The day approaches where everything will change. The day approaches where all that is will cease to exist. The day approaches where a new life will be born. The day approaches.

Monday, October 18, 2004. Mark that day. That day will go down in history as the day of change. It will become another day “that lived in infamy.” It is the day of freedom, the day of insanity.

According to Coelho, to live is to be insane, to be in a asylum, being free to do what it is natural to you. There, everything makes sense whereas in reality, nothing makes sense. To be real, you have to be crazy.

But all in all, aren’t we all crazy. Aren’t we all being real in a sense, even though there’s a lot of a falseness in us all. We act, yet our acting is expected. What is expected is what is real.

I don’t know what is to come of this change, I don’t know what is to come of my new life. It is a mystery to me like all things that surrounds me. I am inquisitive and imaginative. I have a hint as to what is to come, but I am still not definite of what is to come.

Life is a mystery. It slowly unlocks itself as time goes by. To find the answer to the mystery, all we have to do is wait. Waiting has become a game between us. I wait for you, you wait for me. All we end up doing is waiting and wasting our life away.

Now is a time to make a move. Now is the time to take action and end this unhealthy waiting. Now is the time. Carpe diem. That is the day that is approaching. I will do what I must. All I fear is what is to come of it.

What will come of it? Ahhh, the million dollar answer that only one person know. Will it be good? Will it be bad? Only one person will know. It’ll quell any debates as to whether there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

For the longest time, I do believe there is. But being the pessimist that is me, I don’t know if there is any light anywhere. We are clouded by thick darkness that blinds us to our faults and keep our future a mystery.

Are you expecting something to happen? Do you already know what I’m going to do? Do you know what I’m going to say? Do you want to do what I want to do? Will you say yes? Will you say no?

A million questions and all there is only two answers. Yes. No. Which one will it be. Ini Mini Mieni Mo, catch a tiger by its toe….And the answer is…something that I don’t know.

I guess we will know soon. What should I do? What should I say? I’ve planned my escape for so long, I’ve planned this swan song for what seems like an eternity, and yet I am so unsure as what to say and how to say it?

Should I be honest? Should I play with my words? Or should I just be blunt and let it all out? I think I’ll figure something out when the moment will come. I always do. My impulse will be the death of me.

Being impulsive is my motto. I’ve been the most impulsive as of late, growing and making mistakes from my impulse. It has gotten me so far. It still hasn’t gotten me no where. I am still where I am so long ago.

Look what you’ve gone and done. You’ve made me feel something that I’ve always felt, but you also made me feel something that I’ve never felt, the desire, the burning passion to act on this feeling.

I’ve fallen to the bottom of the pits of hell and I’ve climbed myself up to the clouds of heaven. I’ve been through heaven and hell. I’ve been through most of life’s tortures, but this is the worst one of all. The not knowing. The waiting. The games that we all play.

I am cure when I’m by your side. I’m all right. I’m all right. That is how I feel. You see me. If you could see me, you know where I am. You put me on the map. You found me.

But did you find a ghost, or is it all of me? Who did you find? A person on the edge of reasoning or someone that is sure of what is to come; a person who is not afraid to take the risk that the great writers write so nakedly in their works?

Naked. This is how I stand before you. This is how I’ve always stood before you. Many may not know, but I know you do know. You see me. You see me. I’m a ghost to all others, but to you I am flesh and bone. I bleed when I’m pricked. I die when my heart breaks.

Heart breaks and heart aches comes natural to me. I am like everyone else. So heart breaks and heart aches comes natural to all. It is a part of life. Life is a giant love triangle or polygon or rhombus, square, octagon, hexagon, and any other shape. We love who we can’t have.

That is the saddest torture and the greatest lesson that life can teach you. You can’t have what you want. You got to let it go. You got to let it go. Many say, if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, then you deserve it.

It makes me smile when I hear that. The falsity of it, yet the romantic yearning that comes with that saying. Things rarely come back when you give it away. It goes on to the new life that you gave it when you granted it its freedom. You’ll never see it again.

Driving with desire in a car I don’t know how to drive, where do I think I’m going when I have no control over what I’m doing or where I’m going or even the car I’m driving? Where am I going and where can a out of control man go?

I think that I am going the way that I am supposed to be regardless of what control I have over my life. I am doing the right thing. I am going where I need to go, even though I’m afraid to go somewhere I don’t know.

But it is nice to go to a strange place. You’ll see all the wonders and gifts this foreign land has to offer. You will adopt new customs and most of all, you will find out more about yourself. You will find a new threshold and ultimately find out a little more about yourself.

Once under pressure to act, a miracle happens. You do what you must do. You test yourself to find that you will always pass the strictest and most demanding test that you’ve ever taken.

My fingers are typing away at my keyboard. Typing words that string together to make a certain sentence which brings forth a certain meaning and a certain idea. These ideas are coming from me, but I am still clueless as to what I’m writing. Isn’t that strange.

It’s all because of you that I grew up and became the person that I am today. I see a lot of good in me. I see a lot of changes that I never thought I would be capable of. Do you see what you did or do you still see the same problem child that never grew up?

A good friend of mine once told me I get better with age. And I agreed with her. Do you agree with her? You’ve known me for quite sometime. You’ve known me through the toughest times of my life. Do you think I’m much better than the first time you’ve seen me?

The sweet thing about life is the mystery of the unknown. You are a mystery to me. Keeping your secrets at bay, pulling them out piece by piece, letting me connect the missing pieces in my head to finish the puzzle, but unfortunately I have so little pieces to get any idea of what the full picture is.

I use to dream about the things that lay before me and ponder about the things that I have left so long ago and never actually looked around me. I am starting to look around me and I’m surprised to see how much I miss.

This mindless bout of rambling isn’t as creative or isn’t as farfetched as my last edition of brain purging, but it does have a focus on it and it is to purge my brain of any fears that I may have on the day to come.

Nothings going to change my world. Oh how The Beatles use to sing these words when they go Across the Universe, but you know, everything can change your world. The littlest thing can make the most significant changes in one’s life.

Yes. No. Two words can change the lives of two souls. With a little yes, their intersecting lives will go on Across the Universe. With a little No, their intersecting lives will go on Across the Universe, but only in different directions and on different paths.

Still feels like our first night together. Going out and just not talking. You drinking your drink listening to the conversations as I do the same on my end. I was afraid to talk to you. I have so many things I wanted to tell you, but my brain and my lungs and my mouth cannot cooperate.

So I go on the night listening and thinking and listening and thinking to the little laughs and your little anecdotes to the war stories that are passed from one conversation to the next.

I remember the smell of your skin as you walk by every morning. I remember your quiet walk. I remember everything that is you. I just remember and that is a good thing. I still remember.

Will I ever forget you? Oh, I do ask myself that everyday. Will I ever forget you when the time comes for you to tell me to go and to forget you. Will I still remember 20 years down the line? If only I knew.

Lavender. That’s how I described your sent in one of my earlier notes oh so long ago. That word will always haunt me as I try to find out the real scent that is you. But I guess in the meantime, lavender.

I sat here working on the things that I needed to work, cutting the movie that is my life, but it was incomplete. It was not what I had intended it to be. You were supposed to be in it. You were the one that I was cutting for. But I had to do with what I got, and it turned out to be something that is fake.

Sitting here thinking, I don’t know if things will work out between us. We are so much a like, yet we are so different. Will it ever work? I’ve seen relationships of total opposites and I’ve seen relationships of total likeness, but never of a mixed relationship.

Will you be just another girl that I fall for and totally not be able to do anything about and then move on as I don’t see you anymore? I certainly hope not. I certainly hope that you are not just another girl but that girl.

I don’t know why I was so ashamed to have asked you out so long ago. I just don’t know why. I should just have told you that I like you and that I want to do something with you. I should have told you something instead of I don’t know.

Cause I do know. I should have suggested a movie. It was a crappy holiday, so we should have went and watched a stupid movie. Oh, how naive and how afraid I was to do what I did, but I guess times have changed. I’m not that afraid anymore.

I’ve done it a lot of times after that time. I would ask and you would kindly decline or laugh it off. That is our routine. Will this routine continue now that I’m going away?

I know you told me that you don’t have a problem with a at work relationship. That as long as they keep their personal and business lives separate, that things should be okay. We were working together at that time. I should take it as a hint, but I’m stubborn that way. I still will not take it as a hint.

You have to pretty much come out with a shot gun, shoot me in the guts and then tell me how you really feel. That will get my attention. Be blunt, be hurtful. It seems that is the only way that I can learn and know for sure on things.

I’ve always thought that my feelings for you were so obvious. That one look at me, anyone can tell that I melt for you. But I guess I’m as good of a poker player as you are. I’m not saying that you melt for me, but more of the fact that I can’t tell anything about you. You hide your feelings well.

When you came in that day with you hair down, I did melt for you. Words couldn’t come out of my mouth that made sense. My lesson just went out the window cause my student couldn’t understand a word. My words melted as it came out of my mouth as vapors that dissipate in the air.

How come we’ve developed this routine. When you take off your headphones, it means talk to me. When I take off my headphones, it means talk to me. We understand each other this way, but yet, I still don’t know if we understand each other.

Maybe you are sending out the wrong signals or maybe you are sending out the right signals and I just have my wires crossed and reading the right signals as the wrong signals and vice versa.

Wouldn’t that be hilarious that our whole relationship is a relationship of miscommunication? Again, I’m poor at reading signs, especially ones these subtle. I need something in big bold block letters. I’m stupid that way.

Sometimes I feel I should go back to the days of making use of The Postal Service instead of the internet super highway or the impersonal super highway. Instead of typing my words I will write them with my chicken scratch. It’s incomprehensible yet personal.

I want so badly to believe that there is truth in love this real is all I want to say to you. These maybe be my delusions of grandeur, but this is truth to me. I guess my delusions in this reality has made me insane. I need to go to an asylum to make these dreams real.

When I held you for the first time the other night, I had so much that I wanted to say, but I didn’t. I could tell from your earlier actions that you didn’t even want to give me that hug that I tugged you in.

Please understand that I was acting on impulse and it just felt so right. You were going to leave as I walked you to your car. It could be the last time we see each other again. I had to take the chance. My hand grew a mind of it’s own. My whole body cried out for me to act.

So I did. I grabbed you by your shirt sleeve. I tugged at it, hoping to draw you in. I was a bit woozy to realize that I got you in my arms. I wanted to squeeze you tight, but I thought that you might be afraid of my drunken state. You needn’t be.

I hugged you and held you, listening to your clear words in my drunken garbled translation. “Take care” I believe that is what you said. You said it like it will be the last time we will see each other. It can’t be. I will not let that happen.

When I loudly whispered my words in you ear, I thought I told you everything that I needed to tell you. But I didn’t as I came to my sobriety 30 seconds after you drove away. I didn’t. I told you enough to keep me in your life just moments longer.

“I’ll call you sometime and we can go watch a movie or something”. That’s what I said to you. Something so mundane as that. I should have told you more. As I finish what I said, all I hear is your laughing chuckle at my words. Or was that your uncomfortable laugh?

I should have done more. I should have done so much more that it would have taken the whole weekend to finish the things that I want to do with you. I hope you don’t get the wrong idea, but it is not that.

As I slowly stumbled off in my new sobriety and thought about what transpired, a feeling came over me that I realize is dread. That was our goodbye. That was our goodbye. It can’t be that. It can’t be.

As I am cheered on by my peers, they wondering what happened during our walk, I can’t help but think what did happen between us. Is it a missed connection that came too late or just came too early.

I cannot put a finger on our relationship, but I have a sick feeling that it is a familiar relationship that we both shared, but with other people. Do you think you could see me that way? Could you? I obviously can, but could you?

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything in my journal. Over a month I believe. I thought about what I was going to write before I started writing tonight’s entry. I thought about my excitement about getting a new job and getting out of my current job. I thought about just listing the general fundamental problems that plague the current company that I’m working at right now, which is one particular employee and mismanagement by upper management. I was going to go into detail about it, but I think I will not discuss it.

There’s no point. It is a part of my past. It is time for me to move on. I think right now, I feel that I have moved on. Look ahead, look forward. Don’t let the constant soul sucking of this company plague the thoughts of my mind. It’s not worth it. It’s really really not worth it at all.

So what am I going to write about? I don’t know. I just feel the need to write cause I haven’t written anything in a month, whether it is in my journal or if it is my writing projects on the side.

I guess for the past month, I just had some things on my mind. My short film which I’m preparing to shoot in the next couple of weeks and also with the whole finding a new job thing. I think that getting this new job and being out of the current situation will liberate me in doing more things, instead of going home exhausted and soaked in dread for being at work all day and just wanting to get a drink to numb the experience, to numb the mindlessness of work, to numb the bureaucracy, to numb the drama, to numb the politics, to numb the company.

No more of that. I will start new at this company. Just start new. Do my work, and leave. Don’t get involved in anything that I don’t need to get involved in. Been doing that lately, especially at this current job and even when I don’t intend to. It just finds me.

No, I just need to write, to have an outlet for any feelings or angst or pent up creativity or need to dispense any wisdom or venting out in the internet superhighway void that this little post will go to. Just need to write.

There’s been a lot of things that haunts my thoughts since I’ve resigned my position, but the one that hangs in my mind the most has to do with this one beautiful girl. I just can’t think of what to do, and that is driving me crazy. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I don’t know what is going to happen, I don’t know how she’s going to react. But I do know that when I do what I must do, it is it. It is final. Then I will finally know and it is not until then that I can move on from what it is that is happening now. I must move on and I feel that I might be able to if things doesn’t work out as I want them too.

Then it is back to where a place that I’m seldomly at; a place without obsession and infatuation.

* * *
One thing that I have noticed in the past couple of months, especially after my father’s memorial, my life has just gotten much better. I feel much better about myself. I’m not the pessimistic souless fool that I once was. I do have to say that last year was a tough year for me, trying to get better and deal with my father’s passing. I do have to say that things has gotten better for me, especially this year.

Things just seem to be coming together. Slowly but surely, I’m finding myself. I’m finding my place in this insignificant little third rock from the sun. Maybe I’m 25 and things are supposed to come together at 25, but things are getting better. Been writing more. Feel much more giddy and much happier than I’ve ever have. Confident. More comfortable in my own skin. I think that is the most important thing, being comfortable in my own skin and being comfortable with the hermit lifestyle that I live, doing whatever it is I want to do without any pressures from my peers. I’m getting my act together.

I’m shooting something soon. That is something that I’d set out to do, that is the basis of my whole moving down here. I am doing it. I am preparing it. I never thought that I would make it here. I never thought that my time has come since I’ve always felt flustered all my life about what my life is about and being comfortable and being able to see a point in my life. The fog is lifting. There is light. Hope this continues. Hope this continues.

Sure, my life isn’t perfect, but my life will never be perfect. My social life isn’t where I would like it to be, but I’m comfortable with what I have now. I’ve been in the trenches and I’ve survived. Things can only get better and I’m confident that things will get better.

I’m sure many of you who are reading this and who knows me well are quite surprised by the optimism of this posting. I have to say that I’m quite surprised myself. Where did this come from? Where did it come from? Maybe it was my trip up to San Francisco, meeting an ex-roommate of mine that I haven’t seen for three years. Maybe it is that I’ve been able to pick up where we left off, the same type of relationship, never skipping a beat, or maybe it is the fact that I went and became social and never felt uncomfortable while I was doing it.

Oh, I was always afraid of being social, and for the most part I still am, but these past couple of months have shown that there is nothing to be afraid about in socializing. I do it well. Just make the best out of it.

Things are a changing. Changing indeed. Moving on, marching on.

* * *
The irony of my posting compared to the music I’m listening too. The Fall of the World’s Optimist. Is that me? Is this song about me? I highly doubt it, but I’m knocking on wood. Just to be safe.

Relax. Take a deep breath. Breathe. In. Out. In. Out. Calm yourself. Quell any feelings you may have. It’s been a long and arduous road you’ve been wandering my friend. Filled with hope and despair. Joys and pains. Lives and deaths.

Oh so tired, so tired, you scream as you stretch your body. Oh how I know. We are all tired. We are all walking zombies or comatose patients. where have all your energies gone when you exerted so little?……

O to dream a fantastic dream
Flying through clouds unattached
Seeing all the colors of white light

O to sleep the magnificent sleep
Silently breathing with the rhythm of my heart
Hearing the beats of my soul

O to love a passionate love
Devouring the thick sweet nectar of affection
Feeling the prickly thorns of a rose

O to live like I never lived
Experiencing all that life has to give
Searching for others that are not apparent

O to sing like the birds sing
Belting sweet harmonious melodies
Seeing the notes before my eyes

O to wake from this dream and have it all be true
It’ll be like experiencing everything like new
Life is something that doesn’t make me blue

I have a sickness that is in me. It eats at me every second of the day. I go through each day dying from this terminal sickness. There is no cure, no vaccine. Slowly my body will rot away leaving just a hollow shell of a man. This sickness eats my heart and my soul, leaving me with nothing left.

Obsession. That is my sickness. That is what drives me insane with bouts of depression and fits of fancy. It is obsession that engulfs my life leaving me with nothing but heartache and pain.

I am a psycho. This sickness is making me not right in the head. I have a few loose screws that need to be tightened, but the screws will never be tightened because there is no way to open my head to tighten the screws.

I sit here reflecting and obsessing over my obsession. It is unhealthy. It is hurtful. It is not fair to her or to me. It makes me do crazy things. I write letters of impulse stating my frustrations and my fears and my feelings. My feelings are warped from the unhealthy mind that I have been using to go about my day. This needs to stop.

Recognizing the problem is a big step. Realizing that I need to change is another.

I realize my sickness and I attempt to do the impossible. I attempt to find a cure for this terminal cancer. I must. This obsession has been eating away at me for so long. There is almost nothing left to gnaw on, almost nothing left to salvage. Soon I’ll be just another lost cause in an ocean of lost causes.

I have to save myself and my soul. I need to get out of this infatuation, I need to get out of this relationship. I need to save my soul.

There you are, sitting a few chairs down from me, taking in the conversation around you. You pick up your glass with those perfect fragile dainty hands. I wish I were that glass, so I could be held by you, kissed by you as you bring it to your lips. I spill my warmth through your mouth, shooting you with warmth that makes you tingle inside.

I sit stealing glances from time to time weaving in and out of the boring conversation that I

Well, it hasn’t been long since the last time I wrote. It was the other night actually. Why am I writing so soon? i don’t know. I guess I just have to clear my mind on some things. Will I disclose it to you all? No. I think I’ll just write and write and see where things take me.

I find it funny when growing up that my parents taugh me to be nice. If you are nice, good things will happen to you. Help out your friends, be nice to your friends, to the old people, to everyone around you. Share if you have an abundance of something…you know the typical morals that are instilled by parents when growing up. I lived that life. I am a very nice person, with good morals and ethics. I should be living a decent life right now, a damn good life without any problems or should I say that my “niceness” shouldn’t be getting me into trouble.

Well, I don’t know if it has, but I have this lingering feeling that it did. What good is it to be a nice good and decent person if you get shit on all the time. What good is there? If the “good” that comes from being a decent human being that is being shat on all the time is a nice straight trip to Heaven and their lovely bells ringing when I arrive a la Breaking the Waves by Lars Von Trier, then no thanks. God, Heaven, and their Cherub Angels can keep those bells. I don’t need them for I don’t believe in Heaven, Hell, or anywhere else. I don’t know what I believe, but I do know that there shouldn’t be a distinction like that. I think Von Trier knows something more about being shat upon than I do. He made three movies about it. Where the heroine are nice helpful decent human beings, and they are shat upon. Emily Watson in the before mentioned Breaking the Waves, Nicole Kidman in Dogville, and finally Bjork in The Dancer in the Dark. Great heroines that were treated badly; two ended up dead.

I think that with Dogville Von Trier finally fights back, allowing justice to be served 10 fold for all of the injustice that happened. I wish I can do that. Sometimes I believe if I am pushed hard enough, I will fight back with a vengence. But knowing me, it is all talk. Boy oh boy, I need to change things up.

I’m trying to live a peaceful life
Void of any conflict or drama
But they always seem to find me
Biting me on the ass

I think about the life I had before this one
What did I do to deserve this Karma?
It must have been something bad
I think I choked on gas

How long was the rest I had
Must not been long enough to forget what I had
Here I am dreading what is to come
My soul is making up for that life long ago

Soon the universe will collect my debt
I just hope it takes it all in this life
So I am free to start new in the one to come
Living a peaceful life I’ve always dreamt of

Okay, that was bad. it was the first poem that I’ve written in months. But I think it got the gist of what I’m trying to say or what I’m trying to get off my chest. What brought this thought upon me? Well, saw a movie today. Running on Karma. Directed by Johnny To, starring the lovely Cecilia Cheung and Andy Lau. The message of the film is that we have to forget and let go of the grudge that we hold from all the things that have wronged us. Let go and be peaceful. If not, the “karma” will be a poisonous cycle, killing and killing you over and over again in each subsequent life. If we just let go, and “cultivate wholesome deeds” then the world will be a better place. Sure it sounds cheesey, but you know, it is true. All in the all, the movie was all right, but the message is the biggest thing of the movie.

“Life is unfair”. That’s a mantra that I live by. It just isn’t. Good people get shat upon and bad people get to bask in glory and riches. That’s how the way the world work. Sure, some good people get that lucky break and the unfortunate few bad people get their come uppance, but it just seems that there aren’t too many of each. Maybe when good people die, they get to be bad people in their next life. A balance of sorts, a reward for all the “good” they’ve done in the past life and for all of the shit that they had to put up with. In the next life, they can get away with murder. Beat their wives unconscious. Rape the girl down the block. Rob a bank. Mug old grannies. They can do all of these things with very few or no consequences. Maybe in my next life, I can bask in glory and riches. That is a thought right there.

Well, I really don’t have much to say. Honestly, laying here in my bed, iming my cousin, nothing comes to mind to write about. This that you’re reading right now, just mindless rambling.

It’s the end of the week. Hallelujah. This fucking wretched week is over. I’m not stepping in anymore. No more. I absolutely refused, cause it always seems that I get fucked.

So, it’s been a long while since I’ve written anything in here. What has happened?

Not much. Went to Yosemite on the 3rd of July. Just walked and hiked for most of the day. It’s pretty up there. I took tons of pictures. Maybe I’ll post them up some day. I think I may go back again on Veterans Day weekend. Who knows?

What else have been happening in my boring little life? I got a new laptop. Why? Because I find it very difficult to write at home. Too many distractions. The bed, the tv, my lovely dvd’s, the internet (even though I have a wifi card). So I go out and write. I’m just trying to get into a habit of going out and writing.

I finally finished my short that I’m going to shoot, but it needs to be rewritten. It has it’s flaws, and I agree with Scott, there’s just something missing. So, I got to think about it and rewrite it. I may even have to scrap it and write something else. Man is it going to suck.

The photography class is going well. Been printing many of the black and white photos that I have. I still have a couple of rolls of black and white film that I haven’t developed yet. I’ve been too lazy to do it. I’ve been thinking of skipping class tomorrow, especially after this past week. I just want to stay home and just chill, relax. Maybe I’ll do that.

I’m skipping class next week for sure. Lisa is coming down to visit for the weekend. We haven’t planned much. At the moment here is what we have planned. We are going to watch: Garden State, Before Sunset, Harold and Kumar Goes to White Castle, Napoleon Dynamite, and The Village. Those are definite plans, I think. Other than that, I think we are going to wing it. I am thinking of taking her to the Getty for a couple of hours. We both like culture, and it’s just been a while since I’ve gone there.

I’m not sure what else there is to do. Maybe explore this city that I live in. Actually go to places I’ve never been with her. I don’t know. It’s in a week, and I’m just waiting patiently for it.

It has been a while since I’ve seen her. Christmas, I think. I had the opportunity to see her when I was there, but she went to lunch when I visited her at work. That’s right. I drove all the way up to Washington, and she dissed me. Some friend. Well, at least she’s making it up by visiting.

Anywho, I’m tired, and sweaty from the humidity and heat from my apartment. Until next time.

Fucked up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!