Tired.

Eyes dropping, fighting against the instincts and will to keep them open. My weak will, slowly losing the battle to these heavy windows to my soul. Falling falling, shutting down to blackness and the slumber that it wishes for.

Body twisting in the ether as it slowly trudges on fumes of whatever dinner I had.

There’s been too much happening for this poor old body to keep up with. Too many dinners and outings and late nights of late nights of doing nothing for it to keep up. My body has run old and needs to be rebuilt. The lack of energy is killing me.

Hours upon hours of sleep last night killed me as my body doesn’t want to be weaned away from the comfort of my bed. It wants to lie there under the covers, enjoying the flickering images of my mind, searching with a purpose, whatever that is.

Focusing on anything becomes harder and harder as I just stare off into space and the sea of holiday shoppers looking for that special gift for them special people in their lives. Watching little kids and their mothers or sisters or brothers slowly going from store to store, just shopping, looking, enjoying.

Focus is gone.

* * *
One of the big reasons why I’m so tired is because of the RPA holiday party Thursday night. Didn’t get home till late….well, late for me.

The party was marketed to be a downer party because of the series of layoffs we had in the past month. But all in all, it didn’t feel that way. It felt like a party, though it wasn’t an open bar, it felt like a party.

I had eight drinks that night. First off, the drinks weren’t strong. It took number seven to give me the good buzz and eight was the capper. After that, I couldn’t drink anymore. Needed to stop and sober up, since I know I was driving home. Secondly, I needed something to do. For the first couple of hours, I was bored, needing something to do. The glass in my hand helped. It helped tremendously.

All in all, I had a great time. It was fun hanging out with what few friends I have from the IS dept and the girls from finance.

For a time, I got to hang out with the Delicate Flower. It was nice.

The capper to the night, the thing that kept things interesting and the whole what the fuck? moment was pretty much the last half an hour or so.

I was just sitting down, minding my own business, drinking my water. Sobering up. Then blondy mcblondy sat down in the same booth. Gave her a nod and introduced myself. She gave me a name, a name I missed ’cause when I tried to look her up yesterday in the cafe, I couldn’t find her. But, from the pictured evidence that I got, I was able to find out who she was.

So, again, sitting there minding my own business. I see Delicate Flower coming over but sat down in the booth next to mine. The next thing I know, blondy mcblondy stands up and reaches out a hand. “No, I don’t dance” I tell her. She wouldn’t take no for an answer. She walked around to the other side and drags me out on to the floor.

Fine. I’ll dance. Move slowly with whatever to make her happy, but in turn, she made me happy. Grinding me, getting close. She’s drunk. Faded. Shit faced. Grinding on me and grinding on me. It was nice.

I was getting excited as my itty bitties were waking up. But, all in all… it was nice. It’s been a while.

There we are, moving together, our faces inches apart, looking at each other. I so wanted to kiss her, to just kiss her. She sticks a finger in my mouth. I’m just shocked. I don’t even realize that people are around me. Not at all. I bite down on her finger…smile. She smiles back.

Back to grinding, moving, hip swaying…grinding. Her face, close to mine. Then out of the blue, she licks my lips and slips her tongue quickly in my mouth. WHAT THE FUCK?

It’s been a while since I’ve kissed someone. I love to kiss. I love tongue. The flickering tease of come catch me and soft touching of the tongue. Love kisses. So, it’s been a while. Feeling her tongue on mine, though even for a split split second…it just bring back feelings I yearn to feel again.

Again, blown away by this drunken ass faded Russian girl. Blondy mcblondy. SHIT FACED.

So, there, close to each other. I asked her if she wanted to go home. She said in her accented English, “I’m wet, I’m white. You’re Asian. Find an Asian girl.”

WHAT THE FUCK?

Teased and rejected. Whether I can actually go home and have a one night stand, I’m not sure. But at that moment, I so wanted to.

After the dance, Delicate Flower looks at me and just laughs. I ask her why and she says nothing.

But all in all, I guess it was for the best. I just don’t have any game or mastery to just seal the deal. Damn.

The morning after.

I actually got up and went to work on time. I didn’t go to the gym though, sleeping in an extra hour and a half before I rolled my sorry ass out of bed.

Work, guys getting together just sharing stories about the party.

Leslie tells me about the blondy mcblondy, before my encounter with her. She was gone already. Apparently she’s a 22 year old intern. Sigh. She actually called the helpline, but I refused to answer and Carel got to it. Just too funny.

Drunken girls. Fun times.

Guys being guys. Discussing how hot many of the girls looked that night and how fucking faded they were.

Even with the bar not being open bar, and people have to pay for liquor, it was crazy. I dropped a pretty penny on alcohol myself.

All in all, it was a good night. The day after was a slow and tortuous day and today I’m feeling the effects of a drained body. Fun fun.

* * *
I’m supposed to be doing some work today. Actual writing on the script that Scott and I are working on. I was suppose to outline the next few scenes this past week at work, but it turned out to be a very busy week. So, I didn’t get a chance and I don’t think I would be able to do it anyway. Never seem to be able to do my work at work anyway. Weird. Strange.

I got my three month review at work seven months later. They like me and want to keep me on. Even hearing Benjamin telling the Open Minds girls that I was a good hire was pretty good. I’m glad they like me and think I’m doing a good job.

It’s the right start only because I can’t come up with a title and there is a sign right next to me that says it. I’m running out of ideas, I’m running out of gas, juice, things.

It’s been a long while since I’ve come back here to this writing place. I took a break last week due to Thanksgiving and I took one yesterday simply because I was hung over and I had a lot of errands to run. So, coming out here wasn’t in the cards for me.

But here I am, the last post for a while….or maybe until my year-end diatribe, who knows. But we’ll see.

* * *
For Thanksgiving, I drove up to my cousin’s and stayed with them over the holiday. It was a nice time. I had fun, just chilling and relaxing. Didn’t feel pressured to go out and party and socialize because they, like me, are home bods. For the most part we didn’t do shit and that is all hunkydory in my book. I’m not going to complain.

But in a way, going up there, opened my eyes on many things that I already realize. It just fortified my previous thoughts about myself and my little quirks and situations.

Listening to my cousin and her husband talk about their marriage and the big issues that are coming up with kids and family, it just makes me feel…like a kid again. Not that I’m a kid, small, not being able to do anything. No, it goes back to the sense that I don’t feel like an adult.

They’ve been married for three years and they are taking their next step in their lives, children, together. They’re having the grown up discussions and their spats, their bickers, and all that seems so adult. All that seems so much like a marriage.

All I can do is listen and chime in. I see many of their road blocks. I see their side of the story. I see everything. I don’t have a simple solution to their problems. My philosophy is just do it. Stop worrying. Stop planning. Just do it and shit will sort themselves out.

Worrying and planning will only hinder and disappoint things. I can see that they are so loving and giving and that they will make good parents and I do want that for them, but it’s just a matter of compromise.

But again, I’m not in their shoes. I’m not the ones making the decisions, so it is way too easy for me to just say, do it. Go do it and sort it out when the problem arises.

DO IT.

It just makes me wonder am I ready. Do I think I’m ready to have those talks, to make those decisions with my significant other; if I’m ever so fortunate to find her. Would I be able to compromise and go along with it or will I be the strong stubborn mule that I am now, not willing to bend? I don’t know and that is what scares me.

There might be times where I’ll sometimes sacrifice many of the things I want to appease someone, but I don’t know if those times are still here. I’m stubborn. I’m opinionated. I’m argumentative. I don’t know if it’ll work. But it is something that I need to learn.

Looking at things, as much as I would love to be a parent, as much as I want kids (7 as I tell people), I don’t know if I’ll be a good parent. I just don’t know.

It scares me. Parenthood is scary. I’m not going to lie, it is. Every parent can tell you that.

As I see many girls at work, and my dear friend Susan who is about to give birth, and they’re around my age, I look at me…where am I? Not even close.

I know I’m young, but maybe I’m too young. Too selfish and immature to be ready to marry and have a family.

Like my cousin, I want my kids to know Chinese. I want them to be able to speak it. Ngai (my language…a sub dialect of Hakka), Cantonese, and Mandarin. I want them to speak it all, be educated, and just know the language. It’ll be easier for them to communicate with the elders in my family, especially my mom. I want them to have that advantage. I want them to know and understand the culture, because I grew up with it and it is a big part of my life. It is a part of who I am and had a part in shaping me into who I am today.

It is what it is. The only way I can think of doing that is to either put them through Chinese school and speak to the kids in Chinese. All Chinese all the time. It’s just how it is going to be.

I’m not worried about the kids learning English, because they will be constantly surrounded by it, with school and what not. But the kids must learn Chinese.

I don’t know, looking ahead, it just seems so far out of my reach. I have a feeling that things are going to change with the coming of the New Year, but maybe that is just my optimism talking. I really don’t know what is going to happen, but something might happen soon. Maybe I’ll find that special someone or maybe not. Let’s just say that I’m not holding my breath.

All of these hard decisions that comes up, that I think I’m ready to tackle them when the time comes, but since they are not here, I don’t think I can tackle them. Just way too stressful.

I guess in a way, I like my life easy. Not think so much. Just do my shit and move on to the next shit and just not think.

Sigh…..

* * *
Another good thing that happened at my cousin’s is that I got to play with their brand new puppy. He’s so cute and adorable. I want one. I want him.

I don’t know, I feel sad for Pickles being home alone and everything. It seems he’s having his fits again, peeing on the floor. Maybe it is time for me to get another dog, so he’ll have company, but I don’t know. Can I handle another dog. More responsibility in this slacker life? I just don’t know.

Maybe I’ll just play by ear, but most likely Pickles will get a Relish this new year. We will see.

* * *
I knew this about myself a long time ago as everyone in my family says that I’m like my father. Mostly it is due to the physical aspect of it, but while I’m up there with my aunt and uncle and their family, it just seems that I really am. Maybe it is just a Ho thing, or maybe it is a Chinese thing, or maybe it is just me being me, but I tried to pay for lunch and dinner when I was up there.

Growing up, I see my dad and uncles always fight for the bill as we all went out to go eat Dim Sum or we had a big family dinner out at the restaurant and what not. I always see them for 10-15 minutes fight for the bill, stuffing money back and forth into each other’s pockets. I never understood it. Every time I see it, I just laugh, because it is just a sight to see. Grownups fighting like that.

But I understand fully. It is just out of respect and you want to do something nice for them. I do that with my friends, take them out to dinner for the most part and what not, family too. I understand now.

So, while I was up there, the day after Thanksgiving, my auntie and uncle took the family out to eat pho for lunch. An aside, the pho was really good. The noodles were very very crisp and that made the difference. But, anywho, I finished mine so I thought I’d just go pay. I stood up and my uncle looks at me smiling. “What are you doing?” he said. My reply….nothing. So I went to the register and gave the person my card. The next thing I knew my auntie was right behind me screaming in Viet at the lady not to take the card. I was like don’t listen to her. Take the card and finish the transaction. Fucking stupid Viet. I should learn it though I hate the language. Makes me hate the language even more. So, I got shot down at my attempt to pay. Fine. I sucked it up.

Later that night, my auntie wanted to take me out to dinner because she has to work on Saturday and won’t be able to see me. So we all went out again along with my cousin’s husband. Claim Jumpers. So, we ordered and everything. Thoughts of being burned at lunch still in my mind, I still want to pay dammit. I needed to pay dammit. But, I wasn’t sure about the approach. I went to the bathroom, my opportunity to track down the waiter and slip him my card. But I didn’t. I should have, but I didn’t.

When time came to get the bill, I slipped the waiter my card and told him to put it on that. Everyone at the table stood up and argued against it. Six people screaming at the waiter to do this or don’t do that. He freaked and told us to figure it out as he threw the check and my card on the table. My cousin’s husband stepped in and handed him his card…that fucker took it.

I just want to do a nice thing and it didn’t work. So sad, so disappointed.

But sigh.

I’m sure I wrote about this many times already, but I’ve always been fascinated by my nightly dreams. Some nights I’ll remember them and other nights they’ll be distant memories gone at the moment my eyes flickers to life.

I’ve been fascinated with them ever since my senior year in high school when I had a very telling dream. There were just so many things going on in that dream, though I remember it very clearly. The gist is that I’m off on my own, taking the direction less traveled. Where everyone is making a left turn, I’m making a right. But, the thing that gets me is that I’m always being chased by someone. I’m not sure who, but it is by someone.

It’s been a while since I’ve had an anxiety dream like the one listed above; dreams where I’m being chased or attacked.

Usually my typical dreams, well dreams that I do remember are once again, I’m off on my own, doing my own thing. BUT instead of being lost, or having the feeling that I’m lost and that I’m trying to find something or find my way out, I have direction. I know what I’m doing. I know where I’m going. It’s just that it takes a long time, so in the end; there really is no resolution to my dreams. But I have direction, no longer lost. There’s a far off purpose that is just out of reach.

These dreams are much more different than the dreams I had when I was younger; always lost and trying to find my way. I was very lost in life during that time. Very little direction and purpose in life. But luckily, things are better now.

Which brings me back to a dream I had last night, or maybe it was this morning? It just seems I’m having similar dreams for the past few weeks; dreams along the same vein as the one I had this morning.

I’m not sure how the dream started, or where I was particularly or what I was doing or how I ended up where I was. I’m not even sure where I was. All I know was that it was a school.

Again, not sure what I’m doing there. It starts out typically how many of my dreams start out, me alone going someplace. In this case, I was trying to get to a class or a lecture. I walk into the school. It’s large, impersonal, a labyrinth of walls, halls, and rooms. It’s vast, and there were parts that look like a grand opera house lobby.

I go about my business, trying to find this class I’m supposed to be in, but I can’t find it. I need to be there, because I’m late and the lecture is starting. Apparently, there were a few girls (students) who are late also. I ask a security guard or someone else where the class is. He pointed in a direction. I go.

I go through hallways, corridors, doors and doors. I get a little anxious as I step outside into a grassy wooded area that is like a mysterious jungle in the tropics. I’m getting a little anxious. I’m not sure where the girls were, but I had a feeling they were following me. I know to get to my class I have to go through this jungle. It’s dark, but light from the full moon shines brightly down. It doesn’t make the jungle any less intimidating.

I plow ahead through the jungle and the tall grass. I needed to go. It’s my purpose, to get to class. My destination is just past this jungle. I march on. Then a vine reached out and grabbed me. I freak out and started to run and more and more vines reach out to grab me. Eventually the vines got me and I couldn’t go anywhere, and that is where I woke up.

Now, usually I try to analyze the dream or ask Susan to help me interpret the dream, but there is no need for that. I already know what the dream means. I’m just anxious about certain stuff in my life right now. I know what I need to do, but I can’t focus, or I’m scared, or there is always something in the way distracting me, holding me back and in this case it is the vines from the jungle. It is holding me back.

What is it that is holding me back in reality? Most likely my ideology, my fear of failing, or my typical distractions of over analyzing things and obsession.

Just funny how things are that way. It’s been a while since I had these anxiety dreams, but they are here.

Ultimately, there are just a lot of things happening in my life right now that I just need to deal with on my own. They aren’t things that are drastic or life changing. They are just things that I typically fret over or obsess over and I’m just trying my damnedest to just let it go.

I have faith that I will overcome them, as I focus on other things.

* * *
It might be a little too early for this and don’t typically do this, but I think I’m going to make some resolutions. It’s not going to be these New Year’s resolutions or anything of that matter, but they are more about things that I think I want to do, should do, to just grow and be more outgoing. When will this happen? Maybe the year coming up or maybe now, next week, or some other time. I’m not really sure.

I just know that this year was the year of tough decisions, the year before that was the year of change, and every year is the year of living life and growing up and change, and the coming year will be no different. Maybe that’s the thing that I need to work on? Maybe that is the thing that I need to master to become a better person than the person I am now and that is to just go out and experience and live. I think I may be ready for it.

Most likely, it’ll just be me doing these things, doing these things I am interested in. They won’t be these big posse extravaganzas because I don’t have a posse. Most likely it’ll just be me doing these things. My source: The LA Weekly.

I’ll look through it and maybe find an art gallery opening, or just go to the museum, or just go mountain biking or just biking somewhere which I thought I was going to do when I got my bike, or just go to some play or go and just do something. Me alone against the world, finding my groove and just finding my thing. No one with me. Just me out doing my shit on my own.

Might as well get use to it because I think that is how things are going to be. I know it isn’t going to be forever, me being alone, but I know for the time being, it will have to be.

I know for the most part, I already do some of these things already, just going out alone. But mostly it is for films. Films I want to see but no one else and I’m cool with it. But let’s just expand that. Let’s just do it and not be held back by my laziness or my misanthropy.

I still have a lot of time left between now and the end of the year to think about my yearly year-end diatribe reflection piece. My yearly bah humbug to all things.

Again, I will be up in my second home when I write that and hopefully I can come to terms with the things that happened in my life and learn to expect with a tinge of optimism that things will be equally tougher and equally better for the year to come.

* * *
Maturity.

I would like to think that I’m mature, mature for my age. It seems that I have always been, but that maybe because I’m just stale, but I would like to believe that. I do believe that the decision I made a month ago was a very mature thing that I did. I laid out the situation and my reasoning and it was what it was.

Sure there are days when I do obsess over the decision that I made and overanalyze everything, thinking if I made the correct decision, such and such. But deep inside, I know I did the mature thing and did make the right decision. Again, it all goes back to me having to do the proper thing and be noble and all that chivalrous bullshit that I came to learn about myself. I have this Knight in shining armor complex. Fuck it.

But maturity. Again, I have it on many many levels, but there are times when I feel that I am immature. There are times that I feel that I have so much growing up and learning left in me to do. I know it is true, that we all learn and grow till the day we die, but I just came to the realization that I still have quite a bit more learning and growing left in me.

I know I joke that I am an old man and I think like an old man, but there are certain times where I feel like kid. Deep inside, I’m a big kid at heart. Other times, I’m the grumpy old man.

All in all, I just feel so immature when it comes to certain aspects of relationships. Flirting. I flirt like a grade-schooler. Not cool man. Not cool man.

I think I just need to grow up on this and just be cool and distant. If I like someone, don’t hit her. But it just seems that I only hit people that I kind of like, but more as friends. I tend to be a little more hands off on girls that I actually like. I don’t know why. Like, I’m an ass all the time, but with friends, I’m more of an ass. With girls I like, I’m still the ass, but not as much. Just one notch down.

I think I need to change all of that and just grow the fuck up. Just grow the fuck up.

I’m approaching my thirties and I’m not “young” anymore. I just need to be more debonair, more suave in my approach on this front. This is assuming that it is going to happen again anytime soon.

I think I have gotten into that phase where I’m just taking time off from all things girls. I think I’m just going to start now. It happened after Sheilah and for a short time after Cat, but I think I need to start it up again.

I told Susan I’m going to take a vow of celibacy and become a monk. I’ll be that celibate monk that knows nothing of the flesh anymore. Eventually I’ll be the born again virgin. Masturbation is still a must of course.

I don’t think I can have an excess of built up sexual frustration without going ballistic and crazy. Release is good. It keeps me sane and functional.

So, here now, I think I’ll try to live up to that. To just be a little bit different and go against what I naturally do when I am playful and flirtatious and just be cool, chill, distant, not interested. Just not be so touchy feely and hitty and abusive (not that I am)…I just need to grow the fuck up.

Let’s see how well it works.

Looking around, I see the shimmering and shining bulbs that usually accompanies the dreaded holidays of year’s end. Christmas ornaments, wreathes, and shiny dangling stuff.

I know it is early, way too early for me to say this, but, bah humbug from this forever scrooge. It’s just way too damn early to put these things up. Thanksgiving haven’t even passed yet, and here we are with these declarations of all things Christmassy.

All I can do is shake my head, sigh, and give another bah humbug.
* * *

Assumptions and ignorance. I’m usually known of doing one of those on a normal basis, making assumptions. I made one and I spilled my pot with angered frustrations and words and directed them towards an unsuspecting Selena. It has come to light that I didn’t have the right, for the things that she was referring to wasn’t about me.

The change in the air wasn’t about me but of someone else. The fucken ass isn’t me, there’s another. Not about me.

But I guess it is something that I do, because I was the last person with this DC heroine, but, I could see what she is referring to now…well maybe a small part of it. Some parts, I’m still lost in the cloudy mist.

I think for the most part, things are okay between us now. Things are fine as she called and we had a talk to clear the air of my assumptive misunderstanding of all things that are happening. Then there was a catching up, a how do you do, and all things of what is happening in our lives. Just a friendly talk as friends should talk. Not bad and I’m relieved, glad that things are better between us.

So, an all apologies go out to Ms. Kyle. I’m sorry for going off on a rampage with my jumping to conclusions. Sorry. Lo siento.
* * *

Focus. Keeping occupied. Freeing my mind from the restrictive thoughts of all things girls and lady wise. Just trying to focus on work and blind myself in all things work and creative things, finding the inspiration to do the project that I have whole heartedly committed myself to.

Focus.

Things are progressing, moving on as I am getting more and more confident about the duties that I need to do and what I have and will create in the next few months. I will focus a majority of my energy and my attention to that, rereading the script, looking over my storyboards, thinking through logistics in my head, figuring out if my choices that I will make are the right ones that serves the story.

Hopefully so as I get together with another creative mind tonight, my creative partner, the writer, to hear what he has to comment, suggest on my choices that I have made.

It’s going to be a busy few months for me with vacations, family, holidays, writing, shooting, auditioning, working and working. It’s going to be a busy next few months.

Going back to my cave, hiding in the dark as I just focus, focus on things that matters and trying to get certain things out of my head.

Stop the obsession of all things that are irrelevant and just not look, pay attention to any vices that I may have. Just be me. Alone.
* * *

Heavy sighs next to glamour flickering next to these stringy sparkles that lights my eyes. It causes a distraction, making me focus on other things that I shouldn’t be focusing on.

Heavy sighs of contemplative thinking of things to come. The blank future that I am the master painter to make the next Mona Lisa, but my inspiration is gone as I have no idea what the spirit of the canvas is.

It escapes me as everything else has escaped me. It is ever so elusive as it runs and runs, hiding from my creative control, trying to find another.

Focus is tough as there are too many glowy orbs in my brain to focus on, each outshining the other biding for attention and focus. How do I choose what to focus on when it is a pin ball effect of ping ponging Christmas lights of shimmering goodness in my mind, blinding my eyes on what is the true focus in my life?

How do I choose when one pops into focus and goes dark as another goes pop goes the weasel and my attention is focused elsewhere.

Just a mess, a jumbled mess in my mind that I find it hard to do anything else but to think and complain and to just blah the everything in my head.

Lost connections of misguided intentions. Lost connections of correct decisions but full of regret as things need to move on.

Letting go of things that I never had, but holding onto the things that I once had; the short time together that just felt so right.

But I had to be noble, just, right and proper, making the mature decision and doing the mature thing. Who would have thought that this immature person around certain people can make such grown up and mature decisions?

Now this adult is crying like the five year old that he knows he is capable of being.

Holding and hugging, posing and just cheesing for the soul capturer with the cousins that are so much younger and innocent and pure. Just pure joy in my eyes and outpouring of happiness of appreciating life at such a young age. Never lose the innocence that you have.

Brighten my day, brighten my smile as I hold the little one and it just felt so right holding one in my arms. Just felt so right.

Hearing that it is time, that my mother is aching for one. I know I know, but it takes time and I have to take it slow. Things can’t be rushed, can’t be rushed for I am new at this and I’m afraid of taking risks, even though I take many.

Heavy burdens lie in breaking hearts, those that are not mine and the one that is. Pain, misery, depression, guilt, and just a fucked up sense of why do I have to do it will just plague my mind if I break another or go about life just breaking hearts or getting my poor lil’ weak one broken.

Looking blindly in the bright night; trying to find the glimmer of hope that is for me, the perfect one that is for me, but it is tough in the darkest of dark. Just a glimmer is all I hope for.

Even when there was a glimmer, things will just get in the way that will make me be an adult about things and just have to extinguish the glimmer, killing it, nipping it, before it shines and explodes into a supernova killing everything including itself.

The complications of life is something I face every day because living means facing these difficulties and just going through the cycles and obstacles that life brings.

It seems that I’m able to blog my usual rhyme time nonsensical whimsy that use to flood these pages of mine.

Spic and span and out of my life as things slowly fade into non communication as it needs to be to help end things on a smooth note.

There’s a sense of optimism in all things. Things might just work out in the end, solidifying the necessity of me making the decisions that I had to make for the greater good of the things to come.

Maybe it will end happily ever after, maybe not. Maybe I’ll just get my shot to understand what it is that I need and maybe it will be the same for my fix.

Going through withdrawal from this new drug, is slowly becoming easier and easier as I have expected it to be given the time away. It has to be done, but there are times of relapse as my urges and doubts try to persuade me to make that contact, to get another fix, to get drawn in and get addicted again.

As a lifetime drug addict, I have to be careful for it is very easy to get off the wagon.

Fix fix fix. I need one. I’m aching for one, just one slip, one little taste, a sliver of hope that it is just there for me to shoot up whenever I want. I need. I desire my fix.

Going through my usual motions of rehab and slowly all will be gone and I will have a new addiction. I think I may need a new addiction to get past this one.

A fresh new drug to just get a taste of so I can forget the last one. I wasn’t in it enough to just latch on and call it my drug of choice. I’m open to new drugs, new tastes, new fixations.

Maybe the next one will bring something else. The perfection of bittersweet harmony that is just missing in my life.

My blood flows through the richness embracing all experiences that just go and go.

Walking through life in this old age of mine, I can’t help but not get excited over everything anymore and be more and more critical about everything. Nothing wows me anymore. Nothing blows me away for my old eyes have seen everything generations and generations before.

This old soul has resurrected in this old young body and it is now just waiting for its turn to go off in the slumber. It is just trudging through life until that time, looking for things, hoping for new things that might just blow him away.

Inspiration of change and hope as the new elect will be in charge, bringing promises to do things that I agree with. Hope. Change. Inspiration to make the world a better place, a all open commune of people caring for other people, helping everyone out.

Change.

There is a change in the air and there is no denying it. There is a change in everything everyday and I am just a pawn to these changes, going with the flow, feeling the motions, and taking it all in. I go about my business enjoying the ride and will be nothing but grateful once it is over.

Negative, critical. Judgmental. A difference of opinion.

Through experience, one develops opinions about everything they come across and I have come across many things and have developed many many opinions about them. Many will not agree, some may, and all in all, I’m happy to discuss and share.

Some see this pessimism as I just don’t like many things or nothing excites me anymore for it is nothing novel, nothing new, but drawn in and consumed in mass by the mass. Typical and mundane.

A spark of novelty, genuine ingénue that just inspires the fuck out of me. Where is my muse? I throw that out as I am in search of one.

This might be the end of me as I realize that if there is a earthquake right now, I’ll be no more as I’m not sure how this structure will hold as I am sitting near the edge of the third floor. It’s a long long drop with lots of Christmas decorations to bury me. What a way to go.

Winding unwavering in this journey through life taking all the punches it has to give and complaining about it later. That’s all that I can do and hope for the best.

Things are changing as the year of tough decisions are coming to an end and a new year begins in the next few months and it makes me ponder of what is to come.

It will bring forth a brand new decade in my life and close out another decade. A milestone…which just hit me that the year end diatribe of reflection might be a different one that might span my twenties and things to look forward in my thirties.

Thirties. A new decade in life, the new adulthood, the new twenties. Will I be reliving my twenties again or were my twenties really my teens as I just came to being and finally found myself.

I’m sure it will bring forth a new sense of assuredness as I go about facing life as a true blue adult that I always thought my parents were when they were in their twenties. With the certain responsibilities that make them adults.

So many things to think about, so many things to ponder for this over analytical introvert that it almost explodes out of his head.

Listening to these 1s and 0s that pour through my head and I don’t understand 90% of the words that flows, but it has been my life for the past two and a half years. It is a strange phase I’m going through, or is it a phase as I am becoming more and more detached and out of the loop with the English music that i usually listen to.

Looking around and people watching as I write down this big long nonsense as I try to pass the time is what I usually do.

Someone of my kind slowly picks up a fork filled with her tempura and rice and places in her mouth as she talks about something that I don’t know to the friend in front of her.

Tweens and teens go into stores in their flock that they are normally found in to just browse and shop and find the latest of the latest fashion that they think are fashionable so they can be too cool for school when they go back to school and then when they finally come of age to realize that they aren’t really that cool to begin with and will finally start growing up and seeing the world in a different way and realize that she was foolish to think that these materialistic adornments really don’t make a person too cool for school but it is one’s attitude and personality and genuine livelihood that makes them cool in the eyes of her peers or anyone’s peers.

I’m not too cool for school, not even borderline cool. More like luke warm in nature but it is my nature to be luke warm as I’m always complaining that it is hot which is uncool as I try to pump up the AC to make me cool. The artificial way of mechanics that has nothing to do with the coolness that we are all talking about.

Sitting and laughing at the nonsense that is just spilling out of me right now as I try my damnedest to avoid the work that I know that I need to do, but I have another week and I think it will happen tomorrow as I need to look it over and think about the discussed changes and apply the changes and submit it and look at the returned changes and then compare them and see how they can be fit together at a given time to be determined in the not too distant future.

Reaching my limit as I usually tend to do, but since I’ve come out an hour earlier I’ve added another hour to my schedule but it just seems that it is only my original limit that I can stand as I have another hour and I don’t think I can keep this up and I don’t know what else to do as I do know I have many other things that I need to get to today, so in a way I just may end things today or keep it short or maybe I should just go about and finish my hour and just go about my business as my quickly thrown together go with the flow scheduled was originally planned.

I will hear from the drug today as I have faith it is the drug that will try to get me to be addicted again and I have no will power not to answer the drug since it is a drug that I do enjoy. I have faith that it will happen but I don’t know what I’m going to do about it. Faith faith faith with my weak will as I don’t know how I will handle my addictions to this drug.

Again, looking, searching for a new drug to get my mind off of another drug but I did declare that I am done and through with drugs as I am trying to go to rehab and be drug free for the remainder of my days. Drugs are bad.

Say no to drugs goes the afterschool special that I kind of paid attention because as I was enticed by it during my school days, I was never given the opportunity to try for I was too afraid to try and just too damn shy to do anything about.

Shy shy shy is what I proclaim to be with my antisocial behavior.

I use to have a girlfriend but I’m difficult as I tell Serena and apparently they all know that I’m difficult.

A widely known fact about my difficultness but yet I am young and there is hope and hope is what I’m looking for I guess, but there is hope for I am young.

I’m difficult difficult hence the no surprise that things are what they are and that I am once again the lone wanderer that I know that I will be till my end of days.

Overdramatic and strongly worded; the be all end all of my drama queen ways, but that is me as I am melodramatic and everything is big and big for that is my life and everything revolves around me even though I do know and realize and understand that life really doesn’t.

I am small, insignificant in this world. My existence has no impact to this world. The only impact is only to my small group of friends and family that I have touched in my 29 and some change years of existence.

I am okay with that, not making ripples in the world but in the background, the deep still pool that ripples are made on. Just being there experiencing the ripples that may or may not come its way. I am okay with that.

Small and insignificant is how I want to be in this world, not making any impact for I don’t think I can deal with the pressure and the responsibility of being something more.

What is it? What is there to say? What is it that went wrong?

How could things just go from that to this to that again? I don’t understand how thing just ended up here?

Maybe it is because of the diatribes that I write that just ruffle the wrong feathers, but what about it? What is it that went wrong in this scenario of friendly conversation of just superficial talking for the sake of talking? What is it?

Questions with very little answers as I sway this and that way trying to figure out the solution in my head.

There are no solutions to come, because it is just one of those questions that are beyond my comprehension. It is a calculus story problem when I’m only in algebra II.

It’s difficult and I’m not going to pretend that I understand.

I guess in a way I see what happened, but I don’t understand why it resulted in the angered angriness that happened? I don’t understand.

I don’t understand and I guess it is something that I just won’t understand at all till my dying day.

I have come to a conclusion that I just need to calm the fuck down and just calm the fuck down for the sake of calming the fuck down. There is no need to do the things that I need to do, but this is my place to write to get my angered frustrations and to empty my brain. This is my place for me to see and those who are in the know.

My space.

My place.

But I guess it is not my place at all. Apparently. I don’t know what it is but I like to write uncensored with only my knowledge to guide me. Strangers read and see but they don’t really see and understand the haps and the mishaps that are happening.

In this day and age of the lonely traveler, a good outlet is all he needs and requires to just get things out in the air to clear things up and to just blah with the blahing best of them. To just get things off his chest and to just unwind and just be who he is.

If that’s a fucking ass or a dick or a bitch, then so be it.

It is my place to scream to the world, the empty void, the BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH of everything that is just happening.

Sure I got a hand in making things happen. Sure I got my hand stuck in the cookie jar, found and prosecuted at the things that I have done. But they were my choices to make and I base them on what I think is right.

Is it wrong of me to read words that were meant to be read? Is it wrong of me to be literate and curious? Is it wrong of me to feel a sense of elation at words that were in an off-the-cuff way directed toward me and people in the know? I am a part of the party and I am going to that party, not just to party, but to party.

What is it that people expect to read in these little rumblings of mine? What is it? A change? A pang of guilt? A difference of opinion? A sadness?

I spill things, my emotions, feelings, thoughts, dreams, opinions, all things me in this dear ol’ friend of mine; this therapy that makes me feel a little better each day, to help me deal with what shit I have to deal with in my life. This is my place, my blog, my life, my thoughts, my shrink, my salvation.

Mine.

I know that I don’t write pretty words. I know that things I write in here will rub people the wrong way. I know I will hurt people with the things I write in here, whether I meant it to hurt or not, it happens. Shit happens. Life happens.

I’m a fucking ass. Sure. Okay. Fine.

I succumb to that fact. I am a ass.

A pissed off asshole that just wanted to share his thoughts on forward movement and happiness. I guess it wasn’t my place to do it. I just like to know that things are getting better, things are looking brighter, things are just much better off. I like that, I would like to know that…and it does ease my mind to know that.

But I guess it was wrong of me to think about it. I guess it was wrong of me to put my feelings down for my small audience to read. I guess it was just a fucking asshole thing of me to do these things.

I’m a fucking ass. Fine.

Sigh.

Sighs upon sighs upon sighs. This has been my life lately. Just endless sighs and blahs to pass the time.

I guess this one will make me a even bigger evil ass, and this time, I’m doing it on purpose. I’m doing it because, I might as well.

Sigh.

Anger. Anger management.

I know I have anger issues. I know I get festered and frustrated on things I don’t understand.

I’m just not the most patient guy. I’m not the smartest guy. I’m not the most understanding guy.

I’m not anything.

If it needs be that I need to keep my finger shut on all things regarding my thoughts and my actions and all things about me, if that is the case, I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can censor myself on that front. I know it is healthy to help people along and that it is selfish of me to just go about my daily business of clearing my mind, my thoughts, spilling my brain out for all to see, but I can’t take all the blame and responsibility of everything.

I can’t. To be fair and honest…I just can’t.

I have to rethink things now. I have to rethink my actions, my approach on certain things. I just have to be hesitant and think things over and reevaluate everything. I just have to.

No one is ready. No one is ready for any of this. No one is ready for the future and everyone is just stuck, stepped in the dried molasses which sticks on you like superglue.

A forced stuckness of stale movement. There is nowhere to go, nowhere to be. Just nowhere.

There’s nothing in the future anymore.

I can’t see anything anymore. All is gone, for I am blind. It’s not even blank but a silvery misty haze of unexpectedness and foreign actions that aren’t mine.

It just seems that my life is out of my hands again. My choices, though I believe to be true, just makes things worse and worse. Just constant doubts when there shouldn’t be any doubts.

Just a ickiness of not wanting things to just whatever. Just nothing but that haze which I can’t see through…beyond my grasp and my comprehension.

I don’t’ know what to do. My heart that once beat with guilt just seems to given up on that and just beat for the sake of beating. Tired, frustrated, given up on all things; it has nothing else to do but to beat without rhyme or reason. It is beating only because it can and doesn’t care about anything anymore.

It has succumbed to being the bitch of life’s complications. It has become a bitch, a bitch that it knows that it doesn’t want to be, but it has to be because it can’t not be.

I’m a bitch. My heart’s a bitch. A bitch for pain.

Angry and tired. Frustrated and tired. Tired and tired.

What is it? What is there left to do? What do I need to do to make things better?

Sigh.

Tired. I’m just tired of everything. I’m just tired of everything and everything. Tired.

Why can’t things be easier? I know, I know, matters of the heart just complicate everything to the nth degree.

Sigh.

I never meant my words to hurt. I never meant to cause any tears, anger, frustration. I never meant to do anything malicious. Never did and never will. But I do understand people take things the way they take things, because it happens. But, genuinely, I never meant to cause any pain. It was just a declaration that I’m elated to see progress. Just a thought that I am glad things are better.

No more. No less.

Sigh.