You know, the second entry is always the hardest to write. Why? What should you write about? The first one is always the easiest. Just write why you decided to do the journal in the first place. It’s a little cliche, but hey it works.

It gets you to write, it gets the creative juices flowing and pretty soon you are hooked. Then the juices just relaxes. It cools from the boiling point that it was hours ago and you start your second entry. What do you write about? Your day? Your life? What is on your mind at that time? Or like me you just simply write. Ramblings of stream of consciousness. Well it really isn’t just a stream of consciousness; it is sort of thought out as I am writing, but you get the picture.

Well any who, I didn’t feel well today, so I went home early from work. It was a first for me. I guess many who know me will call me a workaholic. I work when I’m sick. I even work through my lunch. I just work. It passes the time, cause honestly, that is what we are supposed to do. We work. And really I have nothing better to do.

Our lives are driven by the need to work. It pays the bills, it pays for our shelter, our transportation. It pays for our life. It is our survival.

I don’t actually enjoy my job, but it is a job. It is easy, but it just doesn’t get my creative juices flowing.

So I went home early today. I took whatever PTO time I had left and I went home early. The old me would have probably worked through it. I was only coughing up my lungs and a fever was burning its way from my soul through my skin, and a mind numbing headache was turning my brain to mush. It was bearable, but I went home anyway. Why?

Is it to get away from my crush at work, to get away from the pile of work sitting on my desk, to get away from the office, or is it something else?

My father passed away a couple of weeks ago. It came as a shock to everyone. I sometimes catch myself in my thoughts and remember that he’s not with me anymore. He was young, 44. Died from a heart attack.

It is a life changing event, no doubt about it. Many who have been through the loss of a parent and many who never had tell me that it will change the way I think, the way I act.

Well did it?

That is the question. Did it? I don’t know. Sure it made me think differently and act differently in different situations, but I’m not sure if it actually change me completely. I’m still the loner kid who is not living up to his potential. I’m still the same guy who listen to cheesy love songs and sings cheesy love songs to himself as he walks through the office, the guy who pines away for a girl who will never recognize the goodness I can give her. I’m still the same guy. I don’t believe I have changed.

I’m just a lot more depressed then where I was a few months ago; not that I was depressed. I was quite content, quite happy in my lonely, independent, self-deluded little world that I was living in. It was great. I guess me being actually happy had to end some time. Did my happiness being on my own cause my father’s death? For some reason inside me, I still believe so. I don’t think I can think otherwise. He died because of me…..but that is for some other time.

Maybe his death caused me to reevaluate my life. That is probably why I went home early today. I realized life is short, go home and sleep. That’s what I did, I went home and slept; rested my tired body for a few hours and slept.

Maybe this journal is my way of changing, of getting things out. Maybe this journal is my way of talking with people (mostly an empty void) to get out all of my thoughts and feelings that have been building up inside of me. It allows me to say words that I’m to afraid to say, or say things that no one would ever listen to. Cause this journal is mine; it contains my thoughts, my delusions of grandeur, and my conscience. It is me. And to much of me can be a really scary thing. Believe me and my co-workers. When they get to much of me, they roll their eyes and say “OH GOD.”

Maybe I just need to give it more time, to let my evolution take its place. What I have noticed in the past couple months is that I have changed. Maybe it was because of my sense of happiness, but I am a bolder, calmer, more confident, more relaxed and laid back than ever. I didn’t care that I am alone. It is quite refreshing anyway, not to be tied down. Not that I don’t want to be tied down (wink wink), but the independence is nice. I’m not as angry anymore; anger at the world, at my parents. That has all come and gone. I have truly come to find myself, to like myself better.

This past year and 10 months down here in LA has helped me grow up; helped me become a little less self indulgent. I’m sure you dear readers would beg to differ, but believe me, it is true. I laugh more; okay it is more like a little schoolgirl giggling, but I honestly do laugh more.

I still remember last July 4th I went back home and met my mom’s family for the first time. They just came from Vietnam. My mom’s younger brother and his family (wife, two sons, and daugther) along with my mom’s younger sister and her daughter. Basically I went up to introduce myself and to meet the children. I love children; I’m good with kids and that I’m a big kid myself. I’m young at heart as I tell my crush (and she laughs). So naturally they are quite drawn to me. Within a couple of hours they were all over me. I’ve never connected with anyone that fast before, especially kids. Some need a little more coaxing than others, but these kids just jumped right in. Any who, back to where I was going with this, dinner with my family. My loving family. The kids were talking about me in Vietnamese, and obviously I do no understand a word. My aunt told me that they said I laugh a lot. I never noticed that before, I actually do laugh a lot. It just made me think why I’m laughing, and I guess it is because I’m growing and finding myself. I’m more free, more relaxed, and more carefree. It just made me smile and laugh more.

But then I got back down to LA and it went downhill from there for a couple of months. It wasn’t until this past January when I think I have gotten myself back on track; I have finally found happiness in myself. Now with my father’s passing, how long will it take me to find my way back? I think I’ll just leave that here for now as I think about it.