhood, to stop looking back at the mistakes, the misopportunities and the choices I’ve made in my life.

Then I went on about me stopping and smelling the proverbial roses. About how Lisa thinks I need to stop thinking so big and need to think simpler on the finer things in life, the small things that makes me happy…Things that aren’t family, or friends, or my independence. Need to focus on the small things like my jeans, or my sandals, or little post its, these type of things that makes me happy.

I also wrote about how Lisa quoted Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and what he sang in the musical episode. Basically that life isn’t bliss, life is just this plain meager existence, and that we have to go through life, and live life to heal and all that good stuff. That life is life.

What I wrote was good. I’m a little upset that that draft didn’t save. I’m a little perturbed at the moment.

Anywho, I finally realize that I am finally “living” life and I am making a conscious effort to live in the NOW and to stop focusing on the future and stop reflecting in the past.

There was even a little bit part where Ms. Kate Kaplan sort of revived that drive in me to go and take classes. I’ve always wanted to go back and take classes, and it is because of her and also Monica; and the fact that there isn’t anything on television anymore, to go back and take classes. I am going to take a photography class.

Well, I would write more, but I lost the inspiration because I just can’t believe the draft didn’t save…..stupid program…stupid computer…Errrghghgghhghghgggggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!